Once upon a time, there lived a man named Jordan Hanson. He was born in a little old town known as the United States. Actually, it was Jenks, Oklahoma, but it didn't have a name until after he was born. So, anyways, for the first few years of his life, Jordan was pretty much a happy kid. This was until he realized that he had two pesky brothers, Isaac, and Zachary. Now, they never got along, and to this day, they still bicker to the extent that one of Jordan's peg legs falls off, Zac's eye patch falls off, and Isaac's hook gets caught in his hair. But, more about that later.
On his fifteenth birthday, Jordan's family told him that he would have to leave home, or join the family business. Jordan decided that rather than cleaning poop decks for the rest of his life, he would own one and become a ship captain. He built a ship out of packing crates. This ship sank because of all of the holes in it. So, he stole a ship from a blind guy who he didn't think needed it anymore. And wasn't he lucky, there was already a crew on board! He went across the prairie to Nova Scotia with a hen in his hand, and a pound of gravel in his mouth. He couldn't understand why he didn't make any money though. You'd think paying people to ride your boat would bring in some sort of profit. Then the news came. His brothers had decided to follow in Jordan's footsteps. So Jordan changed his name.
Taylor Hanson, that sounded like a good name to change it to. So, now there were three Hanson brothers who were ship captains. Okay, there were already, but this is my story of one-up-manship. I can say what I want. Anyways, Isaac and Zachary got a ship together. It was bigger, and better than Taylor's. So, while Isaac, Zachary, and their crew were in London getting ice cream, Taylor stole their boat, and gave them his. Their's was full of dead birds. It was one of the most profitable commodities in that area. "Wow," he thought. "What a great day!"
Soon afterwards, Isaac fell out of his boat and lost his leg to the cutest little shark. Because of this, he had to get a peg leg. This inspired Taylor to get two peg legs, even though he didn't need them. Then he decided to become a pirate. After all, pirates get all the girls.
This was until Zachary got his eye pecked out by a seagull, and had to get an eye patch, and a seeing-eye dog. This inspired Taylor to get two eye patches, and two bandannas. Since he couldn't see, he got a seeing-eye parrot. Unfortunately, it was the same bird that had pecked out his brother's eye. Since he couldn't see, he didn't know until it pecked holes in both his ears that it was a seagull, and in fact, not a parrot. So, he stuck earrings in the holes, and got two seeing-eye pigs which were supposedly smarter than dogs. He kept them on the poop deck in memory of his father who lived there too. Then, Isaac had a little accident, and fed his hand to an angry mob of insurance agents, and had to get a hook. Taylor simply got two in gold, with jewels, even though he didn't need them.
After that, Taylor thought that he was the best ship captain/pirate there ever was, or at least better than his brothers. This was until Zachary accidentally stuffed himself into a cannon and got fired towards an island that was previously unknown, but was now known as "The Landing Pad". Zachary became known as, "that guy who landed that place". So, Taylor stuffed himself in a pizza box and delivered himself to a little known island called, "The Island Of Chihuahua" (pronounced chi-hoo-uh-hoo-uh). This island had some strange little creatures on it. So, Taylor took seven of them and gave one to each continent. The one given to Antarctica froze, so he gave it to France since they didn't seem to know the difference. Now Taylor was known as, "that guy who landed that place with those things". Now, Taylor could be happy. This was until Isaac got married to a princess. So, Taylor married a queen, and under the orders of the previous king, he killed her. This did not make the queen happy. Of course, now she couldn't say anything. So, the princess became the queen, and she married Isaac who had recently divorced his other princess because he couldn't kill his future mother-in-law for big bucks or a spot in the Royal Family.
After this, Taylor felt it was time to retire, to he bought a truck so he could retire it. He broke his back doing this because the truck was an eighteen-wheeler, and he bought the tires too small, and had to lift the truck up to squeeze the tires on. Zachary retired an '82 Chevy, and suddenly, Taylor realized that he would always be better in some ways, if not first always, so he went back to pirating. But, first he tied Isaac and Zachary to chairs so they couldn't follow in his footsteps.
And so, you should have learned from this lesson. Mind you, I don't like lessons, and I don't know what this one was, and I wasn't paying attention, or even renting it. So, hope you enjoyed. Have a frozen Chihuahua! You'll never know the difference.
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