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Only Time
Who can say And who can say
Night keeps all your heart Who can say
And who can say
Who knows
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I was on the I-35 about 30 minutes from Wichita. I had been driving for almost 2 and a half hours carefully composing in my head over and over again exactly what I was going to say to Taylor. Each mile that passed, I found my courage waning. All of my resolve was dissolving, dissipating with the exhaust pouring out of my car. Diana would be so disappointed and Zac would hunt me down and kill. But really, what was I going to tell Taylor? That I was in my car driving aimlessly. That I was going to drive until I couldn’t take it anymore? That I had no idea where I was going? How would he take that? How would he react? I’ve asked him to forgive so much, how much more will he be willing to just let go? I absently played with the phone sitting in the seat next to me. The tape in my stereo flipped over and my car filled with the sound of laughter.
“Zac, you totally hit the wrong note!” Isaac said through his laughter.
“No, I don’t think so.” Zac said.
“Uh, yeah, I think you did.” Taylor said from far away from the mic. “Cause Ike and I were on the same note.”
“No, I think both of you were off.” Zac said as the music started again in the room. “Okay, let’s all get it right this time…”
I could hear Ike counting off and then they all started to sing the chorus of “Wastin’ Time” together. Even in it’s rough and raw state, it was one of the best songs I’d ever heard. When the music stopped, I could hear another voice. It was far away, quiet and feminine; it was me. I couldn’t hear exactly what I was saying, but I knew I was telling them that Zac was right, that Ike and Tay were the ones who sounded off key. “Cleo, you are nuts!!”
“You are so clueless!” Taylor yelled.
“No, she is an insightful woman.” Zac said. Then the tape cut back into the demo version of “Underneath.” I just loved to here them sing. I really, really needed to call Taylor. But instead, I listened as the road sang beneath the tires of my car. I clutched the phone in my hand and hit the directory button. I arrowed through the various names until I came to “Little Boy Blue.” I held my thumb over the send button for about 3 minutes, totally incapable of calling him. I dropped my hand down into my lap, finger still poised to dial.
Suddenly, I realized the phone in my hand was vibrating madly. I looked at the screen and saw that indeed, it was Taylor calling me. “Hello?” I said tentatively as the scenery flew by.
“Hey sexy!!” Taylor called into the phone.
“Oh, hi.” I said.
“Hey! Are you in your car?” Taylor asked.
“Yes, I am.” I said feeling tears building behind my eyes.
“Oh, cause I was hoping you were still at my house.” Taylor said. I could hear the kids in the back of the van fighting over something. Probably about which video they were going to watch next. “I was going to tell you to sleep over cause we’re going to drive straight through and I just can’t wait to see you.”
“Taylor…” I began. I guided my car to the side of the road.
“My mom just told me to not expect everything to be perfect between us, but she doesn’t know, does she?” Taylor said his voice sunny, not a care in the world. As far as he knew, he was driving to his home, his family, his girlfriend. “My mom doesn’t have as much faith in us as I do.”
“Tay, I need to tell you something.” I said as I climbed out of my too hot car. I climbed down a small hill and towards a lone willow tree hanging low, it’s branches sweeping the ground.
“I don’t like the sound of that.” Taylor said quietly. “Cleo, what’s going on?”
“Taylor, I am in my car, but I’m not on my way home. Or at least not to Jenks…” I sat, my back against the willow. I looked up through the branches of the tree, looking for the painfully blue sky, looking for the color that so matched his eyes, looking for a sign that I was doing the right thing. But all I found was the waving branches and the tears that streamed back into my hair.
“Where are you going?” Taylor asked his voice suspicious.
“I don’t know yet.” I said closing my eyes against the tears. “But I have to go.”
“Go? Go where?” Taylors voice was now downright angry.
“Taylor, are you okay?” I heard Isaac ask in the background.
“No, pull over.” Taylor said. I listened as the sound of rushing air became fainter and then I heard a car door open and slam. “Cleo, what are you doing?”
“Taylor, I need to figure out who I am…”
“What?”
“I need to figure out who I am.”
“That’s what I thought you said.” He said sighing and yet, still managing to sound annoyed. “You are Cleo, girl-next-door extraordinaire.”
“Tay, you don’t live on 78th Street anymore.” I said. “And I’ve spent my whole life being part of a couple or a group. I need to find out who Cleo January Burton is.”
“Excuse me if I say that’s bullshit.” Taylor said his voice punctuated with anger. “I think you’re scared. Scared of finding out that you are worthy of being loved. Scared of the responsibility of being in love. And you know what I think? I think this new bout of running away is just another way for you to maintain your unlovable stance…”
“No, that’s not it.” I said my voice surprisingly calm.
“Well, excuse me if I say I think it’s complete bullshit!” Taylor yelled. “Admit it, you’re terrified.”
“I’m not.” I said, pulling my knees up to my chest. “I love you.”
“Lovely way of showing it.” Taylor said angrily.
“Please, just listen to me.” I said quietly. “Please…”
“You know what? I’m sick of listening to you, dealing with your problems… When is it my turn to do the talking to be listened to?” Taylor demanded. “Why are you more fucked up than me? I mean, yes. You lost Thad. We all lost Thad. That one single moment essentially changed each of our lives, whether we want to admit it or not. Thad was the center of everything and then he was gone. I know how hard it was on you, but do you have any concept of how hard it was for all of us? Ike grew up so fast, too fast, but not just because of the music thing. He was never the same after Thad died. But Thad isn’t all I lost. I lost my childhood. I realize I wouldn’t have gone to high school, but I didn’t even get the opportunity to go to a prom with you or Marci McGrady or even Emily Bennett. Who knows, maybe I could have been an amazing swimmer like Thad. Or a soccer player who wins scholarships, like you. Don’t your realize I lost the opportunity to walk down the street unmolested? Have you any concept of the last time I ate a meal in public by myself? I don’t go anywhere by myself. I always have my brothers, my parents, my managers, my personal assistant with me. And why you ask? Because, I am a commodity. A usable, salable item. My name is a fucking corporation unto itself. I hate that everyone knows me and I don’t know anyone. I hate that my brother is sick. He is sick! And the tabloids are plastered with the news that he is in rehab, that he ODed on smack and that is why he was rushed to a hospital during a hurricane. Or the new story is that he isn’t really sick, but he tried to kill himself. The tabloids are saying Zac hates his life so much that he tried to kill himself, because I threatened him if he didn’t stay with the band…” His voice broke. I could hear his dry sobs through the phone. I hated that he felt this way and I hated that I wasn’t there to comfort him. “Do you have any idea how scared I am that that is true?”
“Tay, I’m so sorry.” I said quietly.
“Well, sometimes sorry doesn’t do it.” Taylor yelled. “You are always sorry, but you don’t ever do anything to fix anything! How can someone be as smart as you are and yet, so dense? How can you not see that you have to do something? I can’t always be there for you, as much as I want to be. You know you’re broken and yet, you just sit amongst the pieces and never try to put them back together. Cleo, I offer you help. Help to put you back together, but you just sit and hold the pieces and cry and cry. I’m beginning to think you like being broken.”
“How can you help me?” I asked not wanting to get into a fight with him. I wasn’t going to rise to his baiting. I wouldn’t let him drag me into this fight he wanted to get into. “How can you help me when you can’t even help yourself?”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Taylor said his voice so angry, I was glad to be several hundred miles away.
“It means, I know all of that about you. I also know that you love what you’re doing and what you’ve given up is so small compared to the joy in your life.” I said choosing my words carefully. “I know that even if all of the craziness hadn’t started when you were young, it was coming. You love the music so much, it was going to come out of you even if you had never gotten your recording contract. The rest of your life is truly incidental to your music. You say you love me…”
“I do love you…” He interrupted.
“Okay, you love me.” I corrected. “But your love for me will always be tempered by your love for music. Music IS your life. You have this incredible talent, a gift you share with the world. You have a confidence in who you are that I can only envy. You are loved by not just the masses, but by your family. I adore you. You wake each morning sure of who you, where you are going, not just that day, but for the rest of your life. But when I wake up, I don’t know those things.”
“Why not?” Taylor asked his voice still angry, but calmer.
“I don’t know.” I said quietly.
“I don’t accept that answer.” He said, his voice calmer still. “You don’t get to hide behind your “I don’t knows.” Cleo, I want to understand you. I want this more than I’ve wanted anything in my life. I know you won’t believe this, but I love you more than my music. I want to understand you more than I wanted a record deal. I will sit here waiting for you to accept my help for as long as you need. But, I also need you to want my help. You have to help me...”
“Tay, I’m doing this to help myself, to help you.” I said. “I need to find out who I am, so I can give a whole person to you. I need to learn to stand alone before I can stand with you.”
“That’s fair.” He said. I could almost see him standing on the side of the road leaning casually against the beige van. “So, you’re really leaving? Nothing I can say will change your mind?”
“No,” I said my face wet with tears. I was surprised by how solid my voice sounded as I felt like I was falling apart. “I have to find out who I am. I have to learn to love myself, so I can love you.”
“Cleo…” His voice sounded sad. If he started to cry, I knew I was going to lose it. “If you leave, will you promise to come back?”
“Yes.” I said.
“You have to come back, ‘cause I think I might die if you left forever.” Taylor said his voice barely above a whisper. “You say you don’t think you are worthy of love, but trust me you are. I spend my life finding just the right words to convey my emotions in a song… And now, when it matters, I can’t find the words I need.”
“Tay, you don’t have to say anything…” I said. I was ready for a fight with him, but not this, not this earnest honesty.
“But, I do. I have to tell you because I don’t want you to leave without knowing exactly how I feel.” He said. “I don’t ever want you to say that you left and didn’t know.”
“Okay.” I said lowering my head to my knees. I didn’t want to hear this.
“Cleo, do you remember “Toy Story 2”?” He asked. Did I remember that movie? He knew I did. He knew that it was one of my favorite movies. “And when she was sad/ I was there to dry her tears/ And when was happy/ So was I/ When she loved me.” He sang quietly. “Do you remember watching the movie for the first time at our new house?”
“Y..yes…” I said. I bite down on my lip to keep the tears from coming.
“What I remember of that afternoon is you sitting between Zac and Ike on the couch. Zoë was in my lap all wiggles and giggles. But about half way through, she stopped wiggling her left thumb in her mouth, her right hand twirling her hair.” Zoë is not big with holding still. She is a seriously active child.” And what quieted her was a song… That song. She sat in my lap silent and transfixed. But as soon as the song was finished, she began to wiggle again. I wrapped my arms around her even tighter, trying to squelch the wiggles out of her. But she wanted down… And you know how Zoë gets when she wants down.”
“Yes, she is a lot like her brothers when she sets her mind to something.”
“I watched as she moved along the couch, pausing in front of Avery for some popcorn, and in front of Ike for a drink. But she stopped in front of you, her hands reaching out for you. You leaned down and pulled her up into your lap.” They had just moved into the house in Bixby, Zoë had been so small, not quite two. “As you pulled her into your lap, she kept saying over and over “Cleo crying.” You hushed her and she fell asleep in your arms. I remember watching her sleep in your arms. Her left thumb in her mouth, her other hand behind your neck, fingers in her your hair.”
I remember sitting on the couch for an hour after the movie ended, just holding her, she was warm and plump. She felt like a baby should heavy, substantial, real. As I sat watching the sunset through the picture window in the family room, I remember feeling her breathe, watching her heartbeat in the hollow of her neck. Her curly, thick, blonde hair was curling from the sweat gathering in her hairline. She was a miracle to me. I hugged her tight and thought about how sad it was that Thad would never know her. As I watched the sky burn, I didn’t notice her stirring until I felt her chubby hands on my cheeks. I looked into her shockingly blue eyes and smiled. But her pixie face still looked so serious. “What’s wrong Zoë?” I asked.
“Cleo crying?” She asked.
“Yeah, I was crying?” I said.
“Why?” She asked using one of the words she new best. She could say yes, no, all of her siblings names and why.
“Because, I was sad.” I said smoothing her moist, curly blond hair.
“Why?” She asked. I knew that she didn’t understand me, but I suddenly felt compelled to explain it all to her.
“Because sometimes it doesn’t feel like anyone loves me.” I said watching her eyebrows pull together.
“I love you.” She said her face solemn. Her amazingly blue eyes flickered over my shoulder. “Tay loves you.”
“Does he now?” I asked as she nodded her head, her expression grave. “Well, if you and Taylor love me that’s all I need.” I smiled at her and she seemed to be studying my face very closely. I must have given her the answer she was looking for cause her expression changed drastically to an enormous sunny smile. She leaned forward and planted a wet, messy kiss on my cheek. “I love you so much, Zoë.”
“Cleo crying?” She asked again.
“Nope, no more crying.” She shimmied down out of my lap and started calling for her mother. I pulled my knees up to my chest. She had left and taken her warmth with her. I was now alone in the family room. I could hear the family talking in various rooms. Diana was telling Zoë that she couldn’t have a bottle cause she was a big girl, but she could have a cup of juice. Taylor was playing the lovely new grand piano in the living room. Jessica and Avery were probably up in their rooms. Isaac had taken Zac to get some Taco Bueno for the family.
“Hey.” Taylor said quietly as he slid onto the couch.
“Hey.” I said gratefully accepting the offered blanket. “If you’re here, who’s playing the piano?”
“Oh, it’s a CD. It’s me, but it’s a recording.” He said as he snagged part of the blanket and snuggled down next to me. “It’s true you know.”
“What’s true?”
“That I love you.” Taylor said a deep sigh escaping from his chest. We sat in silence. He sighed again. “The sunset really is beautiful.”
“Yeah.” I said marveling at the redness of the clouds. The sky literally looked like it was flowing with blood. “I find it amazing how different the sunset looks from here, not so many trees, so high up on a hill.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to how different the world looks from here.” Taylor said. “Sometimes as I drive home, I wonder: Where am I going?”
“Where are you going?” He asked.
“I really, don’t know.” I said.
“Yes, you do.” He said.
“No, really, I don’t.” I said sighing. My chest was beginning to hurt from holding back the tears. “The thing is. I don’t know much of anything right now. I mean, all I really know is that I love you so much it hurts me. I love you so much I can’t even breathe when I think of you. But I’m drowning in your love right now. I want to give in, to just go with it…”
“But?” He said after I hesitated. “I feel a big but coming.”
“But, how can I give myself to you when I don’t have a clue who I am?” I asked watching the limbs of the weeping willow sweeping the ground in front of me. “Taylor, I promise I’ll be back. But for now, I need to be gone.”
“Cleo, I can’t force you to stay, but can’t you do this in Tulsa?” He said. “I promise if you stay, I’ll give you all the room you need.”
“If I stay in Tulsa nothing will ever change. I’ll still work for you. I’ll still have to deal with you, with this every day.” I felt the first tear slip down my cheek. “You and your family couldn’t just leave me all alone.”
“That isn’t true.” He said. “I’d respect your wishes, I promise.”
“I know, but I don’t think I could stay away from you.” I said.
“Oh.”
“Tay, I’ll be back. I promise.” I said, knowing if he didn’t say it was okay, I’d drive back to Tulsa. “I just need to know that you understand.”
“I do.” He said his voice breaking. “I actually understand more than I’d like to admit. Cause, sometimes I wish I could just get in my car and drive. Drive to where no one knows who I am. Somewhere that I can go and eat in a restaurant and no one looks at me. Of course, in my fantasy, you are sitting in the passenger seat of my car and across the table from me at dinner. Because you see, I am the proverbial bird in the gilded cage. I live in a cage, a beautiful cage. In here I have everything I could ever possibly need, more in fact. My every need or want is attended to instantly. But that doesn’t change the fact that it is indeed a cage.”
“Taylor…”
“No, really, I live my life in a cage. I am never alone and someone knows where I am at all times. I understand that I am of value to lots and lots of people. But sometimes, I just want to be alone. But I don’t have that luxury. I can’t just go away.” He said quietly. “So, I guess I understand why you’re leaving.”
“Thank you for understanding.” I said.
“Well, I didn’t say I liked it, but I do understand.” He said quietly. “How long do you think you’ll be gone?”
“I don’t know.”
“I should have guessed that answer.” He said chuckling softly. I closed my eyes and I could see him standing there, his head hanging down, kicking at the dirt at his feet. “Will I be able to call you?”
“No, I won’t be using this phone after this call.”
“Wow, you’ve thought of everything.” He said quietly. “I miss you already. And I love you more than I can ever tell you.”
“I know.” I stood slowly. “I’d better go.”
“I’ll see you soon?” He asked.
“I hope so.” I said climbing back up towards my car. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” He said. Never had those three words ever sounded so good and so bad all at one time. Because, you see, there was this boy and he broke my heart because he loved me too well.