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Everywhere
Turn it inside out so I can see
I recognize the way you make me feel
And when I touch your hand
'Cause you're everywhere to me
You're in everyone I see
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I jogged home, took a bath and got ready for the day. As I was slowly getting dressed, I began to wonder what I was going to do with all this free time. I didn’t have to do anyone’s laundry. I didn’t have to call about 10 local radio stations to verify times for an interview. I didn’t have a strategy meeting to attend. I didn’t have one single thing to do. So, I decided I was not going to do anything at all. Maybe, I would go to the Hanson’s new house and lay out by their pool. Maybe, I would go out into the stand of trees behind my house and see if I could find my Malibu Barbie. Maybe, I would go get some ridiculously expensive Russian cocktail cigarettes and go to Java Dave’s and read some dark Hungarian poetry. Or maybe, I would just lay on the couch and watch some daytime television. I hadn’t seen Oprah in a long time.
The possibilities were mind boggling.
I hopped down the stairs and paused in front of the answering machine. Really, did I want to listen to these? No, but I needed to, to see if maybe someone other than Taylor had called. I hit play and listened to message after message from various members of the Hanson family. I was actually shocked there was this much room on the answering machine. Soon, I was just listening to the beginning of the message and hitting delete when I heard Taylor or Isaac. And I would listen patiently to the rest of the messages. I was getting kinda bored of listening when I heard a familiar voice.
“Cleo, this is your mother. If you are home pick up the phone.” She waited what she supposed was a suitable amount of time for me to pick up the phone. “Okay, Cleo what is going on? Why do I have messages from a very upset Diana looking for you on my work voicemail? I hope you haven’t done something truly stupid, but knowing you... I just hope you haven’t burned any bridges you may need to cross again. I’ve called Margaret... She said she talked to you and that everything seemed alright. Still, she said she would stop by this afternoon, so be home and be available.” Again, she fell silent, all I could hear was the crackle of the international line. “Cleo, you know how your father and I felt about you taking this job... It was a huge responsibility and really, you’ve never worked in your life. Maybe we spoiled you. Your life was just too easy.” She sighed, a deep heavy sound. A sound that filled me with the guilt it was meant to bring on. I guess the fact that I’d been doing this job for a year and a half and have never screwed up wasn’t something she would ever consider. “I wish you’d pick up. Well, I hope everything is fine and that you haven’t... Well, you know. Your father and I will be home on the 5th... Call Margaret if you need anything. Well, I’ll see you when I get home...” and then a dial tone. No, I love you. No, I’m worried about you. Just, “I hope you didn’t screw up just like I thought you would.” Oh, and a little of the “your a spoiled brat” lecture added in. Yeah, I was feeling really good about myself now.
“Hey Cleo, this is Ashley.” The next message started. I dropped my head forward onto the counter. This is just what I needed. More guilt and self-loathing coming right up. I don’t think I ordered a double of this. “Umm... Hey, I was just calling to tell you... To apologize. Cleo, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I yelled at you and some of the things I said were inexcusable. I was just panicked... I lashed out at what looked like easy prey. So, I’m sorry.” He fell silent. I wondered what had brought on this sudden spate of repentance. Had Diana and Walker talked to him? There had to be a catch. “And man, you leaving has almost destroyed Taylor. Zac being sick was bad enough, but you leaving, well, that was pretty much the final straw. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so completely broken up before. You really did a number on Taylor.” He paused again. I had known there was a catch. He would apologize to make himself feel like he was the bigger man, but he had to get that final dig in. His final “I told you so” as it were. I heard him take a breath, he had more to say? He had more shit to pile on me? “Also, I was wondering... Would you mind going over and working in the office until we all get home? Margot called and said she was getting way behind. She says your desk is buried... And the mail really needs to be picked up... So, it’d be great if you could go over and work... Take care, I’ll call you in the office.” Ah, now we come to the real reason for the message. I needed to go to work. I hadn’t been in my office next door for well over 3 weeks, I can only imagine the mess. I guess I needed to go and help Margot.
Well, my day of doing absolutely nothing has just vanished...
To be honest, the prospect of sitting in my house all day didn’t really sound all that great anyway. I mean, there is only so much Oprah and daytime television a person can watch in their life and I think I had hit maximum density long ago. And did I really want to drive the 30 minutes to Bixby in a car with no air conditioning? Not really. So, I would go next door and smile nice for my fellow Hanson co-workers. Maybe that was part of the problem. I kept forgetting that all I really was, was an employee. I would answer the phone with a song in my voice. I would be the picture perfect employee. I ran back upstairs and put on some more appropriate for work clothes. As I was sitting on my bed, my cellphone rang. “Hello?”
“Hey, baby...” A soft, tired voice said.
“Zac?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I just wanted to say hi...”
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling a lot better... Or at least that’s the story as far as the doctors and my mom are concerned.” He said, his voice was quiet, but filled with the vitality I recognized. “Did you know what a nazi my mom was about being sick?”
“I vaguely recall being stuck in your bedroom for a couple days with Taylor when we had chicken pox.”
“Yeah, at least you were allowed to bathe...”
“Zac, you have tubes sticking out of you, how are you supposed to bathe?” I asked. Suddenly, I was kinda glad that I wasn’t in Mobile. Zac with no shower for that many days was not a pleasant thought.
“Oh God, don’t get me started on the whole sponge bath thing...” He stopped and made the vocal equivalent of a shudder. “Let me just tell you, sponge baths are not the erotic experiences described in the fanfic.”
“Zac, I just so don’t want to know that.” Zac can always make laugh. I used to love to find the most ridiculous stories on the net and reading them with Zac. Some of his favorite were the nasty ones, ‘cause they were so far off the page of reality.
“I got Jessica to dial the phone for me. My mom’s decided I am a total invalid.” He sighed. I loved the fact that he was bored and antsy that meant he was definitely getting better. “I asked for my laptop and she said no. I asked for my Gameboy, she said no. I asked for my cell phone and she said no. I guess in her head I need total bed rest. So, I’m sleeping a whole lot and watching a lot of really bad television. But I’m starving...”
“They still haven’t let you eat?” I asked.
“No, and if they don’t feed me soon, I’m gonna be skinnier than Taylor.”
“Zac, you could never be as skinny as Taylor, not even in your wildest dreams.”
“Well, from what my mother says, I already am...” I could hear movement through the phone. I could see him lifting up the sheet and checking out how skinny he had gotten. “I can seriously see my ribs.” I heard Jessica say something in the background. “Jessica, those are tubes, these are ribs... I haven’t had anything but an IV for 6 days...”
“Oh, then now wouldn’t be a good time to tell you I had Taco Bueno last night...”
“You are cruel.” His voice was so soft, still if I closed my eyes I could see him smiling his sassy half smile.
“I try,” I said. I sincerely wished I could reach out and run my fingers through his long hair. Zac was barely blond anymore. Really, Taylor was the only one who was blond and he was only blond because of a very talented and discreet hairdresser. “But man, the chocolate chip pancakes are sitting like a ton on lead in my stomach.”
“Oh, how was Madge?” He asked with a smile in his voice. Madge had always hated Zac and I. No matter how hard we tried, we always ended up getting in a food fight. We always got kicked out.
“She was very Madge-like.” I said. “She didn’t kick me out, but I could tell she really, really wanted to. Every time she came and refilled my coffee, I could tell she just wanted to invite me to leave. She watched Jarrod and I like a hawk.”
“Jarrod? You went to breakfast with Jarrod?” He asked.
“Yeah, but it isn’t what you think...” I didn’t know if Jarrod wanted his secret told to the world.
“Was he nice to you?”
“The nicest, he’s changed a lot.” I said. “Anyway, Madge says hello.”
“She did?”
“Yeah, mostly to Taylor, but she did say she hopes you’re feeling better.”
“I’m gonna give her a big kiss on the lips when I get back to Tulsa.” He said. He sounded so far away, farther than just Mobile, Alabama. “Cleo, can I ask you a serious question?”
“Honestly, I don’t think I’m ready, but go ahead.” I said.
“So, why did you leave?”
“I needed to get away for awhile.” I said putting my hand over my eyes.
“Away from what?”
“I don’t know.” I said shrugging almost as if he were sitting next to me. I looked at my bookshelves packed with books and memories. Isaac, Taylor and Zac were literally everywhere. And even though I don’t remember my dreams very often, I’m sure they starred in them too.
“Yes, you do.” He said quietly.
“Zac...” I stood up and walked over to the window that looked out onto 78th Street. I watched as group of kids went flying down the hill on their bikes. From my vantage point, I could see the spot at the bottom of the hill where Taylor had broken his arm. “...let’s not do this.”
“Cleo...” He said, his voice taking on a note of frustration.
“God Zac, what is this?” I demanded. “The inquisition?”
“I just want to hear the truth from you. There are enough people around me who lie to me... Don’t you start too.” Zac said quietly. “Your leaving doesn’t have anything to do with Taylor being naked in your bed?”
“What?” I had hoped he hadn’t noticed a very naked Taylor laying in my bed when he had come in sick. I honestly had thought he had been too sick to realize. This was quickly turning into a bad situation.
“You heard me.” He said. “I was out of it, but not so out of it I didn’t notice my naked brother laying next to me in your bed... Did you sleep with Taylor?”
“Zac...” I said drawing his name out, trying desperately to think of an excuse.
“Cleo, just answer me.” He said, I could hear him breathing. It sounded like he was crying, but I just couldn’t be sure. “You know, I could die.”
“You aren’t going to die...” I said.
“Cleo, I’m not stupid...” He said his voice taking a gravity that I had never heard before. “I know my heart stopped the other day. I have the burns, the blisters on my side and chest to prove it. I feel like someone is standing on my chest. If I stop and lie still, I can feel how hard it is for my heart to contract...”
“Oh God... Zac...” I said leaning my forehead against the window.
“I almost wish I could just die...” He said quietly. “Sometimes, I get so tired...”
“Zac, please...”
“Cleo, why did you leave?” He said a desperation in his voice. “Are you in love with Taylor? Did you sleep with Taylor?”
“I don’t know...” I sighed. Cause really, I didn’t know how to answer him.
“Yes, you do... Taylor loves you. But when I ask him if he slept with you he just turns away... He gets up and leaves the room... He cries a lot.” His voice sounded like he had started to cry. But just cry, no huge emotional outburst, just soft almost silent tears. “Cleo, I am so tired...”
“I do love him... I love him.” I said standing. Maybe the truth was the only way to go. And if he really did die, I didn’t want to have this lie hanging over me. I didn’t want to regret forever I didn’t tell him what he wanted to hear. “I came home because some things happened I needed to think about... Not the least of which is you. Zac if I had been paying more attention to you and less to my desperate attempt to fight my feelings for Taylor... You wouldn’t be laying in a bed.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For telling me the truth and not crying...” He said.
I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. “Zac, please don’t die.”
“I’ll try.” I could hear the smile tugging at his lips. “Will you come back to Mobile?”
“No, but I’ll see you soon.” I said. “You’ll be home before you know it.”
“I know.” I heard Jessica talking in the background again. “My mom is coming, she’ll kill me if she catches me on the phone. So, here’s Jess.”
“Cleo?”
“Hey Jess.” I said as I started down the stairs. “What’s up?”
“I don’t even know where to start.” She said, it sounded like she was walking. “Everything is so crazy here. Crazier then Christmas morning in our house.”
“Really?” I asked as I pushed the back door open and started the short journey across the lawn. When my feet hit the grass, I thought momentarily that I should maybe go back in and put on shoes.
“Yes. Mom and Dad are freaking out ‘cause Zac isn’t improving like the doctors think he should be. Ike and Emory are off in their own little world. I mean, Ike is so happy, he doesn’t even have the courtesy to even pretend he’s worried about Zac.” Jessica heaved a deep sigh, almost as if she were settling into a very comfortable chair.
“I’m sure Ike cares.”
“I know.” She said. “It wouldn’t be so bad, but Taylor’s acting like a zombie. He just walks from room to room as though he isn’t seeing anything. He is just a mess, he acts like he’s lost his best friend. Zac is going crazy with nothing to do, but the doctors say he has to stay totally quiet. So, mom has decided that means no toys.”
“Wow. It does sound nuts.” I said settling onto the steps of the deck. As I sat there, I looked over at my house. This is exactly where Taylor sat watching my house that cold February day.
“That’s not the half of it.” Jessica said. “Girls keep sneaking onto this floor of the hospital. One actually made it all the way into Zac’s room. Mac and Zoë are going nuts. They are so bored of being in the hospital all the time. Katie is flying down today to watch them. My parents, Ashley and Chris have been having all sorts of whispered conversations. Avery is scared of Zac. She freaks whenever Mom tells her it’s her turn to go in and sit with him. It’s just... messy.”
“I’m sorry
“Well, it’s not your fault. I’d better go before Mom comes looking for me.” She said quietly. “I love you. Hope to see you soon.”
“I love you too.” I said as I heard the familiar dial tone. I stood and stretched and walked around to the front of the house. I waved to the girls parked in front of the house. I gathered up the gifts left on the front porch and took a deep breath. It was time to go to work.
When I walked through the back door, Margot looked up at me and smiled. “Cleo, thank heavens you’re here. There is so much stuff to go through...”
I smiled back and went back into my makeshift office in the room that used to be the laundry room. Soon, I was listening to the hundreds of messages left on the Hansonhotline, sifting through the volumes of “Get Well” cards and answering a few of my long neglected emails. I talked to everyone in the Hanson family at least twice. When I finally shut off my computer and stood up to leave, it was fully dark. I trudged back across the yard, up into my bedroom and literally fell into my bed. That night, I fell asleep for the first time in a long time with a clear mind.