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You're a God
I've got to be honest
'Cause you're a god
But I've been unable
I've got to be honest
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“Cleo, are you alright?” Tay asked kneeling down next to me after I had been crying for about 10 minutes.
“Taylor, go away.” I mumbled. Really, I was in no mood for anyone... Anyone, except maybe Isaac. “Does it look like I'm okay?”
“Don't be that way...” Taylor said putting his hand on my back and rubbing gently.
“Don't be what way?” I said raising my head and looking directly into Taylors eyes. “How should I react to this? God Taylor!! How am I supposed to react when my best friend ever tells me he wishes me only pain and heartache? Just because his stupid little brother has this irrational need to confess...”
“Why are you taking this out on me?” He asked. I was lashing out and he was the closest available Hanson. “I didn't do anything...”
“You didn't?” I asked an uncontrollable and irrational anger building. “Of course you didn't, because you're Taylor.... You're practically perfect. You're the poster child for perfection. You could be the superhero for perfect...”
“Cleo...” He said quietly, talking to me as if I were his little sister Zoë, trying to put his arm across my shoulders, to offer me comfort. I wanted none of his brand of comfort.
“Taylor...” I said in a mean and biting tone, mocking him. “You didn't do a bloody fucking thing... But then again, you never do... And even if you do, you get away with it. Hmm... What was that huge scar on my thigh from?”
“Cleo...” Taylor said reaching for me again. “You're bleeding badly. I mean, really badly... It's starting to come out of your shoe...”
“Answer the damned question!” I yelled, backing away from him. “Why do I have an enormous scar on my left leg?”
“Because, you broke it...”
“I broke it?” I yelled at him as loudly as I could. “I broke it? No, I think whoever pushed me out of the treehouse broke it...”
“That was an accident.” Zac said from behind me.
“Was it?” I asked, whipping around to look at Zac. “Why don't you ask Mr. Perfect, Mr. Teenage Pinup, if it was really an accident...”
“Tay?” Zac said turning toward Taylor who was watching me with enormous eyes. “What is she talking about?”
“Well, maybe when she fell, it wasn't completely and accident...” Tay said. He looked at me with eyes that were so iridescent they practically glowed, the tears pooling in his eyes really brought out the blue.
“Did you purposely push Cleo out of the treehouse?”
“Zac, it wasn't like that...” Taylor began.
“What was it like then?” I asked. I sounded so mean Taylor actually physically flinched. He was such a sweet, guileless guy, I didn't know why I was being so mean. A single tear finally broke free from his eyelashes. He didn't even move to wipe it away, he just stood looking at me like I had just killed his puppy. “Enlighten us...”
“Cleo...” Taylor said.
“Do you not get it?” I said, taking a step towards him. I was angry and he could tell. He took a step back. “Taylor, I don't want you! I don't need you. You, I could live without. But, I can't survive without Isaac...” And really, I was telling the truth at that point. “Why can't you just leave me alone. Let things go back to the way they were... I never asked for this.” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “I never asked for this!!”
“I'm... I'm sorry...” Taylor said tears slipping silently down his cheeks. “I didn't know... I didn't understand... I didn't think...”
“No, you didn't think.” I spat out bitterly. “That is your problem, you never think about anyone, but yourself. But really, that isn't entirely your fault, we've all let you believe the world revolves around you for way too long... Well, Taylor, it doesn't.” I whirled around and began to stomp out the front door. I noticed that my left shoe felt squishy. I looked down and I’ll be damned if my shoe wasn't quickly filling with blood. The entire lower half of the left leg was soaked in blood. Suddenly the lights seemed to dim and the floor began to swirl underneath me, I was about to faint...
“Cleo, don't go...” Zac said steadying me before I fell backwards.
“Why not?” I asked pulling away from him. “Seriously Zac, why should I stay? Everything is so messed up...”
“Because, we love you...” Zac said softly gripping my left wrist. I winced in pain. “But more importantly, I love you...”
“I don't know why...” I said pulling away from him and cradling my sore wrist against my stomach. “Seriously, I don't know why...” I walked out the door, leaving Taylor crying in the frozen food section, Zac standing by the door calling my name and Ashley paying for the food, but I couldn't see Isaac. “I've got to go...” I mumbled as I walked out of the store. My knee hurt, my wrist hurt and I felt like crap. What a beautiful combination. I walked over to the van and noticed the door was already open. When I stuck my head into the van, I saw Isaac sitting on the back bench looking out the window. “Do you mind if I sit with you?”
“Honestly?” Isaac said looking at me. “Yes, I do mind.”
“Isaac, why are you doing this to me?” I asked. Really, this was all getting to be too much. “How dare you turn my life into some sort of bad melodrama?”
“I'm the one doing this?” Isaac asked. “I don't think so...”
“Fine, I’ll just walk back to the hotel...” I said stomping off.
“Fine.” Isaac called after me.
“Fine, it's all fine.” I thought as I trudged off in the direction I hoped was Mobile. Really. How dare they change the rules on me. I had spent almost my entire life blissfully surrounded by the Hanson family. Always feeling like one of them. I had even called Diana and Walker “Mom and Dad.” Isaac, Taylor and Zac were my brothers. Or were they? I mean, I had always loved them, but loved them how? Had I really been just showing them a familial love? Or had I secretly (so secretly I wasn't even aware of it) been encouraging them to love me? And how aware had I been of how Isaac felt for me? I mean, what if I had just been stringing him along all along? I mean, there was always the teasing and the good-natured ribbing about how Isaac and I were made for each other. But, I had always thought it was just that, a joke. So, I had played along. I had let Ike love me. Why? Was it because I loved and craved the attention? Did I actually enjoy the fact that Ike’s sweet nature had made it so easy for me to manipulate him? Honestly, I had taken advantage of Ike and his complete adoration on more than one occasion. I was the worst type of person... I had never examined my motivations closely enough to even know what I meant to do or even, who I was...
And that's not even taking into account how I've treated both Taylor and Zac. I had actually been aware of how I’d tortured Zac all these years. Zac had gladly followed me around like some sort of puppy dog, all arms and legs and slobbery kisses. Of the three guys, I had without a doubt kissed Zac most. But most of those kisses had been on the cheek or the forehead... I had willfully played on Zac’s obvious love for me. And then, there was Taylor. I had always kept Tay at a distance, no closer than arms length. Why? Was Isaac right? Had I always known that I could love him? Had everyone always known? I mean, both Ike and Zac had been teased mercilessly when it came to me, but never Taylor. Maybe, it was because there is a sincerity in Taylor that both Ike and Zac are lacking and his love had just seemed too real.... Was that it? Was I afraid of real, true, honest emotion? Oh God, I really was the worst type of person....
With each step, I became more and more convinced that there was a special place just for me in hell. My wrist had begun to swell and ache and the cut on my leg had begun to throb and because of all the blood in my shoe, I was developing blisters where the shoe was rubbing. I turned and looked at where I had come from, I noticed a thin trail of blood following my footsteps. I wanted to just sit on the curb and wait for something, anything, to happen, but I had to get back... To what? I wasn't quite sure, but I'm sure there was something I needed to do back in Mobile. Maybe there was another family that I needed to tear apart (my work as a home wrecker was never done). Or maybe I needed to just go back to Tulsa. Runaway and go home. As I stood on a corner waiting for the light to change, a van pulled up in front of me and the sliding door opened. “Cleo, get in the van.” Zac ordered.
“No.” I said.
“Cleo, you're just being stupid.” Zac said jumping out and putting his arm behind my back. I was looking up at Zac, but his face seemed so far away. Man, when did he get so tall?
“I can't...” I said.
“Why not?” He asked gently guiding me toward the waiting van.
“Because, I'm a fool...” I could feel my eyes rolling back into my head. And as if in slow motion, I felt my knees give out...
I don't know how long I was out, but as I slowly surfaced from the ether, I could tell I was in a vehicle that was moving fast. “Hey, she's waking up...” Zac said. He gently smoothed my hair back from my face. “Good morning, Sunshine.”
“What the...” I began struggling to sit up. But Zac kept his arms wrapped tightly around me. “Where are we going?”
“Well, we're going to the hospital in Mobile...” Zac said softly.
“Why?” I asked still a little dazed from passing out.
“Because, you're bleeding and well, you just passed out.”
“Oh.” Had I really passed out? I reached out and touched Zac’s face. He was so sweet and so kind... And so hot. “Zac, you're burning up.”
“No, you're just cold.” He said taking my hand away from his face. “You're in shock from the blood loss.”
“Oh.” I said looking down at my leg. Wow, it really was bleeding badly. Luckily, someone had wrapped my leg in shopping bags, so the blood wasn't getting all over the van. Well, I guess I had to go and get some stitches. Wow, with this accident, all three of the Hanson brothers have hurt me. The wound from Isaac was the only one that would probably never heal. I laid in Zac’s warm and comforting arms and tried valiantly not to think about anything. Seriously, it had gotten to a point where if I thought, I’d probably scream and really, I don't think that would have helped anything. So, I just sat there trying to pretend that in the backseat of the van weren't two men who would gladly have let me walk the 80 miles from Monroeville to Mobile. I have never felt so unloved before. As we pulled into the emergency driveway in front of the hospital, I sat up and stepped out of the van. I began to walk towards the front door, but I noticed no one was coming with me. “Aren't you coming with me?”
“No,” came the unanimous answer.
“Come on, you aren't going to make me go sit in the hospital by myself, are you?” I asked again leaning into the van. Isaac just looked away, he couldn't even find the words to not answer me. Taylor finally looked at me and the huge tears welling up in his eyes stopped the words below the lump in his throat. And Zac, well, the look of sheer terror in Zac’s eyes was all the answer I needed from him.
“Actually,” Ashley said. “We have to get back to the hotel... None of us can stay with you...”
“What?” I asked puzzled. I obviously needed medical attention, did they really expect me to sit in the hospital by myself? “You're kidding, right?”
“No,” Taylor said looking at me with the saddest eyes ever. Wow, sad is a good look for him, it makes his eyes practically glow. “We have to go back to the hotel to finish the MTV interview... They want some candid shots and some behind the scenes stuff with us playing our instruments...”
“Fine! you know what? Fuck you all....” I said slamming the door to the van and limping toward the hospital. Because I had been holding my leg so still while in the van, it had stiffened up pretty quickly.
I heard the door to the van slide open and Zac calling me. I just held up the middle finger of my right hand as I stepped through the doors into the semi-sterile world of the emergency room. I was a big girl, I had driven myself to the ER before. I knew all the answers to the unanswerable questions. I was good at hiding. I stepped into a bathroom before checking in and quickly cleaned off my face as best I could with only one working hand. I won't bore you with the details of my lengthy visit to the Mobile hospital. I’ll just say the highlights were, the 16 stitches I got in my knee, the purple fiberglass cast I got on my wrist and the spiffy new scrub outfit and slippers I got. I was filthy and sticky and covered with blood. I also was visited by a friendly (if not harried) social worker who wanted to hear how this had happened. Although, she wasn't nearly as frazzled as the social workers I’d met in the various Tulsa hospitals Jarrod had sent me too. Mostly her questions were centered around how I had gotten such a long, deep cut and where all of the bruises had come from.
I had the receptionist at the hospital call a taxi for me and it wasn't until we were almost back to the hotel that I realized I had no money. Wow, this evening was going from bad to worse. As the taxi pulled up in front of the hotel, I heard the familiar buzzing of the girls waiting out front. Oh Lord, I hoped beyond hope that none of them recognized me. The driver turned and looked at me all bloody and beaten. “That's $34.50 doll.”
“Okay, the thing is... I don't have any cash on me... right now...” I said trying desperately to hide my face from the curious girls trying to look into the back of the taxi. “If you'll just let me run up to my room...”
“Yeah, sure!” The cabby said. How is it even in Mobile, Alabama the cab drivers have what sound like Jersey accents.
“No, really...” I said. “I promise, I’ll be back...” I looked down, the only thing of any value I had was my watch. But it had been Thad’s and it was so valuable to me. “I could leave... Um... My clothes?” I said holding up the bag with my dirty bloody clothes inside. He didn't need to know that there wasn't anything of any value in it... I had pulled my cashmere sweater on over the industrial green scrubs. And I didn't know if I would ever be able to get the blood out of the clothes and shoes.
“Leave your glasses.” He said putting his hand out. “They look real enough and then you'll be sure to come back...”
“Okay.” I said taking off my glasses and handing them to the driver. “I’ll be right back.” I said as I quickly stepped out of the taxi and hurried into the hotel. Okay, now I had to get a key card to get back into the room and then I had to find $40.00 without my glasses. Good freakin’ luck. Unless of course, one of the guys was still up at 3:00 am, which was more than likely, but would any of them be talking to me? I walked up to the front desk and squinted at the person behind the desk. “Um, excuse me?”
“Cleo?” The faceless blob behind the desk asked. “Oh my gosh, what happened to you?”
“Julia? Oh thank God!” I said. “It's a long story and really, I’ll tell you all about it one day, but for now, I'm locked out of my room and there is taxi outside with the driver holding my glasses hostage until I give him $40.00...”
“Oh, I’ll get it.” She said. She was suddenly a flurry of activity (what exactly she was doing will forever be a mystery since I am blind without my glasses, really, I am basically non-functional when I don't have my glasses). I leaned my forehead against the counter and waited. After a surprisingly short period of time, I felt a small hand on my back. “Here.” I gladly accepted my glasses from her. “Now, tell me what happened?”
“Oh, well, Zac and I had a little bit of an accident...” I said. “It seems shopping carts tip fairly easily, especially when they run into large displays of canned fruit... Really, I’ll tell you the whole story tomorrow. Right now, I am exhausted. Can I get you the $40.00 tomorrow?”
“Don't worry about it,” she said smiling. “I took it out of the fund we have back here for guests who end up taking taxis cause the van is already out.”
“Thanks so much.” I said. I slowly wandered over to the elevator and pushed the up button. I was ready to go back to my room and just rest. I turned and looked at the girls waiting out front. They wanted so desperately to see one of the guys... And all I wanted was to not see them. I wanted to just sleep. I would deal with them tomorrow.
As the elevator opened, I cautiously stepped in. I almost expected Taylor to be waiting for me. Thankfully, he wasn't. And not for the reasons you're thinking. I was grateful because I don't think my fragile mind could take the screaming as the elevator doors opened on each and every floor. The elevator would stop and as the doors slid open, I could hear the whispers of a group of girls standing or sitting outside the doors hoping that this time it would be Hanson going back to their room. As the doors slid shut I could hear the girls murmuring. I caught snippets of “is that her” and “Cleo.” I just ignored them all, fairly certain that if I did, they would maybe just go away. When the door slid soundlessly open on the 12th floor, I took a deep breath and stepped into the hallway. I could see the door to our room was open a crack (someone must have realized I had gotten out of the van without my bag) and there was a telltale flicker of light. Someone was up and watching television. Or, maybe someone was asleep in front of it. I unconsciously crossed my fingers as I crept into the room. The door swung open soundlessly, I could see what appeared to be a soundly sleeping Zac laying on the couch with the weather channel on.
I inched my way slowly over to the door to my room and let myself in as quietly as I could. I limped over to my bed and fell back. I needed to get changed. I was sticky and smelly. I stripped off my newly acquired scrubs and stepped into the tub. I couldn't get my stitches or my cast wet, but I really needed to rinse off. So I balanced precariously in the front of the shower, my left arm and leg sticking out of the shower. After a quick and scary rinsing, I quickly pulled on a clean pair of way too baggy linen shorts and a tank top. I really needed to take some of the pills the doctor gave me at the hospital, but I didn't have anymore bottled water in my mini bar, so I slipped out of my room and back into the great room. Zac lay in the exact same position he was in when I had sneaked back into the room. I gently pulled the fridge open and grabbed a bottle of water. I popped the pain killers and antibiotics into my mouth and tipped the water bottle back and took a huge swallow.
“Hey,” Zac said from the couch. “When did you get back?” I dropped the water bottle onto the floor and swallowed the mouthful of water wrong. I began to cough. Well, really, I don't think what I was doing could be called coughing, it was more of a hacking, a puking up a lung sound, basically I was choking. Zac was off the couch and by my side immediately. “Oh man, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I thought you knew I was awake...”
“If I had known you were awake, would I have been sneaking around like that?” I demanded.
“I don't know.” Zac shrugged, raising an eyebrow. “Really, I don't question your motivations very often...”
“Ha ha!” I said pushing his shoulder playfully. “Thanks for coming into the hospital with me.”
“Sorry, but you know how I feel about those places...” He said shuddering. “So, how are you?”
“Well, I have 16 stitches in my knee. That cart really ripped my knee open.” I said showing him the large bandage around my knee. “And I have a greenstick fracture of my radius and compression fracture in my left wrist. The guy doesn't think I need surgery, but...”
“Surgery?” Zac said, shuddering. “I’d be telling him, “no, no, it's alright, I can just use my other arm”.”
“Yeah, if I've compressed the cartilage in my wrist too much they have to put pins in my wrist...”
“Oh man,” he said. “I am so sorry...”
“Would you two shut up?” Isaac yelled from behind his closed door. “My hell!! You are so damned annoying...”
“Sorry!” Zac yelled as I pulled him into my room. Once inside with the door closed we both began to laugh. “It's like we're little kids who got busted by Dad doing something dirty...”
“We could you know...” I said putting my hand up his shirt. Okay, now in my defense at this moment, I was pretty hopped up on painkillers. And he looked really good, his cheeks were flushed and his eyes were shining. And he had those lips...
“We could what?” He said licking his lips and looking down at me.
I reached up and twined my fingers through his hair. I pulled his mouth down onto mine and planted a kiss right on his lips. “Do something dirty...” I whispered directly into his ear. I felt his entire body stiffen as I ran my tongue along his jaw. That was all it took. Suddenly, we were both a mass of arms and hands and mouths and tongues. I pulled him slowly forward until the backs of my legs hit the side of my bed. I sat down pulling him down with me. There was no question that he was enjoying this. I pulled his t-shirt off over his head and ran my hands down his back. He had muscles in places I'm sure other boys don't. And his skin it felt so hot. Actually, he felt too hot. “Zac, you are so hot...”
“So are you...” He said kissing the fingers of my broken left arm, then kissing the inside of my elbow... His lips just felt too good... His hand slid up my back and he pulled me tight against his chest. Suddenly, I knew this was where I was supposed to be forever. He made me feel so safe and so loved. My hands found their way down to the waistband of his cargo shorts. Without breaking our kiss, I undid his belt (which wasn't easy with only one working hand) and slid my hand down into his pants over his boxers. Suddenly, he pulled away from me and grabbed my hand. “What are you doing?”
“I was...” I said stopping and actually thinking about what I was about to do. “I don't know... I guess I was about to have sex with you?”
“Really?” He asked, letting go of my hand. “You'd do that? With me?”
“I was about to.” I said suddenly feeling very foolish. Zac didn't want me. How could I have been so wrong for so long.
“Wow,” he said laying flat on his back looking up at the ceiling. “Wow.”
“What wow?” I asked confused. “Why wow? It's not like I'm a virgin and you've done this with the nameless, faceless many...”
“Well, it kinda is.” He said throwing his arm across his eyes. “Cleo, can I ask you another serious question?”
And the trouble begins... “Of course.”
“Would you hate me if I told you that I lied to you?”
“No.” I said snuggling my head into his shoulder. “Well, that depends, what did you lie about?”
“Cleo, I'm still a virgin.” He said quickly. “In fact, I’d never seen a real live naked woman until yesterday morning... I've hardly even kissed a girl. I mean, Marcy, but who hasn't kissed her... But, I've never had oral sex or any other type of sex...” I couldn't hold it in any longer, I just started to laugh. “What are you laughing at?”
“Zac, why would you tell me that you are so major player?” I asked.
“Because,” he said shrugging. “I wanted you to think that I was worldly... Make you think I was all that a bag of chips. ‘Cause then maybe you'd want me...”
“Oh Zac...” I said rolling onto my stomach and looking into his eyes. “I was so sad to think that my sweet little boy was corrupt...”
“Cleo, do you still want to have sex with me?” He asked.
“No, but not for the reason you're thinking...” I said snuggling up to him. “Because, I want you to remain who you are right now for as long as you can. Will you promise me that you will stay this way...”
“Okay...” He said planting a kiss on my forehead.
“But, I do want to say that Marcy McGrady is one lucky girl to have gotten to teach you how to kiss...” I said resting my head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. We lay on my bed, both of us watching the shadows from the blowing drapes dancing across the ceiling. He felt so warm and comfortable next to me. There was no question in my mind at that moment, I loved Zac Hanson with all that I was. I would protect him from harm forever if I could.