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Missing You
Since you've been away
As I look around
But now you've gone away boy
You had so much hope
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“Cleo, yo Cleophus!” Someone was calling my name and gently shaking my shoulder. “Cleo, it’s time to get up to go to soundcheck.”
“Ike?” I said stretching. I felt hot and headachy just like I always felt when I slept during the day. “What time is it?”
“It’s 4:30 Tulsa time, we were supposed to be at the theater about half an hour ago.” He said looking at his watch. We all left our watches set to Tulsa time (and all the daily schedules I printed up were in Tulsa time), that way, no one got too confused by the myriad time changes we experienced. “We’ve got to get going.”
“Do I have time to take a shower?” I asked. I really, really wanted to take a shower and well, change out of my new “favorite” outfit.
“No,” Zac said from the open door where he stood with his arms folded across his chest, he still looked really pale and there were dark circles beginning to show under his tired eyes. “Ash just called and we need to be ready to go in like two minutes. Thank God I packed my suitcase before I fell asleep.”
“So, did you finally get some sleep?” I asked stretching again, feeling the bones in my back cracking back into place. “I mean, did Taylor finally calm down a little?”
“Yeah, Taylor finally got whatever bug was up his butt out.” Zac said shaking his head. “I mean, the interview went well and our acoustic set sounded good and the meet and greet was fairly painless. But something really set him off today. Sometimes I wonder about his sanity.”
“Hey, we’re all entitled to have a bad day from time to time.” I groaned as I sat up and pulled on my shoes as Ike and Zac disappeared into their room. Ashley had been on the warpath recently about how late we had been to just about everything. Seriously, it wasn’t easy to light a fire under any of the three of them. I grabbed my bag (at this point, I should have dug through it to make sure everything I may need for the evening was in it, but I was late and I just knew it was all there) and I headed for the door.
I pulled my door shut and turned to see Taylor standing in front of the elevators watching me. He half smiled at me and I turned away. I have no idea why I was being such a raunch to him, really it wasn’t his fault some fan had yanked my hair. But I wanted to be pissed and well, as fun as free flowing rage is, it is just so much more satisfying if I have someone to aim it at. I was studying the horrendous pattern in the carpet as I heard the others join us. Taylor greeted Matt, Jason and Scott as they wandered up to where we were standing. They said hello to me and I just grunted in response. Zac came out of his room and ambled over next to me, slinging his arm across my shoulders, grabbing my hand and lacing our fingers together. He still felt just a little too warm, but not as warm as earlier. I was about to ask him how he felt when Ashley and Jason (the bodygaurd) got off the elevator. Moments later Ike (with his guitar Cassandra slung over his shoulder) stepped out of his room as well.
“So, are we a group?” Ashley asked putting his hand in the circle. At this, we were each supposed to stick our hands into the circle and declare, “we’re a group” to signify our unity, our commitment to making tonight the best it possibly could be. I hung back, still leaning against my door, because really, I didn’t want any part in making this evening anything. “Cleo? Would you care to join us?” I rolled my eyes as I stepped into the circle.
Since I was the last to join the circle, I was the one to finish the chant. “We’re a group.” I intoned without much enthusiasm. At this everyone in the circle let out a mighty whoop.
“Okay, let’s make tonight the best ever.” Ashley said over our clapping, whooping and hollering and high-fiving as we all loaded onto the elevators. I managed to get on the elevator with the Matt, Scott, Jason and Ashley. Taylor, Isaac, Zac and Jason (bodyguard Jason, not guitarist Jason) were in the other elevator. “Cleo, do you have the list I gave you yesterday?”
“Ash, you will have to be a tad more specific.” I said reaching into my Scooby Doo messenger bag and rooting around for my palm pilot. It wasn’t in there. “No, I don’t because I left my palm pilot in my room. Sorry, I think I’ve gotten so tired I’ve become an idiot. I don’t know why, but I’ve been so distracted all day. I’ll run up and get it; you guys can go without me. I’ll take a cab or something.”
“No, we’ll wait, just hurry, ‘cause we need the names of the people who won the Hanson.net contest. I really need to verify the names with the box office as soon as possible.” Ashley said as I hit the button to stop the elevator at the next floor. I stepped off and hit the up button.
Another elevator heading up stopped almost immediately; I stepped in only to be face to face with Taylor. He must have forgotten something upstairs as well. He looked at me and smiled. His smile was so genuine; it almost looked like he’d hoped I would be the one waiting in the hallway for this particular elevator. Despite my desire to remain pissed, I smiled back. “Tay, I am so sorry for how awful I’ve been since we got back from the radio station.” I said quickly. “I know you have absolutely nothing to do with how psychotic some of the fans are.”
“No, I’m sorry. I should have thought before I said something so stupid on live radio.” He said looking at his shoes. “I was just joking around and I didn’t think about how it would be taken.”
“That’s okay, I know you didn’t mean anything.” I said as we stepped off the elevator. He followed me into my room and watched me as I rummaged around looking for my palm pilot. I found it shoved into the side pocket of my video camera. “Usually it wouldn’t bother me, but today has just been a really, really bad day and I don’t know why. Um, didn’t you come up here to get something?”
“Oh, yeah!” He exclaimed as he ran into his room and quickly came running back into my room. “I came back for my toothbrush.”
“You almost left another toothbrush?” I asked putting my hands on my hips. He had seriously left behind one in each city so far.
“But I didn’t.” Taylor said as I quickly strode into the room they had shared and did a quick search of the entire room. I opened all the drawers and the closets, when I opened the door to the bathroom I stopped short. Every toiletry article they had lay on the counter. The only thing missing was Taylor’s toothbrush.
“So, were you even planning on taking any of this?” I asked.
“Oh, oh yeah.”
“When were you going to get it?”
“Um...now? Sorry, we just forgot. Again.” He said sheepishly. I shot him a dirty look and grabbed a plastic valet bag. I swept everything off the counter into the bag, which I deposited in the huge Rubbermaid tote I had all their clean and folded laundry in. “You know, for guys who think they rule the world, you are surprisingly helpless.”
“Well, that’s why we need amazing women behind us.” Taylor said smiling his best photo session smile.
“Stop being so charming, I want to be mad.” I declared as I did a last-minute check of the rooms. When I was done, we went out and were waiting for the elevator. I heaved a huge sigh and felt my emotions come crashing over my head once again. I was just so overwhelmed today. Everything was making me feel like crap. I was angry above and beyond the call of sanity about Tay’s offhand joking comment, about some random girl expressing a popular opinion (at least among the myriad Hanson fans), about the boys leaving behind all of their toiletries (once again), about having to go to a concert and be nice to girls who wanted to scratch my eyes out, about just about everything. I was physically exhausted and my emotions felt like they had been pushed one way, then pulled another. I’d had moments of supreme self-confidence and bouts of knee-locking insecurity all in one overlong day. I had gone from happy to angry to sad and back again several times. I usually wasn’t this moody. And to top it all off, I felt like I was going to burst into tears again. I was about to cry again. I usually don’t cry and I was about to for the third time in one day. As we stepped onto the elevator, I felt the tears oiling my eyelids. These weren’t cool soothing tears they were hot angry tears. I looked down at the palm pilot and pulled up the list of the Hanson.net contest winners. And there it was, the reason I felt so bad. It was August 27th, a day that will live in infamy. Before I could stop it, a tear broke free of my lashes, I quickly reached behind my glasses to wipe it away, but Taylor noticed.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked alarmed. If it had been Zac or Isaac with me in the elevator, I would have quickly been enveloped in a hug. Taylor rarely touched me, especially after the time I had fallen out of the tree house when just he and I were up there. Oh sure, he hugged me, but not as often (or as tightly) as Ike and Zac. “Seriously Cleo, we’ll remember to get the stuff out of the bathroom from now on. I swear.”
“It’s not that.” I said as the elevator doors soundlessly slid open. I tried to laugh to lighten the mood, but what came out of my mouth was a horrible, bitter sounding snerk. “It's just today is August 27th.”
“So?” He asked his perfect eyebrows pulling together and a dark cloud passing over the blue of his eyes as though the act of thinking were hard. “What difference does that make? Oh man, Cleo. I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t answer. It was just like this morning in the bathroom with Zac, I could feel the tight grip I had on my control slipping soundlessly through my fingers. I hurried out and jumped in the front seat of the waiting van. Taylor quickly followed me. Within moments, we were on our way to the venue. But my mind was elsewhere; it was with my other half. When I told Zac it was easier to not think of Thad, I wasn’t lying. ‘Cause when I thought about him, all other thought ceased. I was a complete basket case. “Hey, Cleo, do you have the list of contest winners?” Ashley asked pulling me unwillingly from my lack of coherent thought.
“Um, yeah, here it is.” I said my voice husky as I handed him my palm pilot.
“Cleo, what’s wrong?” Ike asked from the very back row of the van. God, that man was so sensitive and perceptive. He could tell I was in pain without even seeing my face. I loved him completely.
“I think Cleo may need a little time to herself.” Taylor whispered, making a quick cutting gesture toward his brothers. I watched him in the mirror on my sun visor, put his arm up and point at the date on his watch. Ike looked at it and shook his head as though he didn’t understand, then Zac punched him in the arm and mouthed something. Suddenly the light went on in Isaac’s head and he sat back a sad look on his face.