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Maybe I'm Amazed
Baby I’m amazed at the way you love me all
the time |
"You're kidding, right?" I asked standing there dressed like a princess but feeling anything but.
"No." He said shaking his head. I noticed he was very greasy, his cheeks bright pink, big sweat rings under his arms. He had obviously been out in the heat, walking.
"You didn't bring me here to marry me?" I asked hating the feeling that someone had just pulled the rug out from under my feet. This was so not good. Not what I expected at all.
"Oh, I did," Taylor said in a nonchalant manner. "The truth is I wanted to... to wow you... to make today something so romantic, so special, so over the top it would become legend. But sometimes things change."
"But… Why?" I asked realizing that my worst fears were coming true. I also knew that if he walked out of the hotel room, he was never coming back. I had reached the point where I had pushed him far enough and now, he was pushing back.
"Oh Cleo," He said shaking his head. "You really are an amazing creature. I'm going to head back to the airport… The plane leaves in an hour. If you don't make it, there is a flight tomorrow morning early... If you decide to wait until tomorrow, just use the company credit card."
"Taylor?" I said my heart skipping several beats. He just looked at me with this look of pure resolve on his face. He wasn't making an emotional decision. He had thought about it; the detached, distracted way he was talking was seriously freaking me out. There was a gravity to his words that made me truly understand that this honestly may very well be the end of it all, unless, I could figure out some way to make him stay. As his hand fell on the doorknob, I knew it was now or never, literally. Either I found my voice and fixed this or I learned to live without him. And I was not prepared for that particular lesson. "Taylor, wait." He stopped his shoulders dropping slightly. "I have something I need to say to you…" Again, my words seemed to leave me suddenly and completely. I began to panic. I didn't know what to say, again.
"What is it?" He said sighing deeply after I had stood there in front of him for a lot longer than I meant to. What was it I wanted to say?
"I need you to know that I love you completely." I started my voice slow and steady. Tears and dramatics were out of the question. I needed Taylor to hear my words, not just react to a huge emotional outburst. And if he weren't making decisions based on emotion today, it might only make things worse. "I love you in a way that is basic and elemental. You are as vital to my day-to-day existence as blood or oxygen. You need to understand that as hard as it was I learned to live without Thad. Without you? I will die." He had turned away from the door. I watched his face as what I was saying sank in. "There are things in this world that I know, that I understand. And this fact is one of them. I can't even explain how I know, but I do…"
"I don't know…" Taylor began. He sounded so skeptical, so unbelieving. And really who could blame him.
"The thing is I often have no clue what's going to happen from one minute to the next. Your life is so crazy; as a consequence, so is mine." I said my words coming quicker and quicker as what I wanted to say began to form into complete sentences, into cogent thoughts. "This last tour, there were days where I didn't have any clue what city we were in. Often I didn't know if it was a concert day or a lag day. It even felt like I didn't know my own name sometimes. I would hear someone say "Cleo" and I wouldn't respond cause I just wasn't sure they meant me. Being on the road with you just taught me how much I really don't know about the world, how little I understand human behavior. Still there are things I know, things I can rely on. Summer in Tulsa will always be sticky and hot. I will never do anything well enough that my mother is actually proud of me. And every single day that I'm alive, I love you more." He moved two steps away from the door. "Jarrod once asked how I knew I loved you. And really, my answer still holds true."
"What was your answer?" He asked, a dark shadow in his eyes. He knew about Jarrod, understood that I didn't love him at all. But there still was and probably always would be that part of him that resented him and his presence in my life. Still, he had no intention of interrupting me. I was finally saying the things he needed and wanted to hear.
"Taylor, you are the one constant in my life. You are my blue skies. You are my nights filled with stars." I stopped as tears choked me. I couldn't cry now. I needed to be steady and convincing. Hysteria as effective as it can be for an immediate reaction just isn't convincing in the long run. "You are my own personal Shakespearean sonnet. You are the compass that guides and directs my daily course. You are the comfort of things known and the thrill of things unknown. You are everything to me."
"Cleo, words come so easily to you." Taylor said shaking his head. But he sounded much less certain than he had a few moments earlier.
"No, Taylor, they don't." I said the memory of all the words I should have said yesterday haunting me. "If only you could understand how many times I wanted to drop to my knees and beg your forgiveness during the last thirty-six hours…"
"Well, what stopped you?" He asked taking another step into the room. The farther he got from the door the safer I felt. But at any moment he could head back for the door, I had to keep him here.
"Honestly, I don't know." I answered. His face dropped at my answer. I knew how badly he hated it when I answered one of his questions with an "I-don't-know." But on this occasion I really didn't. And I needed to convince him of that.
"Convenient answer," he said rolling his eyes and starting to turn back towards the door. "Let me know when you do know..."
"I think… I think it was a lot of different things… I wasn't sure how you'd react. I didn't know exactly what I wanted to say. And in the end…" In the end what? What was the main problem? My words sounded urgent even to my ears. I honestly was standing in front of the jury begging for my life, because depending on Taylor's answer; this could be a death sentence. "I have no defense... Because in the end, I succumbed to my foolish pride."
With those last words, I had found the thing he wanted to hear. I could tell by the way his face softened just the tiniest bit. And it wasn't just words or supplication; it was the truth. "I'm not going to lie," he began slowly. "I brought you here to sweep you off your feet, to somehow impress you with all of this glitz and glamour. Then, I was going to hand you back your ring with an ultimatum: Marry me now or not at all. Because I realized last night that you'll be no more ready in seven months than you are now. But… Maybe it's best if we wait."
"What? Why?" I demanded. I hated that this wasn't going the way I wanted it to. "No! I don't want to wait. I don't want..." What didn't I want? Why didn't I know? I knew that I didn't want to plan something massive and elaborate or extravagant.
"Hey, let's start at a different point: What do you want?" Taylor asked a note of irritation creeping back into his voice. Honestly, I couldn't blame him for being irritated. I could see my earlier fear reflected back at me in his face. But there was also a lot of annoyance. Why did I insist on talking in circles? This was a turn of events I had not even considered. "Cleo, I take what I said earlier back, you really need to work on your communication skills. I'm not understanding a word that is coming out of you."
"I don't know how to make you understand..." I stammered. I really didn't have a clue on how to convince him.
"Well, I have faith that you can," Taylor said a sarcastic tone to his voice he usually reserved for Isaac and Zac. "You do have a degree in English. Unless, you have no explanation."
"It's just I don't want to go through the hell of Emory and Isaac's marriage." I explained getting flustered. What if he thought I didn't love him? That I wanted it to end? "All of the public spectacle… All of the planning... There are way too many people. It has the air of a circus sideshow. Seriously, their wedding is out of control."
"Anything that involves all of my relatives is a circus, not just the sideshow." Taylor mumbled. "Cleo, you know that..."
"I know," I said sighing.
"And really, isn't that the point of a wedding?" Taylor demanded. "Aren't weddings supposed to be a celebration you share with the people you love?"
"Well, yes…" I began.
"Then what's the problem? A few days of insanity and the inconvenience of planning really are a small price to pay." Taylor said shrugging. He had a far too valid point.
"I know," I said hating how all of this was getting away from me. "But that isn't what I wanted. Not what I ever wanted."
"So, what are you saying? You don't want to get married? Or just not to me?" He asked a bite to his voice. He was here and he was listening to me, but he wasn't buying it. I felt like I was trying to sell a glass of water to a drowning man. He shook his head as he leaned back. "Last night, Ike told me not to take you too seriously. But it sure sounds like you really meant it."
"Meant what?" I asked feeling the conversation turning in a direction that was one hundred eighty degrees from where I wanted to go. "What did I mean?"
"You really broke up with me." He said a very tired look on his face. He sank tiredly into a chair. He looked how I felt. This was just becoming way too taxing emotionally. I needed to fix this. He had reached a breaking point, the point I was at last night. But really, he was way more justified than I was. And I knew it. This was a turn of events I had not even considered; maybe he didn't love me and he really wanted to end it.
"Oh God no!" I dropped to my knees in front of him. I clasped compulsively at his hands, searching his face for any trace of hope in this situation. I knew what I needed to do. I needed to let him know just how much I loved him. How truly committed to this I was. "Jordan Taylor Hanson, will you marry me?"
"When?" He asked his eyes narrowing. I didn't know if he was suspicious of my motives, or what, but he definitely gave me a very skeptical look.
"Now!" I answered. From the look of shock on his face, I don't think he ever thought I would say that. I threw my head back and laughed. Laughed because it was true, I wanted nothing more than to marry him right this minute. "I say we leave here and just go inside the first chapel we come to..."
"Actually," he began looking at his watch, "our reservation at Little Church of the West is in 45 minutes."
"Okay then, let's go." I said jumping up and grabbing his hand.
"Wait, I want to shower and change," he said resisting my pulling.
"Taylor, there isn't time for a shower!" I urged. "Let's go, let's go, let's go!"
"Cleo, I really think that waiting would be for the best." Taylor said not standing up.
"Tay, you're right, I will be no more ready in seven months than I am at this very moment." I said. I was ready to beg and plead if I needed to, now was the time for hysterics.
"Okay, then let's wait." Taylor said resisting my urging.
"I don't want to wait." I said.
"I just don't think you're ready for this." Taylor said a quiet defeat in his voice.
"I am, this is all I want!" I protested.
"Okay, great, then let's wait." Taylor said again. This time he smiled as he cupped my face. "We get to spend all summer together. Then when the tour is over, we can plan together. We can find our little house in Jenks with a white picket fence."
"But, I want to do this now." I said my chin starting to quiver. I really was about to start crying. But really, I wanted to reserve that as a last resort. "And what if your parents decide that we just can't be trusted? What if they say cause we're not married that they don't want us alone on the road together? I mean, we are adults and we can do what we want, but would you really go against your parents?"
"No," he answered the first sign of hesitation in his voice. "I don't think they'd do that."
"You don't?" I asked. "Tay, I can totally see them saying that even though what happened last summer wasn't my fault at all, they just think that me going on tour alone with you is not a great idea."
"Actually, I can see that happening." Taylor said softly.
"Totally!" I said grasping onto the one thing that would get to him: being separated. "I think they're waiting until Ike and Em are on their honeymoon and then they're going to drop this bomb on us."
"You're right," Taylor said. "I mean, they let me stay at your house while Ike and I were fighting, but that was different. No one really knew..."
"Exactly!" I said loving that my point was being made.
"I don't want to go on tour without you," he said his hands smoothing over my shoulders.
"So, why not just get married?" I argued. "Besides all the other reasons, you spent way too much money on this dress for it to just be something pretty I wear once on the day we almost got married."
"The cost doesn't matter." I almost cringed as he said those words. I had made progress, but by bringing up the cost, I was losing valuable ground. He really was a very generous soul.
"I didn't say it did!" I cut him off. I needed to get this back on track, back to the important things. I needed to refute as many of his reservations as I could. "Tay, let's get serious here. You are having second thoughts because of the last couple of days. I mean, we fought yesterday and today, is that it?"
Taylor shrugged. "Well, sort of…"
"I won't lie, that was a horrible fight." I said sliding in between his legs so I could grab him around the middle. I pulled him against me in a fierce hug. I could feel his chest rising and falling as he breathed, I could feel his heart beating. "But think about everything, not just the last twenty-four hours. Think of the lifetime we've spent getting to know one another. There is literally no one in this world who understands me like you do. You know that sometimes I do really, really stupid stuff. I don't mean to, but I do. I say thoughtless things that I later regret. I will laugh at situations that aren't funny. I will put my foot so firmly in my mouth so often, it's a wonder I haven't taken to just eating leather. You've known this all along. But in all honesty, you make me a better person. You make it possible for me to sometimes say and do the right thing. You give me so much. And you have to admit we are so good together. And while I don't know why I'm so stupid sometimes, I do know that I love you. And I think you know that too!"
"I do," he said slowly. His hands moved slowly up and down my back, catching slightly in the crystal beads. He sighed softly. "I've never doubted that you loved me."
"And I know you love me," I said holding him tightly.
"I do," he agreed.
"Then why wait?" I asked. "So, we had a fight? We'll have more. We can't give up every time we fight. We can't call it all off cause we were mean to one another. Tay, even your parents fight."
"I know that," he said. He pushed on my shoulders so he could look into my face. His eyes traveled back and forth across my face, almost as if he were memorizing the way I looked at that moment. "You are extraordinary."
"I am?" I asked wondering where this was going.
"Yes, you're so flawed and yet, so perfect." He said his fingers tracing my hairline. "You make no sense and yet, every word you say has a ring of truth to it. And just when I think I can't love you more... You make me wonder how much one person can love?"
"So, let's go get married." I said standing back up.
"But…" he hesitated, but it was very half-hearted. I had won him over, but there were still small niggling doubts deep, deep down.
"As the song says: It's now or never!" I said grabbing his hands, trying to pull him upright.
"I have sweaty pits and I stink!" He protested, before standing up.
"You're fine!" I said releasing his hands and rummaging around for the pot of lipstick Tobey had mixed for me and of course, my driver's license. It was probably a good idea that I have proof of identity with me. I found myself wishing I had a copy of my birth certificate, passport and social security card. I probably didn't need any of that, but I didn't want anything to postpone my goal. "Here, put these in your pocket."
"Cleo, I really, really don't smell good." He said sniffing himself and pulling a face as he slid my ID and lipstick into his pocket. "I mean it's pretty rank."
"Tay, come here," I said hooking my fingers through his belt loops and pulling him towards me. When he was close enough, I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled up to him, my face buried in the crook of his neck. I took a long breath, reveling in the scent that is so singular to him. He smelled like he had just stepped offstage. "You smell sexy."
"I do?" He asked his long fingers sliding up my arm. At his touch, goose bumps sprang to life all over my body. His touch was enough to send thrills and chills up and down my spine.
"Yes, have you ever heard of pheromones?" He nodded as I snuggled up against him moving towards the door. "And as much as I'd love to continue on in this vein… Don't we have a reservation at a chapel?"
"Yeah," he said leaning in to kiss me. I met his lips briefly, allowing the barest connection as I backed towards the door.
"Tay, we need to hurry and get married so I can get out of this dress and into your skin." I breathed.
"Getting married can wait, the chapel is open twenty-four hours." He said grabbing at me.
"If you knew what it took to get me in this dress, you wouldn't say that." I answered smiling as my back connected with the door.
"Really?" He asked disappointed.
"Really, really," I said reaching out and tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear.
"Well, there is a limo waiting."
"Let's not keep it waiting any longer." I said as I reached behind me and pulled the door open. I hurried down the hall towards the elevator. I would have sprinted, but my shoes were too high so I settled for shuffling along the hallway. I hit the down button as long arms wrapped around me from behind. I turned to face him; his eyes glowed pulling me in with their power. "What?"
"I don't think I've told you yet how beautiful you are," he said as his lips connected with mine for real.
Now, kisses come in many varieties, sweet and gentle, deep and soulful, flirty and playful, even chaste and comforting. All of them are wonderful in their own way. Each kiss is special, but rarely are they memorable. But this kiss, this connection of teeth and lips and tongues and souls will forever live as the moment that I knew. The moment I truly understood how true my words were. Without Taylor I couldn't go on. What would be the point? What motivation would I have to continue on? In that single moment he took my breath away and taught me how to breathe. He stopped my heart and sent it racing. He turned my world upside down and made everything right. My toes curled as the kiss went deeper and deeper and deeper. This one kiss gave me forever.
I felt the doors open behind me. We tumbled into the marble and mirror box, only breaking our kiss long enough to hit the lobby button. I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach, but I didn't know for sure if it was the elevator dropping or just the continuation of the kiss.
"Remember the elevator in Mobile?" Taylor breathed into my ear. "Want to consummate this one?"
Just as he was about to hit the stop button on the elevator, it rumbled to a standstill drawing Taylor up and away from me. A man and a woman in their late sixties entered the elevator. They were both dressed from head to toe in white and red. The amount of red and white gingham in her full skirt was truly impressive. Her skirt formed a sort of ledge. Its color matched exactly the shirt her companion was wearing with his cowboy hat and red neckerchief. Their clothes could only mean one thing: Squaredance. They both sported nametags that proclaimed them proud members of the Kentucky chapter of the Squaredancers Association of America. Wilma and Irv nodded a greeting.
"Honey, you've got something red on your nose," Wilma said to Taylor. He turned toward me and sure enough, he had several smudges or red all around his mouth, including the tip of his nose.
"Oh, thanks," he said pulling a face at me as he wiped it off.
"Tay, you've got it on your teeth too," I said laughing at him as I turned to the mirror on the wall and checked my own lipstick. I quickly rubbed my teeth. It had been an amazing, if messy, kiss.
"Why you're awful dressed up young lady," Irv said smiling at me. "Are you in some sort of pageant?"
"No," I said shaking my head, smiling as Taylor's fingers grasped mine.
"On your way to a show?" Wilma asked as she straightened Irv's neckerchief. "Wayne Newton maybe?"
"Umm... We're on our way somewhere..." Taylor began.
I watched as both sets of eyes widened. I could see them taking us in. I really was dressed to the hilt and Taylor was a lot more than just a little disheveled. I also saw the light bulb go off over Irv's head. I could read the word "prostitute" reflected back at me in both his eyes. His eyes narrowed and he pulled Wilma in close and away from Taylor and me. "Oh... I see."
"See what?" Taylor asked.
"Well, umm..." Irv began, turning a red that rivaled his neckerchief. "I just have never seen... Well, you know."
"It's nothing like that!" I protested. "I'm not a working girl."
"Oh no," Taylor said shaking his head, having a hard time even talking through his laughter. "Cleo and I are on our way to get married."
"Well, now, forgive my skepticism," Irv began. "But really, can you blame me? She looks like a princess on the way to a ball and you look like a bum."
"See!" Taylor said. I hated how justified he sounded. "I told you I needed to shower and change... My tux is up in the room."
"No, you are perfect." I protested taking his face in my hands. "You look exactly how I love you."
"And how is that?" Taylor asked taking my hands in his.
"Like you just came offstage," I whispered as he kissed my hand.
"Honey," Wilma said shaking her head. "I wouldn't marry this boy unless he gives you a proper ring."
"Oh, I forgot!" Taylor exclaimed digging in the pocket of his very hammered jeans as the elevator jolted to a stop. He dropped to one knee as the doors slid soundlessly open. "Cleo January Burton, would you do me the great honor of marrying me?"
"Of course," I said as he slid the ring onto my finger, back where it belonged. I leaned forward to kiss him as applause broke out. I looked up and noticed we had an audience. Standing in the lobby in front of the open door were about thirty men and women dressed startlingly similar to Irv and Wilma. The crowd stood resplendent in yards of gingham, full petticoats, neckerchiefs and cowboy hats. I watched as they clapped, whistled and stomped their feet. "Ummm, hi?" I said shyly. I seriously wanted to crawl into a hole.
Taylor, on the other hand, was every inch the rockstar at that moment even though not one of the people had any clue who he really was. He was in the moment, shaking hands, making corny jokes. He had such a firm grip on my hand there was no escaping. He was pulling me through the crowd with him; but instead of mean girls and snide remarks, I was getting hugs and congratulations. Now this was a reaction I could handle.
"Honey, that was the sweetest moment I've ever witnessed." Wilma said hugging me. She had tears standing in her eyes.
"Son, I have to say you're doing the right thing," Irv said slapping Taylor on the back. "You go and make an honest woman out of this angel!"
"Yes sir!" Taylor said shaking his head and laughing. "Irv, how long have you and the lovely Wilma been married?"
"Almost fifty years!" Irv proclaimed proudly. His smile and the light in his eyes when he looked at Wilma were truly inspiring. I could tell how much he loved her and I wanted Taylor to look at me with that much love and adoration in fifty years. "I'll tell anyone who'll listen that the first twenty-one years of my life were just me trying to become a good enough man for her."
"Oh Irvin!" Wilma said ducking her head and blushing furiously. I could see in her eyes that she loved him just as much today as the day of their wedding. "The things you say, honestly."
"Well, I pray that Cleo and I can be as happy as you." Taylor said kissing my hand. "And that we can come back here and celebrate our fiftieth anniversary."
"We'll see you then!" Irv said hugging me.
"Oh honey, let me give you one last hug!" Wilma said grabbing my shoulders and pulling me into a very tight hug. I hugged her back with my one free arm since Taylor had no intention of letting go of my other hand. I wanted to tell him I wasn't going anywhere without him. "Good luck and congratulations."
"Thank you," I called as Taylor pulled me out the door. He stopped next to an enormous Hummer limousine. He turned towards me and twirled one of the sweeping tendrils of my hair around his finger. I watched as he let the hair unwind gently from around his finger. When his eyes met mine, I felt a flutter in my stomach, almost like I had just been pushed off the edge of something high. He smiled as he ran a finger across my eyebrow and down my cheek. The driver cleared his throat behind me. "Oh sorry."
"No worries," the driver said helping me up into the massive Hummer. "Where are we headed? Airport or what?"
"We're sticking to the original plan," Taylor said as he settled into the seat next to mine.
"So, everything's ready to go?" The driver asked winking at Taylor. Taylor gave a quick, tight nod. I began to wonder what was going on, but then I thought it might not be the best thing to get Taylor thinking about anything other than this wedding.
As the door closed, I leaned forward and placed my lips over his, capturing them. Another memorable kiss followed. I pulled away and smiled at him. "Wow."
"I'll give you a lifetime of wow," I said leaning back over him.
"Yeah," Taylor said quietly. I watched as his face seemed to unhinge the slightest bit. "We're getting married..."
"I know," I mumbled. The sag of his face scared me, was he about to change his mind? Again?
"Cleo, we could always w..." he began. I hurriedly kissed him again stopping the words I knew were coming.
"There is nothing I would rather do on this May afternoon." I said resting my head on his shoulder. "Anyway, May 19th is a much better anniversary date than December 25th."
"You think?"
"I know."
"Going to the chapel..." He sang softly taking my hand and lacing his fingers through mine.
"...and we're going to get married." I sang in my truly horrible voice. We both sighed in unison. This car ride really was going to culminate in something I had never dreamed of, but was so glad it was happening. Sure, I had an engagement ring and vague someday plans for a wedding. But these plans were only parts of the distant future and had very, very little to do with my current reality. I felt him sigh again as he rocked my hand back and forth. "Why would anyone name a group the Dixie Cups?"
"What?" He asked.
"The girl group that sang that song was called the Dixie Cups," I said shrugging. “You knew that!”
“Well yeah, but it’s just… Cleo your knowledge of the bizarre and useless is still astounding." He said as we fell into a comfortable silence. My mind wandered back to the days when all of the boys would sit and ask me one question after another from the Trivial Pursuit game. In fact, when we played Trivial Pursuit, it was usually me against all of them. And I generally won. Taylor's mind must have gone down the same road. "I can't believe that Thad's not going to be here..."
"I know," I sighed. I closed my eyes as I imagined all of us sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace at the Hanson's house on 78th street. I could practically hear Thad laughing maniacally as he found a question he was sure I would never be able to answer. Then throwing a major fit when I knew any number of obscure facts he was sure I couldn't know.
I had meant it when I told Diana that I didn't have a dream wedding all planned out in my head. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever thought I'd even get married, let alone to Taylor Hanson. So, somehow running off to Las Vegas felt so appropriate. Thad and I had taken an oath once as kids that neither one of us would ever fall in love nor would we ever have sex. In fact, the very thought of it was pretty much repugnant to us; we were going to live our entire lives with each other. No outsiders, no one would come between us.
I knew he had broken our oath long before his death. Once we had hit about fourteen, girls had been the major focus of his every waking hour. It had never been much of a secret that he was a total ladies man. The church had been standing room only at his funeral. The girls had all wanted to date him. In fact, I sometimes thought that maybe he had managed to "get with" every person I met. For a long time after he had died, people felt it necessary to tell me all the things they had done with him. In fact, Marci had his initials tattooed in a broken heart on her hip. And I had long known that the two of them had been something more than friends, no matter how badly I didn't want it to be true.
And despite his popularity with the ladies, every guy that met him liked him. He had been a man's man. He was the best at every sport, except for soccer. He knew more dirty jokes than anyone else. He had a totally comfortable air about him that made everyone want to be his friend. But his circle of friends had been small and tight and highly exclusive. "Man," I sighed willing myself not to be sad. "I'll bet he's laughing at us..."
"Why?" Taylor asked.
"Cause this was never going to happen to me." I stated simply. I felt him stiffen slightly. I wasn't going to give him a chance for his hesitation to return.
"Cleo, maybe..." he started haltingly. I reached out and grabbed the front of his shirt pulling him onto me, wrapping my leg around him, kissing him as if my very being depended on it. At this time, I was pretty sure I knew what words were coming next and I was not prepared to hear them. I was totally not willing to wait. He was not getting any more time to think about this. We were getting married, now. Besides, I did not want to have to plan a wedding. So, this was killing all sorts of birds with just one big stone. The limo made a sharp turn and pulled us apart. "Are you trying to distract me?"
"Shh... No talking!" I said pulling him against me again. He struggled for a split second before just giving in to my urging. His long fingers connected with the smooth skin of my thighs. He slowly moved his fingers up and down moving higher and higher with each pass. Soon, his fingertips were grazing the blue satin of my panties. "Tay, don't start something you aren't prepared to finish."
"I'm prepared..." he growled as he bit my neck.
"No, we have to get married first," I whispered. My words catching in my throat as one of his fingers found their way inside the slick satin.
"That can wait," he answered as the car began to slow before turning. "I just want to see you, see your body..."
"But, we're here... Somewhere," I said pushing against his shoulder. "And when we get back to the hotel, you can strip me naked with your teeth."
"Is that a promise?" Taylor asked sitting back up. He cocked one eyebrow at me, his expectations playing plainly across his face.
"I wouldn't want anything less," I said climbing out of the Hummer. We were parked in front of a fairly bland, utilitarian building. Nothing outstanding or spectacular about it. Not the romantic spot I was envisioning. But then again, it wasn't the building that I was marrying. I carefully straightened my dress watching the rainbows shattering against the side of the car. Suddenly, a thought occurred to me; even here in Las Vegas I'm pretty sure we'd need a license to get married. I felt the all too familiar nausea returning with the thought that something could go wrong at this time. "Don't we need a license?"
"I guess," Taylor said shrugging as we walked up the path towards the glass front doors.
"Well, shouldn't we go get one?" I asked smiling.
"I thought you were in a huge hurry to get married?" Taylor asked stopping. He looked down at me and raised his eyebrow.
"Well, I want to get married..." I began wondering why there was laughter in his eyes.
"So, then, let's get married." He said grabbing my hand again.
"Tay..." I said shaking my head.
"Don't worry, I've already dealt with that..."
"How? I haven't signed anything!" I protested.
"Cleo, you talk too much!" Taylor said his hand on the door handle. "Just hush and trust me."
"But..." I began thinking of a whole new line of questioning.
"Cleo, let's just say that there are many things in this town you can still get if you have enough money." Taylor said cryptically winking at me. I hated that he had the upper hand on this. I also hated not knowing exactly what was going on. He kissed my forehead as he pulled the doors open.
"It will still be legal?" I asked as the cool air came whooshing through the front door.
"Probably," he said walking up to the main desk. He reached into his pocket, pulling out a piece of paper.
"How can I help you?" A very efficient looking secretary said smiling.
"Yes, we're here to get a marriage license." Taylor said giving me a sly look out of the corner of his eye.
"Of course." She said. She accepted the offered paperwork. She was pretty in a vaguely old fashioned way. Not quite as old as Ruby and her sisters, she still had a faded look. I gave Taylor a hard look as she quickly typed all the information off of the sheet into her computer. He was trying hard not to laugh at me. "It looks like all the information is here, but I will still need some identification for both of you."
"Of course," Taylor said reaching into his pocket and retrieving his wallet and my drivers' license.
"Thank you," she said taking them and scanning them into her computer.
"You know, I thought there would be a line." Taylor commented to the empty room, again playing the part of the rockstar. He was so charming and found it so easy to chat with anyone, put anyone at ease. I envied him. "The website said to expect one."
"People are still sober this early in the day," she said chuckling with Taylor. I noticed a Clark County Marriage License Division sign hanging behind her. "We don't get the long lines until later."
"Priceless," Taylor said laughing.
"This should only take a few minutes." She said before turning and shuffling through the unbelievable amount of paperwork on her desk. She grabbed a pile of file folders and quickly thumbed through them removing two or three sheets from each. Taylor and I stood there holding hands as she quickly fed the sheets into her printer and began typing at lightning speed. She was humming merrily as she clipped papers together. She stood and walked through a doorway just behind her desk, returning with some paper that looked official. She fed the paper into a huge printer that began to hum loudly. Finally, she sat down and smiled at us. "Alright, I need you to sign here, here, here and here." She said putting several pages on the desk in front of us. On each sheet, there were sticky notes with arrows telling us to "sign here."
"Okay," we both intoned. Taylor took the pen and hesitated momentarily before he started signing Jordan Taylor Hanson. Taylor signed the last form, then turned to me offering me a small, tight smile. This was getting very close to being real. I took the pen he offered me and quickly scrawled my name in the four places she had indicated.
"Alright, everything is in order. I just need to get your signatures on the license. Mr. Hanson, please sign right here." She said placing a piece of parchment paper in front of us and pointed at the line he should sign on with unbelievably long nails. Taylor took the fountain pen she offered. He signed with a flourish. This was a true signature, not just a quickly scribbled autograph. Blowing gently on the wet ink, he handed the pen to me. "Now, Ms. Burton, if you could just sign right here."
I took the pen and looked at the words on the license. They didn't make a lot of sense since my brain had magically clicked off about .005 seconds after Taylor had signed his swirling signature. I recognized that the squiggles and lines had to have some sort of meaning, but it was lost on me. I looked at the line under her nail to see my name. I set the pen on the thick linen paper and signed, "Cleo January Burton." She grabbed the paper off the counter, affixed a gold seal to it before pressing it with a Notary stamp. "Alright, here you are. You can now legally get married in the State of Nevada."
"Thanks," Taylor said quietly accepting the folder full of papers. He took my hand as a couple came tumbling through the doorway, all tousled and passionate. They embraced quickly before heading towards the desk, enveloping us in a vapor trail of liquor and pheromones. They giggled wildly as they began the same process we had just gone through. They whispered secrets into one another's ears, hands traveling the length and breadth of the others body. They seemed so sure of what they were doing, so secure in their choice. For them there were no big eyes and scared smiles, only passionate kisses and laughter. I found myself strangely jealous of their happiness, their freedom. "We'd better go."
"Okay," I agreed following him out the door. The heat of the day was completely overwhelming. I felt my nausea returning full force. "I don't feel so great..."
"Hangover?" Taylor asked as we walked towards the waiting car.
"Yeah, that's it." I said smiling. But that wasn't it at all. I wanted this. I wanted to be married to Taylor with all of my heart. But to be married, I had to get married and that idea just terrified me. How could I want something as badly as I wanted this and yet be so terrified of what it meant?
"Good," Taylor said as we settled back against the leather seats. The ride from the marriage license division to the chapel was very, very quiet. Taylor was compulsively clenching then releasing my fingers. His hand was exceptionally cold. "I love you."
"I love you too," I said feeling my heart clench. I closed my eyes trying desperately to slow my racing heart. I needed to just not worry so much. I wouldn't become my mother once I was married, which honestly was my main concern. I knew this was right and yet, I was so terrified. I had made a great case when I was convincing Taylor, but now I was wondering if we really were doing the right thing. But if I gave Taylor any indication that I was having any sort of second thoughts, this wedding wouldn't happen. It was right and I wanted it, but I was also nervous. Nervous and nauseated.
Suddenly, it occurred to me what I felt like. I felt like I had in the car on the way to the state final soccer game. I had known if I played the game I was capable of, no one could touch me. But there were so many factors involved with being at the top of my game. I needed to warm up properly. The tape job my dad did on my right ankle needed to hold up. The field needed to not be too slippery. I needed to be able to get the feel of the ball right away. So many factors from the temperature and humidity of the day to the sound of the crowd were also involved. If when I got to the field and all these factors were just the way I like them, I would be unstoppable. I would kick the winning goal.
"What are you thinking?" Taylor asked. I cracked one of my eyes and looked at Taylor's earnest face. He had a look of concern on his face.
"I was thinking about my last soccer game for Hill Haven." I said smiling softly.
"Soccer?" He asked raising his eyebrows at me. "We're on our way to get married and you're thinking about soccer?"
"Yeah, I feel like this is the moment, that moment when everyone expects so much from me and I am a twisted ankle away from letting them all down." I said realizing how stupid my words sounded as they came out. Taylor threw his head back and laughed. "What's so funny?"
"Cause I was just sitting here thinking about how I felt like I was on my way to a show with the very beginning of a sore throat." Taylor said cupping my cheek with his hand. "Sometimes on the way to a show, I sit there thinking "what if I can't hit the high notes tonight?" I have moments of panic where I just know that I won't remember how to play any of the songs. Songs that I wrote! I get knots in my stomach worrying that I'm about to let several thousand people down."
"I never knew that," I said as the limo began to slow.
"And right now, I feel like I could let the most important person in my life down." Taylor said as the limo stopped.
"Not possible," I answered as the driver jumped from the car and swept the door open for us. "You've never let me down before and I can't imagine you'd start now."
"I won’t," Taylor said giving me one last kiss before climbing out of the limo.
I stepped out and before me was the quaint little white chapel I had imagined. The arched doors shared a lovely, red stained glass window in the shape of a heart. They strangely reminded me of those necklaces you could get when you were younger. The ones that said "best" on one side and "friends" on the other. When you and your friend got together, they fit like a puzzle, completing the heart. I took a deep shuddering breath as I walked up the short path leading to the front doors surrounded by a magnificent rose garden and the strains of Mendelssohn's Wedding March. Taylor pulled one side of the door open breaking the stained glass heart.
We stepped into the building. After the heat and bright of the Las Vegas day, it felt heavenly to be enclosed in the cool of the vestibule, I sighed. Taylor kissed me softly on the cheek. "Dang, how is it possible that you get prettier by the minute?"
"Shut up," I said blushing. "You sound like some truly bad romance novel."
"You make me feel like a romance novel." He joked grabbing me and dipping me back. He raised his eyebrow seductively and shook his mane of blonde hair back from his face. "I want to take you and ravage..."
"I may throw up," I said pretending like I was retching.
"Hello?" a voice called from inside the lobby.
"Hello," Taylor answered setting me back on my feet.
"Are you the Burton/Hanson party?" A young woman asked brightly.
"Yes," Taylor said smiling at me. "We are Burton and Hanson..."
"Great!" She said standing up. She was monumentally pregnant. I mean, like about to pop at any moment pregnant. "Do you have your license?"
"Of course," Taylor said handing her the folder of papers.
"Fantastic." She began typing the information into her own computer system humming a song I almost recognized. "Do you have your ID's?"
"Oh, yeah," Taylor said reaching into his pockets one more time.
"Ms. Burton, why don't you come around here and pick out a bouquet?" She said smiling beatifically at me. Such a huge and sincere smile just had to be practiced. I stepped around the desk as Taylor was messing around with his wallet. My heart dropped as I noticed she had pictures of Isaac, Taylor and Zac basically papering the underside of her desk and the internet open. I grabbed the first bouquet my hand closed on. This wedding would spread worldwide before I even said "I do."
"Tay, can I have my lipstick, I think I need to freshen up."
"Of course," he said fishing that out.
"Thanks," I said rushing back to the ladies room. I just wanted this to be mine and Taylor's secret, even if only for one day. I wanted one day as Mrs. Hanson, before people began posting hideous things about me. I sighed just imagining the bile and vitriol they were going to spew my way once all of this became public.
There was a faction of fans whose hatred of me was already virulent and relentless. I had always known no matter what I did, Emory would be beloved and I would be reviled. I was about to become Yoko. No matter how happy and in love Taylor and I were, no one would ever believe it. I silently thanked God I wasn't pregnant or the motives for our quick wedding would be questioned forever.
And while I knew I shouldn't even consider what anyone else thought, there were just a choice few who would try to make my life a living hell. They were always saying horrid things and spreading hideous lies. Taylor would say I was being silly, that what anyone, especially those fans, thought didn't mean a thing. I knew he was right. I was the woman standing in a restroom about to marry the Taylor Hanson, not them.
This single thought did more in helping compose myself than anything else I could have done. I didn't want Taylor to even suspect that I'd had any doubts at all. And really, I didn't. I reapplied my lipstick. I would be Mrs. Taylor Hanson in just a few minutes! The smile on my face had never been so real. I smoothed my dress again and noticed that there was a twinkle in my eye that matched the crystals on my dress.
"Unfortunately, since you weren't here yet, Father Minert took the next couple back. I'm so sorry." The young secretary was saying as I stepped back up next to Taylor.
"That's understandable," Taylor said sliding his arm around me. "Cleo, you'll never guess..."
"What?" I asked brightly. Let her tell who she wanted, I would soon have the prize they all wanted. Taylor would come home to me every night. He loved me and not them.
"Tara was at the show we did here last August!" Taylor said. "She said that you even gave her a meet and greet."
"But I didn't look like this," she said smoothing her hand over the lump in her lap.
"Wow, that's awesome." I said squeezing him back.
"Yeah, it was such a great night for me." Tara said rubbing her belly in that way most pregnant women do. I was pretty sure she wasn't even aware she was doing it. "The greatest next to the day I got married."
"I think I get that," I said my hands itching to reach out and rub her tummy too.
"Can I ask you a favor?" Taylor asked.
"Oh, you know what, don't worry," Tara began, "I would never, ever tell anyone about this."
"How did you know that was what I was going to ask?" Taylor asked his jaw hanging open.
"I wouldn't have kept this job for as long as I have if I couldn't keep my mouth shut!" Tara said laughing. "Cleo, do you really want that bouquet?"
"Umm..." I looked at the flowers I was clutching. They were beautiful, but the pale, peach roses just seemed to clash with my deep, blue dress.
"Here, these are much better," Tara said handing me a bouquet of rich, red roses. As she stood I noticed the way her belly moved.
"They are much better," I agreed fascinated by the fact that pretty soon another life would be coming out of her. Almost without my knowledge, my hand reached out and touched her undulating belly. What a strange sensation to feel this little vital life moving against my hand with only the barest stretch of skin between us. "Are you having a boy or a girl?"
"A girl," she said her warm hand over mine. "Her name is Claire."
"Hello Claire," I said feeling suddenly foolish for talking to this stranger’s belly. "I'm sorry, that's so personal."
"No worries," Tara said. "You wouldn't believe what people feel comfortable doing to pregnant women."
"She'll find out one day," Taylor said laughing.
"You want me to do that?" I asked my eyes huge.
"Of course!" Taylor exclaimed. "I want at least four or five kids."
"Four or five?" I asked my hands going to my own flat belly.
"Well, yeah," Taylor explained. "Two is just too few and well, three can be bad cause they can gang up..."
"You know what, we'll negotiate later." I said realizing that beyond no dream wedding, I had never really contemplated becoming a mother. "That eventuality is down the road. Way down the road."
"We'll see," Taylor said giving me a knowing smile.
"Unless you're carrying it," I said standing back and looking him up and down. "And you don't have childbearing hips."
"You two are funny!" Tara said going behind the desk and sitting again. "You're going to be so happy. I've developed an almost uncanny ability for predicting which couples will work and I get those vibes from you. Besides, it's common knowledge that pregnant women are psychic."
"That is so good to hear," Taylor answered kissing the back of my hand.
"I predict nothing but the best," she said sighing as she settled back. "It really should only be a few more minutes if you want to have a seat."
We dutifully turned and sat next to each other, holding hands and saying nothing. We were both lost in our thoughts. It had always been so easy for us to find something, anything to talk about. But sometimes moments like this were better. These moments when we were lost in the silence just enjoying each other. I laid my head on his shoulder and just knew that there was nowhere else I'd ever be. My head would never rest on another shoulder.
The doors to the chapel were thrown open and a beaming couple and their small wedding party came tumbling out to fanfare followed by a young man wearing a clergyman's collar. He shook the hands of the newly married couple and the people that surrounded them. He laughed and smiled as they chatted, quickly signing his name on their marriage license. He bent over next to Tara and was talking quietly with her. As they were talking, his hand was gently kneading the small of her back. He was reading the information on our forms as she talked softly to him. He gave her a quick kiss before standing and smiling at us. His smile was as large and without guile as Tara's.
"Hello Taylor and Cleo!" He exclaimed as he walked towards us. He heartily shook Taylor's hand, grasping it in both of his. "I'm Reverend Timothy Minert."
"Hello," we both mumbled quietly.
"Well, we should be ready to roll in just a few. Marcus, the photographer is resetting his cameras. The housekeeping crew is getting the chapel cleaned up. And of course, Will needs to reload the video camera. Gotta save this for posterity." He pulled up a chair and sat facing us. "Now this is the counseling portion of the ceremony."
"Okay," we both said in unison. For some strange reason, I felt like I was eleven again. Taylor and I were sitting in Reverend Bryson’s office being told how naughty it was to put the frog in the organists box.
"My counsel is this: Love each other." He said placing his hands over out clasped hands. "Remember that no matter how much you may not like each other one day, you loved each other enough today to make this commitment. Your rings will be a promise to one another to love, cherish and respect for always."
"A ring, I don't have a ring!" I exclaimed.
"Don't worry," Taylor said reaching into his pocket. "I got one when I bought your rings."
"You did?"
"Yeah, it matches yours," He said setting the ring in my hand. It was a lovely platinum band with several small, square diamonds set in it.
"Well, great, the ring issue is solved!" Reverend Minert said clapping his hands as he stood up. "It will be maybe five more minutes. I suggest you spend that time thinking about what you want to say to one another. And relax. Remember this is supposed to be fun."
As he disappeared back into the chapel, I rolled Taylor's ring around in my hand. I loved the heft of it. It was warm from being in his pocket, resting against his leg. What was I going to say to Taylor? What more could I say to define my love for him? How much more sincere did I need to be?
I would just tell him the truth.
But what was the truth really? Do I admit that I'm terrified? That I have little or no clue what being a good wife means? Do I confess that I know that I'm not good enough for Taylor? That he is an angel come to Earth and I’m just not? Do I admit that the very idea of forever sent my blood running cold? That I’m not even sure what next month entailed, let alone forever? Should I invite the specter of my mother and promise to never get that bad? This I knew I could promise.
The door opened to the chapel again and Revered Minert was standing there motioning for us to join him. "Okay, now... Taylor you will come up front with me. Cleo you will wait until you hear the music begin and then you will walk in towards us, alright?"
"Okay," I agreed before realizing I wasn't sure what he just asked me. I watched as Reverend Minert walked to the front of the small chapel. About 20 steps away and yet an entire world away.
"Are you ready for this?" Taylor whispered in my ear, before giving me a final kiss. “You know, next time I kiss you… You will be my wife?”
I just nodded because I wasn’t even sure I could talk. My heart felt overwhelmed by the amount of love pouring into it. I smiled watching him wander away from me, his baggy jeans hanging low, his shirt still damp in the middle of his back. He stopped next to Reverend Minert and said something that made him laugh. He looked up and nodded. Suddenly, the room was flooded with the familiar strains of The Wedding March.
As I started down the aisle, I was surprised I was upright still because my knees were shaking so badly. Suddenly, fluttering, white petals surrounded me. I looked around and realized this was so real. I stepped up next to Taylor and smiled at him.
"Welcome," Tim said as Taylor grabbed my hand. "Cleo and Taylor, you are here to be joined in the holy state of matrimony." He smiled at the two of us. I could feel Taylor shaking next to me and I was glad to know I wasn’t the only one who was nervous. He was pale, but his smile was real. Smiling through the tears... "Is there anything you would like to say to one another before we proceed? Taylor?"
"Cleo, there was darkness for a long time and then there was light. That light was you." Taylor said the tears beginning to stream down his face. His hand was cold and clammy, but the grip was firm. "Your love has... has given me wings. It is with you that I am at my best. Someone once said that life is a solitary journey because only you can get to where you’re going. But that just isn’t true. If you share a vision and a single purpose, you will arrive at your destination together. The amazing thing is to think of where the journey will take us. Beginning today, we will walk together forever."
"Cleo, anything you would like to say?" He said smiling. He seemed so happy and at peace, I suppose he really only saw the best part of married life. The brand new and shiny part.
"If I had ever had this dream, a dream of being married, it would be this moment. Taylor, you were a dream I didn’t even know enough to have." I said somehow. I wasn’t sure how I was talking through the emotion that was choking me. Every time I met Taylor’s eyes, a tiny sob would escape. Taylor smiled through his tears. "But recently, I realized just how lucky I am to have someone as wonderful as you love me the way you do. You are the waking dream, the dream that is so much better than anything I would have wished for. You've made me realize that perhaps I always needed this dream. And as cheesy as it sounds, you really do complete me."
"Thank you," the minister intoned. "Now Taylor, please repeat after me: I, Jordan Taylor pledge to be your husband from this day forward. Let us make of our two lives one life. I want you for today, tomorrow, and forever."
"I, Jordan Taylor," Taylor began. He stopped trying to compose himself. "I pledge to be your husband from this day forward. Let us make of our two lives one life. I want you for today, tomorrow, and forever."
"Now Cleo," the minister said turning towards me. "If you could repeat after me: I, Cleo January give myself to you as your wife, and I promise here to treasure for all of my days the love we celebrate today. Let us bring together our lives and find ourselves anew each day."
“I, Cleo January,” I began fighting the tears. I took a big breath trying to calm my shaking hands. If I was so sure this was the right thing to do, why was I shaking so badly? "Give myself to you as your wife, and I promise here to treasure for all of my days the love we celebrate today. Let us bring together our lives and find ourselves anew each day."
"Taylor, will you take Cleo as your wife, in happiness and with patience and understanding, through conflict and tranquility?"
"I will." Taylor said his chin quivering as he placed the beautiful diamond band on my finger. I had loved my engagement ring, but the gorgeous white gold and diamond band made it sparkle even brighter.
"Cleo, will you take Taylor as your husband, in happiness and with patience and understanding, through conflict and tranquility?"
"I will." I said sliding the simple white gold band onto his finger. The tear that had been hanging onto my eyelashes finally broke free splashing on the back of his hand. When I had slid it all the way on, I lifted his hand and kissed it. "I love you."
"In the coming years, I hope that your love shall be ever young; that you shall be able to always recover from moments of despair. In this hope, may you keep the vows made on this day, in freedom, teaching each other who you are, what you yet shall be, enabling you to know that, in the fullness of being, you are more than simply individuals. You are now a family and together you share joyously the fruits of life on this earth."
"Inasmuch as you have both declared your love to one another, I now greet you as husband and wife." He paused watching both of crying. He reached out and put his hand over both of ours. "You may kiss."
Taylor gently placed his lips against mine. He crushed me in a fierce hug. Placing his lips against my ear, he whispered. "Hey, Mrs. Hanson."
"Hey, Mr. Hanson," I whispered back.
"Cleo, you've spent all your life running away," Taylor said pulling me tightly against his chest, "and I've finally caught you."