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China
China all the way to New York Sometimes I think you want me to touch you China decorates our table China all the way to New York Sometimes I think you want me to touch you |
I lay on the seat of Zac's truck, my head resting in his lap. I was feeling profoundly not good. I was weak and nauseated. I honestly thought that death was better than continuing like this. I moaned each time Zac turned.
"That's it," Zac said irritated. "I'm stopping somewhere and getting you food."
"Okay," I answered. I was powerfully sick. But, even more powerfully hungry. Maybe the old-wives tale about getting food in an empty stomach might just be true. In fact, I was praying that it was.
"How about Taco Bueno?" He asked smoothing my hair down. I nodded my head and instantly regretted it. We drove along in silence, my stomach lurching uncomfortably with each turn of the car. The car dipped severely before it rolled to a stop. "Let me guess: A bean burrito with..."
"No!" I said sitting up. We were waiting in line for the drive up. "I just want some tortillas and a coke."
"Okay," he said as I lay back down. He smoothed my hair down over my shoulder. "Cleo, you are so funny."
"Funny?" I asked glad that we were no longer moving. I longed to be in my bed, a place that was supremely still and completely quiet.
"Yeah, you and Taylor are funny."
"Why do you say that?" I asked without thinking. I didn't want to know the answer, but the question popped out before I could stop it.
"Because, both of you are horrifically miserable, guilt ridden, puking your guts, idiots." He said as the car lurched forward. "It was so pathetic seeing him kneeling in the parking lot, alternately vomiting and sobbing."
"Tay was sick?" I asked concerned. I hated to hear about my baby kneeling at the side of the parking lot throwing up.
"Well, you didn't drink as much as he did and you know how that turned out. Both of you idiots drank on totally empty stomachs; you can't do that without some sort of repercussion. Even I know that." Zac said rolling the window down. The cool evening breeze felt refreshing. "Sometimes, I think both of you are just... challenged... mentally. Drinking on an empty stomach..."
"I didn't drink that much," I protested, every word causing new and exciting pains in my head.
"It doesn't take much if you haven't eaten," Zac mumbled disgusted. I could tell that he was just about done with us. "And really, I think you need to stop and consider what you said tonight. Did you really just mean to break up with Taylor?"
"No, I didn't," I whispered.
"Well, he's pretty sure you did." Zac said sighing. "I swear the two of you are such mysteries to one another."
"I know him..." I protested. As Zac ordered our food, I began to think. To think long and hard about what he had just said. I was an expert in all things Taylor. I knew what made him happy and what made him sad. I could write a Master's thesis about what gave him pleasure and what irritated him to the point he was ready to snap. I could describe in detail the way he brushed his teeth and how he liked his pancakes. I could tell you exactly how he would respond to questions asked of him, requests made of him, situations he found himself in. I knew him. And I knew him so well that I understood completely that I must have just broken his heart all day long. "Oh my God..."
"What?" Zac asked as he handed me my tortillas and Coke. He pulled into a parking spot looking out onto Peoria Avenue.
"What have I done?" I asked Zac.
"I don't know," he said softly. "I really don't... He was..."
"What?" I asked looking down at the tortillas Zac had gotten me.
"He was pretty much inconsolable." Zac said taking a bite of his burrito. "At first."
"How was he when you left?" I asked sipping my Coke. It tasted so good and was so cold.
"I think that Ike had talked him off the ledge," Zac said shrugging. His words sounded so nonchalant. I don't think he knew how my heart dropped. If he was on a ledge, I put him there. I opened the window and invited him to step outside. I must have made a noise, cause Zac looked at me. "Cleo, I'm not gonna lie, he was as bad as when you left… Both times."
"Oh God," I said covering my face. I felt the tortillas slide off my lap.
"But Ike talked some sense into him," Zac said reaching down and picking the tortillas up and placing them back on my lap. "Eat, it will help."
"I need to call him… I need to tell him I'm sorry…" I said panicking.
"Cleo, his cell is dead." Zac said grabbing my hand. "Come on, eat something."
"What if he never forgives me?" I asked throwing the tortillas out the window. I felt my heart start beating too quickly, my face flush, my hands beginning to sweat. I was about to have a panic attack. "Zac, I need to get home. I need…"
"Cleo, are you okay?" He asked his face a picture of concern.
"I can't breathe…" I said leaning my forehead against the dashboard.
"Do you need me to take you to your parents…"
"No!" I snapped. "Take me to my apartment."
"Okay," he said throwing the car in reverse and pealing out of the parking lot. I felt my muscles tightening up. "Cleo, you're scaring me."
I tried to open my mouth to apologize, but nothing came out except for some wheezing. He sped along the streets hurrying towards my apartment. He pulled into the parking lot and threw the car in park. He rushed around and wrenched my door open. "Can you walk?" I nodded my head, but when my feet hit the ground, I felt myself tipping forward. "Apparently not," Zac said as he caught me. He grunted with the effort of picking me up. "I'll just carry you upstairs."
"No, I can walk," I protested my heart a fist in my chest.
"Whatever," Zac said as he started up the wooden stairs that led to mine and Emory's apartment over the Greek restaurant. He set me down on my feet and steadied me as he unlocked my apartment door. "You really are highly pathetic."
"I know," I said stumbling into my apartment.
"You'd feel much better if you ate something," Zac said following me closely to my bedroom.
"I deserve to suffer," I said as I flopped face down onto my bed.
"No, you don't…" Zac said extricating my shawl from around my shoulders and my fingers. I could feel him unzipping my dress and unbuttoning the halter.
"Yes, I do." I said rolling over.
"Well, karma's a bitch," Zac said handing me a t-shirt. He walked out of the room. He left me feeling like such a failure. Perched on the edge of my bed, I listened as he moved around my apartment with a purpose. He was obviously looking for something. Soon, I could hear the faint sounds of him talking on the phone. The words were muddy and indistinct. But I had this feeling that he was talking to Isaac just by the conspiratory sound of his voice. Slowly his voice got louder as he came down the hall. "...no, she won't eat. I know, I know... Okay, I'll see you in a bit. Just let me make sure she's asleep then I'll come home. Yeah... See ya!"
"I am so horrible…" I moaned. I wondered how things got this bad. How did getting up on the wrong side of the bed turn into breaking Taylor's heart and probably breaking up with him?
"Cleo, let's get you out of your dirty clothes..." Zac said helping me pull off my dress. He rather unceremoniously threw it on the floor. "I think that dress has seen it's last..."
"I loved that dress." I slurred allowing Zac to pull a t-shirt on over my head. "Now, it's ruined for sure."
"I'll get you a new one." He said pushing me back against the bed. "Help me get these tights off..." I pulled off my tights and threw them into the corner too. "Cleo, sit up..."
"Go away!" I said pushing him away.
"Cleo, stop being a butt." Zac said dragging me back up to sitting. "Take these."
I looked down at the pills in my hand. Xanax, the breakfast of ruined souls. I felt broken and ruined like my dress. And really, who cared? I had this uncanny knack for ruining everything. I was never leaving the house again. I was just going to stay in my bed and never go anywhere without Taylor. I flopped back and pulled the covers up over my head, the pills clutched tightly in my hand.
"Cleo, sit up," Zac ordered.
"No, go away," I said trying not to cry.
"Come on Cleo, sit up." Zac sighed. I just shook my head. "While I can often appreciate your flair for the dramatic, right now it's just annoying." I sat up. "Here's some water, take your pills."
"Okay," I quickly swallowed the pills and finished the glass of water. I was so thirsty.
"Let me get you more water," Zac said taking the glass. My strapless bra had shifted at some point during all my flailing about and was poking me. I pulled my shirt off, then I popped the bra open and dropped it to the floor. "My God, Cleo! What is it about you and sleeping naked?"
"Sorry," I said tucking the blanket up under my arms again, before taking the offered glass of water. "Thanks so much…"
"You have some bread in the kitchen, are you sure you don't want to eat?" He asked fluffing my pillows. I shook my head as I lay back down. He tucked me in before climbing over me and snuggling down in Taylor's pillow. "Okay... I'm going to stick around until you're asleep."
"Okay," I answered sighing as my body began to relax. I rolled onto my stomach and faced Zac. "Do you think I lost him forever?"
"I'm not going to lie to you," Zac said rubbing my back. "It looks pretty grim. I know if it were me..."
"Yeah," I agreed ruefully. I truly had no clue why Taylor stayed. Zac was right, if it were anyone else, they wouldn't take all of the garbage.
"But Ike says that by the time they got home he was feeling a little better." Zac said quietly, his voice a sort of singsong in my ear. "Ike said he's thinking clearer and hopefully so are you…"
"Should I call him?" I asked sleepily. The pills were making me feel so warm and sleepy.
"Ike says he's passed out on the couch with a bucket under his head, so conversation may not even be possible." Zac answered. I tried to keep my eyes open, but they just kept sliding closed. "You're so tired... Just sleep baby."
"You sounded like your mom just then," I mumbled.
"Not a bad thing," Zac said softly. "Cleo, things will work out one way or another. You and Tay are perfect for one another. I just think you both need to talk. Talk to each other about what you feel, what you think… Why this got so bad."
"Yes, talk…" I mumbled. Soon, Zac was humming quietly. The soft rumbling lulling me to sleep, I would talk to Taylor. I would make it all right. As soon as I felt better, I would talk to Taylor. We could tell each other we're sorry.
+++++
I lay as still as humanly possible, my head pounding. The thump, thump of blood behind my eyes was making me nauseated. I had already been up this morning to throw up, then fill my stomach back up with water to combat the horrific nausea. I hadn't really drunk all that much, but I was certainly very, very hungover. I closed my eyes and started to count the stars blooming on the inside of my eyelids. I felt so sick and so horrible. I felt myself drifting. I don't think I had ever had a headache so bad I could actually hear my blood pounding. Suddenly, I realized the insistent pounding was the door. I opened my eyes and instinctively reached for Taylor.
He wasn't there.
I expected him to be here, lying beside me, his too long legs (attached to ice-cold feet) twined through mine. I hated waking up by myself when I knew it would be so easy to have Taylor here with me. But last night, we were both too sick and too stupid. Honestly, I wasn't expecting him here anytime soon. Maybe not even until we got married. I sat up and threw my legs over the side of the bed, but when I tried to stand I fell to the floor, hard. My legs were fully tangled in the sheets.
Soon, the doorbell was ringing as well. I was grabbing clothing off the floor trying to find a pair of boxers or shorts to pull on. I can't believe I haven't learned my lesson about the whole naked sleeping thing. "I'm coming!" I yelled towards the front door, kicking the corner of the coffee table in the process. As I stumbled across the living room, the pain in my head spiked. I just hoped Taylor had a hangover as huge as mine. "Damn it!!" I yelled as I hopped across the room towards the door. Each hop made my brain feel like it was trying to escape out the top of my head. "Fuck, fuck, fuck..." I said as I tried to compose myself in front of the door. I reached out and pushed the chain back, unlocked the deadbolt and then grabbed the doorknob. I pulled the door open to be confronted with Taylor. "What the... Why didn't you just use your key and let yourself in?"
"Cleo, the chain was locked..."
"Whatever." I said turning and walking over to the couch and flumping back. I don't know how long I'd been asleep, but it hadn't been nearly long enough. "What are you doing here at...."? I squinted at the clock on the wall. "...7:45 in the blessed morning?"
"Come on, we've got to hurry..."
"I'm not going anywhere, I feel like shit."
"You don't look too good either." Taylor said leaning against the doorjamb.
"Oh, shut up." I said a little too loudly and immediately regretted it. "Oh god, I think I'm going to puke again." I said jumping up and running into the bathroom. I felt Taylor's cool hands on my neck as he gathered up my hair. "Go away."
"Cleo, I want to help you." He said quietly and patiently. "I'm surprised you have anything left to throw up. Zac said he had to carry you up to your room."
"Oh man," I moaned flopping back against the bathtub.
"Sorry," Taylor said as he handed me a glass of water and some Scope. "I wish there was something I could do to help..."
"I just don't feel well," I said shrugging.
"I know, but we really do have to hurry..." Taylor began.
"Hurry? Why?" I demanded my voice sharper than I meant it to be.
"Don't fight with me, we have to hurry." Taylor said plopping down onto the floor next to me.
"Taylor, until I've had way more sleep, I have NO desire to be near anyone, even you." I said. I knew I was pouting and acting sulky, but I didn't want to make things worse by having this conversation when I was grumpy. And man, I was grumpy. I don't think there would have been a right side of the bed no matter what he said or did. Besides, I was seriously hung over and not ready to have this conversation. "I know we need to talk, but can't it wait?"
"Cleo…" He began shaking his head.
"Tay let me sleep a little longer." I said turning my back to him, curling up on the cool tile floor. "Then I'm all yours."
"Cleo, come on." He said reaching down and plucking my left hand off my thigh. His hand absently went to my ring finger, circling the white line where my engagement ring had been just hours before. "Just come with me. Please don't fight with me."
"Okay, let me at least put on a bra and get my glasses." I said moving back into my room. I hurried and put on a bra and changed into actual shorts and a clean t-shirt. When I ran into the bathroom and brushed my teeth, I heard him moving around the apartment. I popped a couple of Excedrin as I walked into the living room. Taylor was standing in front of the open door, smiling, holding my Scooby Doo bag and a pair of shoes. "Are you going to tell me where we're going?"
"Not yet." Taylor said as he grabbed my hand and pulled me down to his car. I climbed into the passenger seat of his BMW and crossed my arms across my chest. Leaning my head back against the headrest, I willed my head to stop hurting.
"It's cold, I need my jacket." I said as Taylor got into the driver seat.
"No, you won't where we're going." Taylor said throwing the car in reverse and taking off down the road, weaving seamlessly through the early morning Tulsa traffic. This is an hour of the morning Taylor didn't have much experience with and yet, he was driving like someone used to this heavy traffic. Of course, he had spent a lot of the last couple of years driving in Los Angeles. "I stopped at Nordaggio's and got you a cup of coffee, I hope it's right." He said nodding toward the coffee in the cup holder in front of me.
I picked it up and took a huge whiff of the strong smelling coffee. The first sip was pure heaven. Taylor had managed to get the perfect blend of dark French roast coffee and hazelnut flavoring. I sighed reveling in the perfectly brewed coffee. Taylor absolutely knew me. He knew I would need coffee. He reached across the seats and squeezed my knee. I looked up at his face and he smiled at me. "Is the coffee good?" He asked.
"It is." I said wondering where we were going. I sipped the coffee as the familiar streets flowed by. Suddenly, it occurred to me we were headed towards the Tulsa Airport. "Where are we going?" I demanded as he pulled off at the private airport.
"Umm…. We need to be somewhere today." He said pulling up in front of the small hanger. He tossed his keys to the valet guy.
"So, are we meeting Ike and Zac?" I asked curious as he grabbed my Scooby Doo bag and his garment bag out of the backseat. "I can't imagine Ike is going anywhere outside of Tulsa just two days before his wedding…"
"They aren't coming, we're going by ourselves." Taylor said grabbing my hand and dragging me behind him.
"Tay, where are we going?" I asked suspicious.
"You'll see." He said climbing onto the private plane. "We have something we need to do before Ike gets married. It's a surprise for everyone."
"Okay." I said dubious. I didn't know if I liked what was going on, but I trusted him.
"Mr. Hanson," the pilot said as he came out of the cockpit. "We'll be leaving in about 5 minutes, flight time will be approximately 4 hours."
"Where are we going?" I asked my eyes narrowing on the pilot. He turned to me and smiled knowingly, tipping his hat before he disappeared into the cockpit. "Jordan Taylor Hanson, this is kidnapping!"
"Hmm…" He said smiling. "Perhaps it is…"
"Aren't you even a little bit hung over?" I asked disgusted at the sly smile he hadn't lost since we'd left my apartment. I felt so, so nasty. It wasn't fair that he felt fine.
"I feel great." He said smugly. "But I've eaten and you haven't. Do you want some food?"
"I hate you." I said leaning my head back against the headrest. "I hate that your aren't as sick as I am… Damn your fast metabolism."
"Well, that's too bad, cause I love you." He answered. "Would it help if I said I was sorry?"
"I love you too." I said angrily. I was angry he felt okay and I was angry he had total control of this situation. "And no, sorry won't make me feel any better!"
"Okay, I'll note that down." He said smiling that mysterious, annoying smile. "You just sleep."
"Fine," I said crossing my arms across my chest and turning my chair away from him. But, before I knew what was happening, I was asleep. I wasn't feeling stellar and the subtle rocking of the plane just put me to sleep. I was just so tired. Our fight the night before had taken a lot out of me. Taylor and I hadn't fought since that day on the phone when I told him I was leaving. We'd had small disagreements and of course, he wasn't happy with my pronouncement that sex was out until after we were married. Which of course lasted all of eighteen hours, but at one point in time I had meant it. And it had made him mad. But we had been getting along so well, until... I know I'd been completely irrational. But I had just felt so crazy and out of my head last night. I had just been crazy and lost and stupid.
Unfortunately, my sleep was restless, lots of little snippets of half dreams and seemingly overheard conversations. In my half-sleep, I could hear Taylor talking on his cell phone, talking to a random soft voice, humming under his breath. But quickly, I would find myself sinking deeply back into sleep. At one point I was coherent enough to wonder if Taylor had put something in my coffee, before I slipped once again into a seamless deep sleep.
"Miss, can I get you something? We're going to have to prepare for landing soon." A soft, feminine voice asked. I felt a hand touching me softly on the shoulder. I dragged my eyes open and looked into the earnest face of the flight attendant. Her blue eyes were so wide I was worried they were just going to plop right out of their sockets. "Can I get you something?"
"Augh, shit." I said trying to sit up. While I was asleep, someone had tipped my seat as far back as it could recline and had tucked a blanket around me. "Where… What time is it?"
"It's almost noon, we've been in the air about three and a half hours." She said her voice vintage Oklahoma.
"I'm really thirsty." I said rubbing my eyes. The extra hours of sleep had really done a lot for my hangover. But not my mood. If it were possible, I felt much ornerier than ever. I still felt a little queasy, but it was probably because I hadn't eaten anything at all for so long. I felt sick and tired and just so irritated. I wanted some water, some food and my bed. Instead, I found myself thirsty, hungry and in a plane. Taylor had some serious explaining to do. I tried to swallow around my swollen tongue. "Can I get some water?"
"Sure honey." She said turning and walking towards the small galley.
"Cleo…" Taylor began. "Let's just talk. No fighting. No name-calling. Just talking."
"Fine, when did you talking to me like you did last night ever become acceptable?" I demanded. "I felt like I was dating Jarrod again…"
"I would never treat you like Jarrod did." Taylor said a serious look on his face. "I would never hit you."
"You didn't need to." I said watching sadness flow across his face. "I would prefer a bruise to being humiliated."
"Maybe you at the bachelor party wasn't the best idea we've ever had." He said sheepishly. "It's just… You and Ike have been best friends your whole lives and I…"
"You wanted to be funny." I said accepting the glass of ice water the flight attendant handed me. "But Tay, it wasn't funny."
"I'm sorry." He said flatly. "I am sorrier than I've ever been in my entire life. Sorrier than when I broke your leg…"
"Good, cause you broke my heart." I said. "You just made me feel so small and unloved."
"But, you are loved." He said quietly.
"And I know that." I said quietly. "I love you… But yesterday was just such a bad day…"
"I know," Taylor said quietly.
"I don't think I have to tell you, but it was a bad day for both of us." I said reaching for his hand. "Bad from unexpected beginning to downright hateful end."
"I'm sorry…" Taylor muttered.
"I'm sorry too. But I would rather you don't just mumble sorry unless you mean it." I said sighing. "I don't need platitudes and soothing. Only say those words if you mean them."
"I am sorry," Taylor protested. "I don't understood why when you say "I'm sorry," I'm expected to just accept it as if it's the gospel truth. But when I say sorry, they're just words. I honestly don't think I can express to you how truly sorry I am. I just wish I knew why I was this sorry."
"Hmm…" I sighed. My eyes moving down to where are hands were clasped across the aisle. I wish I understood why we had to be sorry.
"Don't act like that." Taylor said pulling his hand away from me and running his hands through his hair. "Tell me what I did."
"Tay, I was just not feeling great and you were all horny and groping…" I began. "Did you ever stop to consider just how unfulfilling a quickie is for me?"
"Let me ask you something then." Taylor countered. A classic Hanson maneuver: Answer a question with a question. They all three did this. Zac was probably the master, but Taylor and Isaac had this uncanny talent. "Did you ever stop to think that after the horrible day I'd had in Dallas that I might need something more than a quick kiss on the lips and a perfunctory "I love you"?" I shook my head; his voice was thick with passion. He meant these words. "No, I didn't think you had. The thing is that as I stood with Ike and Zac to sing this amazingly personal and meaningful song, I realized that all I was doing – all I was capable of doing – was putting a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound. This was my futile effort to make a hopeless moment bearable."
"I don't even know how to respond to that." I said amazed at his outpouring of raw emotions.
"As we sang, the words of the song and why we had written it, hit me. And the tragedy of it struck me." Taylor had recaptured my hand. His grip was growing steadily tighter. "Twelve year old girls shouldn't die looking fifty years old. Sixteen-year-old gold medal winning swimmers shouldn't drown. Beloved grandmothers shouldn't discover a lump in their breast and die a slow and agonizing death. These things shouldn't happen!"
"I know baby." I murmured.
"As those familiar words poured out of me, all I could think about was the look on your face when we sang it at Thad's funeral." Taylor whispered, his eyes closed. "Your face had been blank, unblinking all through the service. As we began to sing, your face crumpled… Almost as if for the first moment you understood that he was gone. I saw that exact look on the faces of Mindy's brothers and sister. A look of loss…"
"I am so sorry you had to go through that." I truly was sorry that he had to watch this tragedy unfold. I was also sorry that I had been so wrapped up in my petty issues I couldn't see how badly he needed me. "Tay next time just tell me you need me…"
"And I'm sorry for not being more thoughtful." Taylor said kissing my fingertips. So soft and so gentle. "I really didn't set out to upset you… I just wanted you to be there for me so badly. I needed you to need me."
"Unfortunately, I didn't know that then. I wish I had known." I conceded. It was true. I knew he hadn't meant to hurt or upset me. We had both just gotten carried away with our jabs and pokes. We had forgotten that in the end we loved each other. We had forgotten to say the words. "I don't want to fight again, ever."
"We won't," Taylor said softly. "We just need to remember how bad this feels."
I nodded leaning my head back. This moment did feel bad. I felt heartsick and headachy and like such a horrible human being. I wanted more than anything to go back forty-eight hours and tell Emory that I just had to go with Taylor to Dallas. I should have listened when he told me he needed me there with him. I also should have been more insistent about not going to the bachelor party. Life did not come with a rewind button, but I wish it did. I was just about to agree with Taylor. Explain to him that I never wanted to feel this badly again, when his phone rang.
“Hello?” He answered after checking the caller ID. “Yes, this is Taylor.” He said jumping up out of his seat and ambling back towards the back of the plane. His conversation lost in the whine of the engines. Soon, he came and sat down again. “Sorry baby.”
“No worries,” I said smiling at him. But he wasn’t looking at me, he was looking out the window, his eyes mirroring the pale blue of the Izod shirt he was wearing. His look was so faraway and dreamlike. I watched him closely as his chest rose and fell gently with his breathing. He looked at me and a ghost of a smile played across his lips. “Hey, what’s up? Everything okay.”
“Absolutely,” Taylor said patting my hand. “Just some last minute details before we land.
“Oh okay,” I smiled. “Anything you want to tell me?”
“Not really,” he said the smile getting bigger.
"Okay, don’t tell me anything…” I said trying not to let the fact he was keeping a secret from bother me too much. “Tay, I know this is off-topic, but did you grab my laptop when you got my stuff together?"
"Yes." He said fishing my laptop out of my bag and handing it to me. "Do you also want your cell?"
"Please." I said accepting the phone he held out to me. I hit the caller ID button and saw I'd received seven calls since the last time I'd checked. I listened attentively to the messages. I dutifully took down all the information on each call. On the fifth call, I cringed.
"Hey puke girl!!" Zac crowed into the phone. "I just wanted to call and check on your pathetic drunk ass. And let you know I'm going to be sending you a bill for the dry cleaning of my leather jacket. But on a much more fun note, you still have the best breasts I've ever seen! I seem to remember you swearing you were never going to sleep naked again. I mean how many times are you going to have to be busted naked before you stop. First, I was emotionally scarred by your naked body in Dallas, then in Mobile and then last month in New York... I think I've seen you naked more than… Well more than anyone who isn't Taylor. Anyway, I was calling to make sure you were still alive and not dead in a puddle of your own puke. I'll call you later… Or you can call me. Maybe we can go out for some Italian food. Love your boobs!" Then the phone went dead with his maniacal laughter as background music.
"I think I hate Zac." I said under my breath, the thought of Italian food literally making me feel as if I was going to throw up one more time.
"You hate Zac? Why?" Taylor asked.
"No reason, other than he's an asshole." I said deleting the message before Taylor asked to hear it. "Now, if Ike is a dick to me then you'll have all been assholes in less than twenty four hours."
"Nice." Taylor said his eyes focused on my face. But I had the uneasy feeling he wasn't seeing me.
The last message was a frantic Emory. "Cleo, where are you? When I went to get you up, you weren't there. So, I called out to Ike's parents house and they haven't seen you this morning. So, I'm just wondering exactly where you are. You do realize we have a fairly important dress fitting this afternoon. The dresses just arrived and they are the most gorgeous things I've ever seen. But I think you've lost weight since we were in New York and I don't want the dress to just hang on you. You will be home, right? Please, call me and let me know what's going on… Ta ta."
I dropped my head into my hands; of course I realized today was the dress fitting. But Taylor had stolen me. I quickly dialed our home number. "Hey, you've reached Cleo and Emory. We aren't able to get to the phone, but if you leave a message, one of us will get back to you." Emory said in her perfect lilting voice.
"Hey Em, it's me. I'm somewhere over the western United States, Taylor seems to think I need to be somewhere other than Tulsa. I should be home tonight or possibly early tomorrow morning. If you need me, you can call me… Well, see you soon." I said tears springing to my eyes as the picture Ike had taken in New York a few short weeks before flashed up onto the screen. Taylor looked magnificent in his new Armani Tuxedo and I looked amazing in that dark blue dress. It fit as though each stitch had been added with me and me alone in mind. The lovely satin straps fit my shoulders perfectly, no sagging, no gaps. The crystals sewn all over the dress glinted at me even though it was just a picture. They had been sewn on by hand, no glue, no machine. And each was in just precisely the right place for my shape. Taylor's hand on my stomach was such a contrast to the gorgeous dark crepe. Taylor's eyes glowed a brilliant, startling blue standing next to me. When he had offered to buy it for me, he had given the reason that it made his eyes bluer, made him more beautiful. His joke had made me laugh, but I hadn't relented. And I had walked out of the store without the dress or the matching shoes. But I wasn't sad because I hadn't gotten the dress, I was sad because we looked so happy. My ring was on my finger, a smile on my face and my boy was on my arm. My phone began to ring in my lap. "Hello?"
"What the fuck do you mean somewhere over the western United States?" Ike demanded.
"Nice talking to you too." I said taken aback by how angry Ike sounded.
"Seriously, this isn't the time for you two to have one of your "moments." My wedding is in two days! The dresses and tuxes are arriving today. TODAY!! Do you understand that?" Ike yelled.
"God Ike! Calm down!" I said holding the phone away from my ear. "We can have the fittings tomorrow."
"Cleo, tomorrow is…" But I would never know exactly what tomorrow was going to be because Taylor yanked the phone out of my hand. I turned to face him, noticing how pale he looked.
"It'll be fine." Taylor said his voice amazingly calm. "Ike I do realize we need to get the fittings, but it will have to be tomorrow. Cause right now, Cleo and I are on our way somewhere very import…" Taylor stopped halfway through the word. I couldn't tell what Ike was saying but he was saying it very, very loudly. Taylor began to rub his forehead with his free hand. Whatever Isaac was saying, it was really bothering Taylor. "Of course your wedding is important, but we'll be back tomorrow… Of course I realize that tomorrow is the rehearsal dinner! Isaac, calm down…" Taylor listened for a few minutes and then sighed deeply again. "Ike, don't worry, I'm not doing anything to ruin your wedding. I'll explain everything when we get home. Fine, you can be as pissed at me as you want. Bye." Taylor hit the stop button and handed the phone back to me.
"That went very well." I said as Taylor leaned his head back against the seat, rubbing both eyes with the palms of his hands. "This wedding will be the most fun afternoon of our lives."
"Why do you say it like that?" Taylor asked lowering his hands from his face, a look of confusion distorting his features.
"Because, you and Ike are finally okay," I began. "Then you go and do something stupid like this… You do know kidnapping is a federal offense."
"Stupid like what?" Taylor demanded.
"Stupid like running off two days before Ike's wedding…" I started.
"Are you calling me stupid?" Taylor snapped.
"No, I'm just saying sometimes you act without thinking." I said realizing too late that my sloppy generalization was probably not what was needed.
"I thought you liked my spontaneous side!" Taylor interrupted.
"I do. Spontaneous is one thing." I said feeling this conversation moving quickly down a slippery slope into another full-scale blowout. "But this is just…" I stopped. I could minimize
"Just what?" Taylor demanded.
"Nothing…" I said shaking my head.
"No. You don't start a fight then say it was nothing." Taylor snapped.
"I didn't start a fight!" I protested.
"Oh, yes you did." Taylor argued.
"Whatever," I shrugged.
"No, not whatever." Taylor insisted. "I want to know just how I am."
"Fine," I said closing my eyes. "Sometimes you are just so reckless. This trip is just a shining example of your thoughtlessness. Sometimes it feels like you are just moving along blissfully unaware of anyone else."
A silence fell between us, making the whine of the engine sound so much louder. I stole a glance at Taylor. He was staring straight ahead, gnawing on a fingernail. His face was placid. Slowly he turned toward me, his expression unreadable.
"Cleo, you know what?" Taylor asked. "I am trying to make you happy, trying to do something nice for you… Would it kill you to be nice to me for one moment in your life?"
"I'm nice to you." I said.
"No, you're really not." Taylor said sighing again. He reached into his pocket and pulled out my engagement ring. "Everything in this relationship is about compromise, but it's about me compromising. But you know what? You don't want to get married, fine. Fine by me. I can probably hawk this piece of shit ring for a few hundred thousand dollars."
"What?" I asked.
"Yeah, that's right." Taylor said angrily. "You get all pissed at me cause you still drive the sweet Sentra, but you never think about the fact I own 2 cars. And once we're married, one will be yours. And when I tell you to get rid of your car and just take the Trooper, you go insane! You start gritching about not wanting to be a kept woman! If I had gone out and bought you a car, you would have thrown a fit. And you know it."
"I'm sorry, but I can't get past the idea I've been walking around Tulsa wearing a ring worth that much money?" I asked. "You sent that to me via UPS… I don't think I want a ring worth that much money."
"Whatever…" Taylor said.
"Mr. Hanson, the pilot has advised me we are preparing for landing. If you could lock your seats forwards and put your seatbelts back on." The flight attendant said with an apologetic look on her face.
"Thank you," Taylor said smiling.
"Tay, I had no idea." I began.
"What? Now the ring has value to you because of the cost? Not because I gave it to you?" He asked.
"No." I said feeling tears bubbling to the surface again. "That isn't fair."
"You know what isn't fair? That I am constantly having to play by your rules and always having to prove I love you." Taylor said. His voice wasn't really angry, just sad. If he had been mad and yelling, this conversation would have been easier. I could have been righteously indignant and justified in an angry response. But this resigned acceptance was just killing me. I needed him to rage and rant to make it okay for me to respond like that.
"You don't have to prove anything to me." I began. "I'm just blown away you spent that much on my engagement ring…"
"Why? I adore you." He said. "I would have spent millions if I'd thought that's what would make you happy."
"You make me happy." I said a desperation creeping into my voice.
"Do I? I would never have known." Taylor said slipping the ring back into his pocket. I wanted to protest, to say it was mine, to slip it back on. But I guess technically, it was his. I suddenly realized I might never get it back. "Lately, I never seem to be enough for you."
"Please, forgive me." I said reaching for his hand. He pulled it away from me, not angrily, but still away. "Tay, I don't know why I do things that hurt you…"
"Well, you do!" He said emphatically as the wheels of the plane hit the tarmac. "You hurt me all the time and you don't seem to notice or care."
"I'm so sorry." I said my voice a sob choking out of me. I didn't even know I was that upset until I found it almost impossible to speak.
"We're all sorry all the time, aren't we?" He said the sadness in his words breaking my heart. We sat in silence as the stairs were lowered. I stood up grabbing my Scooby Doo bag and started out the plane only to notice Taylor wasn't following me. He was just sitting pulling on his lip and looking out the window.
"Are you coming?" I asked my breath hitching in my chest.
"No, not yet." He said quietly. "I need to think for a while. You go ahead without me, I'll meet you at the hotel."
"Taylor…" I began. I kept waiting for all of the things I wanted to say to come pouring out of me. Taylor seemed to be waiting as well. He was watching me with an expectant look on his face. I understood suddenly that anything I said would make or break this moment. And that knowledge made it next to impossible to speak. I opened my mouth to tell him I loved him, to explain to him that I was aware that I was an emotional cripple, to beg him to forgive me once again. But nothing came out. His lips pulled up into a small half-smile. I knew that look. It was the look of someone who had just been proven right, even though he had hoped against hope he was wrong. "I… I…"
"Cleo, just go, I'll be there soon." He said giving me the saddest half-smile, ever in the history of smiles. "I'll be right behind you."
"I don't want to go without you." I said my vision shimmering through the tears in my eyes.
"Please, I need to think about a lot of things." He said looking up at me through his eyelashes. "Honestly, I just need to think."
"About what?" I said the cold hands of fear wrapping around my spine. In my life, I have had many panic attacks. But at that moment, I understood that all of them had simply been warm-ups. They had been the subtle rumblings that preceded the big one. I felt my heart stop, as I understood that Taylor staying behind and thinking probably involved figuring out a way to get rid of me. I wanted more than anything to rewind the last 24 hours. Start yesterday all over again.
"About a lot of things, about what I want out of my life, about us." Taylor said turning toward the window. His eyes were the clearest gray, stormy and dark. I wanted to reach out and grab him. I wanted to kiss him, to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness. But instead, I turned towards the door.
"I love you." I said trying to smile brightly.
"I love you too." He murmured his eyes locked on some far away point only he could see. "The limo is here, you go… I'll be there soon."
"Taylor, please don't do this…" I said the smile freezing on my face.
"What am I doing?" Taylor asked.
"Don't break my heart." I said.
"Cleo, how can I break your heart?" He asked sighing deeply. "You'd have to give it to me for me to break it."
"You have my heart." I said a sob ripping out of me. "You have all of me."
"Sometimes I wonder," he said. His face seemed sort of dazed and bewildered like he had just understood something for the first time. He was the child who just realized Santa wasn't real. "Cleo, just go, I'll follow you. I just need to make arrangements for our return flight."
"Promise?"
"I promise." He said
I turned and stepped through the door of the plane only to be greeted by a blast of sweltering heat. I stepped down onto the tarmac and felt myself grow dizzy with the heat after being in the freezing plane. The hangover I thought was gone came rushing back. I stopped on the bottom step to steady myself; afraid I was going to throw up the water I'd just downed. The driver held the door open for me. "Welcome," he said as I slipped into the deliciously cool and dark limo. "There is chilled champagne and freshly dipped chocolate strawberries for you."
"Thank you," I said trying valiantly to smile.
"Is the gentleman joining you?" He asked.
"I don't think so..." I said quietly.
"I was just wondering, I was told I was picking up two when I spoke to Mr. Hanson thirty minutes ago." He said before he shut the door and encased me in the lovely darkness. I don't think I can properly ever explain how those words sent shivers down my spine. He was expecting two of us. Something in the plans had changed so recently. The windows of this limo were almost totally blacked out. I could only really see what was outside if I put my face right up to the glass, which of course I did. I watched a very tired looking Taylor descending the steps of the plane. I felt major twinges of guilt suddenly. I wanted to throw the door open and beg Taylor to join me, but, I heard another door shut and almost immediately the limo began to glide along unfamiliar streets.
I looked around me at my plush surroundings and true to the driver's word, there was a bottle of Veuve Clicquot champagne and a plate of the most enormous chocolate covered strawberries I'd ever seen. At the sight of the food, my stomach growled. Maybe I wasn't sick, but hungry. I hadn't eaten anything for a very long time. In fact, all of what I had eaten the day before was apparently on Zac's leather jacket. So, I picked up a strawberry and bit into it. It tasted like heaven, a sweet, sticky version of heaven that didn't include Taylor.
How could any moment of my life not include Taylor and remain worthwhile? What if he really wanted not to get back together? At that thought, I saw black spots swimming before my eyes. I felt like I could pass out. What would I do if he really did leave me?
I leaned forward and hit the button that lowered the screen between the driver and I. "Excuse me, but where am I?"
"Why, you're in Las Vegas, Ma'am." He said smiling at me in the rearview mirror. "Where were you supposed to be?"
"I'm not sure." I said confused.