...what is lost...

Lost

By the shadows of the night I go
I moved away from the crowded room
That sea of shallow faces masked in warm regret
They don't know how to feel, they don't know what is lost

Lost in the darkness of a land
Where all the hope that's offered is
Memories of being taken by the hand
And we are led into the sun
But I don't have a hold on what is real
Though we can only try
What is there to give or to believe

I want it all to go away I want to be alone
Sympathy's wasted on my hollow shell
I feel there's nothing left to fight for
No reason for a cause
And I can't hear your voice and I can't feel you near

I wanted a change knowing all I could do was try
I was looking for someone...

I sat in my apartment watching something inane on television. Apparently, there were no new ideas to be had in Hollywood. Every show I watched seemed to be a rehash of something I'd seen a long time ago. Really, why anyone would watch this drech willingly was beyond my understanding. I finally ended up on the Food Network, watching how they made all of the junk food I loved so much. After about half and hour of this, I was sure I would never be able to eat any of the food shown again. Particularly disgusting was all of the Hostess family of foods. But I had to do something to stay awake until Taylor returned.

Taylor had gotten early to go with Isaac and Zac to Dallas. Or well, relatively early for a man who is used to sleeping until noon most days. So, 8:30 found him standing in the door of my apartment waiting for them to pull up. Zac had called a few minutes earlier saying they had left Bixby and were very, very close, this call had spurred another spate of him basically begging me to go. He didn't want to hear that today was Emory's shower and I had to be there. None of that mattered. He wanted me to come along. If for no other reason than to be a buffer between him and Isaac.

Taylor had barely slept the night before. He had tossed and turned and in general made life miserable for both of us. Finally, I just gave up and asked him the obvious question: what's wrong. We had then lain in bed talking about all of the possible outcomes of the ride. Including one where he found himself sitting on the side of the road with only his cell phone. But really, I didn't envision that. Isaac was driving, so Tay could stay in the back and sleep all day. He had finally fallen completely asleep around four.

So the alarm going off at seven had been a very unwelcome and harsh awakening. Getting him ready had been a long and painful progress that involved me running to Nordaggio's for a cup of very strong, very hot coffee, me taking a shower with him, me giving in. Finally, he was upright, fairly awake (maybe the giving in was a bad idea, it always makes him so sleepy) and pacing back and forth in front of the windows watching the street.

"Well, you drank the equivalent of two pots of coffee on an empty stomach." I said watching him lean out the open window.

"Hmmm..." I intoned. I don't think I'd ever seen him this nervous before. "That will suck for the shower."

"Or somehow be oddly appropriate," he said stopping in front of a mirror. He smoothed his hair back and tucked it behind his ears, before commencing with tugging on his tie. "I look like an idiot."

"You look very handsome," I said watching as he returned to pacing back and forth.

"Yeah?" He asked stopping to look at me. "I think I look like I'm going to a funeral.

As he stood there, I was startled by how much he looked like the day we buried Thad. But then again, I think seeing him in a dark suit with a white shirt and dark tie will probably always remind me of August 29th, 1996. "True." I agreed. "Still you look extremely handsome all dolled up."

"Yes, you are." I smiled. He looked so tired and quite worried. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "The thing is this could be a very long car ride.... That's all."

"Aww..." I said dragging myself off the couch and going to him. "I know you say things are good, but how have things really been the last couple of days?"

"Better," he said as I wrapped my arms around him. "In fact, I think maybe something in slugging me totally woke him up. Are you sure you can't come?"

"Tay, we've been over this," I said sighing in his essence. "I am the maid of honor, I'm throwing this shower. I need to be there."

"But, my mom and my sisters will be there," he said, a hint of a whine in his voice.

"I know, but I'm supposed to be there, I planned it." I said squeezing him. "And you're tired... Just put on your headphones and kick back, sleep."

"Okay," he said resting his chin on top of my head. Soon, we were breathing in unison. The television behind us was giving the local Tulsa traffic and weather for the day. "I'd sleep so much better if you were there to be my pillow."

"As tempting as sitting all squished up in the corner of Ike's backseat sounds, I'll pass." I said rocking back and forth with him. Soon, we were swaying to the rhythm of the traffic outside. The urban music turned us in slow circles around my apartment.

"I don't know if I'm ready to sing this song today," Taylor said quietly into my hair.

"Are you ever ready?" I asked leaning back and looking into his face. He nodded his head, his eyes filled with deep sadness. "Why is it so hard this time?"

"Cause she was so young and it's such a waste." Taylor whispered quietly. "And Zac kept pushing Ike and I to do things for her... You know, sign things, send her email messages, things like that. And I always kind of blew him off, telling him I'd do it the next day or something. Now, it's too late. I could have made a real difference in her life and I was always too busy."

"You gave her hope when she had none," I said softly. "You gave her joy when it was in short supply. Your conversation with her was enough to lift and edify her for a long time."

"I guess," he sighed. He slumped over me again, putting a substantial portion of his weight on me. We just stood there for a long time, just soaking in the essence of the other. I could have spent eternity there in his arms, feeling the weight of his love resting on my shoulders. "Are you sure you can't come?"

Just then, Zac came bounding into my apartment in a pair of shorts and a baggy t-shirt. "Why do I always catch you two in such disgusting positions?"

"No, but I'm not going to wear my monkey suit until I absolutely have to." Zac answered shrugging. "Go change into something else, we'll get dressed in Dallas."

"Well, I mean other than the obvious." Zac answered grabbing the remote off the table and flipping until he came to MTV2. "I knew her, he didn't..."

"Yeah, but he feels like he should have done more for her," I said. I slid over and rested my head on his shoulder. "He's also worried about how Ike is going to be."

"I don't think he needs to worry about that," Zac said. "Clarke Isaac Hanson is one humbled and repentant boy."

"You think?" I asked sitting up and facing him. "Do you really think it's sincere?"

"I do," Zac assured me. "Last night, he spent most of the night talking to me... I, unfortunately, was asleep when he started talking. And the gist of what he h ad to say was that he's worried Taylor won't forgive him."

"Yeah, he totally gets now that he was being irrational." Zac said giving up on television and handing me the remote. "He's been so nervous about the wedding and I guess Emory's dad said something about them not really being in love, but her being in love with his "fabulous" lifestyle. Then he started drinking, which we all know is never good. And then, at the party, everyone kept asking him what was wrong with you and Taylor. Uncle Ron asked if Tay was off pouting cause for once the attention was on Isaac... And really, I think that got him to thinking bad thoughts. It was just a combo platter of bad things."

"I think today's drive will be good for them," Zac said quietly. We could hear Taylor moving around in the bathroom. He dropped something and swore.

"Yeah?" I asked as Taylor stepped into the living room. He was in a pair of baggy jeans and a t-shirt from some obscure little league association. "Now, that is sexy..."

"Thanks," Taylor said slinging the garment bag with his suit over his shoulder. "Are you sure you can't come?"

"Never," I said standing on the top step and leaning forward. Our lips connected for a split second before Zac yanked Taylor down the stairs. "Bye baby, be good..."

"I love you!" He called up to me as Zac shoved him in the front seat of Isaac's car.

The rest of the day was interminable. I was so worried about what was going on with Isaac, Taylor and Zac. All through Emory's shower, I kept calling Taylor's cell phone hoping to find out if things were going okay. I finally resorted to calling Zac's and then Isaac's phones and got no answer. So strange and so unlike them to be unreachable.

Emory got more gifts than any of us expected. I mean I had invited every person in Tulsa who was related to Isaac or had ever met him. It was fairly uncomfortable to be sitting in a room with the people who had reviled me as I grew up, the girls who had set their sights on Taylor, the girls whose lives I had made a living hell, the person who thought I'd usurped her position as maid of honor, my mother.

By the time the shower was over, I was a nervous wreck. Every nerve in my body was snapping and crackling, I was well on my way to having a major headache when I finally got back in my car to go home. Emory sat in the passenger seat chattering on about how nice everyone was and how sweet they were to her. And how she totally didn't get how I could say any of those women were evil. Emily was the sweetest thing, not a slut at all. Marci was just a joy to talk to; she simply couldn't believe I didn't like her.

In all honesty, all I wanted to do when I got back to our apartment was crawl in my bed and sleep the sleep of the dead. I lay down on the bed, pulling Taylor's pillow to my nose pulling in deep draughts of him. It only took a few minutes for all of the tension to come pouring out as tears. Really, there wasn't a lot more I could do other than cry.

It just felt so bad to be so disliked by so many for so long and then have Emory come in and be treated like the second coming... When I heard Reverend Marcus' wife say "at least Diana is getting one nice daughter-in-law even if she's not a Christian." I needed to talk to Taylor so badly. I snagged the phone off the bedside table and dialed the number on autopilot.

"Hey, you've reached Tay! Cleo and I are probably off together doing something we can't tell anyone about... Leave us a message and we'll call you when we're done."

"Tay, when you get this message please, please, please call me..." I sobbed. "I really need you."

I hung up and buried my head in the pillow and sobbed. I hated that these horrible women could still make me feel so bad about myself. As I lay there feeling sorry for myself, I heard a knock at the door. "Yes?"

"Cleo?" Emory asked flipping on the lights as she walked into my room. "Are you okay?"

"Okay," she said walking over to my bed. "It's just that Taylor's cell just rang, I thought you might want to know."

"Yeah, nothing that several years of therapy can't fix." I said trying to force my face into a smile.

"Oh, sorry about turning on the lights." She said hurrying over to turn off the lights before coming back and lying down on the bed next to me. "Cleo, why do all those women today hate you?"

"You are not! You're one of the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful people I've ever known." Emory said from next to me. "Honestly, you are much harder on yourself than you should be. In fact, Zac is too hard on you as well... But I think he must be joking."

"Oh, I don't know about that." I sighed. "I was pretty devious when I was younger. I mean, really, really horrible. Thad and I did some pretty bad things, including, but not limited to: releasing fire ants in the choir stand, hiding a frog in the organists box, tricking all of the girls in our youth group into thinking they could get pregnant just by swimming with guys. And none of that includes all the times Thad and I made monkey noises during the prayer. Or all of the lovely nicknames we made up for everyone. And, once a week, we would decide which person we would exclude from out little group."

"But, you were a child when you did all that." Emory said rubbing her hand over my back. She wasn't Taylor, but she was a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. "I really think that they need to just calm down. They act so pious and religious and yet, they are so judgmental. I'd take my good old-fashioned Jewish guilt any day over being judged."

"Maybe you should give the sermon on Sunday..." I said softly, feeling myself getting more and more relaxed. "I think it would be a total scandal to have you up there teaching them about true Christ-like love."

"Well, I can honestly say I know nothing about that," Emory said snuggling close to me. I imagine this must be what it's like to have a sleepover with your best friend. I never had those, cause my best friends were always boys. And really, cuddling with a guy is about ten percent comfort and about ninety percent copping a feel. "But I do know that you are honestly one of the best friends I've ever had."

"I think you may be the only female friend I've ever had," I said quietly. We lay in silence for a few minutes; the only sound was the rise and fall of voices on the television in the living room. I could feel myself slowly drifting off to sleep when the apartment phone rang. "Hello?"

"Hello Da!" She said excitedly in the phone. "Are you all awake? Well, then I'm on my way out there. Well, I think we can find a really good American restaurant easily... See you in a few." She pulled herself up off the bed. "I'm going to go and pick up my parents to take them to dinner."

"Do you want to come?" She asked. "I mean it has to be better than lying about feeling bad."

"Naw, I really do have a headache," I answered. "And, I want to be here when Taylor gets home."

"Okay," she said as she retreated. I could hear her moving around the apartment, humming something that sounded a little bit more than just vaguely Irish. "Are you sure?"

"Okay, see you then." She said before I heard the door close behind her and the jangle of her keys in the lock.

Once she was gone, I realized that lying in bed feeling sorry for myself was getting me nowhere. I decided what I really needed was to just relax. So, I got up and took a long, hot bath. I had stuck in a couple of really mellow, quiet CD's and took a book in with me. It was a young adult book by Francesca Lia Block called "Echo." Jessica had read it recently and had raved about it so much; I decided I needed to read it. Her writing was incredible, so transcending the usual trash written specifically for young adults. I found myself falling in love with the lovely, fragile, blonde boys she described. Once I was sufficiently pickled, I got out of bed and decided the only thing to do was watch bad television.

So, that is how I found myself watching the Food Network and fixing any and all craving I may have ever had for junk food. As they started showing how they made "Andy Cap's Cheese Fries," the phone rang. I checked the caller ID and was pleasantly surprised to see my parents phone number on it. "Hello?"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that." He answered. "I was worried you'd be a little frazzled after spending the day with so many of your biggest fans."

"Yeah, I knew the truth would come out." He said laughing. "I just thought you could use a call from a parent who thinks you're wonderful!"

"Thanks Daddy," I said softly. "It often feels like it's me against everyone else."

"Who died?" My dad asked his voice filled with concern. It's just a reasonable assumption that it could be someone my dad knew.

"Her name was Mindy," I answered. "She was a fan that we met in Dallas last year. She had Leukemia."

"Actually, Zac became really good friends with her," I said shrugging. "She really touched him when they met. He actually chatted with her or emailed her every day with the exception of the time he spent in the hospital."

"Again, I ask you: are you sure you picked the right brother?" My dad had the most amazing voice. It was just such a warm and comforting voice, but it was also slightly disingenuous. We called it his "doctor voice." He dropped down into it when he felt like he needed to be comforting or understanding.

"Of course I am," I answered snuggling down under a blanket. "Zac is a pain in my ass."

"Anyway, I called because I got some of the information regarding the various choices we have for your wedding," he said softly. "I know you want to be married outside and that we have the condos reserved, but where do you want to have the reception, what do you want to serve, do you want a band or a DJ..."

"I'm not sure," I said. Every once in a while it hits me again that this decision is forever. I was marrying Taylor and it was a permanent arrangement. "Tay and I will have to come over and look at the info."

"What's wrong?" He said his voice losing its doctor tone. I loved this voice. The one where his guard was totally let down and he was just my dad.

"What if he falls out of love with me?" I asked quickly all in one breath. "I don't think I could take another person leaving me."

"Honey, if you really think that is going to happen, then what are you doing?" My dad had a very valid point. "Do you feel that way?"

"No, not really." I answered. And, I really didn't. But really, I have such a fear of being abandoned. The fear was huge and overwhelming and sometimes it made me feel like I was going to throw up. But it wasn't just the thought of Taylor leaving me. It was a fear of anyone I loved leaving.

"Honey, Thad didn't leave you. He died. It was brutal and unexpected and an accident. Taylor worships the ground you walk on. I tease you about whether he's the right brother, but really, the way you feel about each other is obvious."

"Maybe," I said shrugging. "I just feel like one day he's going to realize how horrible I am and just leave."

"Honey, you need to stop making him prove he loves you." His voice sounded so sad. I wonder what sad moment he was reliving. "One day, he will get sick of it..."

"I know, but sometimes, I can't help it. Things just come out of my mouth and I don't know where they come from." I said finally just switching off the television there was nothing there to interest me.

"You are like your mother in that." He said softly. "Don't get me wrong, I adore that woman. I love her more than life itself... But sometimes, I think the filter between her brain and her mouth is just missing."

"Honey, that isn't as bad a thing as you think. Your mother wasn't always the way she is now... She lost something essential when she lost Thad."

"But daddy, she was always like that with me." I protested. She never had been the typical "doting" mother with me. My dad and Diana had both told me it was cause when I was born I was so tiny. My mother had been frightened by my size, frightened of all the monitors, frightened by the possibility of losing me. But all I can say is that it just felt like she never really loved me, like I was never good enough. The truth was I was just not Thad. "I must have always been such a disappointment."

"No, don't say that." He said sadly. I think more than anything the distance between the two women he loved above all else just about killed him. "She is so proud of you and all you've accomplished. You should hear her talk about you�"

"I know, I know�" I was about to make some snotty, snappy comeback when my stomach rolled. "Oh man, I think I'm gonna be sick�"

"I hope it wasn't any of the food from the shower." My dad said concern in his voice. "That would be an awful lot of food poisoning�"

"Dad, I really have to go!" I said throwing the phone down. I barely made it to the bathroom before everything I'd eaten that day came shooting back out. I was now lying on the floor, listening to the television talk about food as I fought wave after wave of horrid nausea. Really, there is nothing in this world as horrible as the feeling of my stomach rolling. I lay with as much of my body pressed against the cool tile as I could get. I felt like I was on a ship that was pitching and yawing on the high seas. I heard the phone ring, but I just couldn't bring myself to sit upright, much less stand up and walk into the other room to get it.

I heard the answering machine click on. Emory's voice echoed through the apartment. "Hey, you've reached Cleo and Emory. We aren't able to get to the phone, but if you leave a message, one of us will get back to you."

"Cleo, this is Tay. We're about ten minutes from your apartment. I forgot my keys, so I hope you're home to let me in. Today has been a very long and very hard day� The funeral was brutal, but aren't they usually? I guess I can tell you about that when I get there. I missed you today." He sighed heavily. "Okay, I better go. I'll see you soon. Love you!"

I laid there tears dripping off my nose from the throwing up and feeling just not good at all. I hoped that Emory hadn't locked the door cause I just didn't know if I could stand up and walk into the living room. Soon, I heard the telltale squeak of the stairs and soft conferring voices. The handle on the door turned easily and the door creaked open. "Cleo?"

I heard heavy footsteps going back to my room. "She's not back here." Zac called. "Do you think she went� Cleo!"

"What?" Taylor said rushing to Zac. I felt strong hand on my arms as I was turned over. I realized immediately that they had to be thinking the worst. Damn, that touch of drama queen I have. When I saw the look of panic on Taylor's face, I felt really, really guilty. "Oh God, are you okay?"

"Did you pass out? Do we need to call your dad? Or an ambulance?" Taylor was asking his cool hands smoothing over my face.

"No, just food poisoning." I moaned. I looked up into the face of the person who was cradling my head in his lap. "Hey Zac."

"I just puked, I'm not an invalid." I said allowing him to put his arms around me and lift me up off the floor. I put my arms around his neck and allowed him to help me over to the sink.

"Okay," he said hugging me tightly. "Man, when I saw you laying there, I thought maybe something bad had happened."

"No, I just feel really sick," I said leaning over the sink and rinsing my face. "I want to lay down..." I moved back towards my room knowing I was dying. "Hey, where's Ike?"

"I'm here," he called from the living room. "I just wanted to call Emory and see how she's doing."

"Is she sick?" I asked as I flopped down on my bed face first. There was something so satisfying about landing with a plunk on my face, even if my glasses did dig into my nose.

"No, she's fine." He answered as he walked into my room. He pushed a pile of Taylor's clothes off the armchair in the corner and sat down. "In fact, she says that everyone is great. Her family, my family� You're the only one who was lucky enough to get sick."

"I feel so lucky." I said rolling onto my back. Taylor came walking into the room with a big bowl, a wet towel, a glass of water and some Pepto Bismol. "Why am I always the lucky one?"

"It's not always you, sometimes I have the luck." Zac said from the doorway. I expected this to be a snotty comment, but it was free of sarcasm and irony. He had his arms crossed over his chest and his head bowed. I think he'd had more than his share of sadness for this day. "And as much fun as it is standing here and talking to you and your sick ass, I'm tired. I really need to get some sleep."

"Why don't you and Ike go home?" Taylor asked as he settled onto the bed next to me. He smoothed the cool damp towel over my face. "I'll stay and take care of my sick girl."

"Alright," Isaac said walking over to me. He leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. "You aren't hot, so I don't think it's the flu."

"Fine," Zac said sighing. "I do love you even if I don't feel sorry for you. Tay, I'll call you in the morning."

"Okay," Taylor said smoothing my hair back and tucking it behind my left ear. "What time are we meeting?"

"Uh, I don't know," Zac said shrugging. "You were supposed to have reserved the bar."

"Yeah, I told my friends to meet us at Zio's around 6:30." Isaac said leaning down and snagging a shirt off the floor. We all jumped when Zac's cell phone started blasting "Back in Black." He backed out of the room to take the call. I watched him lean against the wall, an embarrassed smirk on his lips. If I had to guess, he was talking to Anne and didn't want us to know. It really isn't like any of us cared, but his change of heart regarding her was pretty much complete. In face, I think he liked her a lot more than he would ever admit to us. "Tay, you are aware that this shirt is mine."

"Sure, but it looks better on me," Taylor said nonchalantly. I braced myself for the battle that comment would excite.

Instead, Isaac just shrugged his shoulders. "You're probably right about that. Thank the Lord, I don't have to go through life a pretty boy."

My eyes caught Zac's from where he stood just outside my bedroom door. Zac winked at me. Something was up. Different. Better. I will say that their comfortable joking was so nice. I felt so relieved; I almost forgot I was currently in the throes of a horrible case of food poisoning.

"Nice comeback," Isaac said chucking the shirt at Tay. "It does look better on you, if memory serves. Keep it." He turned then stopped. "You are coming, right?"

"Me?" I asked completely flabbergasted. I really hadn't expected to be invited to the bachelor party.

"Of course, you're my best friend. Cleo, I realized I�ve been a total asshole of late. And I don�t really have a good explanation for it, but trust me when I say, I�m really sorry. Can you forgive?" Isaac said shrugging. I felt my stomach roll but not from being upset. I was just so happy to hear Isaac refer to me as his best friend.

�Of course, isn�t that what a best friend does?� I said accepting Isaac�s hug. He leaned over me and held me so tightly. I felt his chest heave with a held back sob. �I would forgive you anything, even if you ran over my dog.�

�I love you,� he whispered before standing back up. "And really, I can't imagine any sort of a party without you there."

"Thanks," I said smiling. "But won't I cut into your fun? I mean, do you really want me around with the strippers?"

"Strippers? Are there really strippers?" Zac asked as he walked back into my room. He snapped his phone shut and stuffed it into his back pocket.

"Yeah," Taylor said shrugging. "Jarrod actually set up the strippers� I guess he does their hair."

"Well, he says he does hair for all the girls at American Bush." Taylor said sneaking a look at me. I could tell he was nervous I was going to be mad. "So, we have the club to ourselves from 9:00 to closing."

"Are you sure you want me there?" I asked sighing. Strippers and lots of alcohol should be tons of fun for me.

"Absolutely," Isaac said smacking Zac on the arm. "Let's head. I want to see Emory before she heads back this way."

Soon, the front door opened and closed. I heard the pounding of feet running quickly down the stairs. I sighed feeling a lot better than I had just a few minutes before. I wasn't sure I wanted to go to the bachelor party, but if Isaac really wanted me there, then there I would be. I just had this feeling that nothing good could come from me being in a strip club, but whatever.

"Cleo, today was amazing in so many ways," Taylor said quietly as he flopped down onto the bed next to me. He propped himself up on his elbow and looked down on me. "It was such an amazing ride down. I don't know what happened, but Isaac and I finally just talked. We talked about everything. I just don�t think that things are going to get out of hand."

"That is so good," I said snuggling in close to him. "Things have been so crazy lately. And you needed to just really talk."

"It was awesome." Taylor said drawing abstract patterns on my arm with his fingertips. "By the time we were to the suburbs of Dallas, everything was fine. We started with the root of everything..."

"That doesn't matter anymore," Taylor said quietly, practically purring into my ear. "The only thing that matters is that it's fixed now."

"Okay," I said sighing. Now that I felt better, I was tired. Tired like I had never been tired before. I could feel the lethargy pulling me down. Down into a land of sleep.

"Then, he explained to me exactly why he acted the way he did in New York." Taylor said his fingers moving from my arm down onto my chest. His fingertips were rough from playing guitar and cool as his hands perpetually are. "As he talked and talked, it started to make so much sense."

"Sense? How does any of what he did and said make sense?" I asked. My interest piqued.

"Well, the sense it made was that it made no sense." Taylor said finally just giving in and sliding his hand up under my shirt. "As he was trying to explain to me his reasoning, he suddenly made the momentous discovery that it was all a load of crap."

"Seriously," Taylor said his voice getting excited. "He was going on and on about how put upon he thought he was. How he has to have the patience of a saint to be my brother. When suddenly a light went off and he understood, that none of it was about me. It was about him. He suddenly seemed to understand that all of it was coming from inside, that he was making it up."

"And he admitted that a lot of it was that he was so scared that everyone was right," Taylor said his fingers sliding smoothly over my skin, raising goose bumps across my tummy.

"About him not knowing Emory nearly well enough," Taylor said quietly. "He just looks at us and sees how completely we know each other and he says it bugs him. It just gets under his skin."

"Actually, I do." Taylor said his voice dropping to a whisper again. "I see how having you in love with someone else is enough to make a man act irrationally. It made me do something I can't even believe I did."

"Ike was never in love with me," I said softly. My body was beginning to respond to his soft gentle touches.

"I wouldn't be too sure," Taylor said his fingers finally managing to slide up under the lip of my bra. "He loved you, but was over it long ago. But for some reason, he has clung to the idea of you for a long time. He said that he knows you could never make him as happy as Emory does..."

"No, I would be nothing but bad for him." I said pushing Taylor's hand away. "Tay, I still don't feel great."

"How was the funeral?" I asked sleepily. I laid my head on his chest, taking comfort in the gentle in and out of his breath, in the soothing rumble of his voice low in his chest.

"Yes," he said softly. "I honestly have never seen such a celebration of a life. Mindy was just this dynamic force. She touched a lot of people. The church was full. There were so many people; they were sitting on the floor in the aisles. It was really humbling to hear all the things she did with her short life. I don't know about Ike and Zac, but I feel like a scumbag for being young and healthy and basically wasting my life on myself."

"Tay, your life is not a waste," I said lifting my head and looking into his eyes. "You do a ton for a lot of people."

"Whatever," he said softly. "Sometimes I wonder how that's true. I mean Mindy basically spent every day she was healthy doing something for someone else. They were saying such incredible things about her. Her strength and attitude were so inspirational. You should have heard the things the other kids from the hospital said. He fell quiet as the room was filled with the sound of our breathing. "Do you ever wonder what will be said at your funeral?"

"I can honestly say I haven't." I said sighing. Of course, that was a total lie. For weeks after Thad's funeral, I would lie awake in my bed pondering all of the things that had been said about Thad. Somehow through the haze of Xanax, I was able to grasp onto certain phrases, even entire paragraphs. These words played over and over again in my head. "...fantastic athlete..." "...best friend ever..." "...the sunshine of our lives..." Words that were so much more than just words. These words became Thad, defined him. Soon, all he became were words and a shrine. "Have you thought about what will be said at your funeral?"

"Not really, but I can tell you what the headlines will be when I die," Taylor said his fingers moving over my arms again. "Mmmdead."

"Yes, they will and I suppose that's okay," Taylor said softly. "I want them to say I was the best brother, a wonderful husband, an incredible friend, the world's greatest father... The thing was in the midst of all the things said about Mindy, there were so many things not said. She never got to be a mother or a wife..."

"Yes, but she got to be a lot of other things.� I said. �An inspiration, a role model, a good friend. Really, haven�t you truly succeeded if you have one truly good friend? And she had hundreds� How was your song?�

�I�ve sung it at my grandmothers funeral, at Thad�s funeral, at countless concerts and have never choked up.� Taylor said his voice sad and distant. �But standing in front of those people, hearing about the light she shed on the lives of everyone she touched� We barely made it through it. Zac was a mess.�

�She really did touch Zac. He chatted online with her almost everyday.� I said. Suddenly, I had an image of Isaac, Taylor and Zac standing in front of the congregation of my parents� church. All three dressed in their best dark suits, their faces sweaty, hair pulled back in a ponytail as they sang �With You in Your Dreams� a Capella for Thad. Zac had stood there shaking from emotion. I was never sure how he made it through the song. �That song can be a killer.�

�Well, somehow we made it through.� Taylor said hugging me tighter. �It was the reception after the funeral that just finally got to me completely.�

�Why?� I asked. I was actually starting to fade quickly. I was so tired. So, so tired.

�I think every member of her family and every friend came up and thanked each of us for what we�d done.� Taylor said his voice getting quieter and quieter. �They all said that they knew it was exactly what she would want. Finally, her older brother came up and hugged each of us. He had delivered her eulogy and it had been so loving and sweet. He smiled at us and said, �you guys are so lucky that you have each other.� And at that moment, I think it did totally sink in. We do have each other. And God willing, we always will.�

�You will be together forever,� I said softly. �Tay, I am so tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open.�

�Well, you�ve been sick. Go to bed, baby. We�ll talk in the morning.� He said kissing the top of my head. He held me so close, quietly humming something that sounded tuneless and surprisingly like �With You in Your Dreams.� His humming stopped and his breathing evened out. I was sure he was asleep; even though I was the one who was so tired I could hardly keep my brain on task with the conversation. But really, that was pretty ordinary for me. I felt him sigh heavily under me. "Often, as I lie in bed waiting to fall asleep, I think about how lucky I am."

"Yeah, incredibly lucky to know that I will fall asleep and wake up to you and your prickly legs every morning." Taylor whispered in my ear.