But if you leave me then I am broken

Broken

If I am frightened then I can hide it
If I am crying, I'll call it laughter
If I am haunted, I'll call it my imaginary friend
If I am bleeding, I'll call it my wine

But if you leave me then I am broken
And if I'm broken then only death remains

If I am drifting, then I can fight it
If I am sinking, no-one will know it
If I am blinded I'll have my voices still to guide me
If they yet fled away I'd bless the silence

But if you leave me then I am broken
And if I'm broken then only death remains

“Cleo, what did you do?” He asked stepping towards me. I cringed as I heard the crunching sound of him stepping on the shards of the shattered mug. I looked down and noticed he was barefoot as usual. His next step left a bloody mark on the floor.

“Nothing, really.” I said reaching up to pull on my hair. “Tay, you’re bleeding."

“Nothing? Nothing?!” Taylor asked his voice getting louder, totally ignoring my comment. “You cut off your hair, that isn’t nothing!”

“Well, do you like it?” I asked watching the anger surfacing. I so wasn’t expecting such an emotional response over my hair.

“Why did you do this?” Taylor asked reaching out and smoothing his hand over my hair.

“Jarrod? Jarrod…” Taylor said his nostrils flaring at his name. “Jarrod did this?”

“It is just hair. It's not like he beat her up or anything,” Zac said. Zac definitely looked concerned that our joke had backfired so completely. “Tay, it’s no big deal.”

“It’s so short.” Taylor said a look of panic in his face. “It’s shorter than last time.”

“I like it,” Avery said watching Taylor carefully. I could tell that she was trying to sound happy and positive, but she really wasn't selling it. “Don’t you like it Taylor?”

“I think it’s cool.” Mac said. “You’re the only girl in our family with short hair.”

“I think it makes her neck look longer and her face seem thinner," Jessica said hugging me. As she pulled away from me, I could see an unnatural shine in her eyes. My beloved Jess trying to smooth things over, to make things right. She truly was blessed. “You are so pretty either way.”

“It’s just so extreme, but it’s nice.” Taylor said trying to smile. I could see an unnatural shine to his eyes. This was going all wrong. I thought that we would come in, everyone would freak out and then I’d pull the wig off and we’d all laugh hysterically. Instead, I could see Taylor sort of imploding, but trying not to.

“Of course, it’s nice.” Diana said leaning down to pick up the pieces of the broken mug. “Cleo is beautiful no matter what.”

“Yes, Cleo is the most beautiful.” Taylor said his face crumpling. As the first tear slipped beyond the rim of his lashes. He hid the tear by looking down at his injured foot. “Ouch, that really hurts.”

“Oh man, you’re bleeding.” I said kneeling down and looking at his foot. “It doesn’t look like it needs stitches. But I can see where a shard of the mug is lodged in your foot.”

“Can you get it out?” He asked still looking down. No one would have guessed there was anything wrong, except for the small catch in what he said.

“Yeah,” I said looking up into his face, completely taken aback by the tears swimming in his eyes. His blue eyes were shining so beautifully, but the pain inside was killing me. “We need to go to a bathroom where I can clean it out.”

“I can do that Cleo,” Diana offered placing her hand on his back and looking down into my face. I could see worry there. A worry for her son and for me. We were worrisome. I could see all of her misgivings and reservations about Taylor and I in the deepening lines on her face. “Baby, why don’t you go up to my bathroom?”

“I can do it, really,” I said sliding up under his arm. As he stepped on his hurt foot, he put a large percentage of his weight on me. “I can take care of him.”

“Wow, Cleo, way to make an entrance.” Ike said shaking his head. He had an amused smirk on his face, as if he knew something I didn't. I hated that he seemed to know or understand what was going on more than I did. "But then again, you always did have that edge of drama."

"How was that not nice?" Ike asked. "Come on, even you know she's a drama queen."

"Yes, hush," I thought as Taylor started hopping. Apparently it hurt too much to put any weight on it. To be honest, Taylor’s reaction was not what I had expected. I had expected him to look at me surprised and say reluctantly that he liked it, just like any good boyfriend. Then I would pull off my wig and we’d all laugh. But his reaction had totally thrown off the timing of the joke. As well as making me feel like some cruel bitch. “I wasn’t trying to make an entrance.” I mumbled as I supported Taylor’s weight up the stairs.

“It’s always real,” He said as we limped into Diana’s bathroom, the same bathroom where a month before Taylor had lovingly shaved my legs on the day of his birthday. But this time, I was taking care of him. I set him down on the toilet, before searching under the sink for all the necessary items. All of the things I could use to repair the damage done. If only I could find those things underneath Diana's sink. I rummaged through the first aid supplies, giving him time to compose himself, trying to ignore the soft sounds of tears behind me.

When I had the things I wanted, I turned and smiled at him before placing his bleeding foot on my knee. I gingerly cleaned the blood from around the cut. He flinched each time I got too close to the wound. I poured some hydrogen peroxide over his foot causing him to suck in air through his teeth. “God, that hurts.”

“I’m sure it does, it's pretty deep,” I said as I poured peroxide over a pair of tweezers. I had the sneaking suspicion that I was apologizing for the wrong ache. I pulled the gash open and grabbed the sharp edge of the porcelain, pulling it out quickly. I again poured peroxide in the wound. "I'm sorry."

"It always hurts." He whispered. I closed my eyes blowing on the wound gently, a trick I'd learned from Diana and all of the skinned knees she repaired over the years. I knew then that he wasn't talking about the cut on his foot.

As I opened the tube of Neosporin, I felt his hands on my face, lifting my chin to look at him. As soon as our eyes met, I felt the unstoppable rush of tears. I bit my lip to suppress the sob I could feel building. Hurting him was the last thing I meant to do. He smoothed his hands slowly over my hair. “My God Cleo, what did you do?”

“Nothing,” I said grasping both of his hands in mine. I shook my head feeling the soft swish of the short wig against my cheeks. "It's not..."

“No, not nothing. It's something... It's huge. It’s just looking at you like this…” He stopped mid-sentence. He looked away with his eyes closed, almost as if looking at me made him ache physically. “It’s so much like that day.”

“Tay,it’s not what you think…” I said reaching up and popping the clip holding the hair on. I pulled the wig off and handed it to him. “It’s not what you think at all.”

“We thought it would be funny for me to come back with short hair.” I said shrugging.

“Why would you think anything that reminded me of that day was funny?” He asked watching as I pulled out all of the bobby pins holding the stocking over my hair.

“I didn’t think it would remind you of that day.” I said as the separate twists of hair fell down against my shoulders. “And why do we always refer to it as “that day?” Why don’t we call it what it was, the day of Thad’s funeral?”

“Because in the end, I don’t think of it as that, as the day of Thad’s funeral,” Taylor said his voice so sad as he helped me untwist my hair. "It was really so much more."

“Well, then, what do you think of it as?” I asked sitting on the floor facing him. I rested my hands on his knees. There are times when I look at him and I wonder how someone so perfect fell into my life. This was one of those times. His cheeks were ruddy and his eyes glowed with emotion, but it was more than how he looked. It was the concern painted on his face. It was the way he telegraphed his emotions across his furrowed brow. I wanted to reach up and smooth the worry away.

“It’s so messy and so complicated to think of that day.” He said sighing deeply. He took my hands in his, his long fingers smoothing over the backs of my hands. He turned my hands up so he could look at the backs of them. His eyes focused on the diamond ring resting on my left hand. “There were so many emotions that got so messed up. Everything was in turmoil, none of us knew what was happening. But, I always think of that hot afternoon as the day I finally found you and lost you.”

“Because, I met you for the first time on the floor of your room.” I started to protest, but he shushed me putting his finger to my lips. "All of our lives, you had been strong and independent. Honestly, I think you probably even held Thad at arms length.”

“That isn’t true,” I answered shaking my head. “I loved you all, I loved Thad.”

“Loved yes, but you never let us know you.” Taylor said smoothing his cool fingers across my forehead. “But then in your most desperate moment, you reached out to me. To me! Do you have any clue what that meant? Probably not, but it was amazing. You let me in, all the way in. I found you there, scared, naked, alone… God, you were so lonely. I saw in your eyes what it would be to love you that afternoon. And I wanted in. I knew it would be hard and confusing and frustrating, but damn, I wanted you to love me so badly.”

“I did love you. I do love you.” I said choking on the lump in my throat. “You saved me that day.”

“How could you not know it?” I asked dumbfounded. I pulled my hands away from him and sat with my back against the bathtub. “Taylor of all the people in the world, all the people I could have reached for, I reached for you.”

“Did you reach for me?” Taylor asked. “Or was I convenient? Would that have happened if Ike had come up to check on you?”

“That is easy for you to say here and now,” Taylor said slipping off the toilet to sit next to me.

"Sex with Ike was never an option." I said grabbing compulsively at his hand. "Never, ever... Trust me!"

“Taylor, you have to believe me on this.” I said leaning my head against his shoulder. I sighed knowing this was not going to be an easy conversation. “That day was the hardest single day of my life. My memories of that day are… They’re so sharp and crystal clear I can just close my eyes and relive them. I hate almost every one of those memories. They hurt like nothing else. I can’t even describe how it feels. It feels like I’m slowly being crushed from the inside, all of my bones and organs turning to dust under the pressure of memories. But then, I think about you. I think of you coming to me in your dark suit, your long blonde hair tucked behind your ears and the hatred, the crushing pressure abates. It's like you stood in my doorway, the answer to every one of my desperate prayers.”

"You prayed for me?" He asked. I could hear the not-so-subtle note of skepticism. I totally understood where he was coming from on this. It felt like it was just luck that he was standing closest to Diana when she decided someone needed to check on me. It really was the purest of luck. Isaac would have been sweet and comforting, but it would have never occurred to him to do anything more than be a shoulder to cry on. And Zac probably would have panicked and run off looking for his mother. To be honest, Isaac might have too.

"I prayed for something, anything to help me escape the hell I was mired in," I said closing my eyes, imagining him as he had been that day. "When I saw you, I knew you were going to save me, be my shining angel. You would fix me and make me whole. And, you did."

"For that moment?" He asked. I honestly didn't know how to make him understand that at that precise moment, I needed him. Needed him more than I can ever explain. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to convince him of this truth.

"Yes, for that moment." I said sighing. My memory of the moment when I looked up to see him standing in my doorway was so sharp I can see the blonde hair stuck to the right lapel of his dark suit, so precise I remember the dusty scuffs on the toes of his church shoes, so impeccable I can still smell the subtle odors floating around him. I knew at that moment I would be fine, I would survive. "You were that one small kernel of hope I needed to make it through that day."

"What about the moments and days after that?" He said quietly. He had his fingers threaded through mine, our hands resting on his thigh. The late afternoon sun was shining in on us. The light shattered when it hit my ring. He gently moved my hand back and forth sending prisms of light around the room.

"Tay, there was too much missing for you to fix me." I said sighing. "Or at least back then. I had shattered into a million pieces. Pieces so small and so scattered I'm still looking for them, I'll probably spend my life looking for them... But that day, you were the initial glue to put the biggest chunks back together."

"Now, the holes aren't so massive. You are just the right shape and size to fill every little nook and cranny." I said smiling into his shoulder. "You make it so I don't need to find the tiny shards. If I find them, that's one thing, but with you, I don't have to go and look for them."

"I think a lot of the smallest pieces are under my skin." He whispered his voice just barely audible in the sunny bathroom. His voice felt like soft fingers against my skin. "Under mine and Zac's and Ike's and Jarrod's and everyone who loves both of you. Have you ever thought that maybe the reason you couldn't find these tiniest splinters is because we have them? We keep them because they are all we have left of him and of you... The you from before, the girl who wasn't broken."

"I hate how everything changed." I said, my voice as quiet as his. "Sometimes, I think I hate Thad for doing this to me, for dying. But I also love him with all that I am. And I miss him like no other. The only time thinking of him doesn't hurt is when I'm with you."

He grabbed me and lifted me up onto his lap, spooning me against his chest. He held me tight almost as if he were centering me amid the light that danced around the room, bouncing off my ring, the mirrors, the massive windows. I felt dizzy with the swirling light, with the overwhelming topic of conversation and with the closeness of my boy. We sat in silence, each of us lost in our private thoughts. My mind replayed over and over the moment. I can still see his face as clearly as I see it now, beads of sweat standing on his brow, his breath harsh and labored, his brow wrinkled with worry as I bit my lip in pain.

"No, don't." I answered my breathing heavy. I tried not to wince in pain, but it hurt so much.

"Yes," I said pulling him back down onto me. I kissed him, moaning into his mouth, hoping that it sounded like a moan of passion, not of pain. I was so cold, so cold. My mothers’ words three days earlier had frozen me. I had sat shivering on the sun porch wrapped in blankets bathed in sunlight. I was chilled to my core, numb to everything. I wanted so much to feel. "You are so warm. I need you to make me warm."

He grunted with his climax falling onto me. I wrapped my arms around him as he gathered me in his. He sobbed into my neck, his warmth leaching into me, chasing away the unbearable cold. "I love you so much..."

With those words, I took from him his warmth and his comfort such as they were. Whatever it was, it got me through the funeral. The sweat and the spunk defrosted me from the inside out. I sighed lightly, losing the syncopation of our breathing. What had transpired that day was essential to my survival. Even as I think this, I know how dramatic and desperate that sounds, but really it's so true. Taylor was as vital to me that day as the air I breathed.

And he has become that again. Now, he really was what held me together. Taylor was the mortar that cemented the clumsily joined pieces of me firmly together. “Cleo…” He said quietly running his fingers up and down my arm.

“Hmm?” I breathed. I could stay like this forever. Safely surrounded by Taylor on all sides. Nothing mattered in this place and in this space.

“Why did we…” He stopped short. I knew the question that was just behind his lips. And I was pretty sure that I didn’t have an answer that would ever satisfy him.

“Why did we what?” I asked. I snuggled even deeper into him, loving the feel of him. As I did, his hand moved into my hair. He pulled the mass of tight ringlets up to his nose and took a deep whiff of my hair.

“I love the way you smell.” He said smoothing the hair down over my arm, draping me in my own hair. He softly twisted my hair around his fingers gently tugging on it, then letting it go so it bounced back up into a ringlet. “You do know, that on that day, when I went in your room, I didn’t have sex in mind.”

“I know,” I said. I had always known that. Honestly, the whole episode came from me, stemming from my need to feel warm and whole. I wanted to tell Taylor that he was all I had ever needed or wanted, but for some reason, I didn’t think it would sound as sincere as it did in my head.

“I just want you to know that I never in a million years would have thought what happened would happen.” He said quietly. “But, I was so happy that it was with you. You were the only girl I ever wanted. You were the only one really.”

“Tay, you were thirteen what did you know about me being the only one?” I asked knowing that he would say that he always knew from the beginning.

“Cleo, I always knew it was you,” he whispered. His breath was warm on my ear. “Always and always and always.” I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against his shoulder, nuzzling into his neck. I loved how he smelled. He started humming softly, rocking my hand back and forth in the patch of sunlight, sending dappled light over my closed eyelids.

“That’s awesome, but how did that come about?” I asked sleepily. Last night did not include a lot of sleep.

“I came home and he just pretended like nothing had happened,” Taylor said shrugging. “I guess if he wants to pretend that everything is fine, I can accept that. Besides, he was working on a beautiful song when I got here and asked me what I thought… It was amazing, but just a little too much Ike.” I could feel him yawn. “Are you as tired as I am?”

“Mmhmm.” I mumbled. Soon, his humming had tapered off and I felt us sliding from our sitting position. The tile floor was cool underneath me, so I found myself snuggling closer into Taylor. “I am so tired.”

“Walk, honey… Bring your camera.” I hear Diana call from somewhere outside of my current state of consciousness.

Suddenly, the quiet dark behind my eyes was stripped away. “Damn Dad. What are you doing?” Taylor asked blearily. His voice sounded like he’d been asleep for quite a while.

“That was just the most precious picture!” Diana said as she checked out the shot on the screen. “You two look like puppies curled up together on a rug.”

“It’s 8:30, you’ve been up here about three hours.” Diana said sitting on the toilet and rubbing Taylor’s sleepy head.

“We decided that you two probably needed to talk, but when there was no yelling and no activity for so long…” Walker said shaking his head. “We thought maybe we needed to find you.”

“I think I could have slept straight through,” Taylor yawned stretching. “But dang, I’m starving! What’s for dinner?”

“Yeah, what’s for dinner?” I asked pulling myself up off the floor. I looked down at the sleepy boy at my feet.

“Cleo, you are always invited.” Diana said laughing. She stood up and hugged me. “I don’t think I tell you often enough how much I love you.”

“Let’s go feed my family.” Diana said patting me on the back. “And Cleo, I’m glad you didn’t cut your hair.”