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(I hate) Everything about you
Every time we lie awake |
Soon, we were all settled into our respective seats. A lot of the other people who had been booked on this plane had obviously opted for an early morning flight out cause the plane was basically empty. I slid into the seat next to the window and leaned up against the wall. Taylor reached for me to comfort me, but I just pulled away. He whispered, "I'm sorry," but for some reason that wasn't nearly enough. He could tell I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and he respected that. He held my hand gently as I cried. Soon, everyone was settled into his or her seat, the lights dimmed and the plane began to taxi. The overhead announcements of the flight attendant weren't even a blip on my awareness.
It was going to be a short flight, besides which, it was 2:15 in the morning, so Diana and Walker spread the kids across several seats after take off. Soon, the plane reached cruising altitude and all the seatbacks all around us were leaned back. The plane was a symphony of sleeping people. My eyes were glued on the dark ground far below. Every once in a while, there would be a lighted homestead breaking up the black blanket of ground. But even the houses with lights on looked like they were in a sort of twilight. Somewhere between the awake and asleep world, a place where there were no dreams, no nightmares and most important of all, no dead brothers. I envied those sleeping below.
"Cleo, I didn't know you were awake. "Taylor said leaning in close to me. I looked at his face filled with concern and worry and felt guilty for being so wrapped up in myself. "I would never purposely hurt you."
"I know," I said trying to smile. After all, it wasn't his fault, any of this. "It's just so hard to hear those things."
Taylor just nodded, knowing that I had studiously avoided any and all mention of just how Thad died. My mother and father had pored over the details of his death. My father could tell you down to the milliliters how much fluid he had in his lungs, how much his healthy young heart had weighed, which of his many viable organs were donated and maybe not to whom, but they knew where. His eyes went to someone in Wichita, his kidneys to two different people, one in Dallas, one in Oklahoma City, his heart had made the long journey to someone in Indiana, his skin was literally spread across the country and his strong tendons were helping those weaker than him have new lives.
In the end, I just wanted him back.
The number of lives he saved or made better was no consolation to me. And thinking about how he died just about did me in. Thad, who was going to the Olympics, world-class swimmer, incredible athlete, had drowned. And no one could ever say why. No one could ever give me a good explanation how someone with so little water on his lungs died. Jarrod had really never gotten over his death. He really had blamed himself. He had sobbed to me telling me that Thad came out of the river blue and no matter how much CPR Jarrod did Thad never started breathing again. He always thought that everyone blamed him, thought he hadn't tried hard enough to save him. But I know that isn't true. Jarrod loved Thad. This simple fact was without question. Jarrod would have moved heaven and hell to have his best friend still alive.
I sat watching the black flowing away beneath us as tears just streamed down my cheeks. I felt like I was trapped in a situation where no one would ever win. It was all so circular and always brought me back to this point where nothing could ever be right. Thad was never coming back and Isaac may have caused irreparable damage to his and Taylor's relationship.
I wondered if maybe in one of those oasis of light someone whose life Thad had made better lay sleeping, alive and healthy, dreaming the dreams of the untroubled. Or perhaps there was someone who was finding the strength to continue on as they listened to the ache in Taylor's voice. With each breath, the window steamed just a little. When did my life get so messy and so complicated? I just wanted to be a simple girl, in love with a simple boy, living a simple life. But, that would never be my lot in life. I felt a tear roll off the end of my nose and land with a plop on my t-shirt.
"Cleo," Taylor breathed quietly.
"I know you only want to help, but can we please just be quiet right now?" I pleaded. How could I share any of my thoughts and emotions when they were so confused? His face fell the tiniest bit before he fell back into a smile.
"Okay," Taylor said the grip on my hand never loosening. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it softly." I love you."
"I love you too." I said squeezing a little to reassure him it wasn't a question of love, but that I just needed some space. I leaned my forehead against the wall and closed my eyes taking a deep breath. The minutes passed slowly, but sadness always makes the minutes longer. For some reason, the words "however slowly sadness goes..." kept playing over and over. I turned to Taylor and tried to smile, tried to reassure Taylor. He smiled half-heartedly back at me. "I wish you really could make this better."
"I would if I could," he whispered. We sat staring into each other's eyes. Each of us lost in our private sadness, mine for what was lost and his for what he could never replace. After a few moments, I closed my eyes and just let the tears flow silently down my cheeks. No loud and flashy show of emotion, just tears. "I wish you would at least try to sleep."
"I'll try." I said leaning my head against the wall again. My one link to reality was the gentle pulsing pressure of Taylor's hand over mine. I really don't know how much time was passing, it could have been moments, it could have been hours. It didn't feel any different to me.
"Tay, can we talk?"Zac asked squatting down in front of him. I felt the subtle pressure of his hand on the edge of my seat as he steadied himself.
"Isn't that what we were doing in the airport?" Taylor asked sardonically. Taylor's sarcasm level rises about fifty points when he gets frustrated or upset. To tell the truth, I was pretty frustrated myself.
"Tay, can I ask you a huge favor?"Zac asked ignoring Taylor's snotty tone's also must have recognized Taylor was pretty justified, because usually smart-ass remarks elicited equally nasty responses.
"Sure, but Cleo won't bear your children." Taylor said squeezing my hand and looking at me hopefully. I tried to smile and I must have been successful, cause I got a smile back.
"Cleo, you look like shit," Zac said looking at me for the first time.
"Thanks," I answer swiping at my wet face." You don't look so fantastic yourself..."
"I look fabulous as always," Zac said swiping his hair out of his sweaty face. He winced as he moved his hurt hand." It's not my fault that I even look impeccable when injured..."
"You look stoned." I said sighing.
"You look stupid..." Zac said a wicked smile on his face. I'm guessing he thought this was about to become an insult-a-thon.
"Zac, don't." Taylor said shaking his head. I know that at one time I said Taylor wasn't my knight in shining armor, but I was wrong. A single tear broke free as he squeezed my hand.
"What's wrong?"Zac asked a look of concern on his face.
"Nothing," I said my breath hitching in my chest.
"She was awake in the airport." Taylor said quietly.
"Oh Cleo, I'm so sorry."Zac said putting his hand on my knee." That had to be hard."
"It was…" I began but broke off when a new wave of tears threatened to choke me. I swallowed hard. "I'm feeling better though."
"Good, but you still look like shit."Zac said leaning forward and pulling me in an awkward hug. Somewhere in front of us and to the right I heard Diana's voice float back to us with the warning about language. "Sorry Mom."
Soon, I had the bulk that is Zac Hanson sitting in my lap, his long muscular arms wrapped around me. He planted wet and messy kiss on my forehead." Zac, you weigh a ton…" I said grunting as he shifted.
"No, I don't, I weigh 4 pounds more than Taylor." Zac said wiping my cheeks off with his t-shirt.
"Why does it feel like 40?"I asked knowing that trying to push him off my lap wasn't going to do me any good at all.
"Zac, what did you want?" Taylor asked sounding annoyed. I looked over and saw a shadow of something in his eyes. Taylor could smile when he felt like crying, make his face an unreadable mask, but his eyes always gave him away.
"Okay," Zac said resting his head on top of my head. "I'm not quite sure how to ask this…"
"Fine, then don't." Taylor said shrugging.
"Tay, I'm serious."Zac said sighing." This is hard."
"What is it?" Taylor asked matching Zac's sigh.
"Would you tell Isaac that you're sorry?" Zac began slowly.
"Are you high?" Taylor asked, loudly. By the way he jumped, I could tell his voice came out louder than he meant it to. "That is NOT going to happen..."
"Shh!" Zac shushed along with several others.
"What you are asking is ludicrous," Taylor said angrily. "No matter what his "imagined" injuries are, I will not apologize to him."
"In the airport you said you'd do whatever it took to make things right again," Zac protested.
"Within reason," Taylor snapped back. "And apologizing for things I have no control over is not reasonable."
"Tay, this is just so ugly and I think if you don't break the ice and just say sorry, this will never be resolved." Zac said rubbing at his head as though it hurt just to think about what was going on.
"The thing you don't seem to get is that I did nothing wrong." Taylor hissed between clenched teeth. "I did NOTHING."
"I know that, but at this point, someone has to be the bigger man." Zac said sighing and leaning even more heavily into me.
"Well, he started this shit, he can end it." Taylor said crossing his arms over his chest.
"Tay…" Zac started shaking his head.
"What? Am I being unreasonable?" Taylor demanded.
"Maybe a little," Zac said quietly.
"Damn straight! He is the one who attacked…Why should I tell him I'm sorry? And sorry for what?"
"I don't know…" Zac said trailing off. "I honestly don't know."
"Well, when you figure it out let me know." Taylor said harrumphing and crossing his arms over his chest.
"The thing is, I don't think even he knows what the problem is." Zac answered. His frustration became a sort of defeat.
"Well, everyone sure had lots of ideas in the airport." Taylor said. I watched him sitting with his arms crossed over his chest. He was so defensive. Until he calmed down a little bit, Zac was not going to get through.
"I just think..." Zac began.
"No, you aren't thinking!" Taylor said quite loudly. I could see Jessica stirring in the row directly across the aisle from Taylor.
"Taylor, lower your voice." Walker's bass voice floated back to where we sat.
"Sorry Dad," Taylor said before turning more towards where I sat with Zac in my lap. "I can't believe you would even suggest that I apologize! I haven't done anything...Well, other than being born!"
"Well, maybe he blames you for having blonde hair and blue eyes and being prettier than any man has a right to be." Zac said shrugging. "I mean it's just not right that you look so much like Kate Hudson."
"That isn't even funny." Taylor said his face blanching white. Zac had finally crossed the line from making a good argument into just plain pissing Taylor off. I knew it was time to intervene before things got too out of hand. I could see Taylor taking a deep breath to start either a very long or very loud response to Zac's last statement.
"Tay, don't get mad at me, but I think Zac may be right. Well, not about the Kate Hudson comment, but about everything else." I said reaching out and smoothing my hand over his arm. I looked into his eyes shining not with tears but with anger. I smiled. "Well, you are prettier than any man has a right to be... I mean, you're prettier than me, but that isn't the point any of us are trying to make. This is now a question of not just making things right, but finding a way to move beyond all this hate."
"That's not even funny." Taylor said shaking his head.
"I know it's not, often the truth isn't funny." I said squeezing his hand. "Really, none of this is even slightly amusing."
"No, it's not." Zac said quietly, his head falling back onto my shoulder. "This is not funny at all."
"So, maybe if you made the first move to make things right..." I said running my fingers through Zac's messy hair.
"But, I didn't do anything." Taylor said again but with a lot less force. "The things he was saying don't even make sense to me. I can't control any of this…"
"I know baby," I said grabbing his hand again.
"The thing is this," Zac began, "Isaac knows he's wrong, but he will never admit it."
"But, I haven't done anything." Taylor said one more time.
"You haven't done a thing, but Ike will never admit he was wrong." Zac said shrugging.
"But why me? Why are you coming to me?" Taylor asked.
"Because you really are the one who can see the bigger picture here," Zac said. "Ike is way too inside himself and his anger right now."
"You sound like a record company executive." Taylor mumbled deep in thought.
"Well, you sound like a whiny brat, but I'm not calling you names." Zac said swinging his feet up onto Taylor's lap and stretching out. "I mean, really… You've been such a baby the last couple of days."
"Screw you Zac," Taylor said without much force.
"Zac, what is your problem?" I asked getting angry for Taylor. "Why are you attacking him too? Don't you think what Ike did is enough?"
"I'm sorry," Zac said shrugging. "It's just this is so serious…This is everything. This means everything. I tried to get Ike to apologize and he just won't."
"Again, we return to the question: what do I have to apologize for?" Taylor said through clenched teeth.
"To be honest, I don't know." Zac said shrugging.
"Then what the fuck is the conversation even about?" Taylor said a little too loudly for comfort. He wasn't angry, just frustrated. I expected Walker to be standing at the end of our row at any moment. "This is so fucking irritating…"
"Tay, honey, don't get mad..." I said holding his hand. "I think that maybe just telling him you're sorry he feels like that may be enough."
"No way," Taylor said.
"Mom was right...Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, swallow your pride." Zac said shrugging.
"Great advice you're doling out," Taylor said his eyes narrowing. "But would it be such great advice if it were you?"
"It's like I said, sometimes, you just have to be the bigger man."
"I'm always the bigger man," Taylor said sitting up straight, accentuating his height.
"It's true you are way too tall for your weight and you have that freakishly large head," Zac began. "But for right now, I'm talking about being bigger emotionally."
"Zac, you have to know I have no control over ANY of the things he's pissed about." Taylor said shrugging. "I have no control over how the world perceives me or us or any of that."
"I know that and he knows that…" Zac began.
"Well, if he knows that, then he can come to me and tell me he's sorry." Taylor said pushing Zac's feet off of him.
"Taylor, can you just think about it?" Zac asked a note of pleading in his voice. He had hauled himself back up to his feet after a flight attendant walked by and asked him to return to his own seat to prepare for landing.
As the plane descended, I watched Taylor closely. It was his turn to be lost in his thoughts. His eyes were focused on a horizon that was far away, far beyond my ability to see. I longed to see what it was that he could see so far away, but I knew that it wasn't for me to know or understand. I reached out and grasped his hand that was resting on his thigh. He looked at me surprised, almost as if he were surprised to find me still sitting next to him. I smiled a sort of half smile at him, never hoping to have the smile returned.
But there on his lips lay the barest ghost of a smile.
"I'm so sorry." I whispered leaning in close.
"So am I." He whispered back, planting a soft kiss on my lips.
"What are you going to do?" I asked as his misty eyes rested on me.
"Probably what's expected of me." He said sighing. I laid my head on his shoulder, soaking in the heat radiating from underneath his t-shirt. As the planes wheels touched the tarmac, I felt him sigh. Perhaps for the first time in his life he wasn't happy to be home. I put my hand on his chest and felt the thump of his heart as it raced along. I wanted to help him, to tell him everything was going to work out and be okay.
But I felt helpless.
I had a strange and sudden insight into how he felt. He hopefully will never understand what it is to lose a brother and I will never know what it is to fight with mine. Still, I wanted to help him. I wanted to make all the hurt go away. I squeezed his hand knowing that for me, that little pressure helped me to remain grounded. I wanted to be there for him completely, but I would never understand how he felt. He sighed again.
"And what is that?" I asked breathing in his scent. Loving the idea of taking him in with each breath.
"What?"
"What is it you are expected to do?" I asked looking into his enormous eyes. His bangs had slipped in front of his eyes again; I reached out and moved them away, my heart breaking at the sadness reflected in his eyes.
"Tell Ike I'm sorry." Taylor said as he hauled himself up off the seat, fishing around in the overhead bin for our stuff. "I'll just suck it up and tell him a lie."
"It may be the only way to maintain any sort of peace." I said accepting a couple of our carry on bags.
"The thing is that I don't know if he'll believe a word of it." Taylor said grabbing my hand as we walked up the gangway. "I know if it were me, I wouldn't believe me."
"You have a valid point," I said sighing. I looked up at the familiar "Welcome to Tulsa" sign and was so happy to be home. I smiled at Taylor so happy we were back where we belonged. He sighed again and looked down the hallway towards the exit. I could feel the dread for what was waiting for him. "It's very confusing, but valid."
"Taylor made a valid point?" Zac asked catching up with us.
"Zac, I would say I was sorry, but Ike will know that it's totally disingenuous." Taylor said stopping. "I think an insincere apology would be worse than just ignoring the situation."
"True," Zac said a look of disappointment on his face. "There has to be something... Would you at least talk to him?"
"I can do that." Taylor said shrugging. "I can talk to him."
"Good," I said giving him a one-armed hug. "That's all any of us can ask..."
We started down the concourse again. It's almost comical to compare the size of our tiny little airport with the likes of JFK or even St. Louis. Soon, the hallway that leads out to baggage pick up came into view. As the familiar penguin adorned in planets and stars came into view, Taylor tensed.
Leaning against the wall as far as he could come without a ticket was Isaac. He stood there holding Emory's hand and staring at his feet. Zoë screamed out his name and ran towards him.
"Hey, baby," Ike said leaning down and rubbing her hair and planting a kiss on her forehead. "Are you glad to be home?"
"I am so happy." Zoë said hugging Emory with all her strength.
"Hey Mom, Dad," Isaac said his eyes dropping back to the floor.
"How is your house?" Diana asked giving him a hug.
"It's everything I wanted it to be." Isaac answered quietly. He was remarkably subdued for someone who should be turning cartwheels. "Em and I love it."
"It's beautiful," Emory said her eyes shining. "Cleo, I can't wait for you to see it. The kitchen alone is as big as my apartment in Dublin."
"I simply can't wait." I answered smiling. But the smile soon disappeared as Isaac looked up at me. His eyes were enormous and sadder than I think I’ve ever seen them. "How are you Ike?"
“I’m good, never better." Isaac said but definitely didn’t mean. "And you?”
“Ike…” I began, but suddenly Taylor pulled on my hand, pulled me away from the group.
“Cleo, can I talk to you?" Taylor said pulling me away from the where his family was congregated.
“Of course,” I said following him as he dragged me towards the front doors.
“I can’t do it." He said leaning in close. "I can’t talk to him yet.”
“Tay, it’ll only get harder." I said putting my hand under his chin.
“I know, but I just can’t pretend that it’s okay.” Taylor said shrugging. He turned away from me and looked out the window. I couldn’t see Tulsa, but I could see the glow from downtown. “Cleo, what he did is not okay…”
“I know baby." I said coming behind him and looping my arm around his waist. “I can’t even imagine how you feel.”
“Can we just go?" He asked. His voice sounded so young and so unsure. “Can’t we just go home?”
“Yes,” I said nodding.
"Zac man, grab mine and Cleo's bags." Taylor said hurriedly as he grabbed my hand tightly.
"Dude, you HAVE to talk to him." Zac said shaking his head.
"I will, just not tonight." Taylor said as he starting walking away from where his family stood. "She's been through enough today without adding another scene on top of it."
"Tay, wait…" Zac called as Taylor dragged me out the doors and into the cool Tulsa evening.