And all my fears have pushed you out

Sympathy

Stranger than your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
And I wish for things that I don't need
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees
Oh yeah, everything's all wrong, yeah
Everything's all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was

I'm killing myself from the inside out
And now my head's been filled with doubt
And it's hard to lead the life you choose
And you can't see when all your dreams are coming true
Oh yeah, it's easy to forget
And you choke on the regrets
Who the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
We're all the empty things disguised as me

The food disappeared quickly with all of us eating. I don't remember ever being that hungry, but then again, I usually ate more than once a day and usually long before 10:00 pm. I watched amazed as Taylor managed to put away not just two, but three quarter-pounders with cheese. And, I think Zac and Taylor managed to devour at least 5 super sized orders of fries between them. As we finished the food, Walker walked over to us and sat facing us.

"Bad news guys," Walker said. "There's a storm in Atlanta, our plane still hasn't left..."

"It means we'll be here for at least 3 more hours." Walker explained tiredly. "So, do we want to stay and wait for our plane or do we want to go to a hotel and sleep here and get a flight tomorrow morning?"

"I know, but we won't be home until at least 2:00." Walker said knowing if there was a choice about home or a hotel: the choice would always be home.

"I don't care," Zac shrugged. "Anyway, Mac and Zoë are already asleep. Jess and Avie aren't that far behind…"

"Speaking of home," Walker said rubbing the back of his neck, "are you still planning on having Cleo drive you home?"

"I don't think she could drive me home and then drive back into Tulsa." Taylor said as I yawned enormously.

"No way am I driving all the way to Bixby tonight." I said fighting to keep my eyes open. "Heck, I may just sleep at the airport."

"I'll just drive her home." Taylor said quietly as he guided my head into his lap. "Anyway, I don't really want to spend that much quality time with Isaac."

"Tay, you're going to have to talk to him eventually." Zac said quietly. I felt Taylor shrug.

"Ike was talking about setting up separate travel arrangements for he and Emory," Walker said sighing.

"Yeah, he said it’s because he doesn’t think spending his honeymoon with his family on a bus is very romantic" Walker said a note of true sadness in his voice. “But still, that just doesn’t ring true to me.”

"You don't think he'll really do that, do you?" Taylor asked his fingers weaving a pattern on my shoulder.

"I don't know…" Walker said quietly. "I guess what I don't get is where all of this came from..."

"I have no clue," Taylor said sadly. I noticed Zac didn't have anything to offer or to add to the speculations. If I'd had enough energy I would have opened my eyes to see the look on Zac's face, but I could feel myself sliding off towards sleep. "Dad, I swear I had no idea any of that was going to happen today."

"I know son…" Walker said tiredly. I could tell he was close to tears, but fighting them with all of his might. "I don't think any of us thought this would happen. I'd have bet good money nothing like this could happen."

"Things will work out, they just have to." Zac said sighing. All of them sounded so tired. I wanted to just comfort all of them, but that would require that I sat up. I tried to say something, but all that came out was a sort of moan/snuffle.

"I think she might be," Taylor said pulling out the pen holding my hair up. I felt my hair tumble against my neck. "She has been feeling a lot of pressure lately. I think she blames herself for a lot of Ike's issues today."

"Well, she shouldn't." Walker said. "His problems with you and Cleo aren't what's causing all this. I hope that isn't really part…"

"Walk, honey," Diana called softly from where she sat with the kids surrounding her, "Could you come here for a minute?"

"Coming," Walker called over his shoulder. "Anyway Tay, please don't let this get you too down." I could hear Zoë crying from over where I'd set her down.

"Walk, really, Zoë needs to be taken to the restroom." Diana called a note of urgency in her voice.

"A father's fun is never done." Walker said from a much higher place. "Zoë, honey, don't cry. Daddy will take you to the bathroom…"

After Walker left a silence descended on this small collection of the Hanson clan. I could hear the soft beeps and bloops of Zac's Gameboy, Jessica's soft chatting on her phone, the almost recognizable humming of whatever Avery was listening to on her headphones. But Taylor and Anne had fallen into total silence. And it wasn't a comfortable silence.

The silence stretched longer and longer like a long silken ribbon. But instead of gently surrounding us, it was practically choking us. Soon the quiet was complete and profound, even the soft sounds of an airport in the small hours of the morning seemed to have dimmed to nothing. I could feel the tension mounting among Taylor, Zac and Anne. I was just about to sit up and start a new, non-Isaac centered conversation, but quickly lost that urge. The desire was killed when I heard Zac sniffle. This was all so bad. Taylor had spent much of the day in tears. Walker was almost in tears when he left to take Zoë to the restroom. And now, Zac was crying.

"I'm great, just having an allergic reaction to the air conditioning." Zac said snuffling again.

I sighed deeply as Taylor slowly unraveled the twist I'd put my hair in. He made a quiet hushing sound. With my eyes closed I wasn't sure if he was hushing me or Zac and Anne. He was softly separating my hair into curls. He sighed again. I recognized it as a sigh of true sadness. He took a deep breath. "Zac, can I ask you a question?" Taylor said quietly. I could feel his fingers softly arranging my curls against my neck. The subtle twist and weave of him wrapping my hair around his finger and then making perfect ringlets. It was so soothing. I was so close to sleep.

"Did you know how Isaac felt?" Taylor's voice was so soft and distant. He gently laid another ringlet across my cheek.

"Not really." Zac said. I could hear the shrug in his voice and the distaste for the subject. "Or at least, I didn't realize how deeply his feelings ran."

"So, you had an idea about this?" Taylor asked. The heartbreak in his voice was so thick I could practically taste it. My poor Tay, he loved Isaac so much. He looked up to him, all of this anger had to be tearing him apart.

"Frustrated? With what?" Taylor asked his fingers gently following the ringlets across my face and down my neck.

"Just…" Zac started and quickly stopped. I heard him open his mouth to say something and then close it again. This went on for quite a while before he finally sighed. "Tay, please can we not talk about this?"

"Zac, I just want to know what to think… I need to know how to make this better." Taylor said softly. His voice sounded so much like it had in my room after Thad's funeral, soft pleading tones, trying so hard to make it all better. "I would have fixed this long ago if I'd known about it."

"I don't think it is something you could have fixed." Zac said sniffling loudly. Why is it that sadness always has its own voice? Why is it when someone is truly sad their voice always takes on foreign tones?

"But has this been going on for a long time?" Taylor asked frustration in his voice. I could feel how powerless he felt. The frustration mounting as everything seemed to spiral so completely out of control. "Did you know this was coming?"

"No," Zac said, his voice cracking in that way it does when he lies. And from the tears. "Yes. Kind of."

"The thing is that in the last couple of months, he's been expressing a lot of frustration." Zac said hesitantly. I could feel that he was completely reluctant to share his information. "I guess it's because there is so much focus on you…"

"Tay, don't play dumb." Zac said tiredly. Now it was his turn to be frustrated. I could hear the exhaustion in his voice. He was past the point of just being tired. That explained the tears and the short temper. "You are not that dumb, so quit playing that game."

"I'm not playing anything." Taylor snapped back. He hated when people called him the lead singer, but having Zac point this out was probably killing him. He really didn't consider himself the "star" or the "lead," that was the label others pinned on him. "I don't want to be the focus, I never have."

"But you have to know that you are, you have to see that." Zac said his voice didn't have any of that patient quality Diana's had, nor any of the quiet assurance of Walker. His breath hitched in his chest before he could continue. "You can turn on a computer as easily as I can. There is no way you could miss that there are tons more posts about you and your fashion disasters than about Ike and I combined. Hell, I could walk into Nordaggio's naked and pose for all the teenies and I still wouldn't get the net space you do."

"But I don't want that," Taylor said slowly. He really didn't. The notice, the acclaim, that's all just extra. They had little or nothing to do with the music, the real reason why Taylor did any of this. It was his undeniable love for the music and performing that kept him going day after day after day. There was nothing he loved nearly as much in this world and to be honest, I was totally okay with that. "I just want to play our music."

The silence stretched longer this time. When Taylor finally did speak, his voice was hesitant, almost as if he didn't really want to hear the answer. "Zac, will you promise to tell me the truth if I ask you something?"

“Do you resent me too?” Taylor asked his voice small and quiet. I hated to hear him so unsure of himself.

"Not really, I'm happy that you get more attention, but Ike…” Zac stopped mid-sentence almost as though he was completely reluctant to finish his thought. “Ike wants to be noticed too."

"But he does get noticed, loads of girls love him." Taylor said under his breath.

"Yeah, I know." Zac said ruefully. "I know this is going to sound strange, but part of what bugs him is how completely everyone hates Cleo..."

"What?" Taylor asked. I almost found enough energy to lift my head and question that logic as well. Isaac had to know how hard it was for me to be so hated. He couldn't possibly want that for Emory.

"The thing is this: the teenies hating Cleo shows how much they actually care about you." Zac said. "They can't even be bothered to hate Emory."

"It is, but for some reason it's how he is thinking." Zac said his voice muffled. He had his hands over his face, hiding behind his fingers and hair.

"I think it was Cleo's announcement that she wants to get married on Christmas day." Zac said his voice a shrug, again.

"So, all of this is because Cleo finally set a wedding date? But he said he was over Cleo." Taylor said sounding completely confused. "What does my wedding have to do with anything?"

"I really don't know." Zac said. "I don't know why he flipped out, really. But I'm pretty sure that he didn't plan that."

"I really don't think he did either." Anne said suddenly cutting into the conversation.

"Well, from what he said to Emory, I don't think he had a clue any of that was going to happen today." Anne said very slowly almost like she was exposing a secret she'd been sworn to keep.

"You heard him talk to Emory?" Taylor asked his voice getting breathy. I could tell that he was getting close to tears again.

"Yes, actually, he came into our room, right after Zac slugged the wall." Anne said quietly. "He came in and was crying."

"Ike was crying?" Zac asked unable to hide the awe in his voice. Isaac was a really wonderful and loving guy, but he was stoic, very much so. He was easy to laugh, but slow to cry.

"He said that he had no clue where all of his anger came from." Anne said her voice shrugging with her shoulders. "He told Emory that he had no idea why he said any of the things he said at the studio. I don't know what he said cause he didn't go into those details, but he did say he wouldn't be surprised if Tay never spoke to him again. I can't imagine it was all that bad, but…"

"Oh, it was that bad." Zac said. I could hear him rustling around. In my minds eye, I could see him rubbing his face with his good hand. "He has complicated everything beyond any sort of… Unless of course, you can forgive him for his stupidity."

"I can forgive him. I love him." Taylor said his voice barely above a whisper as he traced his fingers along my neck. "Did he say anything else?"

"Not really," Anne said sighing deeply. I could hear the soft clicking sound of someone chewing on fingernails. "Is she really asleep?"

"Can't you hear her snoring?" Zac asked. They all chuckled softly, as Taylor traced his fingers down my arm.

"He did say some things I didn't understand, but I have the feeling they would really hurt her." Anne said quietly. She sighed heavily. The silence was short, but profound. I realized I was holding my breath waiting for whatever Anne was going to say. But to be honest, I knew if I made any sort of indication I was awake this conversation was over.

"Oh boy," she said under her breath. "The thing is that it'll hurt Taylor as well."

"I don't care, tell me." Taylor said. I felt the subtle flexing of the muscles in his thigh almost as if he were preparing to be slugged.

"Just say it. It'll be easier to hear if you just say it all at once." Taylor said his fingers gripping my shoulder.

"Okay, he talked about some stuff I didn't really understand..." She said softly.

"Some people I don't know... Jarrod and Thad, maybe?" She said hesitantly. Man, Ike was going way back... He must have an entire set of emotional baggage to unload on me. Or, was it Taylor?

"That actually explains a lot." Anne said. "Cause then he started ranting about a funeral and the day Zac got sick. Really, I didn't understand any of it. Mostly, it was about the day Zac's appendix burst."

"Yeah, so? She kissed Ike and Zac. I know all about it. And to be honest, that is lame, cause it's me that she stayed with." Taylor said his voice defensive.

"Lay off Loveboat," Zac said jumping to her defense. "Just cause you fell in love with a woman who doesn't know what she wants."

My eyes flew open at that comment. What was wrong with Zac? I wasn't sure where this sudden attack of asshole came from, but there it was nonetheless. He almost seemed to be relishing in hurting Taylor and I. Either that or he was really much too tired to have any sort of rational conversation. This is something we've all learned. When Zac is completely exhausted, he tends to start stupid, petty fights. Best just to not talk to him.

“Nothing.” Zac said suddenly thinking better of sharing, or over-sharing as the case may be. “Never mind.

“Tay, I’m really tired.” Zac said yawning. “It’s nothing… I just need to shut up before I put both my feet in my mouth.”

"Not in this lifetime...” Zac said. It was almost as if he realized the ramifications this conversation could have on a lot of people. "The thing is whatever happened, happened. Talking about it now won't change it. Dude, I’m sorry I even brought it up.”

“Fine, but don’t think I won’t ask again.” Taylor said a pout in his voice.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” Zac said yawning again. “You are my most annoying sibling.”

“Well, maybe not.” Zac answered. “I mean, you don’t tell me to pick up my shit on the bus.”

“Why would I?” Tay asked his attention returning to the curls on my neck. “That would mean I needed to pick up my stuff too and why would I want to do that?”

“See that’s the beauty of being in a band with brothers who are so close to the same size,” Zac said in a very condescending tone. “You can always find something semi-clean to wear. And Ike and Tay’s taste in music doesn’t suck completely.”

“But wouldn’t it be better to just know where your own things are?” Anne asked.

“You must be an only child.” Taylor said. “Cause if you had as many brothers and sisters as we do, you would know that there is no such thing as your own things.”

“So, you’re an only child.” Zac said sighing, his breath still catching in his chest. But he sounded much happier.

“Sure,” Taylor said shifting under the weight of my head. I was pretty sure his leg had to be asleep.

“How did Cleo’s brother die?” Anne asked quietly and uncertainly. “Was it totally unexpected or what?

“Thad died in a freak accident.” Zac said very softly. “He and Jarrod went swimming like they had a thousand times before. Jarrod said he dove off the high dive and just never came up.”

“When they did his autopsy, the coroner said his lungs weren’t all that full of water and he was such a strong swimmer.” Taylor said. “It was so unexpected and so horrible. No one is ever prepared for a death, but this was so senseless and so brutal to those left behind.”

“Cleo has never gotten over it.” Zac whispered. I felt his hand on my head. I knew it was Zac cause I knew where both of Taylor’s hands were. Zac smoothed his hand over my head so softly and so gently. “I love my family, but Thad was Cleo’s family. They loved each other so much…”

“I love my brother,” Anne said her voice soft and fading. She was getting tired too.

“But they were twins and they were always together.” Zac said. “Thad was supposed to go to Boy Scout camp once, but at around midnight, he called his dad and said he HAD to come home. When he got there, he just went in and slept on the floor of Cleo’s room. They really were two halves of the same person.”

“We didn’t know if she was gonna make it.” Taylor said. “She was so broken and so sad… I just wanted to fix her, to make her whole again.”

“Tay that wasn’t your job.” Zac said in a comforting tone. “Only Cleo can fix herself.”

“I know, but I just love her so much.” Taylor’s voice let me know that the tears were dangerously close to making a return appearance. “Watching her hurt makes me just ache all over. I just want to…”

“Okay Dad,” Tay called back. “Cleo, baby, it’s time to get on the plane.”

“Alright,” I said sitting up. I quickly rubbed my hands over my eyes, wiping away the tears there. Taylor grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it gently. I looked into his eyes and tried to smile, but I just couldn’t. I felt my face crumpling in tears.

“You were awake, weren’t you?” Taylor said more of a statement than a question. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry you had to hear that.”

“No, it’s not. I know how much it hurts you to even think about that time in your life.” Taylor said as he shouldered my bad as well as his. “But I mean it, I want to make your life perfect. And that is what I plan on doing.”