So condescending unnecessarily critical

Harder to Breathe

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to funkin' tread the ground I'm walking on

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster
that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause
it's getting harder and harder to breathe

I sank into my seat on the back row of first class with a sigh. It had been the longest day ever. The list of things to do and places to go had been extensive. On top of all of that, we had to figure out a way to fit all of Taylor's things into his suitcases. That was all after sitting in a police station for two hours. By the time I left the police station, I had changed my mind again about pressing charges against Katie and Sarah. I had again found my compassion for them. They were just fans who were trying as hard as they could to get close to their hero. I actually felt bad for them again. I did write in my statement that I hope they didn't get in very much trouble. I even suggested the charges be dropped. Taylor wasn't very happy about that, but it was my decision to make. As Taylor slumped into the seat next to mine, he sighed as well. It had been a very long day for both of us. "Come here," he said reaching for my hand. He quickly lifted up the armrest so he had unfettered access to me. He draped a blanket across both of us. "Is that okay?"

"Tay, I'm so tired," I said as he pulled me tight against him. He snuffled into my hair, his breath catching in his chest long, long after his tears had dried. Sighing, he placed kisses on the top of my head. "I want to go home and never leave again."

"I know baby, I know." He said quietly into my hair. "Today has been just plain hard."

"I don't want you to be a rock star anymore, okay?" I said relaxing for perhaps the first time since that morning. I breathed deeply the scent that was uniquely him, pulling my feet up onto the seat next to me. I felt warm and contented all curled up like a cat. I think if I could have, I would have started purring. Ah yes, first class is the only way to fly. "Can't we just be normal people for a while?"

"Okay, I'll tell Zac and Ike I quit." He said. Even with my eyes closed, I could feel the smile on his face.

"I think that has already been covered." I said quietly without any irony at all. My voice trailed off, I would be asleep before the plane even took off at this rate.

"Oh, oh yeah." He said his voice barely above a whisper. "You've had a long, hard day. Why don't you just go to sleep?"

"Mmm…" I managed before allowing my breath to even out. It had been long and hard. And it had been emotionally punishing as well. Poor Taylor was amazing me, yet again. I think his day had been the worst by far and here he sat comforting me. I wanted to be strong for him, but I was so tired. I felt myself drifting towards the land of nod, my thoughts going straight to what had happened earlier that day.

Isaac laughed his comments off, said he was joking. I sat open mouthed watching Ike just totally laugh off all of the truly nasty things he had said and implied. He had ripped Taylor and then he said he was just kidding? I was not buying it. He had meant every word of it. Our conversation in the roof garden made so much more sense now. Zac and Taylor both had completely confused looks on their faces. But I knew that every comment he'd made was deadly serious. And so did Taylor and Zac.

"What the fuck was all that?" Zac demanded as they came offstage after singing an acoustic song. "What were you thinking saying that?"

"Oh come on Zac, you know that Taylor loves being the center of attention!" Isaac said as we all stepped into the dressing room. "He thrives on it."

"Oh please," Isaac said snatching up his guitar case and throwing it open. "Hasn't this always been about what you want?"

"No Taylor, no one wanted this as much as you." Isaac said. "And no one is allowed to want the spotlight even for one second when you're around."

"Don't what? Don't speak the truth?" Isaac said turning on Zac. "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"No Zac let him go." Taylor said his eyes narrowing. "What are you talking about, Ike?"

"We get to meet the Rolling Stones, the Rolling FUCKING Stones and guess who hogs the spotlight the entire time!" Isaac said placing special emphasis on the expletive. "Cleo, you want to guess why there isn't a pic of the three of us with the Rolling Stones up at h.net?"

"Isaac, please… Don't." I said shrinking back behind Taylor. "I don't want to hear this."

"But Zac, you were the one who was going off when Taylor spent the entire time chatting with Mick." Isaac said his voice had taken on a very reasonable tone. But it was still dripping with malice. "Didn't you say something about drugging him and leaving him in the hotel room next time we got invited to anything cool, cause he just had to be the center of attention at all times."

"I'm just paraphrasing, but I think I've come pretty damn close to an exact quote." Isaac said smiling a very shark like smile.

Zac closed his eyes and sighed. I could see that nothing about the upcoming conversation was going to be good or beneficial in any way. Zac shook his head and took another deep breath. "Tay, it wasn't exactly like that."

"I just want to say that both of you are enormous assholes." Taylor said in a very modulated voice. I could practically feel the defeat radiating from him. "First, Isaac, how dare you do that on television. Second, I can't believe either one of you would ever think that."

"Tay, when I said that, it wasn't about you, but about how people react to you." Zac said moving towards Taylor and I. "The way people react to you and are drawn to you isn't your fault."

"But, how do people react to me?" Taylor said. I clutched his left hand in both of mine. He was shaking he was so upset. I closed my eyes and prayed that they would both back off.

"Oh please, don't act stupid 'cause you're not." Isaac snorted in derision. "You have to see how people practically fall over themselves to get your attention, your approval."

"I don't see it like that at all." Taylor said shaking his head. He was so sad and so quiet as he said that, I wanted to cry. "I see that same reaction from people towards both of you."

"Do you really and truly believe that I want all of the attention?" Taylor asked, his voice small and young. He sounded so unsure of himself, something Taylor wasn't.

"Yes, I do." Isaac said standing up straight and looking directly into Taylor's eyes. "You loved that Regis and Kelly were more interested in you and Cleo's marriage than mine."

"You know what?" Isaac said as he strode over to the door. "You are a total liar. You fucking thrive on being the center of attention at all times. Emory and I could climb into bed with Mom and Dad to have sex and they wouldn't notice, but you and Cleo are out of the room for 30 seconds and Mom is asking where you've gone."

"That is not fair." I said feeling all of the muscles in Taylor's back tense. It felt as though he were preparing for a physical assault. I wrapped my arms around Taylor's waist and I could feel how fast his heart was beating. I could feel the heat radiating off of him. "Tay has nothing to do with the fact your mom is overprotective…"

"But she's not that way with any of the rest of her six kids. Not even with Zoë. Only with Taylor!" Isaac said. "Don't you get it? He demands attention. He practically requires that every person in a room stop and pay attention to him and only him. I watch it everywhere and in every situation. He probably even believes the stories that we only got a recording contract because of him. Because of his amazing voice...."

"Isaac, dude, stop before you say something you regret." Zac said stopping Isaac with a hand on his arm.

"Look, he has nothing to say and no way to defend himself." Isaac said pointing to where Taylor and I were standing. "Fuck this and fuck him. I'm so out of here. Emory and I are on an earlier flight than the rest of you and I just can't wait to get as far away from you as possible."

"I do mean it." Isaac said angrily. "I am sick to death of being in this joke of a band. I feel like I'm just background to Taylor and I am so tired of it. I refuse to allow Emory to be marginalized and pushed to the background by you and Cleo."

"It's almost finished, we have tour dates lined up." Zac said trying to reason with Isaac.

"I'll finish the album and I'll do the tour, but after that no promises." Isaac stopped and shot Taylor a glare filled with loathing. Now I was able to put my finger on the look Isaac had been giving Taylor this morning. It was a look of growing hatred. With that he ripped the door open, practically tearing it off it's hinges before slamming it so hard the framed picture of David Hasselhoff fell from the wall and shattered. The silence in the room was oppressive and heavy. Zac watched Taylor with enormous eyes. I could feel Taylor's breath hitching in his chest. He grabbed at my arm, his fingers digging into the flesh. I slid around to the front of him so I could look into his eyes.

Taylor's eyes looked as scared and vacant as mine had felt in those days after Thad's death. There was an emptiness there that I recognized. It was shock. I put my hands on either side of his face and directed his face towards mine. His eyes searched my face looking for something, but he would never find it where he was looking. As he looked into my eyes, I felt his body almost seizing in its attempt to control itself. He opened his mouth to say something, but I felt his stomach lurch.

"Zac, help me," I said sliding under his arm. "I think he's going to throw up."

"Okay," Zac said sliding under his other arm. We dragged Taylor into the bathroom, literally. I lifted up the toilet seat just in time. "Here." Zac said handing me a handful of wet paper towels.

"Thanks," I said taking them and putting them on the back of his neck. I sat helplessly rubbing his back and smoothing his hair back from his face. After he had emptied his stomach of the little bit of food in there, he started to dry heave. I knelt on the floor next to him tears in my eyes. Zac sat on the floor with his back against the door. Soon, I realized that he wasn't dry heaving, but sobbing. "Tay, baby…"

"Shh, it's okay." I said falling back against the wall. Soon, I was sitting on the floor with Taylor curled up in my lap like a baby. "It's okay, just cry."

I looked over at Zac sitting against the door. He had his knees up his elbows resting there, his hands over his face. "Cleo," Zac said from behind his hands.

"What?" I asked cradling Taylor in much the same way he'd cradled me the day of Thad's funeral.

"I know." I said smoothing Taylor's hair back from where it was sticking to his face. His eyes had a strange far away look; it was the vacant look on my face from the weeks/months after Thad's funeral. "But I'm not the one you need to apologize to."

"I know." Zac said leaning his head back. His cheeks were moist like he had just wiped tears away. "This is bad. So much worse than I ever thought possible."

"I want to go home," Taylor said his voice soft and broken by his breath hitching in his chest.

"No, I want to go home to Tulsa." He said sniffling. "I want to go to the airport and just go home."

"We have to go back to the hotel and pack." Zac said his voice very soft and sad.

For the first time since we'd gone into the bathroom Taylor's eyes seemed to lose their fuzziness. "Why did he say that?"

I didn't now exactly where I was as I startled awake. But the stale recycled smell of the air made me realize it was an airplane. I took a deep breath and loved that I was surrounded by the smell of Taylor. I was about to open my eyes when I realized he was asleep too. I moved to find a slightly more comfortable position and his arm tightened around my shoulders. I felt so warm and safe in his arms. A few rows ahead, I could hear Zoë telling Anne a very complicated story that involved Taylor, brownies and a huge mess that Taylor got in trouble for. In the row across the aisle I could here the soft whisperings of Diana and Walker. I swear I heard my name several times. I was trying so hard to hear what was being said, I didn't notice that Taylor's breathing had lost its deep sonorous quality. "Are you awake?" Taylor muttered.

"Okay." I said letting my thoughts just glide softly along the surface of my brain. At these times I often find myself reliving my day. But this time I know the right things to say.

We stepped out of the elevator and walked towards the hotel room. Taylor had a grip on my hand that made Zac's handshake feel gentle, but I knew he was very scared about what was coming. Isaac had returned to the hotel at least 3 hours ago and Zac 2 and a half hours earlier. Walker and Diana had probably heard the story of the entire episode already. We stopped in front of the door and looked at one another. I opened my mouth to say something, when the door was yanked open. A very relieved Walker stood before us.

"Oh baby," Diana called rushing into the room. She ripped him out of Walker's hug, practically ripping my arm out of the socket since Taylor didn't let go of my hand. "How are you?"

"Zac told us everything." Diana said holding Taylor's face in her hands. "Are you sure you're okay baby?"

"Yes, I'm sure." He said trying to smile at her, but I could see that his eyes were ultra shiny. He had found his composure fairly quickly at the CBS studios, but in the face of his mother's unadulterated concern, he was starting to crumble again. He was such a Mama's boy, but I mean that in the best sense of the word. He loved her wholly and completely and she knew just how to get the truth out of him. I loved watching how special their relationship was. "I just never knew he felt that way."

"Taylor, he doesn't feel that way at all, I think the problem is he feels like Emory is being shunted aside and ignored." Walker said squeezing his shoulder reassuringly. "I think he just feels like Emory needs to be defended."

"But Dad, none of what he had to say was about Emory, it was about me." He said quietly. "I don't think he likes me very much."

"No, Mom, I don't think he does." Taylor said biting the inside of his mouth. I could see how hard he was trying not to cry. "You didn't hear the things he said to me."

"Zac told us son," Walker said guiding his wife and son towards the couch. I stood just inside the door feeling very, very uncomfortable. This was a private, family moment. I guess the argument could be made that I was Taylor's family, or would be one day. But this conversation at this moment had nothing to do with me. It was about Isaac and Taylor and their relationship as brothers. "I should have known immediately that something was wrong. He acted so strangely on the show this morning."

I reached out and slowly began to push the door shut behind me. Taylor was once again in tears on the couch. Diana had huge tears streaming down her cheeks; I could tell her heart was breaking. That was the one thing I knew she was always proud of, that her sons, her whole family really, have always gotten along. I listened as Diana softly comforted Taylor. He had been doing a lot better, but in the face of his mother's comfort... I pushed the door into his room open. I might as well start packing his stuff; I was going to be recruited to help him anyway. I stared at the surprisingly clean floor.

"Hey, where is everything?" I asked Zac who was lying on the bed. His eyes were closed, but the minute I said anything, they flew open. "I'm sorry; were you asleep?"

"Not really," He said an enormous yawn almost drowning the words. "Anne and Jess helped me pack everything."

"Why would they do that?" I asked sinking onto the bed next to the one he was lying in. Jessica is the single sweetest human being in the world, but I can't imagine her volunteering to help Zac pack up the mess that had been in this room. Three weeks of accumulated Taylor was even a lot for me to fathom cleaning up. And poor Anne! I had horrific images of her finding dirty, discarded boxers everywhere. I don't think she signed up for this duty.

"Because, I think I broke my hand." He lifted his hand up to show me his hand wrapped in an ace bandage covered in ice. His mouth twisted into a crooked smile.

"It was totally stupid," he sighed. "I was so mad by the time I got back here. I overreacted..."

"Not really," he said wincing as he sat up and put pressure on his hand. "When I came into the room, he was all pissed still and slamming Taylor's stuff around. I told him to calm down. And he told me that I was a hypocrite."

"He what?" I asked feeling my eyes get wider. Of all the things to call Zac, hypocrite was probably the worst. He prided himself on being honest, brutally so. His pet peeve was people who felt it necessary to say one thing and act another way. Really, Zac doesn't care who you are or what you do, as long as you own up to it. "You're kidding right?"

"Cleo, do you think I'd have my hand wrapped with ice on it if I were kidding?" He said swinging his feet around onto the floor and sitting up. He and I sat facing one another, our feet touching. "I just came unglued when he said that..."

"No, but I put a fairly large hole in the wall right next to his head." Zac said nodding his head towards the door behind me. I turned and sure enough there was a fist-sized hole in the drywall. "When Mom and Dad heard us yelling, they came running in… The whole story just rolled out of me. I even swore in front of mom."

"Well, my Mom was really, really angry." Zac said reaching out and grabbing my hand. "For a second, I actually thought she was going to slap him."

"Yes way," he said nodding his head. In all of my memories of being with the Hanson family, I don't ever remember any of them ever being slapped, smacked or spanked. "My mom was livid. She was so pale. My dad just stood there for a minute and then asked him if he meant those horrible things he said. Ike shrugged and said he didn't, not really."

"Then why did he even say them in the first place?" I asked. I knew deep in my heart that Isaac hadn't meant a word of what he'd said. I also realized he knew just how hurtful and effective the words he said to Taylor were. He had known exactly what he was going to say and how he was going to say them. He chose his moment perfectly. He had prepared fully for this attack and it was a total surprise. Taylor had no defense. "He had to know how bad they hurt Taylor."

"Oh, he did." Zac said flinching as he adjusted and moved his hurt hand. "When my Mom and Dad confronted him, he broke down and cried. He told them he was sick of being second best. He said that for once, he wants to be the center of attention. And if not him, then Emory at the very least. But, no such luck. You realize his wedding is in 2 weeks and yet, people are clamoring to see your ring, to hear about your wedding plans."

"He has to know that Taylor and I don't want that sort of attention," I said shrugging.

"We all do," Zac said another enormous yawn almost blurring out his words. "But on some basic level, Isaac is still a hurt little boy who loves you and can't understand why everyone else is so fascinating to you."

"Oh no, not at all." Zac said tiredly. "But, the fact remains he has loved you forever and you've loved everyone else, but never him. He sat on the bed and broke down. Emory put her arm around his shoulders and he just sobbed... He said he was tired of being shunted aside. He said Taylor gets everything that he wants. Not what Taylor wants, but what Ike wants. Taylor has the respect, the voice, the talent and you."

"Zac, he has to realize that Taylor has no control over any of that." I said rubbing my eyes. There was an ache starting just behind my eyes. This was going to be one hell of a headache. "How does he suggest Tay control what other people think about him?"

"Cleo, it is so much more complicated than that." Zac said shaking his head. "These feelings he's having have been growing inside him for a long, long time. It's less about who Tay is than it is about perception. Taylor has never put himself forward. He doesn't ever talk in terms of "I," but always as "we." This truthfully is about the fact that he feels inferior to Taylor, but I can't figure out why he'd feel that way. He's so amazing in his own right."

"I know that and so does Taylor." I said feeling myself getting defensive on Taylor's behalf. "Isaac is just amazing in so many ways, his musicality, the way he hears a song and knows just what it needs... Not to mention his almost boundless compassion. He is one of my all-time favorite people; he is just so wonderful and loving. I don't think I've ever heard him be mean ever... Until this morning."

"I know he is so much like my mom in so many ways." Zac said shaking his head. Zac was just as confused about all that had happened as I was. It was so out of character for Zac. "Cleo all I know is that he's hurting and I'm not sure why."

I sighed, a deep heavy sigh. I wasn't just tired, I was exhausted. All of this emotional wrangling was just too much for me. Why did he pick now to bring this all up? Was this how he was exhibiting his cold feet? How did Emory feel about all of this? "What did Emory say to all of that?"

"She didn't say much," Zac said lying back down. "She just quietly packed his things and looked really, really sad. I guess it kind of hurts finding out you've come in second."

"But, she so didn't come in second or any other thing like that!" I protested. I stood up and walked towards the sliding glass doors that opened out onto the balcony. I noticed that in the closet were still a bunch of clothes. "Are these Taylor's?"

"Umm, yeah..." Zac said his voice a little slurry. "Anne and Jess couldn't figure out how to get all of his clothes into his suitcases."

"How much did he buy?" I asked running my hand along a startling collection of beautifully made dress shirts in various colors and cloths.

"Cleo, have you ever been shopping with him?" He asked his voice sounding more and more sleepy as the moments passed.

"Yes, of course I have." I said shrugging. My mind wandered back to a hot and sunny August day when we stole out of the hotel in Alabama. But really that day wasn't the first time we'd gone shopping. I smiled as I thought of all the trips to the Goodwill and other thrift stores we'd made. There was this shop in Los Angeles that specialized in vintage rock memorabilia where we'd spent hours and hours. He hated to go shopping or at least, he said he did. But once we got out there, he usually caught the spirit.

"Well, then you know that if he really likes a shirt he buys a couple." Zac said. "And he found a bunch of different shirts he loved."

"Ah yes, the stain king." I said gently pulling the shirts off the hangers to fold them. Some of the shirts still had the tags in them.

"For someone who has such a major tendency to wear his food, I'm not sure why he buys white shirts." Zac said his voice coming from somewhere other. "But, if I remember correctly, as he was buying them he did mention that you'd love them."

"Because he looks so sexy in white cotton shirts." I said looking over at Zac. He was watching me, but his eyes were far away. "Zac, did you take something?"

"Yeah, my mom gave me a pill for the pain in my hand." He said his jaw slack. "I'm going to see your dad tomorrow morning about my hand."

"Oh, it is, I heard it snap." He said his eyes drifting closed. "And it really, really hurts. You must have a really high threshold of pain."

"Why do you say that?" I asked trying to force more clothes into Taylor's suitcase.

"Cause you've been broken so many times and you never seem to need anything for the pain." He mumbled.

"Hey, so, you broke your hand?" Taylor said as he walked through the door. His cheeks still ruddy with emotion. Zac who was almost asleep jumped at Taylor's voice.

Even in sleep, I could feel the plane descending. It's that subtle pull right behind my stomach, letting me know I was moving downward a little too fast for my safety or comfort. I stirred, wiping at my mouth; I prayed I hadn't left a puddle on Taylor's new jeans. "Hey sleeping beauty!" Taylor said from above me. I had managed to wriggle down so that my head was in his lap. "You must have been having some wild dreams because you kept saying very strange things in your sleep."

"Like what?" I asked groggily as I sat up and stretched. All of my vertebrae snapped back into place with an astounding crunch that made Taylor cringe.

"You were talking about shirts and broken hands." He said shifting around in his seat. It must have been uncomfortable with my heavy head on his lap. "You have a very expressive face in your sleep."

"Where are we?" I asked watching the lights of an unfamiliar city glowing outside my window.

"St. Louis," he said popping his seatbelt. He leaned forward and gathered our bags up from under the seat. "I think we have a fairly long layover here."

"Yeah, why?" I asked standing up. I looked around and saw a bunch of very tired looking Hanson's. Jessica turned and smiled at me, she was already on her phone with her best friend back in Tulsa.

"Cause Ike is coming to the airport to pick everyone else up and I'd rather not have to ride back with him." He said shrugging.

"Don't you think he and Emory will come back to my apartment?" I asked walking down the aisle. As I passed the row Zoë had been sitting in, she grabbed my hand. I stopped and turned so she could climb on my back. Piggyback rides being my specialty, especially since Taylor had all of our bags. Anyway, Zoë had a tendency to get very, very sick in airplanes. This necessitated the administration of heavy doses of medicine to combat motion sickness. So she often had to be carried off of planes. Right now, it was okay, but soon she'd be too heavy. Then, the act of getting her off of a plane would involve a sort of dragging/herding activity. I can remember a few times trying to herd Zac after a flight. Not a pretty sight. But mostly, not an easy task.

"Naw, since their house is finished, they're going to stay there tonight." He said shrugging and struggling under my bags, his bags and now Zac's bags. Zac was pretty out of it, whatever Diana had given him was really knocking him on his butt. So, Taylor had three backpacks and a guitar.

"Okay," I said smiling. He smiled back, leaning in and giving me a kiss. "But you get to face your mom's wrath over this."

"No wrath," Taylor said as we walked up the gangway into the airport. "I actually already told my parents I'm staying with you tonight."

"Really?" I asked adjusting Zoë. She was pretty heavy and really tired. Her arms were hanging straight down and her head was heavy on the back of my neck. She snuffled leaving moist spot just below my hairline and took a deep breath that sounded astoundingly a snore. She was completely asleep again. The Dramamine hadn't even begun to wear off. "How long is our layover?"

"About 2 hours," Zac said catching up with Taylor and me. He yawned enormously. "Dang! Zoë is drooling on you."

"I am fully aware of that," I said as we walked along the concourse. Walker set his load of bags down in front of some seats 4 gates down from the one we had just deplaned from. He turned and strode off down the nearly empty hallway. I think he mumbled something about looking for some food. "I thought you of all people would know how good it feels."

"Lay her down here," Diana said flopping into a seat. I turned around and felt someone lifting her off my back. "Cleo, how is it Zoë has all these siblings around and you end up carrying her?"

"It's cause she loves Cleo," Jessica said slumping onto the floor in front of her mother.

"Well, she should love you too." Diana said running her fingers through Jessica's honey blonde hair. "Maybe someone else should carry Zoë from now on."

"I don't mind carrying her," I said looking around. There were no other benches to lay on, Zoe and Mac had the only benches. I sighed.

"Well honey, you shouldn't have to carry her, I have six able bodied children who can definitely carry her." Diana said smiling as she smoothed Zoe's hair back.

"Well, I'm going to be her sister soon." I said finding a spot over by the windows where I could collapse.

"Very true," Diana said smiling as Avery dropped down onto the floor next to Jessica. She was in her element surrounded by her children. "Okay, you can carry her whenever you want."

"Sit up, you goofball," Taylor said standing in front of me. I pulled myself into a sitting position as he dropped all the bags in front of me.

"We all are, it's been a long, long day." He said sitting next to me his back against the window.

"I know," I said resting my head against his shoulder. Soon, Zac and Anne joined us leaning up against the window. "I don't know how much longer I can stay awake."

"Well, I hope you stay awake long enough to eat something." Walker said as he walked back up to us. In his arms he had several bags from McDonalds. I heard a moan escape Taylor and Zac. "Hey, it's either this or you starve, cause the inbound flight hasn't even taken off from Atlanta."

"Wow, that really, really sucks," Taylor said as he accepted the bag his father handed him.