Just put me in a wheelchair get me to the show...

I Wanna Be Sedated

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh
I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no

Just put me in a wheelchair and put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no

Taylor and I arrived at the venue in record time. The limo drove straight to the stage door and we rushed inside. Taylor had definitely missed any opportunity to do a sound check, because the first band had already taken the stage. In fact, it sounded like they were winding down. The stage manager came rushing over to us and grabbed the front of Taylor’s jacket. “Dude, I hope you can go on without any sort of warm up or sound check, cause you have about 20 minutes before you go on.” The man dragged both of us down a hallway. I noticed the names of several bands posted on the doors that were quite literally flying by. “I was starting to worry that you really weren’t going to show… That would have been bad, the headliners just not showing.”

“Sorry, it couldn’t be helped.” Taylor said as we stopped in front of the dressing room with a hastily penned Hanson sign. “But I’m here now and everything will be just fine. So, how many more bands before we go on?”

“You’re next.” The man said as he pushed the door open. We stepped into a fairly small dressing room, filled to the gills with the Hanson family.

“Oh.” Taylor said quietly. He looked at me and shrugged. I could feel my face pinking up. His lips cocked up into a half-smile, he leaned down and whispered directly into my ear. “Wow, we fell asleep for a long time.”

“We fell asleep.” I mumbled. I lifted my head and met Diana’s eyes. She tried to smile, but there was a disappointment there I just couldn’t deny. Suddenly I had images of Taylor and I standing in front of her announcing they were going to become grandparents, without the benefit of marriage. In that one moment, with that one announcement, we would be confirming all of their worst fears. The disappointment would be even more overwhelming. I realized that she was watching me, expecting me to say something, anything. I took a deep breath and stepped into the breech. “I… we… the thing is…”

“Hey, where’s Zac?” Taylor asked, his hand tightening around mine. I looked up into his blue eyes and saw my protector riding again to my rescue.

“I don’t know; he was just here.” Walker said looking around as if counting his kids. “That’s weird.”

“I have to find a bathroom.” I said pulling my hand away from Taylor and turning back towards the doorway. “Do you know where it is?”

“Thanks.” I said pushing the door open and taking off the opposite direction of the bathroom. I found a door marked “maintenance” and was happy to find the handle turned easily. I was about to walk in when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned and saw Taylor standing there.

“Nothing, I just needed a moment to collect my thoughts.” I said smiling at him.

“So, you aren’t trying to duck out?” He asked a look of relief washing over his features.

“No. No!!” I said realizing what he was asking. “Not at all. I was just… I was totally thrown by how late we were. I mean, we were in my room for over 5 hours…”

“Yeah, my dad said he had been trying to call for the last 3 hours.” Taylor said leaning up against me. “We gave each other quite a workout…”

“I know! And I swear when your mom gave me the “I’m-so-disappointed-in-you” look, I thought I was going to faint.” I said sliding my hands into his back pockets.

“Cleo, you aren’t pregnant.” Taylor said smoothing the curls around my face flat.

“And if you are, we’ll deal with it, like I already told you.” Taylor said softly. “And look at it this way, we can tell our firstborn son that he was conceived during the hottest sex ever…”

“Son? I think our firstborn will be a girl.” I said taking a deep breath and loving the smell of him mingling so completely with the smell of me. I loved the idea of us being combined into one. “I think it will be a girl with gorgeous blond hair and big blue eyes…”

“No,” he said between kisses on my neck. “She will have thick, curly, dark hair and big black eyes… And she will be so smart she scares even me.”

“Sounds adorable…” I said tipping my head back so he had unfettered access to my neck.

“So, I thought you were collecting your thoughts.” Taylor said his hand sliding up under the black cashmere tank top.

“Want to come in here and help me?” I said cocking my head towards the closed door behind me.

“Maybe we should duck in here and see about the pre-show hummer?” I asked running my hands down his chest and stomach, coming to rest on his belt buckle.

“Okay,” Taylor said reaching around behind me and opening the door. We stepped through the doorway and found ourselves in a dim room filled with the smell of floor polish and wet mops.

I was about to make some snappy quip back when I heard a moan from the back of the closet. Taylor heard it too because his eyes were suddenly enormous. “What’s that?” I whispered directly into his ear.

“I think the question is: Who?” Taylor murmured into my neck. “I think we’ve found my wayward younger brother.”

“Zac?” I asked craning my neck to see where they were. “But who is he…”

“Anne!” We both mouthed at the same time. I clapped my hand over my mouth to hold the wicked case of the giggles in. Taylor and I both stepped farther into the room very carefully and very quietly. And lo and behold, before us were Zac and Anne both in a state of semi-dress. Or maybe they were semi-nude? All I can say for sure is that neither one of them had on a shirt and Zac’s belt had been unbuckled.

“No, the bra stays on.” She said her head dropping back as Zac moved his lips along her neck, following the ridge of her collarbone.

“Because I said n…no…” she said her voice catching. “And really Hanson, the whining isn’t very sexy.”

“I don’t know about that. Look at all the girls who adore Taylor and he’s a master whiner.” Zac said. It was his turn to drop his head back as Anne administered to his neck. She ran her tongue along his jaw line. “And my hell, how did mister sensitive get a woman like Cleo?” I felt Taylor start to move forward, but I grabbed onto his arm first. I shook my head. He pulled his eyebrows together and made an angry motion towards Zac. “I think I would hate to be Tay tonight…”

“Cause he and Cleo are going to get a major talking to when they finally arrive.” Zac said softly. “My mom is so mad right now.”

“That doesn’t matter.” Zac answered his voice soft and punctuated by his heavy breathing.

“Well, no one seems to have anything to say to Ike and Emory.” Anne said her voice muffled in Zac’s hair.

“I know, but with Taylor…” Zac stopped and stood back a little. “The thing is that my mom has always worried more about Taylor than any of us.”

“Why do you think that is?” She asked her hands pulling Zac back up against her.

“Because… He acts before he thinks. He is the classic case of someone who thinks it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission. He has horrible judgment. He makes the worst choices of anyone I’ve ever met.” Zac said.

“And Taylor has always been the delicate one.” Zac said softly. “He is fragile, physically and emotionally. If any of us are going to get sick, it will be him. If anyone is going to be hurt, it’s him. And really, he is such a surface person…”

"No, not shallow, but his feelings and emotions are so close to the surface all the time…” Zac stopped. I could almost hear the wheels in his head searching for the right words. “It’s like he wears his heart on his sleeve. And people like him are always getting hurt.”

“Hey, why are we talking about Taylor?” Zac asked grabbing Anne around the waist. “I came in here to do things with you I can never tell my mother about.”

"Zac, just shut up and kiss me then." Anne said wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling him tight against her.

"That was what I was planning on doing..." Zac said as he moved his lips to meet hers. Taylor and I watched as the kissing became more and more intense, but every time Zac's hands moved too close to the promised land of her breasts, she pushed his hands away. "Please..."

I looked at Taylor; he was closely watching me. "What?" I whispered into his ear.

"Never." I whispered back. I was inspired to gently nip at his earlobe. He pulled away with a gasp.

"You naughty, naughty girl...” He chuckled evilly as he attached himself to my neck.

"Listen!" She hissed. Taylor and I had frozen where we stood when she had shushed Zac. Both Taylor and I stood locked in each other's arms literally quaking with suppressed laughter.

"I just heard someone... over by the door." Anne said quietly. In fact, her voice was so quiet we would have never heard her except I think both of us were holding our breath.

"Of course you can't, your hearing is completely damaged from all those years of playing drums." Anne said. It was her turn to sound annoyed.

"It is not." Zac protested his voice at a normal level for the first time since we'd stepped into the closet.

"Hanson face it, you're deaf." Anne said her voice at a more reasonable volume, but sounding more than just a little irritated.

"No you can't." Anne said, her voice sounded muffled like she was pulling her shirt back on. "But heaven forbid you admit that you have any flaws..."

"Classy Hanson." Anne said sarcastically. "It must kill you to have such a perfect brother..."

"Oh please," Zac snapped. "Ike is a major dork and well, Taylor is so screwed up in so many ways… In fact, I would lay money on the fact that he’s dead when he gets here."

“Okay, you two…” Taylor said coming around the corner. “I think you two just need to admit how much you like each other. I mean my hell…”

“How long have you been there?” Anne asked her face blanching in the feeble light.

“Long enough to know that both of you are so hot for each other, it is practically driving you both to complete distraction.” Taylor said draping his arm over my shoulder.

“You are pathetic, you know that?” Zac asked angrily. “Your girlfriend won’t give you any trim, so you have to watch me and my… my…”

“Whatever,” Taylor said sighing. “And I think you would be amazed if you knew how wrong you were.”

“About everything.” Taylor said shrugging. “Mom does not worry about me more than you or the rest of the kids…”

“Jesus Tay, are you stupid?” Zac asked. “Since we started all of this shit, Mom has done nothing but worry about you. I mean, was it me or Ike who ended up in the hospital being force-fed? I don’t think so.”

“Ah, so Cleo doesn’t know about your hospital stays?” Zac asked cocking an eyebrow. “Well, Cleo, my dear, I have lots and lots to tell you…”

“Yeah, well, you are also wrong about mom and dad being pissed.” Taylor said shrugging again. “They weren’t anything like pissed.”

“Whatever, Dad was saying he was going to wring your neck.” Zac said stepping right up into Taylor’s face. “So, don’t get too comfortable, I’m pretty sure there will be some hell to pay.” He stopped, sniffing Taylor. “Nice cologne, what is that? Eau de Cleo?”

“Shut up Zac.” Annie said from behind him. “Why do you have to be so crude?”

“Crude? I’m just stating a fact.” Zac said leaning in towards me and sniffing. “And you just STINK of Taylor.”

“Now who’s jealous?” Taylor asked grabbing my hand and turning towards the door. “Let me just tell you this: It was well worth being late.”

“Probably not.” Taylor said opening the door to the closet. “I’m thinking Dad will probably be looking for you.” As we stepped out into the hallway, Walker came around the corner. “Hey Dad, are you still looking for Zac?”

“Yes, I am…” Walker said looking behind him. “ Where did you come from?”

“Umm…” Taylor said looking at me with huge eyes. “We were looking for somewhere to talk and ended up in that closet, where you will find Zac.”

“Talking, huh? Didn’t you have enough time to “talk” back at the hotel?” Walker asked a serious look on his face. I must have had a look of sheer horror on my face when he said that, because he started laughing. “Cleo, your face is priceless. Diana might not think this whole situation as funny as I do. But dang, you look like a deer caught in the headlights.”

“That is so not funny Walker!” I said laughing. He walked over to the door and ripped it open only to expose Anne and a very guilty looking Zac kissing. “Zac, you are so busted.”

“Well, considering you’re going onstage in about 10 minutes, I was looking for you.” Walker said trying not to laugh. Walker put his arm around my shoulder and started back towards the dressing room. “What is it with New York that just gets my sons hormones raging?”

“I don’t know.” I answered putting my arm around his waist. “I just don’t know.”

“You are my favorite future daughter in law…” He said kissing me on my forehead. As we walked through the door where everyone else was waiting, Walker gave me a squeeze. “Okay, is everyone ready?” There were lots of “yeses” and even a few “woo hoos.” “Well, then, what is everyone waiting for? Let’s go to the stage…” We all filled out of the room towards the backstage area. We came to the point where we had to leave the boys behind and find our seats. “Good luck boys.”

“Thanks Mom.” Isaac said kissing Emory and turning towards me. “Buddha, are you ready?”

“Okay, okay.” I said putting my hands on either side of Isaac’s face. “Buddha says: Play like Jonny Lang and sing like no one else.”

“Buddha says: Don’t get sick again! And cut Taylor some slack…” I said smiling.

“But I think it might be good for you to tell him.” I whispered back. “I don’t think it would kill you to tell him you love him once in a while.”

“Maybe… But the shock of what I was saying might kill him.” Zac said hugging me. “Dang, you REALLY smell like a sweaty Taylor. He’s lucky to have you, you know.”

"Yes, he is damn lucky.” I laughed reveling in his strength and his life. Almost losing him had been pretty much the worst era of my life.

“Alright you two break it up.” Taylor said pulling Zac off of me. “I need to get a little bit of Buddha’s wisdom.”

“Aw Tay, you get her wisdom all the time.” Zac said smiling. His face was so happy and content and mellow.

“So, Buddha, what do you have to say to me?” Taylor said leaning in close to my ear.

“Buddha says…” I stopped looking into his eyes, literally falling into them. “Buddha has nothing to say to you, cause you are perfection achieved on earth. You are my nirvana.”

“I’ll meet you after.” I said kissing him one last time before ducking through the side door. When I stepped out into the main ballroom, I was assaulted by a wave of sound. I squinted into the semi-darkness looking for Diana and the family. I saw Jessica standing on a chair waving her arms over by the sound booth. I wound my way through the crowd towards them.

As I approached them, the auditorium went dark. I turned to see a man striding out on the stage. “Okay ladies and gentlemen, the act you’ve all come to see! The band that we’ve all been waiting for!! Hanson!!”

The crowd began to cheer tentatively. Almost as though they expected someone to come out and tell them it was all a joke. Before the lights dimmed completely, I looked around at the beaming, beatific faces of the young women surrounding me. This was a moment they had all been waiting for and to be honest, I had been waiting for this as well. Peppered throughout the audience were a myriad of signs, I noticed the lion’s share of them said something about being glad that Zac was better. And to be completely honest, that was the first thing I thanked God for in every one of my prayers.

The hush that descended over the Hammerstein Ballroom was eerie and punctuated by the hissing sound of many girls whispering to their neighbors. In the semi-darkness of the lighting board, I met Diana’s eyes. In them I saw mirrored the apprehension I was feeling. How would they sound after not playing live for almost 8 months? Would Zac be able to play the entire 40 minutes they had planned? What would the audience think of the new songs? Diana reached across the seat Zoë was standing on and grabbed my hand.

“I know, they always have.” She said squeezing my hand. She placed a kiss on the back of my hand. “They always do… But I’m always so nervous right before the show.”

“Better you than them.” I said watching as the bobbing flashlights directed the boys to where they needed to be. I realized after a few moments, I was holding my breath.

“What is taking so long?” Diana asked when they didn’t start after what felt like an eternity.

I was about to answer, when Isaac, Taylor and Zac harmonized the first distinctive “whoas” of You Never Know. The audience literally exploded. I hadn’t heard screams that loud since the 1998 tour. As the lights on the stage came up, I saw three young men doing exactly what they had been born to do. There before us stood three young men completely immersed in what they love.

As their voices rose and fell, intertwining flawlessly, I felt a surge of love and a rush of pride. Those were my boys up there. Between each song, I watched as Tay and Ike walked back to Zac at the drums. Probably making sure he still felt okay. They moved from song to song flawlessly, each of them sounded so amazing. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought they had never been off the road. I found myself drawn into the magic of their performance. I was clapping with my hands over my head. I was swaying my arms back and forth. I was jumping up and down like a fool when Taylor yelled at the audience to get on their feet. I found myself being directed by the sheer will of Taylor. I looked around at the crowd and noticed that every person in the room was also a total slave to his will.

As they finished Dancing in the Wind, Taylor stepped up to the front of the stage and held his hands out hushing the crowd. As the screams and catcalls quieted down, he smiled. “So, who here would like to see Zac come out from behind that drum kit?” The crowd roared back to life. “I’m sorry, what was that?” The crowd roared again, but this time louder. Taylor staggered back a couple of steps throwing his hands up as if surrendering. “Okay, okay… Zac, the crowd has spoken.”

Zac jumped up behind his drum kit. “What’s up New York?” The cheers were nothing short of thunderous, as he stepped off the drum riser. “Geez, guys…” he said walking to the front of the state. “You’re embarrassing me. Dang is it just me or is it hot in here? I guess I’d better do something about it!” Zac said as he grabbed the hem of his shirt and dragged it off over his head. He flexed slightly sending the crowd into almost rapturous ooh’s and aah’s. Zac took a deep breath and held it causing all the newly buff muscles on his stomach to stand out. “That is much better! Okay, this last son g is dedicated to my best friend. And while some of you here my think you don’t like her, let me assure you she really is the best way to get to us!” He turned back towards Taylor and started clapping his hands. I watched amazed at how healthy he looked. He was still very skinny, but much of his muscle tone was back and as he clapped along with Taylor’s drumming, all of the muscles in his back rippled. He turned and squinted into the spotlights. “So, Cleo, this song is for you!”

And with that they ripped into a very rocking version of the Ramones “I wanna be sedated.” I threw my head back and just laughed. Laughed at the absurdity of life. Laughed at the randomness that brought me to this moment. Laughed because this song was and forever will be Thad’s favorite song. I remembered the feeling of weightlessness as Thad and I tried to fly the swings so high we flipped over the top bar of the swing set. I remembered the pull of the centrifugal force pulling on me, trying to throw me off the merry-go-round as Thad pushed it faster and faster. I remember the freedom of riding our bikes downhill with no hands, the juice of a rapidly melting Popsicle running down my arms. I remembered everything and none of it hurt. As the song came to its noisy, crashing end, Zac stood atop the bass drum arms held high above his head in celebration. Tonight was a victory for all involved, but most especially for Zac.

As he leapt into the air, I imagined him just closing his eyes and leaping into the Arkansas River after me. He was terrified of the jump from such a huge height. But in the end he was more afraid of us teasing him. He landed firmly on the stage and looked out into the audience a look of joy and triumph on his face. The crowd leapt up and down in a joyful celebration. I even joined in the jumping up and down. I was screaming and yelling, whistling as loudly as I could. This night had been a gift for all of us.

As Isaac ditched his guitar and Taylor climbed off the drum riser, Zac stepped to center stage. “You guys have been the best audience we could hope for! Before we go, we’d like to give you a little something.”

“Yeah, you’ve been an incredible audience.” Taylor agreed accepting the offered mic.

“Thank you for coming out to support us,” Isaac said. “It’s good to be back.”