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Father Figure
That's all I wanted |
As
I stood in the shower scrubbing at the red stains on my legs, I thought about
what had just happened.
I had been attacked, not hurt in any way, but attacked nonetheless just
for being myself.
And for being the lucky girl Taylor Hanson fell in love with.
What had entered the heads of those girls?
Did they honestly think that if they could get Taylor’s attention,
he’d realize his mistake in loving me?
Not bloody likely.
I don’t think that those girls realize or understand just how
freaking stubborn Jordan Taylor Hanson is.
I think that maybe part of his intense devotion to me is because so
many people have told him it would never work.
That is the one surefire way to get Taylor to do something, tell him he
can’t do it.
The
thing was that these girls attacked me thinking maybe I’d get scared and
just disappear.
One of them said as much as the policeman was loading her into the
squad car. I
still didn’t want to press charges, but Taylor was insistent.
So, charges were being pressed and Taylor was very vocal about it being
a warning or something to any of the other fans that thought it would be cute
to come after me.
After much arguing (and some actual yelling), the rest of the family
left for the Hammerstein Theatre and Taylor and I headed upstairs to get
cleaned up. As
I stripped in front of the mirror, I noticed that my skin had a distinctly red
tint to it. There
had been a lot of food coloring in the Karo syrup.
Maybe those girls deserved to go to jail and think about what they’d
done. One
of the girls had started crying because she had tickets to tonight’s show.
Ah well, such is life.
Taylor had just smirked at her and said something to the effect
everyone had to live with the choices they made, bad or good.
I
had been so calm and understanding outside.
But now as I scrubbed and scrubbed and the red was just barely fading,
I was getting mad.
Soon, the ire in my heart was so strong and huge, I was glad the girls
were downtown being booked into jail.
I was glad they were going to get in serious trouble for this.
I was quietly cursing the red that wasn’t fading even though my skin
was starting to hurt from the constant scrubbing.
The door flew open.
Framed in the bright light from my room was Taylor.
He was buttoning up his third shirt of the day, his wet hair falling
over his forehead.
“You had to shower again?”
I asked.
“Yeah,
some of the red had soaked through my sweater and I didn’t want it to stain
my skin like yours.”
He said settling on the toilet.
“Stupid
fucking teenies.”
I muttered.
“Can
you believe the balls on those girls?”
Taylor asked.
“No.”
I snorted sick to death of scrubbing at my skin.
“I can’t even fathom that they in any way thought they’d get away
with that.”
I snapped the water off with a slam.
“You know what?
I’m glad you insisted I press charges…
I wonder what sort of sentence those stupid little girls will get?”
“I
don’t know.
I guess the thing I can’t get over is how they could possibly think
what they did would be okay…” Taylor said handing me a towel.
I leaned forward and rubbed as much water as I could out of my hair.
“As I was getting cleaned up, I was thinking about what my dad had
said about how I would feel differently about pressing charges, but now…
I’m glad I insisted.
I have never felt so much anger toward anyone before in my life.”
“I’m
starting to wish I had freaked out and screamed and swung on them right when
it happened.”
I said flipping the towel now swirled into a turban over my hair up.
I wrapped the other towel around me and stepped out into the steamy
bathroom. “I
was just so shocked…”
“I
think my heart skipped a beat or two when you told me not to touch you.”
Taylor said.
I gratefully accepted the glasses he held out towards me.
I slipped then on and was surprised to see Taylor was pale with high
ruddy spots on each cheek.
He took a deep breath.
“If it had been blood or anything that would have really hurt you, I
think I would have killed them.”
“I’m
right there with you.”
I said turning and walking into the main part of the room.
“I just don’t understand why they hate me so much.
Do they really believe that you are even a possibility?”
“What?”
Taylor asked.
He settled onto my bed, stretching his forever-long legs out.
“I
guess the thing that makes me so mad is these idiot girls are just such
amazing pains.”
I said standing over him at the end of the bed.
As I watched Taylor, I realized even the simple act of breathing in and
out was sexy…
Of course, you had to be Taylor Hanson for an involuntary act like
breathing to be sexy.
“It isn’t all of the fans, but just a choice few who think that if
you meet them, your life will never be the same.
They seem to think that once you see them you will just fall madly in
love with them.
My question is:
do they really think you are so easily led?
That your feelings and emotions are so fickle that you don’t really
know what you want?
Or who you love?”
“I
don’t know.”
Taylor said shaking his head.
“I mean, I smile at someone and they think it’s love.”
“Well,
it’s not that easy.”
I said squatting down in front of my suitcase rummaging around for some
clean panties.
“No,
being in love with you is definitely not easy.”
Taylor said quietly behind me.
“Ha
ha.” I
said trying to pull on my panties while keeping the towel tucked under my
armpits. “I
know I’m hard, but I’m just making sure you really love me…”
“Cleo,
you look silly trying to get dressed and hide behind the towel at the same
time.” Taylor
said sitting up.
“You can drop the towel, I’ve seen you naked before.
And really, I think I’m strong enough to see you naked and not be so
turned on I can’t control myself.”
“It’s
not you I’m worried about.”
I said standing in front of him.
“Taylor, I know I love you.
I adore you…
But this afternoon, you were my knight in shining armor.
You put me in front of everyone and everything else…”
“Well,
of course, this is all just fluff.”
Taylor said gesturing around wildly with his hands.
“This fame, this fortune…
It can all be gone in a moment. But
you? You
will be my one true love forever!”
“You
are so cheesy.”
I said smiling.
We both just remained in our respective places staring at each other.
Looking at one another as if for the first and last time.
I felt the oxygen whoosh out of my lungs.
“Taylor, you take my breath away…” I whispered.
Before
I had time to react, Taylor was up off the bed.
His mouth on my mouth, his hands holding my face, he pulled back and
looked into my eyes.
“I may be cheesy, but it’s your fault.”
“My
fault?” I
asked between kisses.
“How is your cheesiness my fault?”
“Because,
if I didn’t love you so much, I would be able to think of better things to
say. More
eloquent, less dairy product.”
He said his hands sliding down my back.
His fingertips moved softly over the backs of my shoulders, moving down
my arms still crossed over my chest holding up the towel.
“Let’s lose the towel.”
Taylor whispered nuzzling my ear.
“O…
okay…” I said raising my arms, letting the towel pool around my feet.
I spread my fingers out over his chest, feeling the speed of his heart,
the rise and fall of his chest.
“Taylor…” I said lifting my head.
I was going to look into his eyes and profess my undying love to him,
but when I raised my head, we bumped foreheads.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,”
he said pulling me into a hug.
But instead of our bodies fitting together perfectly, our shapes
molding easily to each other, our arms kept knocking into each other and
finally when we settled into our hug, his arms were under mine and it felt
very strange and awkward.
“Cleo, I know you said that we weren’t going to have sex until
after we’re married…”
“I’m
an idiot.”
I said, pulling back and unbuttoning his shirt, but instead of slipping
the button through the narrow slit, I pulled it clean off.
“Oh crap…”
“Nice
slick.” Taylor
said leaning down and capturing my mouth with his as I continued to try and
unbutton his shirt.
As I kissed him, I pulled a second button off his shirt and then a
third. “Dang,
what do you have against this shirt?”
“Nothing,
but the buttons suck…” I said laughing and giving up.
I slipped my arms around his waist and squeezed loving the way the
rough linen shirt rubbed against my nipples.
“Cleo,
I’m feeling really overdressed.”
He said laughing, sliding his hands over my completely bare back,
resting gently on the soft rise of my hips.
“But damn, you look good to me.
You are a dream…”
“Oh
that cheesiness…” I said kissing his chin and moving down to his Adam’s
apple. I
started again trying to unbutton his shirt and I still couldn’t work the
buttons. “This
damn shirt!”
I said as I grabbed the front of his shirt and just pulled, all of the
remaining buttons popped off.
I continued kissing him as I pulled his wifebeater out of his pants.
I leaned forward and kissed his tummy.
He sucked in his breath, tightening the muscles on his stomach.
I nipped softly at the skin just above his belly button.
“I think you very well may be overdressed…”
“I
think you’re right, but lets not rip anymore clothing off.”
Taylor said lifting up his arms and allowing me to pull off his
wifebeater. He
quickly recaptured my mouth as he unbuckled his belt and undid the button and
zipper.
As
his jeans fell around his ankles, I laughed again.
“What is it about rock stars not wearing underwear?”
“Wishful
thinking…” He said between kisses.
“I know I’m always hoping for a quickie right before I run
onstage!”
“Oh?
And from who?”
I asked.
“Only
ever from you.”
He said pulling on my hands and trying to take a step back, but his
foot got caught in his pants and he fell back onto the bed.
“Are
you okay?”
I asked.
“Yeah,
but I’m not scoring high on the suave scale right now.”
Taylor said kicking his pants off the rest of the way and toeing off
his shoes.
“Tay,
you never score high on the suave scale.”
I said squatting down and pulling off his socks.
“But really, I love your dorkiness more than I love anything about
you…”
“Good
to know that all my smooth moves fall short…” He said as I stood back up.
“No,
not short.”
I said stepping towards Taylor.
But this time, my feet got snagged in the towel and I fell full length
onto Taylor.
“I would never say short…
In fact, right now, I’d say you were long in the smooth moves
department.”
“Now
that was cheesy.”
Taylor said sweeping the towel off of my hair and letting my wet hair
fall all around us.
“Sometimes, when I look at you, I can hardly believe you’re mine.
You are so beautiful.”
“Only
sometimes?”
I asked resting up on my elbow and stroking his chest, running my
finger lazily over his nipples.
I pulled my lips into what I hoped was a seductive pout.
“I always think how lucky I am when I look at you…”
“Oh
always… Always
and forever.”
Taylor said his breath catching in his throat as my fingers skimmed
lower and lower on his belly.
I slid my hands down over his hip and slid down in between his legs.
“And when you touch me like that…
I know you’re perfect…
And you’re mine.”
“Yes,
I am yours.”
I said getting up onto my knees.
I moved to straddle him at the exact same moment he shifted to get more
comfortable.
I place my knee squarely onto his quad muscle.
“Oww…”
Taylor moaned pushing me off of him and grabbing his leg.
“Oh shit…
Cramp, cramp, cramp.”
“Oh
Taylor, I am so sorry.”
I said backing up and grabbing at his leg.
I could feel the hard knot in the middle of his muscle.
“Oh baby, can you ever forgive me?”
I
looked up and caught his eyes.
We stared into each other’s eyes as I massaged his thigh.
Suddenly, he started giggling and it was all I could do to resist the
pull of his laughter.
Soon, we were rolling back and forth on the bed tickling each other and
laughing hysterically.
Suddenly Taylor stopped and looked at me.
I mean, he looked so deeply into my eyes I was sure he was seeing
straight into my thoughts.
“But, in all seriousness, I love you so much it scares me…”
“Why
does it scare you?”
I asked reaching up and tucking a stray hair behind his ear.
“Because
it just about kills me each time you say goodbye.”
He said quietly.
“I have these nightmares that every goodbye is the final goodbye.”
“Taylor,
I am never going to leave you again.”
I said pulling him tight against me.
The smoothness of skin against skin was suddenly overwhelming.
“Taylor, I just want you to know that my love for you is complete.”
“I
just want you…” Taylor growled close to my ear.
“Okay,”
I said softly wrapping my legs around his waist.
He kissed me softly and tenderly, his hands moving slowly and gently
over my body.
These are the moments that make it all so real, when we are soft and
close. As
I gave my body over to Taylor, I thought of how this closeness, this complete
intimacy was what I truly craved.
I fought against him, pushed him away with one hand while clinging to
him with the other, tried to deny what I really felt for him, but the truth
was I wanted him to know me completely.
As
our mouths traveled over the familiar highways of each others bodies, I moved
against him wishing I could just climb into his skin.
“Taylor, I love you.”
I panted as he kissed down my neck.
“Let’s never fight again…”
“I
wouldn’t dream of it.”
He said around a mouthful of my nipple.
“Good.”
I said wrapping my fingers through his hair and pulling him back up to
my mouth. As
our kisses deepened, words were unnecessary.
We were falling deeper and deeper into each other.
We were literally swimming in our needs for each other.
A true giving over of who we were.
And then, the union, the complete joining…
It was like trying to stand waist deep in the ocean as the tide is
rushing out.
I fought against the shuddering waves until I could no longer keep my
feet under me.
That moment of release, that moment when I allow the waves to crash
over me… I
moaned as my toes curled into the sheets.
Taylor groaned before collapsing onto me.
He snuffled his face into my neck and sighed.
A sigh of true and complete contentment.
It was this moment when I felt so close to Taylor that made me cry.
“Baby,
don’t cry.”
Taylor said looking at me and wiping the tears mixing with the sweat
off my cheeks.
“Did I hurt you?”
“No.”
I said rolling onto my side, facing him.
“You didn’t hurt me.”
“Why
are you crying?”
He asked smoothing my hair back, slicking the sweat off my face.
“Be…
because, I lo…
love you so much.”
I said my voice catching in my throat as the words escaped.
“I
love you too.”
He said pulling me against him.
He gathered me into his arms quietly shushing me.
He just held me as I poured out the overwhelming emotions I was
currently drowning in.
Finally, as my sobs subsided, he asked me the question I’m sure was
making him crazy.
“What’s wrong?”
“I
just…” I started trying to find the perfect words.
“I just wish there was some way we could always be this close.
Always be this completely in tune with each other.
And not just our bodies, but everything…”
“We
can be.” Taylor
said a serious look on his face.
He pulled his eyebrows together as he thought about my words.
“There is no reason why we can’t always be this close.”
“Well,
one problem may be that we will eventually have to get dressed…” I said
trying to match the seriousness on his face.
“Now
why would we ever want to do that?”
Taylor said in all seriousness.
“We are never leaving this room or getting dressed ever again…”
“Fine,
but it will be hard to get married in Utah from here.”
I said cuddling against Taylor.
“Wow,
Christmas day…
I’ll never forget that anniversary.”
Taylor said
“I
hope not!!”
I said snuggling against his chest.
I took a deep breath and sighed.
I wish I could figure out how to bottle this, this elemental scent, the
essence of boy.
I stretched long, fitting my body perfectly against Taylor.
“You smell good.”
“You
smell better.”
Taylor said rolling towards me.
We lie face to face; he kissed me softly.
I
felt my eyes fall slowly shut almost of their own volition.
“I think I need to take another shower.”
I said sighing.
“No,
don’t get up.
I love this.”
Taylor said running his fingertips softly over my arm.
“I love you.”
“I
love you too.”
I let my head fall back against the pillow as Taylor rested his head
next to mine.
I sighed completely content.
The level of comfort of this moment was total.
I loved that we could share this moment.
We could just be soft and warm and completely together.
I loved the way his skin felt.
It was so warm and smooth.
He opened his enormous blue eyes and smiled at me.
He reached forward, moving a strand of my hair out of my face.
He gently ran his thumb over my eyebrow, down my nose, across my lips.
“Your
eyes are so dark.”
He said smiling with his eyes closed.
“And while they are the exact same eyes as Thad’s, they are so
different.”
“Different?
How?”
I asked.
“He
always looked like he was laughing inside.
And you, you look like you are thinking about something very, very
mysterious, something only you can see.”
Taylor said quietly.
I could feel his hand against my cheek getting heavier as sleep was
stealing over him.
He closed his eyes and sighed softly.
“And your eyelashes are just naturally black…”
“Tay,
can I ask you a question?”
I asked.
“Sure,
anything…” he mumbled sleepily.
“Do
you ever wish I was more like the girls outside the hotel?”
I asked one of my major insecurities finally just blurting out.
“Like
the girls…” he asked confused.
“Not
like the girls who attacked me, but like the girls who come to the hotel
dressed up with their hair done all up and wearing makeup…” I said.
I
watched as a lazy smile slid onto his face.
“Cleo, I wouldn’t want you if you were like that.
Too high maintenance, too fussy.
I mean, sometimes, Emory makes me crazy.”
“She
does?” I
asked.
“Yes,
cause we are always waiting for her to finish getting ready.”
Taylor said not even opening his eyes.
“I mean, remember that time we all went swimming and then were going
to go to dinner?
Well, I remember that you came out of your hotel room in about 10
minutes, but we had to wait about 35 minutes for Emory…
That was just ridiculous.”
“Good,
cause I don’t think I could ever be like that.”
I said sighing again.
Soon, we were breathing in concert, both of us hovering just on this
side of sleep.
We lay wrapped around each other.
I felt the warmth leaching out of my overheated body as I slid headlong
into the twilight zone somewhere between sleep and wakefulness.
I shivered slightly, goosebumps covering my skin.
I snuggled closer into Taylor as he reached down and pulled the
blankets up over us.
“Thanks baby…” I mumbled before giving in completely to sleep.
“Here
Cleo, put this on…” Taylor said standing in front of me dressed in the
most beautiful dark blue Tuxedo and camel hair coat.
“What
is it?” I
asked reaching into the blue box.
“Something
so I’ll never lose you again.”
Taylor said as I pulled a beautiful out a perfectly round silver ball.
As I lifted it, it began to tinkle softly.
“It’s a harmony ball, purported to give the wearer happiness and
harmony…”
“It’s
beautiful.”
I said smiling as he took it from me and placed the chain around my
neck.
“Whenever
it rings you will think of me…” He said dropping it so it fell against the
front of my white dress.
It finally came to rest with a lovely tuneful ringing.
“Zac,
can you answer that?”
Taylor said in his more than half-asleep state.
My eyes fluttered part way open to look into his soft, slack face.
Suddenly, his eyes flew open.
“Oh shit…
Oh no…” He said as he jumped up grabbed his jeans.
After much scrambling, he had pulled his phone out of the pocket of his
jeans. “Hello?”
He said putting his head in his hands.
“Umm…
I think she’s almost ready…
The red food coloring has really stained her skin.”
He dropped onto the other bed in the room facing me.
“I think we’ll leave in the next couple of minutes…” He stopped
listening to whoever was on the other end of the phone.
“Well, you know what Dad?
I think I acted completely appropriately.
What if someone had done that to Mom, what would you do?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Taylor stood back up and began fishing around on the floor looking for
his boxers. “Why
does everyone doubt that I adore Cleo?
Why is it so hard for you to believe that I love her as much as you
love Mom? I
realize that this isn’t the moment for this conversation…
Fine, we’ll be there in about 15 minutes.
Bye Dad, I love you too.”
Taylor sighed as he hit the end button on the phone.
“Crap, we fell asleep.”
“Yes,
we did.” I
said as I pulled on my long forgotten underwear.
“You’ll have to go and put on another shirt.”
“Dang.
That will be my fourth shirt today.”
Taylor said as he pulled his wifebeater back on.
“You
are just too much my love.”
I said as I hurried and pulled a new outfit out of my suitcase.
I sat on the edge of my bed and pulled on a pair of black tights to
cover my red legs.
I pulled on a black cashmere twin set, a gift from Margaret and the
same red, white and black plaid skirt I had been wearing the night of mine and
Isaac’s fateful fight in August.
I was braiding my hair when it hit me.
Hit
me like a ton of bricks.
I
had just had unprotected sex with Taylor.
I watched as my face flushed a brilliant red, the temperature of my
body suddenly spiking to a highly uncomfortable temperature.
I stopped what I was doing and looked into my suddenly dilated eyes.
Not only had I gone back on my resolve, I had done it at the worst
possible time of the month.
I started braiding my hair again trying not to think of it.
But I just couldn’t move beyond the idea that I might have just made
one of the largest mistakes in my life.
I was putting a rubber band around the bottom of my braid with shaking
hands when Taylor came bouncing back into the room.
He came over and kissed me on the back of the neck.
“Hey baby, you look good enough to eat.”
Taylor said smiling softly at me.
“Cleo, what’s wrong?”
“What
could possibly be wrong?”
I asked forcing a sunny smile onto my face.
“I
don’t know, you tell me.”
Taylor said grabbing my hand and pulling me to my feet.
His face so close to mine was so sincere and earnest.
I wanted to throw my head back and laugh at how truly genuine he looked
at that moment.
“If there was something wrong, you know you could tell me, right?”
“Of
course,” I said a real smile coming to my lips.
“I just sometimes wonder what would happen if our plans were
inexplicably changed.”
“Changed,
how?” Taylor
asked as I stepped into the elevator.
“I
don’t know, just things happened.”
I said shrugging.
“I
know what you are thinking about.”
Taylor said putting his arm around my shoulders.
“And even if you are pregnant, we will deal.”
“You
are amazing…” I said melting into him.
“How did you know that was what I was worried about?”
“Cause
Cleo, despite what you think, I know you.”
Taylor said as the door slid open.
“You
do?” I
asked as he slung his arm around my shoulder.
“Yes,
I think I do.”
He answered as we stepped out in front of the hotel.
The hotel limousine was parked next to the curb the door open waiting
for us. “And
if you are, then no big deal.”
“I
think it’s a big deal.”
I said as I climbed into the car.
“And I’m pretty sure your mother would think it was a huge deal.”
“True,
but I think she’d get over it the moment she held the baby in her arms.”
He said pulling me against him.
We sat quietly watching the city flow by the windows.
He threaded his fingers through mine, humming softly.
“I really do love you…”
“I
know.” I
said smiling, comfortable in the knowledge that all was right with the world.