Push

she said I don’t know if I’ve ever been good enough
I’m a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
and I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved
by a hand that’s touched me,
well I feel like something’s gonna give
and I’m a little bit angry, well

she said I don’t know why you ever would lie to me
like I’m a little untrusting
when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya
and I don’t know why you couldn’t just stay with me
you couldn’t stand to be near me
when my face don’t seem to want to shine
cuz it’s a little bit dirty well

don’t just stand there, say nice things to me
I’ve been cheated I’ve been wronged, and you
you don’t know me, I can’t change
I won’t do anything at all

I managed to keep Emory away from the peach, sea foam green, pale pink and lavender. I watched as Jessica’s eyes kept returning to the dress she had originally picked out when we had first arrived. So, after much cajoling and explaining there were loads of beautiful yellow flowers, we ended up with the most beautiful lemon yellow satin dresses. The bodice was fitted down through the waist with a slightly full cocktail length skirt. The bodice was off the shoulder with straps to hold the dresses in place. Diana laughed as the seamstress scolded me over and over again to hold still. It was funny, both Avery and Jessica hadn’t had the slightest problem holding still, but me? I was a bundle of nerves, all jumpy and out of sorts. The idea of Taylor was just more than I could take. I kept trying to hurry the process so I could rush back to the hotel… I didn’t care if we had to get our own room; I wanted to get naked with my fiancée!

Jessica blushed a brilliant red when the seamstress who came in to mark our dresses for alteration commented on how lovely her shape was. And I looked at Jess and noticed she did indeed have a great body. And with the off the shoulder design, it showed how amazing her shoulders were and how her collarbones stuck out, when she lifted her arms and twirled. I saw the years of dance classes in her graceful movements. As we rode back in the van, I watched as she sat and talked animatedly to Avery about something of great importance. Suddenly, all of Jessica’s attention was turned on me, her huge, bright smile. “Cleo, when are you and Tay going to get married?”

“What?” I asked taken aback by not only the size of her smile, but by the 5 sets of eyes suddenly glued to me.

“Yeah, Cleo,” Emory said her green eyes dancing, “when are you and Taylor going to get married?”

“Yeah!” Zoë crowed from where she sat next to Anne. “I want you as my sister!”

“Oh please, she already is a sister.” Avery said smiling happily. Her brown eyes had a dreamy far away expression, she may resemble Zac but at this moment she looked just like Taylor to me.

I smiled, feeling tears coming to my eyes. “Honestly, I have no clue when I want to get married.” I said sighing. “I think I may want to go and get married somewhere like Vail or Park City at Christmas time… I would love to get married in a snuggly white wool dress and thick fake fur jacket and fuzzy hat…”

“Oh, that sounds beautiful.” Jessica said her eyes getting a faraway look. “You could get married outside with snow falling all around you.” I closed my eyes and imagined Taylor standing in front of me in a lovely wool suit and a nice dress coat. The snow catching in his hair and eyelashes, I would have to sweep the snowflakes away… But they would sparkle in all of the pictures. He would smile at me and ask if I was cold, but his smile would warm me. I could feel a blush creeping up the back of my neck as I thought of it. “Oh Cleo, you have to get married at Christmas…”

“Okay, then, pencil in the 25^th of December for another wedding.” I said my entire being flushing with energy and love. As the van pulled up in front of the hotel, I had the door thrown open and was on the ground running for the front doors before the van had stopped completely. I skidded to a stop inside one of the waiting elevators and pressed our floor.

I bounced on the balls of my feet willing the elevator to move upwards faster and faster. As the doors dinged open on the top floor of the hotel. I stepped out into the hallway and stopped short. What was I about to do? Could I really go striding into Taylor’s room and tell him not to plan anything for Christmas day? I took a deep breath and threw the door to the suite open a little too vehemently; the door went crashing into the wall. Five sets of eyes looked at me, surprised. I stopped again totally taken with how truly blue Taylor’s eyes were.

“Cleo, you are the queen of entrances.” Taylor said looking down at the quickly spreading spot of coffee. “Damn, I wanted to wear this shirt to the show tonight.”

“Oh, I’m sorry…” I said smiling slyly at him. “Come on, let’s go pick out something for you to wear.”

“Walker, I promise this won’t be long.” I said smiling my most winning smile as I led Taylor by the hand down to the room he currently shared with Ike and Zac. Soon, I would be able to share a room with him and no one would say a word. I pinned Taylor up against the wall just inside his room and planted a firm kiss on his lips, my fingers quickly undoing the buttons to his white dress shirt. Once I had the shirt off, I dropped it. It lay pooled on the floor behind me, my fingers moving urgently through his hair, our kiss unbroken. Taylor took hold of my shoulders and backed me up until I felt the backs of my legs hit the side of the bed. He gently lowered me to the bed, showering me with less than gentle kisses. “Um… Tay, I think you need to put on another shirt…” I said between kisses.

“What do you think I should wear?” He asked his breath hot and insistent in my ear.

“How about your black turtleneck?” I said rolling out from under him. I jumped up and was riffling through the shirts hanging in the closet. I pulled out the gorgeous black cashmere sweater. It was a so soft and smelled so good. I gently pulled it off its hanger and turned to hand it to him. I turned to look at the man I adored. He sat on the edge of the bed, his breath moving harshly in and out, the color in his cheeks heightened, his lips a rough red, swollen from kissing. He looked up at me his head tilted slightly to the side. “What are you thinking right now?”

“I’m thinking I love how sweet and mussed you look right now.” He said smiling hugely. “Your lips look like you have lipstick on…”

“So do yours.” I said holding the sweater out toward him. His hand touched mine and I knew… I knew this was the time to ask him my question. “Tay, can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” he said accepting the turtleneck. He looked up at me and smiled again.

I dropped to my knees in front of him and took his face in both my hands. “What are you doing Christmas day?”

“I don’t know…” he said his brow knitted together in confusion. “I suppose I’ll be with you and my family…”

His face moved from a look of confusion to a look of pure and utter amazement. “Are you serious?”

“Like a heart attack.” I answered watching as the look of amazement moved straight into a look of the purest joy. “I want to marry you outside up in the mountains somewhere… Maybe we could get married in Utah?”

“Oh my God!!” He yelled grabbing me in the tightest hug I’ve ever experienced in my life. My breath whooshed out of my lungs as he jumped up onto his feet, swinging me around. “I love you! I love you. I love you. I love you.”

“Okay, what is all this noise?” Walker asked as he stepped through the door.

“Dad, Cleo wants to get married on Christmas day!” Taylor said setting me down on the floor and planting a kiss on the tip of my nose. “She’s set a date!”

“Congratulations, son.” Walker said walking into the room and pulling both of us into a large fatherly hug. “Now, we really, really need to get on the road.”

“Okay, we’re coming…” Taylor said snagging the sweater and pulling it on. His smile was such a reward. I followed Walker back into the main room of the suite. “Hey, guess what? Guess what Cleo and I are going to do this Christmas?”

“I don’t know, but I hope it involves both of you going somewhere far, far away where I never have to see either of you naked again.” Zac said in a bored sounding voice, but his eyes were very busy watching both Taylor and I for our reaction.

“What?” Diana said as she walked through the door. As she stepped through the door, the chaos descended. The craziness that followed any Hanson gathering was complete. Soon after stepping into the suite, Avery was in the kitchenette getting some chips, Zoë was complaining she was thirsty and Jessica was asking if anyone knew where the remote for the television was. Taylor put his hands to his forehead.

“No, I’m interested in this naked thing…” Diana started. Her amazing mother sense telling her there was more than just a simple interlude going on in the dress shop.

“Who was naked?” Mac asked. His enormous brown eyes turned toward me. “Was Cleo naked?”

“Yes, but that isn’t what’s important here.” Taylor said brushing Mac aside. “The important thing is…”

“No, I think the naked part is very important.” Diana said setting down the bag filled with little girl shoes and foundation garments. “Taylor, we’ve talked about what we expect from you…”

“Mom!! Listen to me!” Taylor yelled. A sudden and complete silence fell over everyone in the room, no one ever yelled at Diana and Walker. Taylor took a deep breath, not sure if his parents were going to land on him or not. When it was clear no one was about to get sent to a corner to think about their tone, Taylor continued. “The important thing is Cleo and I are getting married on Christmas day in Utah…”

“Oh baby.” Diana said a huge smile on her face. As Taylor enveloped her in an enormous hug, I saw tears shining in both of their eyes. “I am so happy for you.”

“Dang, I guess there is just no getting rid of you now.” Zac said sticking out his hand to shake mine. I clasped his hand and he yanked on me, pulling me against his body and giving me an enormous hug. “Not that I ever would want to get rid of you.”

“I still think you picked the wrong brother.” He whispered in my ear. “But your taste has always been very suspect.”

“Okay, okay…” Walker said giving me a hug around Zac. “As touching as this moment is, there is a van down in front of the hotel waiting to take us to the Hammerstein for tonight’s show.”

We gathered together in front of the elevators. I got warm, comfortable hugs from each of my future in-laws. Zoë wrapped herself around my waist and put her feet on each of my feet. “So, Cleo, if you get married on Christmas day, do you think Santa will bring you a gift?”

“Hmm…” I said pretending like I was thinking. “I guess he would, if we sent him a wedding invitation.”

“Well, if you forget, I’ll be sure and tell him in my letter to him.” I looked down at the radiant face of Zoë. I thought how lucky she was to be home schooled. Her innocence and absolute belief in Santa, the Tooth Fairy and Easter bunny made me so happy, made me feel privileged to know her at all. “I’ll have to make sure he knows I won’t be at home. Do you think he’ll find me in Utah?”

“I think Santa has some sort of strange super power where he can find you no matter where you are.” Taylor said over my shoulder.

"Maybe you need to send him an invitation so he knows exactly where we all are." She said looking up into my eyes.

I now had Zoë hanging on my front and Taylor enveloping me from behind. I just felt so loved. When the doors to the elevators dinged open, I stepped out into the lobby completely surrounded by Hanson. As we worked our way across the lobby, I had both Zoë and Taylor hanging on me, impeding my progress. As the doorman opened the doors for us, I was laughing at how stupid we must have looked. As we walked through the doors, the girls all started calling out for Isaac, Taylor and Zac. Taylor sighed behind me and then took his arms away from me. I instantly missed his warmth. I walked straight to the van and helped Diana get all of the kids into the car.

As I was about to climb into the van, I heard my name called. I turned to see a group of fans smiling at me. I smiled back. They called my name again and signaled for me to come over to where they were standing. I hesitated, watching as all three of the boys glad-handed the crowd. They called my name again. I sighed and headed toward them. I was sure they would have some little trinket or gift for me to give to their favorite Hanson. As I got closer and closer, I suddenly had a horrible insight into how Zac felt about large crowds. I wasn’t afraid, really. But there was a feeling, an aura, emanating from the girls that felt malevolent. As I got close enough I could talk without yelling, I stopped. “Hey, what’s up ladies?” I asked hoping my voice sounded smooth and assured.

“Nothing.” The front girl with the scarily large and Cheshire cat like smile. “We just wanted to see your ring.”

“Oh.” I said holding my hand up and feeling silly as they all squealed with delight at the size of the diamond. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the guys were slowly making their way toward the van. “Hey, I have to go… My ride’s going to leave me.”

“Okay,” I said smiling. “Ladies, I’m sorry, I really have to…” I stopped as water balloons connected with me. I was covered with something thick and red. “Oh my God! What the fuck?”

I watched as the girls went running off through the crowd, crowing with laughter. I looked back down and watched as the thick red liquid ran down my legs and pooled in my shoes. The crowd grew almost entirely silent. Or else, I was just so dumbfounded and overwhelmed by what had happened; I was totally shutting everything out. I realized someone had placed a hand on my arm. I turned to see Taylor’s concerned face close to mine. “Cleo, are you okay?”

“Oh man, what do you think that is? Hey, Jason, they ran that way…” Zac called as he and Jason took off after the girls.

“What?” I asked looking back down as the suspiciously blood like good ran off my legs. “Don’t touch me!!”

“I don’t know what this is…” I said rubbing the sticky liquid off my arms. “Tay, if this is blood… I just don’t want you to touch me.”

“Oh my… You don’t think it’s blood do you?” He asked his eyes getting huge.

“I don’t know. It just feels so gross.” I said feeling all sorts of different emotions fighting just under the surface. I was angry and sad and frustrated. I looked at my legs and noticed the liquid was clotting on my skin very much like blood. I shivered as a breeze floated by. It was only the second week of April, so New York was still pretty cool. I crossed my arms across my chest hoping to hold my warmth. “I hope it isn’t blood…”

I looked up into Taylor’s eyes and was surprised to find tears there. “Cleo, I am so sorry…”

Suddenly I was wrapped in a huge and fluffy robe, I turned my head to see Isaac and Emory holding the sleeves out for me to slip my arms into. “The doorman saw what happened and ran and got this from the front desk.”

“Thanks.” I said pulling the robe tight around me. I turned back to see a single tear escape from Taylor’s eyelashes. “What are you sorry for?”

“I’m sorry all of this is affecting your life…” Taylor said his chin quivering.

“Tay, it’s okay. I knew what I was getting into before any of this started.” I said watching as the red began to soak through the robe. “I guess I’m just shocked to the level people will sink to.”

“Cleo, nothing surprises me anymore.” Emory said putting her arm across my shoulders. I felt her shiver too.

“Emory, you should go sit in the van.” I said trying desperately to smile. “You too Ike… And Tay I think you should just go. I’ll join you after I shower.”

“No way.” Taylor said. “I’m not going to the Hammerstein without you.”

“I think I’m being perfectly reasonable.” Taylor interrupted. “I am not leaving you until I know you are safe.”

As we stood talking, I noticed a commotion on the outer edges of my vision. I turned my head to see Jason fighting his way through the crowd holding the arm of both of the girls who had thrown the balloons on me. They were both struggling. I was about to tell Jason and Zac to let them go, when I noticed there was also a police officer with him. “Are these the girls who assaulted you?” The police officer asked.

“Really, it’s no big deal.” I said sitting on the steps of the hotel. My shoes were really squishy and disgusting. I needed to get them off.

“Actually, it is a big deal.” Taylor said an edge of anger in his voice. “These girls doused the woman I love in blood…”

“It’s not blood.” The girl with the enormous smile said, but now, her smile was missing. She had tears standing in her eyes and when she tried to make eye contact with Taylor, she had to look away. “It’s just Karo syrup and some red food coloring.”

“Oh man, food coloring?” I asked. I peeled the robe back and saw the massive stain on my favorite shirt and shorts. I swept some of the red away from my skin and noticed my skin was beginning to stain. “This just sucks.”

“No, this more than sucks.” Taylor said in disgust. “What the fuck is your problem? What in the holy hell were you thinking?” The girls both just shook their heads. “No, I really, really want to know what you thought you were accomplishing here?”

“We just heard Cleo was a bitch…” One girl said a single tear breaking free of her lashes.

“Well, ever since you started going out with her…” The girl with the smile started and stopped when she looked up and noticed the absolute fire in Taylor’s eyes.

“I’ve been what?” Taylor asked in a low and threatening voice. He stepped closer to her, getting right in her personal space. “Tell me how I’ve been?”

“Well, you don’t stop and talk to the fans like you used to.” She said quietly, very carefully checking out Taylor’s shoes. “You don’t stop and meet the fans like you used to…”

“Well, if this is your way of meeting us…” Zac said ruefully, shaking his head.

“Have you thought maybe I don’t stop and talk as much because YOU are so mean to Cleo?” Taylor asked. “I’m not stupid! And I’m definitely not deaf. I hear the things you call her as we walk through the crowd.”

“In Dallas, last year.” The other girl said quietly. “In front of the hotel, Cleo told all of the fans were “fuck off” and then said all of the fans waiting outside the hotel were bitches. At least, that is the story I heard.”

“So, you assault my girlfriend over some rumor on the internet?” Taylor boomed when he realized what incident she was referring to. “I was there and Cleo didn’t say ANYTHING to any of the fans there. In fact, she was very, very nice.”

“I said nothing of the sort!” I said standing up and placing my arm on Taylor’s arm. He turned looking at me. The anger in his eyes was actually frightening. I didn’t think he was capable of that kind of ire. “I called the girl who grabbed a handful of my hair a bitch and asked her what the fuck she thought she was doing!”

“But it so isn’t true.” I said tiredly. I sighed sinking back down onto the steps, realizing for the rest of my life I would have to defend myself and all of my actions to the fans. And I also realized no matter what I did and no matter how many of the girls I got backstage, they would always hate me.

“Tay, be reasonable, we are so not going to be pressing charges.” I said tiredly.

“Yes, we are.” Taylor said angrily. He reached his hand down and pulled me back up to my feet. “We are pressing charges, because I am sick of this.” He turned towards the crowd of girls straining to hear him. “Did you all hear that? We are pressing charges cause I am so fucking sick of everyone disrespecting my fiancé! For God’s sake, I love this woman. I mean, I love her completely and all your sick and twisted mind games you are trying to play on her and me will not work.”

“Tay, honey,” Walker said as he was walking up to where we were gathered in a loose circle. “Don’t swear. I think you need to calm down.”

“Calm down? Calm down?” Taylor asked his voice loud and angry. “Dad, what would you do if someone had just doused mom in some horrible red liquid? I can’t believe you would do absolutely nothing.”

“I know son.” Walker said putting his arm around Taylor’s shoulder. “But, you aren’t going to press charges. We’re going to let these girls go. Cleo is going to go upstairs and take a shower. And we are all going to head to the venue…”

“Why is everyone telling me to be reasonable when this situation has NOTHING to do with reasonableness?” Taylor demanded. “Maybe I don’t feel like even playing tonight. Maybe this whole situation has made me not feel like ever doing another concert. Why should I play for such horrible ungrateful fans?”

“Tay we signed a contract.” Walker said quietly trying to calm him. “We have a financial obligation.”

“Dad, I don’t need money.” Taylor said exasperated. “I don’t have to play EVER again and Cleo and I will be fine.”

“You can’t stop playing…” The girl with the enormous smile said a huge tear slipping down her cheek.

“Taylor, what you are saying is just crap.” I said standing up again. “You are going to go to the venue right now. I’ll only be about 30 minutes behind you. I swear.”

“Yeah, I think we’d better be going.” Ike said his arm firmly around Emory’s waist, holding her protectively.

“No, it’s okay.” I said shaking my head. I smoothed Taylor’s hair back from his eyes and kissed the end of his nose. I smiled and placed my hands on either side of his face. “Just let them go…”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” I said shaking my head. “You guys need to go… I promise I’ll be there in a few.”

“No sudden trips to the airport.” I said trying to push him away, I didn’t want to stain him.

“Still, I’m not going to the venue without you.” He said pulling me against him as tight as he could. “I’m going to come upstairs and wait for you to take a shower.”

“The concert can wait.” Taylor said firmly. “I am making a statement right now. No one and nothing is going to mess with my life. And make no mistake, Cleo is my life.”