Miserable Stuck to a chair Watching this story about me Everything goes by so fast Making my head spin Used up all of my friends Who needs them when you mean everything I love the things that we should fear I'm not afraid of being here So much the same It makes me helpless alone Nothing to share Why should I care if your near me Give up all of my plans But who needs them When you mean everything I love the things that we should fear I'm not afraid of being here So much the same It makes me helpless alone You make me come You make me complete You make me completely miserable

Miserable   

I had really, really hurt him.  And now, I had to go and find him and make sure he was okay.  I stepped up to the bathroom door and could hear the sound of someone throwing up, but I could also hear the sink running.  I leaned against the wall waiting for whoever was in there with Taylor to come out.  I looked over at the counter and noticed a very greasy looking older guy totally checking me out.  I looked down at what I was wearing, baggy jeans, white tank top, my navy cashmere sweater tied around my waist, Doc Martens and my new ridiculous bowling shirt.  I looked wholly unremarkable.  I looked away, but I could still tell he was watching me.  Finally, the door to the men’s room swung open.  I looked around to make sure no one was watching me and slipped into the bathroom to see how he was doing.  I had found him kneeling in front of a toilet dry heaving.  He had really been violently sick.

“What you doing in here?”  Taylor asked sitting back, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“I was worried about you.”  I said.  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“That really hurt.”  He said taking my offered hand and wincing as he stood up.  “That hurt worse than breaking an arm or going through a window.”

“Well, let me see.”  I said kneeling in front of him and slowly undoing his belt.  I popped the buttons on his jeans slowly and peeled them back, gently pulling his boxers out.  I could see the bruise forming in the curly, sandy hair.  “Oh my God, you’re swelling up!” 

“I am fully aware of that.”  He said moaning and leaning his head back against the wall.  I leaned forward to inspect the damage I had wrought, just as the door swung open.

“Hey now, this is a respectable place, none of that!”  An angry voice boomed into the bathroom.

“Oh!  We weren’t doing…” Taylor began pushing me away and hurriedly buttoning up his pants.

“I know what you were doing.”  The man said glowering at me.   “You should be ashamed of yourself, doing that in a public place.”

“But, I wasn’t…” I protested hauling my drunken ass off the floor.

“Honey, I see your type all the time.”  The man said shaking his head.  “You ought to get a real job and some self respect…”

“She is my fiancé!” Taylor said forcefully grabbing my left hand and shoving the enormous ring I was wearing into his face. 

“Well, buddy, I don’t care who she is, you can’t do that in here.”  He said turning and leaving. 

After the door slammed with a resounding clunk.  Taylor and I looked at each other and started laughing.  “Oh, man, that hurts.”  Taylor said his hands holding the part of him that hurt. 

“Come on Gimpy, we’ve got to get those boats off your feet and up onto the street so we can go home.”  I said reaching out and snagging his hand.  Somehow, we got ourselves gathered together, a very sick and pale looking Taylor out of the bathroom and back up to street level.  Taylor was moving pretty slowly, but at least he was upright and not puking, so I was considering his forward movement a moral victory of sorts.  We did have to stop on the stairs for him to rest.   By the time Taylor and I joined the others on the street, they had formed a plan to walk back to the hotel. 

“Guys, I don’t think I can walk that far.”  Taylor said leaning against a wall.  “I’m in some pretty serious pain and it’s starting to swell.”

“It really is.”  I said leaning against the wall next to him and snaking my hand into his.  “Why don’t you guys walk and we’ll take a cab.  Is that okay with you?”

“Sounds good to me.”  Taylor said.  “So, why don’t you head and we’ll meet you there.”

“Cool,” Ike said.  “Emory and Anne haven’t ever been to New York and it’s not really all that far.”

“Okay, see you soon.”  I said as I stepped off the curb and put my hand up.  A cab pulled over almost immediately.  “Come on my poor boy, let’s go home!”

“If only we really could go home.”  He said wincing as he settled into the cab.  “Cleo, I’ve been thinking about what we talked about on my birthday…”

“Taylor, I’m not going to set a date yet.”  I said sighing.

“No, not that.”  He said putting his arm around me.  “About me just moving in with you, just packing up my stuff and moving into your apartment.  You know it makes so much sense.”

“Tay, that isn’t going to happen.”  I said.

“Why not?”  He asked sounding surprised.  “If it’s because of my mom and dad, well, they’ll just have to learn to live with it…”

“It’s not them.”  I said, shaking my head.  There were so many factors to my decision to not move in with him.  Not the least of which is what his parents had said to me. 

“Do you think Emory would object if I moved into your apartment?”  Taylor asked.

“Nope, I don’t think she would care at all.”  I said sighing.  “The truth is…”

“What’s the truth?  What aren’t you saying?”  Taylor asked pulling his arm from behind me.

“I’ve been thinking a lot and I’ve decided that maybe we should wait till after we’re married.”  I said waiting for the explosion.

“Wait for what?”  His eyes narrowed to slits. 

“I’m suggesting that we refrain from having sex until after we’re married.”  I said slowly and clearly.

“What?  Why?”  He demanded.  His voice was getting louder with every word. I noticed the cab driver watching us carefully in the rearview mirror.

“Because Tay,” I said sighing, “what if all we feel for each other is lust?  I mean, how do we know it’s truly love?”

“Because, it is!”  Taylor yelled.  “My God Cleo, what do I have to do prove that I love you?”

“Please, don’t yell.”  I said as the cab pulled up in front of the hotel.  “Please, let’s not make this into an enormous production.” 

Taylor quickly paid the cab driver and threw his door open.  “Why not?”  He demanded as he reached in and pulled me out of the cab.  Really, it was more like he yanked me.  I reached up and rubbed my shoulder.  I guess this was his way of paying me back for nailing him in the groin with a very hard 8-pound ball.  “You’ve made a major decision about our lives and I get no say?”

“Tay, we can talk about this once we get inside the hotel.”  I said through clenched teeth, wrenching my hand out of his.  “Let’s just go in and then we can talk, alright?”

“Oh, you’re still going to come inside with me?”  Taylor said turning and striding through the crowd.  For someone who could barely walk a few minutes before, he was moving fast.  He stopped as we reached the doors.  “You know Cleo, I’m getting sick of this.  I’m getting sick of dealing with all your insecure shit!”

“Taylor, please.”  I said uncomfortably aware of the closely listening crowd.  I reached out to put my hand on his arm and he violently pulled away.  “Please, calm down.” 

“Whatever…” Taylor said moving quickly through the revolving door.  I jogged beside him as he approached the elevators.  “No, not whatever.  I’m pissed.”

“Tay, don’t be mad.”  I said as we waited in front the elevator door.  I reached out again, settling my hand on his shoulder and squeezing.

“Why not?”  He demanded shrugging my hand off of his arm.  “You get to make all sorts of pronouncements about MY life and I don’t get to be mad?  That is just not fair.”

“I’m not making pronouncements!”  I yelled.  “I just want to slow things down, get to know each other…”

“How much better can I get to know you?”   Taylor yelled directly in my face.  I was painfully aware of the fact that flashbulbs were popping out in front of the hotel.  Taylor and I were having a fight in front of about 150 fans.  “I know everything about your life!  I remember the day you got your period.  I remember when you had your first kiss with skinny Tony Miller.  For hell’s sake, I was with you when your mother MADE you get your first bra!  How much better can I know you?”  

“Tay calm down.”  I hissed through clenched teeth.

“I will not calm down.”  He said grabbing my arms just below my shoulders.  “How can you even pretend that we don’t know each other?  I know how you got EVERY scar on your body.  I can remember every lost tooth, every time you got sick, every time you wanted to kill Thad.  And I think that you aren’t playing fair.  And I think you know it.”

“Tay, what if we don’t really love one another?”  I asked.  “What if all of this is just familiarity and lust?”

“Oh God,” he said getting on the elevator.  “You’ve been talking to my mother…”

“Yes, I have and you know what she is a wise woman.”  I said moving next to him.  “Please, don’t be mad at me…  Please don’t do this to me.”

“How did you think I was going to react?”  Taylor asked pushing away from me. 

“I don’t know.”  I said shrugging.  Actually, I was pretty sure he’d react exactly as he was at this moment.  “I guess I hadn’t really thought this out all the way…”

“My God Cleo, why are you so rash?  Why do you always act without thinking?”  He asked his voice a little calmer.  But he still had the “stay away from me” body language going on.  “Sometimes I wonder if you even think before you open your mouth.”

“Sometimes I wonder the same thing.”  I said leaning against the wall opposite him.  “Taylor, once we get married, it’s forever.  Do you understand what that means?”

“Yes, it means the rest of our lives.”  He said exasperated, running his hands through his hair.

“Yes, but it also means when you’re mad at me…  And you will get mad at me, you can’t walk across the yard and go home.”  I said.  I could feel my lip starting to quiver.  I didn’t want to cry, but it seemed like every time I thought about Taylor, I mean really, really thought about him, I cried.  “Taylor, what if one day…”

“Cleo, every day I wake up and I thank God you exist.”  He said his voice losing it’s edge altogether.  “You know what one of the things I love most about you?”

“N…no.”  I said my voice hitching around unshed tears.

“I love that you are essentially just a scared little girl.”  He said as the elevator doors slid open on the penthouse level of the hotel.  As my feet hit the thick carpeting of the hallway, I felt his hand on my arm.  I turned towards him and was shocked to see tears pooling along his eyelashes.  “And I love that you are rash and that you don’t think before you open your mouth and I love just everything.  I even love that you piss me off so much.” 

“Thank you.”  I said putting my arms around his waist. 

“So, are we good?”  He asked putting his fingers under my chin and tipping my face up towards his.  “I mean, is all of this finished?”

“Yes,” I said smiling as he placed his lips against mine.  “But I meant what I said.”

“What?”  He said standing back up.  “I thought…”

“No, we established that we know each other and that we love each other.”  I said moving back knowing the entire argument was about to begin again.  “I just think that maybe we should abstain from sex until we’re married…”

“Cleo!”  Taylor said angrily.

“No, hear me out!”  I said putting my hand up.  “There are lots of things to be considered.  I mean, your little sisters watch us so carefully!  And the fans…  And what if we have an accident?  Do you really want to have that conversation with your parents?”

“No, not really.”  He said.

“Not at all…” I said grabbing his hand.  “Please, understand, it’s not a punishment.  It’s just…  logical.”

“Tay?”  I heard Diana ask from behind me.  “Where are your brothers?”

“Umm…  they’re right behind us.”  Taylor lied. 

“Are you okay?”  She asked stepping out into the hall. 

“Umm, yeah.” Taylor said. I looked up at him; he looked disheveled and rumpled, his cheeks a brilliant pink.  I sniffed and suddenly realized how beery both of us smelled.  “They stopped to pick up some coffee.  They’re going to be joining us soon.  We thought we might stay up and play some poker or something.”

“Well, all the kids are asleep, so you’re going to have to go into the girls room.”  Diana said leaning against the doorjamb. 

“Okay Mom.”  He said watching her closely.  I could feel him wanting to say something he would regret.  I am not the only one who can be rash in this relationship. 

“Now, you two, stay out of trouble.”  She said smiling as she moved back into their room.

“What kind of trouble could we get into?”  Taylor asked an edge to his voice that made Diana stop.

“Excuse me?”  She asked turning back towards us.

“Nothing, never mind.”  Taylor said quickly.

“No son, I think you have something you want to say to me.”  Diana said walking back towards us, her hands on her hips, her elbows akimbo.  The set of her jaw let me know that this moment was key to our continued happiness.

“Nothing really, I’m just mad at Cleo and taking it out on you.”  Taylor said ducking his head and looking up at his mother through his eyelashes.  A look guaranteed to get him off the hook.

“Why are you mad at Cleo?”  Diana asked a look of concern on her face.

"Remember the bowling ball incident?”  Taylor asked, shifting uncomfortably.  Diana’s eyebrows pulled together for a brief moment and then a look of realization spread across her face.  “Well, she decided to reenact it, on me.”

“Oh, my poor baby.”  Diana said fighting to keep the smile off her face.  “Make sure you put some ice on…  Well, put some ice on it.  I guess I really don’t have to worry about you two getting into trouble.”   

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