...time of you life

Good Riddance

Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
It's not a question
But a lesson I learned in time

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of good health
and good time
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth
It was worth all the while

And that is how Taylor and I ended up on the couch in the great room of their suite watching MTV.

When we came back into the suite, we had tried to think of somewhere we could go to be alone. But Emory and Ike were in our room. Zac was napping in Taylor’s room. The girls’ room was out of the question since Diana was going in and out of them like a woman possessed. So, we had settled on the couch watching MTV. Soon, Taylor began to yawn. His yawns were so enormous I literally could hear his jaw pop. “Tay, why don’t you just lay down?”

“Come on little boy.” I said standing up and grabbing his hand. “Let’s go and take a nap.”

“Okay.” He said following me down the hall towards the room he was now sharing with Ike and Zac. “Are you gonna stay with me?”

“I will.” I whispered following him past the bed where Zac was asleep. Zac was lying flat on his back, his hands tucked under his head, snoring lightly. He flopped back onto the bed, reaching out for my hand. I settled on the bed next to him, effortlessly sliding into his arms. I sighed as the pure scent of boy surrounded me. “You know, I wasn’t joking.”

“You can’t ever leave me behind again.” I said tightening my arms around his waist.

“Okay, then marry me.” He said as his breathing evened out. He was asleep before I could answer. I reached up and smoothed the errant lock of hair off of his forehead. My finger gently tracing his eyebrows and the line of his nose, I moved my fingertips over his lips. They parted slightly in sleep. I again found myself fascinated by the parts that made the whole. What was it that made him beautiful? His eyes? They were undoubtedly beautiful and a color blue the sky envied. His lips? They were pouty and perfect and right this minute begging to be kissed. His nose? His cheekbones? His jaw line? All of those things added to what the world thought was beautiful. But in the end what made him so perfect? It was the light shining out of him. He shifted under my gaze, sighing my name in his sleep.

I rolled over and he spooned in behind me. Our bodies melding perfectly, our flesh falling into memory as our hands twined together. I closed my eyes as his exhaustion overtook me.

“Cleo, we aren’t going on tour yet.” Isaac told me as he fell onto the grass next to me. They had been back from Los Angeles about 3 and a half weeks, they were going to be leaving for New York the next week. They were going to begin what we later found to be the soul sucking experience of promoting an album.

“What? Why not?” I asked my eyes following Jarrod as he kicked the soccer ball across Hanson’s yard. “I thought everything was set up.”

“Naw, Tay is too sick.” He said as Taylor stole the ball from Jarrod. Laughing, Taylor kicked it down the lawn, practically tripping on his too big feet. “He won’t eat.”

“Is that why he’s so skinny?” I asked watching amazed as Taylor lifted his shirt to wipe his face. Without any effort at all, I could see each of his ribs, each knob on his spine.

“He won’t eat.” Ike said leaning back on his elbows. “And when he does, he just throws it back up.”

“Really?” I asked, watching carefully as Taylor and Jarrod started elbowing each other.

“If I tell you a secret, will you promise not to tell anyone, ever…”Isaac said plucking absently at the grass.

“Geez, Ike!! I promise!” I said getting frustrated. “It’s not like I talk to Taylor all that much anyway.”

“Fine!” Ike said leaning towards me. “My Mom and Dad had to take Taylor to the hospital again the other day.”

“Again?” I asked. Noticing for the first time the huge bruise on the inside of Taylor’s left arm. I realized I knew exactly where the bruise had come from, it was from an IV.

“Yeah,” Ike said sighing. “It was the 4^th time in the last six months.”

“Cause they had to take him in to get him to eat.” Isaac whispered into my ear. “They put a tube up his nose and down into his stomach…”

“He says it’s cause he’s not hungry, but everyone else thinks it’s the stress.”

“Stress?” I asked watching as Zac tackled Jarrod. Turning a calm afternoon game of soccer into a match of blood soccer.

“My parents wanted to come home, but Taylor would throw a fit every time. He would tell them that he’d try harder to eat.” Isaac said his eyes following his brother around the yard. “And he would, he really would. But he just couldn’t eat.”

“I can understand that.” I said resting my head on my knees. I was noticeably thinner than I had been when they had left for Los Angeles.

“I’ll be you do.” He said sliding his arm across my shoulders. “I’ve missed you more than I thought I would.”

Just then a shadow fell across Isaac and I. I looked up into the soft brown eyes of Zac. “Cleo, you need to come play with us. Come and show us why you got your soccer scholarship!” He held his hand out to me, to pull me to my feet.

I started in my sleep, my mind unwillingly leaving the memories behind. I sighed realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to fall back to sleep. I opened my eyes to find the brown eyes from my dream staring at me. “Hey Cleo…”

“Not even a little bit.” He said stretching. “My mom was just in here looking for you two.”

“Yeah, making sure there was no hanky panky going on.” Zac said standing up and grabbing my hand pulling me up off the bed. “Come on, let’s go find my mother, so she can see that you still have all your clothing on.”

“What the?” I said looking into the room. The entire floor was littered with their clothes, notebooks, backpacks, pretty much everything they owned. “Would it kill you guys to pick up something? Anything?”

“It just might.” Zac said as I followed him down the hall. “And really, the thing about cleaning is, once you start doing it everyone expects you to continue doing it…”

“Cleaning.” Zac said flopping down into a chair. “And the reason why I won’t start.”

“Actually Zachary, you have brought up something I’ve been meaning to address.” Diana said sitting on the coffee table in front of him. “You and your brother have turned your room into some sort of toxic waste dump and well, I know for sure I won’t be cleaning it and neither will Cleo, so don’t even look at her. You and Tay will be staying in this evening until that hellhole is clean.”

“Did you just roll your eyes at me?” She asked, her mom voice in full effect.

“No… Yes, but Mom, why do I have to clean my room?” Zac asked knowing the look he was getting meant Diana wasn’t in the mood for his argument. “Isn’t there a point in time where I’ve made enough money I can hire someone to clean up after me?”

“Zac, my dear boy, there will never be enough money for that.” Diana said standing and patting him on the head. “Not as long as you live under my roof…”

“Maybe I need to buy my own roof.” Zac mumbled as I tried not to laugh at him. “Shut up Burton! It’s not funny.”

“You know, I wouldn’t have such a hard time keeping it picked up if I wasn’t sharing with Taylor.” Zac snapped. “Mom is just being unreasonable. How can anyone be clean while living with him?”

“You know Zac, I can still hear you.” Diana called from inside her room. He rolled his eyes again and started mocking her. “And I can see you…” He stopped suddenly, his eyes locking on a mirror hanging across from him. In the mirror was a clear reflection of Diana standing watching us, her hand on her hip. “Keep it up little man.”

“Sorry Mom.” Zac mumbled again suddenly finding Jessica’s discarded Seventeen magazine to be incredibly interesting. I watched as Zac flipped through the magazine. He had developed into such a good-looking young man. From the blonde scrub that used to follow me everywhere to this enormous man with his legs stretched out in front of him. He really couldn’t be called blonde anymore; his hair had slowly darkened to a deep caramel color. Ike definitely wasn’t blonde. The only blonde was Taylor and well, his wasn’t as natural as he’d like us all to think. As I watched him flip through the magazine, I wondered what he was thinking about. His face was so serious. Suddenly he stopped. “Hey!! I’m mentioned in this magazine…”

“Ten celebrities who need makeovers!” He said infuriated. “Zac Hanson, 17, drummer from the band Hanson. If anyone needs a makeover it’s this boy! His long hair was cool and out of the ordinary in the beginning, but now it’s played out. He hides his dark good looks behind a curtain of long blonde hair. What are you hiding back there Zac? It isn’t acne or scars, because they don’t show when he pulls it all back. Maybe this teen hottie needs to consult with his two older (and obviously wiser) brothers about the joys of shorter hair. Zac, Wake Up and cut your hair!”

“Am I really a celebrity?” Zac asked a skeptical look falling over his face.

“Of course you are.” I said as he handed me the magazine so I could see the picture of him they had used. It was an older picture, but it showed all of his long blonde hair in all its glory. “Dang, they could have at least used a semi-recent picture.”

“Tell me! That is from the This Time Around tour.” He said shaking his head in disgust. “But really, am I a celebrity?”

“Zac, why do you think there are 100 girls in front of the hotel right now?” I asked dumbfounded.

“I don’t know, to annoy me?” He said slinking down lower into his chair. “To see Taylor? To throw rotten tomatoes at you?”

“They don’t know me.” He said standing up and walking over to the window. He rested his forehead against it almost as if he were trying to see the amassed girls downstairs. “They know next to nothing about me, how can they claim to love me?”

“Ah, but they know what they need to know about you, they know your music.” I said watching as he paced in front of the window. Zac was beginning to look burly like he had before he had gotten sick. He was obviously doing his daily therapy exercises without anyone there to push him. “They can see what I love about you in your songs.”

“I love what is inside of you. I love what makes you deep.” I said smoothing his fuzzy hair down. “And I love you for your long hair.”

“Ah, well, now we get to the real reason.” He said lying down, resting his head in my lap.

“Okay, but maybe we should move to the floor of the bathroom.” He said squinting up at me.

“If the floor of your bathroom is anything like the floor of your room, then I’d be afraid of what I’d catch from it.” I said trying not to smile.

“Yeah, I’m pretty much freaking hilarious.” I said dryly. We sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to Diana’s side of a conversation with someone in Tulsa. Her voice sounded like home, smooth as silk, sweet as honey, lilting softly with her southern tones. “Zac, do you like your life?”

“Yes, your life.” I said absently braiding a strand of his hair. “You know the one that you live on a daily basis, the one where you have to be a good do-bee and answer the questions you’ve answered a thousand times already, the one where you have to wear makeup and smile pretty for the camera…”

“Ah, my life…” he said his eyes taking on a faraway look. “I like my life well enough. It’s the life I have, so what would not liking it get me?”

“But do you sometimes wish you could have stayed home? That none of this would have happened?” I asked moving onto the next strand of hair. “Do you wish you were still that really talented local band from Tulsa?”

“Sometimes…” he sighed again. “But then Taylor comes into the room with all of his ambition and drive and I find myself getting caught up in all of it again. Taylor’s enthusiasm is pretty much contagious. Haven’t you ever noticed that?”

“Taylor can talk anyone into anything.” I said remembering our memorable forays into the adventurous world of Taylor Hanson. One of the best was his obsession with climbing the water tower 3 blocks over. Even Thad and I thought that was just a bit too much. But Taylor had it in his mind that if we climbed to the top of the water tower we would see things no one had ever seen before. He was sure he could touch the sky, gather clouds in his hands, pluck the stars off their velvet background. He talked about it incessantly the spring of 1994. But all of us kept telling him he was crazy, until he stopped talking about it. Then, he concentrated all of his efforts on me. And I always told him no way. That it wasn’t going to happen.

Still, one muggy night, Tay and I sneaked out of the tent and headed over to the water tower. When we finally reached the walkway, we sat down on the side with the least wind. We sat in silence watching the lights of the city reflecting in the river. After a while, we began to chat quietly about the small things in our lives. Things that didn’t even require whole sentences to describe, we knew each other so well. We sat high up above the city as the sky changed from black to a deep blue. The eastern horizon was a pale amethyst, when he stood up and began to climb down. I followed behind him, noticing the police car about a block away. “Tay, we need to hurry.” I said as he began to run down the stairs. I followed as closely as I dared. When we finally hit the ground, we took off running. Just as we ducked into the woods around the tower, the police car pulled over. We lay as flat as we could on the ground hands clamped tightly over our mouths to keep the laughter from breaking loose. Once the police car had left, we scrambled back to our feet and dashed as quickly as we could back to the tent. As we crawled back into our sleeping bags, our eyes met in the quickly brightening tent. That was the first of many times we went on that adventure.

“But, in response to your question.” Zac said as I braided another lock of hair into a tiny braid. “I just wish that my life had more to do with music and less to do with selling myself.”

“I hate almost everything I have to do on a daily basis, but I love the music.” He said sitting up and walking back over to the window. “Why can’t this be about the music? Why is it about whether or not I cut my hair? Or about whether or not you and Tay are still together? Or if Ike is leaving the band to become a fulltime producer? Why can’t people just buy the CD’s and not care about our private lives? And why for God’s sake are they standing out there? What do they really, really want from me? They don’t even know me.”

“Because Zac, when they listen to your music… How do I say this? They think they know you, they think they can see into your heart.” I said walking over to where he stood in front of the window and pulled him into a hug. For some reason, I wanted to comfort him, to reassure him that at least I knew it was about the music. “They have this idea that when you sing “I want you to want me,” you are singing just for them.”

“But, I’m not.” He said his head falling to my shoulder. “I’m just singing a song that works with my voice.”

“But you know, I’ve had a lot of fun.” He said resting his head on my shoulder. “I guess the best thing of all of this, is that I was with my brothers and we had the times of our lives.”

“So, in the end it was worth it?” I asked. He nodded his head silently. Suddenly his arms hanging slack by his side snaked their way around my waist and started to squeeze. “Uh, Zac, I can’t breathe.”

“Yes you can, you’re still talking.” He said leaning forward and lifting me up, carrying me over his shoulder.

“Zac, put me down!” I said as he started walking down the hallway towards his room.

“Ah, but I think it’s time we get everyone ready to go out to dinner…” Zac said dropping me unceremoniously onto a sleeping Taylor.

“Hey sexy!” I said smoothing Taylor’s hair out of his face. “Aren’t you glad to see me?”

“You, yes. Him, not really.” Taylor said smiling as I leaned in and kissed him. “Mm, you smell just like I remember.”

“You taste just like I dreamed you would.” I said kissing him again, sucking his bottom lip into my mouth.

“Aww, are you jealous?” Taylor said rolling me off of him and grabbing Zac. “Do you need a little bit of love?”

“Cleo, I think Zac needs a little love, what do you think?” Tay said pinning Zac to the bed.

“Oh yes, lots and lots of love.” I said leaning in and kissing Zac on the cheek, on the forehead, on the nose. I was covering his face with sloppy Zoë-style kisses. Zac was protesting loudly, trying valiantly to push Taylor off of him, trying to turn his face away from my sticky wet kisses.

Suddenly, the door flew open and a very harried looking Diana was standing in the door. “What in the name of heaven is going on in here?” She asked her hands on her hips. I stopped, looking up at her with enormous, guilty eyes.

Taylor turned toward her nonchalantly. “Hey Mom, we’re just torturing Zac. Wanna help?”

“As long as that’s all that’s going on.” She said a smile spreading across her face. She walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. “Tay, get off your brother.”

Taylor took his knees off of Zac’s elbows, crawling over me he settled on the bed behind where I lay. “How are you, Mom?”

“I’m good, how are you son?” She said reaching down and carefully undoing the braids I had just put in Zac’s hair.

“Wonderful now you’re here.” Tay said resting his hand on my hip. Diana’s eyes moved disapprovingly down to where Taylor’s hand rested in a way too familiar way. “I’ve really missed all of you.”

“Tay, you are such a liar.” Zac said his eyes closed as his mother ran her fingers through his hair, her nails scraping softly over his scalp. “You only really missed Cleo, the family you kinda missed when you wanted Mom’s brownies or some homemade Mac and Cheese…”

“That’s not true.” Taylor said reaching over me and whacking Zac on the chest.

“Boys, stop.” Diana said leaning back on her elbow, continuing to rub Zac’s scalp. Zac was now making a sound in the back of his throat that sounded a lot like purring. “I don’t care if you missed Cleo more honey, just as long as you missed your mama a little bit.”

“Mom, I missed you terribly.” Taylor said leaning over me and putting his elbow in Zac’s chest to kiss his mother on the forehead.

“So, what are the plans for tonight?” Diana asked grabbing Zac’s hand as he reached out to smack Taylor.

“I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m pretty much starving.” Zac said his eyes opening to mere slits.

“Hey, what’s going on in here?” A very tired and tousled looking Isaac asked from the doorway.

“Nothing, baby.” Diana said pushing on Zac who scooted closer to me. I in turn scooted right up against Taylor. Isaac came and settled on the edge of the bed. “Ike, honey, you look really tired.”

“I just need a nap.” He said yawning and stretching. As the realization of what he’d just said hit him, he grimaced a little. “I mean, I need a shower, I just got up from a nap.”

“Methinks, he doth protest too much.” Zac whispered into my ear. I started to giggle. “You know what we haven’t done in almost forever?”

“We haven’t tickled Cleo until she wet her pants in forever.” Zac said opening one eye and looking at me.

“No, we haven’t and maybe we should continue on in that pattern.” I said noticing that at that suggestion Taylor’s arm tightened around my middle. I started to squirm my way towards the end of the bed.

“Mom!! Cleo stuck her tongue out at me!” Zac said as his mother walked out the door. She just waved her hand behind her in a dismissive gesture. I guess after hearing things like that for so long, you just get tired of hearing it. “I guess we have to be nice to you now.”

“Finally! After a lifetime of torture, you will be nice to me.” I said pushing on Zac and Taylor. “Come on, get off of me.”

“Hey, first Dad and now you?” Taylor said pushing Zac off of me. Once he had me free, he wrapped both his arms around me and wrapped one of his long legs around my legs. I was as close to covered with a blanket of Taylor as I was going to get. “Why are all the men in this family constantly moving in on my woman.”