 |
Is your love strong
enough?
Just one step at a time |
And
I was right, he did survive and it was okay.
My time in Tulsa was busy, insanely busy. But really, it made sense everything was crazy, a new album
was coming out. A new album
showing how much they had grown up in the last 6 months.
I had gone through my “refiners fire” when Thad died, they went
through theirs when they thought they’d lose Zac.
Luckily for them, Zac was fine and writing some of the most amazing
music ever. He had a new maturity
that was awe inspiring to those of us who had watched him not grow up all his
life.
As
a point of fact to how well Taylor was doing without me, the three of them
were quite the party boys. While
in New York, they hadn’t passed up a chance to go out and play, play, play.
Each morning I would open my hanson.net account to find the countless
accounts of the sightings from the night before.
Honestly, it was mind boggling to see how very many people Isaac,
Taylor and Zac were able to interact with each day.
Apparently, Taylor’s happiness in the face of the crowd indicated to
the masses he was finally over me. There
were entire sites being dedicated to a post-Cleo Taylor.
I laughed when I read how much happier he was without me by his side.
In fact, stories about the horrible and bitchy things I never did
started to crop up all over the Internet.
I knew how much those stories bothered Taylor, so I hoped he wasn’t
seeing them. Then I laughed
thinking, if only they could hear the deep sighs and endless whines I heard
each day in the phone. Every day
he’d call me and tell me how badly he missed me, how hopeless his days were
without me, how he felt like every smile was a lie.
I pointed out the happy pictures posted online, the stories of him
laughing and flirting with the countless girls.
I also pointed out he wasn’t that good of an actor, so I knew he was
having fun. He always made a lame
excuse about putting forward a happy face.
Of
course, the story I was getting from Isaac and Zac did paint a slightly
different picture from both the girls and Taylor. They said Taylor did sigh a lot and look out windows with a
far away, dreamy look on his face. He
doodled aimlessly in his journal, drawing endless pictures of faces that were
supposed to be me. They told me
every time they stopped in a store, he always picked up little knick-knacks
and said how much they reminded him of me.
But, they also told me he was having a ball.
He was the one who went out each morning to pick up coffee from the
Starbucks down the block. He was
the one engaging many of the fans in conversation.
He was the one who found out who was playing and where.
Zac even told me Taylor seemed to be having a totally wonderful time. Of
course, every time I pointed this out to him, he would sigh and tell me it
would be that much more fun if I was there.
“Aww,
come on Taylor, you saw the Rolling Stones last night!”
I insisted. “Don’t
tell me you were only pretending to enjoy that!”
“Naw…”
He said slyly. “It was pretty
cool that Mick-freaking-Jagger knew who I was.”
“He
did?” I asked hoping I sounded
surprised. I had already talked
to Zac and knew the whole story. Still
Zac had told me to act surprised when Taylor told me the story, cause it had
made him giddy. Zac told me that
Taylor had been literally dumbfounded by the evenings events.
And to be honest, when Zac had told me the story, I had been completely
astounded. I mean, I know
they’re famous, but sometimes it still blows me away how famous they are.
“Yeah,
I guess his youngest daughter Georgia loves us.” Taylor said quietly. “He
walked right up to me and said “Ah, yes!
The infamous Hanson’s. You
have no idea how often I hear your music.”
I almost freaked! Can you
even imagine? Mick Jagger knew
who we were! It felt like I was
dreaming or in the middle of some really weird fantasy.
Of course, any true fantasy has you in it.”
“Tay,
you’re a dork.” I smiled,
knowing exactly what Mick Jagger had said to him the night before.
Mick had pointedly said his daughter loved him.
I knew she loved Taylor because Mick’s publicist had called last week
and had asked if it would be possible for me to set up a meeting between
Georgia and Taylor. Still, I could hear the smile in his voice.
It made him happy Mick Jagger had not only known who he was, but he had
talked to him, approached him even. “Still,
that is amazing.”
“I
must say it was very cool.” Taylor
said. I could practically see him
ducking his head, trying to hide how pleased he was. He didn’t want to be cocky, but he was so excited.
“Sounds
cool!” I said movement near the
door distracting me. Diana was
standing in the doorway smiling at me. “I’m
sorry I missed it.”
“I’m
sorry you missed it too.” He
said followed by a deep sigh. Diana
leaned against the doorjamb watching me closely.
“Uh,
Tay…” I said. “You’re Mom
is here, so I really got to run. But,
I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay,”
he said a pout in his voice. “When
are you coming?”
“Umm,
I think next weekend.” I said
as Diana came and sat at the chair across from me.
She nodded her head affirmatively.
“Yeah, next weekend.”
“Man,
that seems so long.” Taylor
whined.
“But,
you know what?” I asked rubbing
at my forehead. “Eight days is
nothing! Hell, you’ve already
been gone 15 days and you’ve survived.
When I get there, you won’t even believe how quickly time has
passed.”
“I
suppose.” He said sighing
again. “I miss you and I love
you.”
“I
love you too.” I said my eyes
trailing across the framed picture of Taylor and I on my desk. “Goodbye, my sweet.”
“Until
next time.” He said and then he
was gone. Gone off into the day
so very far away from me.
I
sighed, I missed him a lot more than I ever let on, but why make a bad
situation worse? Why fuel the
fire? I gently placed the phone
in its cradle, looking up at Diana. “How
can I help you?” I asked
sounding a lot happier than I felt.
“I
just came in to see you.” Diana
said reaching across my desk and squeezing my hand.
“To see how you’re doing…”
“I’m
good.” I said my smile
faltering a little. “I’m so
busy…”
“I
know.” She said sitting back.
“I was hoping you’d have time to go to lunch with me.”
“Lunch?”
I asked.
“You
know, the meal you have at mid-day, between breakfast and supper.”
“Very
funny.” I said moving some of
the papers on my desk around. I
pulled up a travel site on my laptop. “So,
how many tickets should I book to New York?”
“Oh,
well, let me see…” Diana said her eyes clouding over. “Me, you, Walker, Jess, Avery, Mac, Zoë and Jessica…
So, eight?”
“You
counted Jess twice.” I said
typing in the travel information.
“Oh,
didn’t you know that we hired Jessica to work for us?”
“Jessica?”
“Yeah,
the girl who used to work for Zac’s physical therapist?”
Diana said as I typed quickly, or as quickly as I can.
“The kids call her Loveboat. So
no one gets confused.”
“Really?”
I asked shocked Diana had hired someone who wasn’t family or a
lifelong friend. “How did that
happen?”
“Well,
I was in Hometown the other day and I saw her.
I asked her how she was doing and she told me.”
Diana said smiling. “It
seems the hospital had to scale back the therapy unit.
And since she had the least seniority, she was laid off.”
“What
a drag.” I said.
“Yeah,
when I talked to her, she was about 3 days from having to pack up and go home.
But as I talked to her, it occurred to me that with you here full time,
I couldn’t call you to come and stay with Mac and Zoë while I ran Avie and
Jess to dance or a doctor’s appointment.
And, the kids absolutely love her.
Zoë is her shadow. She
grabs her hand as soon as she arrives and won’t let go until she has to
leave. But, I’m sure if you
came over she’d be all over you…” She said quickly.
I guess my face must have fallen.
I had to admit the idea of Zoë loving on someone else was very
disturbing. But the fact that I
found it disturbing was also disturbing.
“And she aggravates Zac so much, it’s an added bonus.”
Diana said picking up the picture on my desk.
Another smile stealing across her face as she saw mine and Taylor’s
beaming faces. “You really love
him don’t you?”
“Taylor?”
I asked amazed she would even ask me that.
She nodded affirmatively. “Yes,
of course!”
“Cleo,
if I ask you something, do you promise not to get mad or to just give me the
standard answer?” Diana asked.
"Sure.”
I said a little scared of what she was about to ask me.
“Do
you love Taylor as much as he loves you?”
She asked a look of concern on her face. Diana sat running her fingers gently over Taylor’s face in
the picture. “To him, you are
the sun, the moon and the stars… He’d
die for you. And it has pretty
much always been that way.”
“Diana,
I can honestly say that I can’t imagine loving anything more than I love
Tay. There are many things in
this world that I’m not sure of, but of this I am.
I love him.” I said
quietly.
“You
know, lust is very, very powerful.” She
said finally locking eyes with me. “Are
you sure it’s love and not just lust?”
“I’m
pretty sure.” I said.
“But
you do have sex, right?” Diana
asked a look of distinct discomfort flitting across her features so much like
Taylor’s.
“Well,
yes, but not as often as everyone thinks…” I said my mind straying back to
the night of his birthday and our broken plans.
I know everyone thinks Taylor and I run off every opportunity we get
and boink like bunnies, but that isn’t true.
The fact of the matter is Taylor and I spend most of our alone time
just holding hands. Our hands are
so perfectly suited to one another it’s almost scary. His fingers just have to brush mine and they instantly weave
themselves through his. And our
hands are always a perfect match, no awkwardness, no fingers off.
And I know what each scar and imperfection on his hand is from.
There is a little scar on the outside of his left hand just below the
pinky from when he ran through the sliding glass door, the companion to the
one below his eye. There is small
half-moon scar on the back of ring finger on his right hand from the time he
was trying to fish the tab out of a can or Dr. Pepper, for a reason none of us
ever fathomed. There were three
almost perfectly circular scars on the back of his left hand from when I
accidentally stomped on his hand in my soccer cleats.
And all the little scars around his poor fingernails that had been
chewed past the quick on more than one occasion.
“Fine,
frequency aside,” Diana said her cheeks flushing a startling shade of pink.
A shade reminiscent of the one Taylor blushes.
“You do… make love…
Or whatever you want to call it.”
“Yes,
we do.” I answered.
It occurred to me that the conversation was probably a lot more
uncomfortable for her than it was for me.
“But, the physical act, the sex, that isn’t love.
Or at least, that isn’t what I love most about him…”
"Cleo,
you aren’t going to leave again are you?”
She asked all in a rush. So,
it comes down to this. This is
what this whole conversation was about. She
wanted to know if I was going to break Taylor’s heart again, wanted to know
if I was going to run away again, just wanted to know. “Because, I don’t know if he would survive you leaving
again. And I know for sure I
couldn’t watch him go through that again.”
“I’m
going to marry him.” I said
firmly. “Diana, I assure you,
the only way this won’t happen, is if he leaves me.”
“Well,
Taylor has an amazing stubbornness about him.”
Diana said watching me closely. Almost
as though she were trying to memorize my face.
“If he decides something is right, you can almost never sway him
another direction. And if he
decides he needs a particular thing…”
“Like
a black BMW?” I asked.
“A
lot like a black BMW.” She said
a laugh bubbling out of her. Taylor’s
BMW was an extravagant expense that his parents thought was totally
unnecessary. Taylor had a red
Nissan, a brand new SUV with only a couple thousand miles on it.
But, one afternoon, he drove past a BMW dealership and fell in love
with the gorgeous black car sitting just inside the showroom window.
When he got home and told his dad he wanted to buy an eighty-seven
thousand dollar car. Walker had
laughed telling him not under any circumstances was Taylor going to pay more
for a car than he had spent on the house on 78th street.
Despite that, Taylor had just decided if his dad wasn’t going to let
him get the money out of his trust fund, he’d just go and finance it.
Taylor had walked back into Crown Auto World with all of the cash he
currently had in his checking account. He
had driven off the lot with the most tricked out car ever.
It had everything… When
he’d pulled up in front of his house, Walker had just walked out and had
shook his head in disbelief. “He
will get that particular thing. And
he decided a long, long time ago that he loved you.
You were the girl for him from the beginning.”
“Really?”
I asked.
“Oh
yes!” Diana said the smile
still on her face, but her eyes were far away.
“He was sitting on the dryer talking to me as I folded laundry.
He couldn’t have been more than 8 years old and he was telling me his
life plan. He wanted to sing at
Mayfest, he wanted to be the most famous person in the world, he wanted to
sing for the president, he wanted his own bedroom and he wanted to marry you
when he turned 15.”
“Fifteen?”
I asked. “No wonder he
keeps bugging me to set a date for our wedding.
We’re behind schedule.”
“I’d
say so.” Diana said standing
and stretching. “So, come on,
let’s go get some lunch. You
can tell me all about your dream wedding…”
“I
don’t know…” I said my eyes gliding over the pile of work on my desk.
“I have a lot to do…”
“If
your bosses can’t spare you for an hour, then well, you need a new job.”
Diana said reaching out for my hand.
“Come on, what kind of dress do you want?”
“Oh,
didn’t I tell you, I want to get married in cut-offs and a halter top in
Vegas.” I said grasping her
long thin fingers. “Barefoot
and carefree, married by an Elvis impersonator…”
“Don’t
you dare!!” Diana said slinging
her arm across my shoulders. “It
would break your poor mothers heart.”
“I
don’t know about that.” I
said as we walked out of the house arm in arm.
“Oh,
I think it would.” Diana said
as we climbed into her car. “She
loves you, she really does. When
you were first born, I was pregnant with Ike and just miserable in the
mid-summer heat. So, going with
her to the hospital to sit next to your incubator was a way to get out of the
heat. I would sit and rock Thad
and she would sit and watch you. Thad
was so much bigger than you, but sometimes I wondered if he had been the one
in the incubator if he’d have survived.”
“Why’s
that?” I asked.
I loved to hear her voice, loved that faraway dreamlike quality of it.
She made me feel like I was so important, like my past was something
worth talking about.
“Because,
you were a fighter. You were tiny
and fragile and angry as hell.” Diana
said as she drove along the familiar Tulsa streets.
“Thad who had been born whole and strong, when he cried, it was so
quiet. When you cried,
everyone knew. You sounded like a
cat yowling. So, when you’d
cry, she couldn’t pick you up, but she would talk to you. She would put her hand into the incubator and touch you
softly, telling you about all the amazing things that were coming in your
life. She sat and planned your
wedding. Dreaming of you in a
long white dress, white roses and babies breath in your curly hair, a
reception that would be the social event of the year.
She would tell you of the beautiful girl you were going to be. Describing you in terms that don’t even come close to the
reality of you. She would smooth
her fingers over your thin chest, telling me that she loved to feel how hard
you fought for every breath, telling me that she knew you were going to be a
fighter. You were so tiny…”
“My
dad told me once that I was so tiny, I scared her.” I said quietly.
“Even
I was terrified of you!” Diana
said emphatically. “You looked
too small to be real.”
“Well,
I was real.” I said as
she pulled into the parking lot of a nice seafood restaurant..
“I
know, I’m glad you’re such a feisty person.”
Diana said as we climbed out of the car. “You may be the only person in this world who is more
stubborn than my second born son.”
Then
true to her words, Diana and I sat through lunch and talked about weddings.
She told me about her and Walkers wedding, about my parents wedding....
And it was then that it occurred to me how abnormal I must be, cause I
had no idea what my dream wedding would consist of. I had never thought of where I wanted to get married, what I
wanted to wear, where I thought I would register, who was going to be in my
line, how many guests... And then
she started asking me questions that just made my head swim.
Had I thought of what type of food I wanted to serve?
What type of cake? A DJ or
a live band? It had never, ever
occurred to me I should know those things.
By the time she dropped me back off at the office, I was pretty sure I
never wanted to get married. I,
of course, was going to marry Taylor, but dang…
There was so much to do and I hardly felt equal to the task at hand.
But,
as I walked through the doors of the airport and was practically tackled by
Avery, the panic quickly fled. “Cleo!!”
She said wrapping her long arms around me.
“It seems like forever since I saw you last.”
“Avery,
it was only a couple weeks…” I
said as she started grabbing at my bags and dragging me towards where her
family was standing.
“Guess
what?” She whispered.
“What?”
I asked as she pulled me even with her family.
“Jessica
has a boyfriend.” Avery
whispered again.
“Well,
Jessica is a college student…” I said.
“Not
Loveboat, but Jess.” Avery
stressed. “He’s older.”
“So,
Jess, you like older men? I like
younger ones myself.” I said to
a scowling Jessica.
“Shut
up Avery.” Jessica said
slugging Avery on the arm.
“Jessica
Grace!” Diana said from behind
us. “You apologize to Avery
right now.”
“Sorry.”
She said a stormy look on her face. We
had arrived at the security gates and all of us unloaded our carry on luggage
onto the various belts.
“Say
it and mean it.” Diana said
coming up behind Jessica. Jessica
jumped not expecting her mother to be standing directly behind her.
“Avie,
I’m sorry I hit you.” Jessica
said. “I won’t let it happen
again.”
“Thank
you.” Diana said smiling,
sweeping Jessica’s long blond hair over her shoulder.
“That wasn’t so hard. Mac…
Mac! Joshua Mackenzie!
Put that down…”
“So,
who is this mystery man?” I
asked watching as Diana chased Mac around the security area.
Zoë was in the process of climbing my body, using the tread on her
shoes to get really good purchase in the flesh of my legs.
She isn’t very heavy, but each time she moved up me, she pulled on
the bag that had my laptop in it (which was heavy) and it felt like my
collarbone was about to snap under the pressure.
“No
one.” She said a sly smile
stealing across her face. “His
name is Marcus Wiscomb.”
“Yeah?”
I asked raising my eyebrow at her as Zoë settled herself onto my
laptop bag. Now if Mac would only
come over and demand he get a piggyback ride, I would really, really feel at
home.
“Cleo,
Jessica kissed a boy.” Zoë
said a solemn look on her face. “Not
like how you and Taylor kiss, but I sawed it.”
“God,
what is it with this family!” Jessica
said stomping her foot. Again, I
was totally reminded of Taylor. “Why
is everything anyone does everyone’s business?”
“Jess,
you’ve lived in this family for 15 years now…” Diana said slinging her
arm across Jessica’s shoulders and dragging a squirming Mac behind her.
“I would have thought by now you’d have figured out that living in
a house with 8 other people means no privacy.
And I want you to watch your language young lady.”
“Geez
Jess,” Mac said. “Don’t get
all gross and mushy like Cleo and Tay.”
“We
are not gross and mushy.” I
protested.
“Uh,
yes you are.” Mac said again.
“I’ll
have to go with my son on this one.” Diana
said lifting Zoë off of my bag. “You
two border on disgusting.”
“We
don’t…” I started.
“I
think it’s romantic.” Avery
said grabbing hold of my hand.
I
looked around realizing that Diana was wrestling with her four youngest on her
own. “Where’s Loveboat?”
I asked.
“She
had something to do this morning.” Diana
said grabbing Mac as he started to climb over the chairs.
“Hopefully, she doesn’t miss the plane.
I don’t think I could do New York without her.”
“Of
course you could.” I said as
Avery, Jessica and I walked along the corridor foot over foot.
“Not
now, not with how crazy everything has gotten lately.”
Diana said. “I need
another set of eyes to help me watch them.”
“Diana!”
A voice called behind us. “Diana,
I’m so sorry! I arrived at your
house just minutes after you left… And
then I had a flat tire and got lost on my way to the airport…” Loveboat
said as she came running up next to us. “Then
I never thought I’d get through security.
They wouldn’t believe that I was with you, so they made me stand in
line. Hey Cleo.”
“Hey,”
I began, but just then Loveboat almost toppled forward onto her face as Mac
jumped up onto her back.
“Mackenzie,
you get down.” Diana said not
angry but tired from fighting with her children.
“Aww,
Mom…” Mac whined. “You
don’t tell me to jump down when I jump on Tay or Zac or even Cleo.”
“Well,
maybe I’ll start.” Diana said
as he slid off of Loveboat’s back.
“Does
Zac know you’ve hired me yet?” Loveboat
asked as Mac slid his hand into hers.
“Not
yet. I was thinking the shock of
seeing you will let us all know if his heart’s okay.”
Diana said laughing as we reached our gate. We all settled into the truly uncomfortable plastic seats and
began the process of waiting. It
is truly astounding how good at waiting the Hanson children were.
I guess after almost 7 years, the waiting had become a part of their
lives. They lived a life that
involved airports, hotels and venues. No
wonder home had such a draw for them. I
watched and listened as each of them descended into their preferred form of
distraction. Jessica was reading a Seventeen magazine.
Avery was drawing a picture of two people, who looked a lot like they
might be Jessica and Marcus Wiscomb holding hands.
Mac had his Gameboy advance clutched in his hands, his tongue sticking
out of the corner of his mouth. Zoë
was busily undressing her Barbie. And
I was just glad to get off my feet.
“At least we aren’t getting back on the bus yet.” Diana sighed as she lowered herself into the chair next to mine.
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