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She's
a Jar
She's a jar
When I forget how to talk I sing
Are there really ones like these
I believe it's just because
Just climb aboard
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“Cleo, can you hand me that?” Taylor said whispering in my ear. I followed his hand looking to where he was pointing.
“You want this?” I asked picking up the porcelain bride and groom. “Why do you want this?”
“Why don’t you know that?” He asked. “If you have to ask… Maybe I should just go.”
“Taylor, don’t leave.” I said watching him leave. His back moved away from me quickly. I started to run after him, but no matter how fast I ran he somehow managed to stay way ahead of me. “Taylor!! Wait!!”
He turned and looked at me, raising his hand and waving goodbye. He stepped through a doorway. I ran to it, trying desperately to open it. But the door was locked. Locked tight. I noticed what looked like a doorbell and began to press it, the world filled with a loud buzzing. The buzzing was constant. The buzzing wouldn’t go away. The buzzing….
I stretched over and hit my alarm. The buzzing was just more than I could take. But the buzzing continued. I sat up, grabbing my head, my stomach rolling unnaturally. Taylor and I had spent most of the night lying in bed talking, drinking the bottle of champagne (followed closely by another bottle of champagne), just holding each other. I flopped back into the bed something had caused the buzzing to stop. I rolled onto my side and looked at the sleeping face of Taylor. He looked so sweet and so young. I touched his arm and he lifted it so I could slide into his arms. We were both settled in, when the buzzing began again. But as my fuzzy brain seemed to be a little bit more awake, more aware, I realized it wasn’t my alarm. I rolled onto my back and listened, squinting up at the ceiling, trying to figure out what was making that noise.
And then, it was gone again.
I lifted my very sore head again and checked out the time. 6:53 am. Way too early for me to be awake, I rolled back over onto my side, pulling the blankets up around my ears. But, the buzzing was back and coming from somewhere near the end of my bed. I carefully crawled to the end of the bed, moving smoothly so I didn’t jar my pounding head. The buzzing was coming from Taylor’s pants. I reached down and liberated his cell phone from his pocket.
“Hello?” I said quietly.
“About damn time.” Zac said way too loudly. “What do you have the phone in your apartment and your cell turned off?”
“I don’t think so.” I said resting my head against the footboard of my bed.
“Well, I’ve been calling for the last 10 minutes.” Zac said again in his way too loud voice.
“Zac what in the name of God are you doing calling me at 6:54 am?” I asked. My voice was rousing Taylor, his feet were moving under the blankets.
“Cleo, what is it?” He asked blearily.
“I’m calling to save you and Taylor’s collective ass.” Zac said a note of exasperation in his voice. “If you know what’s good for you, you and Tay need to get out of bed and get some clothing on before my parents arrive.”
“Your parents are on their way?” I asked, wishing the overwhelming feeling of nausea would go away.
“What?” Taylor asked loudly, drowning out Zac’s answer. Suddenly, he was a flurry of movement, jumping out of bed, pulling on his boxers. “Oh shit!”
“Yeah, my mom came up about 20 minutes ago to check on us,” Zac said through an enormous sounding yawn. “When she checked on Tay’s bed, it was empty. I mean, he didn’t even have the brains to make it look like he was in his bed.”
“How do you know they’re on their way here?” Taylor demanded after he yanked the phone out of my hands. I moved slowly as I searched around for some clothes to pull on. “Do I have time to get out of here? Fine, thanks for calling and warning us.” Taylor hung up his phone and slid it back into his pocket. As I pulled on some baggy pajama bottoms, Taylor hurriedly straightened the bed. “Okay, the plan is: we go and lay on the couch in the living room, make it look like we just fell asleep talking.”
“Do you really think they’ll buy we fell asleep on the couch?” I asked following him into the kitchen, where he quickly stowed the evidence of the champagne and fruit. I watched as he grabbed a broom and swept all the rose petals and candles into Emory’s room.
“No, but they won’t see any evidence of any other activities will they? And really, what they think happened didn’t happen, did it?” Taylor said as he finished sweeping all the evidence into Emory’s room. He disappeared into my room and came back out with his shoes and socks. He sat on the couch. “Come here.” He said wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me down onto the couch next to him. I sat next to him and he pulled me back against his shoulder, spreading the chenille blanket over both of us. “Shh… now just try to relax and fall back asleep.”
I closed my eyes, but there was no way in hell I was going to be able to fall asleep. I was too wound up, my head hurt too bad and I was just not going to give in and fall asleep. Taylor wrapped his arms around and snuffled into my hair. He heaved a deep sigh, pulling me tightly against his chest. He hummed softly to me; I think the song was either Save Me or maybe Breakdown. He was so warm and smelled so good, I could feel his voice vibrating through his chest. God, I loved his voice. Taylor always sang to me whenever things got hard or complicated. Taylor sang when he thought words wouldn’t mean as much. And suddenly, the unthinkable was happening. I was falling asleep.
“…Cleo, keep up!” Taylor called over his shoulder as he ran along the unfamiliar street. “You have to stay with me!” He said reaching back towards me. His long fingers caught the tips of my fingers.
“Taylor, slow down!” I yelled as he began to pull me along behind him. My feet were flying over the pavement, my foot would literally just hit the pavement and be ripped up again. His speed was astounding. “Please, slow down.”
“I can’t, we have a reservation.” He called over his shoulder at me. His words flew past me like the wind. I could feel my fingers slipping against his; I wouldn’t be able to hold his hand much longer. Suddenly, our fingers were no longer touching. Without his strong forward motion, I almost felt like I was going backwards his back was moving away from me so fast. “Cleo, hurry or we’ll be late!”
I tried to run as fast as he was, I just couldn’t catch up to him. But, I could still see him, still see that he was running away from me. He stopped and turned toward me, signaling wildly for me to hurry. I watched as he walked through a door. I pushed as hard as I could, tried to make my feet move as fast as they had with Taylor pulling me. I skidded to a stop in front of the door Taylor had disappeared through, leaning forward my hands on my knees, gulping huge lungful after lungful of air. I slowly stumbled up the pathway to the door, I grabbed the doorknob, but it wouldn’t budge. I tried jiggling it, but it wouldn’t give. I started banging on the door, slamming my fists against it. “Taylor!! Taylor, open up! I don’t want to be late!!” I pounded on the door, desperate to get inside. “I can’t be late…”
“Late for what?” Taylor asked groggily as he pushed against my shoulder.
“Where are you going?” I asked flopping back against the arm of the couch.
“To get the door.” He mumbled, stretching and yawning. He pulled the door open. “Mom, Dad, what’re you doing here?”
“I think I could ask you the same thing.” Diana said walking into my apartment. “If I remember correctly you’re not only grounded, but your father took away your car keys.”
“About that…” Taylor began.
“Really, right about now, I don’t want to hear it.” Walker said as Diana settled on the couch next to me. “All I know is that you not only did you sneak out of the house, you participated in an activity that you’d agreed to refrain from.”
“We didn’t have sex.” I said pulling my legs up against my chest. “Taylor just wanted to come over and celebrate with me.”
“Really?” Walker said striding into the kitchen. “Why do I find that hard to believe?”
“Actually, that isn’t why we’re here right now.” Diana said smiling tightly. She obviously didn’t want to have an in depth discussion about mine and Taylor’s sexual habits. I think one such conversation would probably last her a lifetime. “We’re here to take you two out to breakfast.”
“Breakfast?” I asked my stomach doing an unpleasant back flip.
“Yeah, Cleo, go throw on some clothes and we’ll go to IHOP.” Walker said coming back into the living room.
“Okay,” I said standing up and wandering back into my room. I absently pulled on my clothing, worrying and wondering exactly what was about to happen. And I was also worrying about how I was going to keep my breakfast down. I stepped in front of my mirror and what I had just pulled on would have to do, even if I were a fashion disaster. My chin was a symphony of colors, black and blue and a deep red. I flexed my hands and my knees; the scrapes were definitely stiffening up. I stretched, feeling the scabs crack and stretch. I was sore and tired and hungover. I just hand no desire to go eat. I walked over to the door and leaned my head up against it listening intently to the soft sounds of indistinct conversation. I could hear the tone in both Walker and Diana’s voices. They sounded happy, relaxed. This morning could be any other morning. “I’m ready.” I said walking out of my room and pulling a baggy sweatshirt on over the 1996 Mayfest t-shirt I’d just forced my body into.
“Cleo, I think we pay you enough to get some t-shirts that actually fit.” Diana said laughing as I put my long hair up in a scrunchy.
“Yeah, but mom, she looks so good in the tight ones…” Taylor said coming behind me and placing a soft kiss on my newly exposed neck.
“You two…” Walker said rolling his eyes. He walked up behind us and slung his arms across both of our shoulders. “You two are as sick as Zac says.”
“Thanks Dad.” Taylor said pointing his key at his car and hitting the unlock button. His black BMW gave a satisfying beep as the alarm disarmed and the doors unlocked. “So, meet at the IHOP?”
“Yeah.” Walker said climbing into the huge Suburban the boys had given him for Christmas.
Diana walked up to me and gave me a huge hug. “Cleo, I just love you so much. We’ll see you in a minute.” She said turning and jogging over to where Walker was waiting for her.
I climbed into Taylor’s car. “So, what exactly do you think that was all about?” I asked clicking on my seatbelt as Taylor threw the car into reverse. “Do you think that they’re gonna slip some Saltpeter into our food?”
“You know, we have abided by the “agreement” pretty much to the letter…” Taylor started a note of anger and frustration in his voice.
“Taylor, we have not.” I said leaning my head back. “You know we haven’t.”
“Yeah, but as far as they know, we have.” Taylor said angrily swiping his hair off of his forehead. “I mean, for all they know, we’ve been as good as Isaac and Emory.”
“Tay, I don’t think your mom thinks we’ve been anywhere near as good as Ike and Em.” I said, smoothing my hand down his arm, linking my fingers through his where they rested on the stick. “In fact, I would bet money that THEY aren’t as good as we all think.”
“Yeah.” He said quietly. His face was a study of concentration, his brow pulled together, his lip thrust forward. He looked so young, petulant. I expect if we were standing he would stomp his foot in fury. Instead, he just drove with his eyes straight ahead, shifting his car sharply, he punched angrily at the stereo so that music, very loud music, filled the small car.
“I’m sure everything will be fine.” I said smiling. If only I meant it. I was seriously worried about what was about to happen. As Taylor began to absently sing along with the Wilco CD, I couldn’t stop wondering what Diana and Walker had in mind? And, what could they do to us? I mean, I don’t think they’d forbid us to see each other, let alone get married. And really, how could they? I turned to watch the world flow by, my stomach doing uncomfortable flips backward. As the familiar sites sped by my worry mounted higher and higher. I mean, we are both adults and they couldn’t keep us apart if that’s what they are planning on doing. But would sweet, loving Taylor ever go against his beloved mother’s wishes? Not in this lifetime. I honestly couldn’t think of a situation where he would willfully go against his mother. Well, of course, there was last night, but this was more of a momentary indiscretion, a youthful fling. But as far as out and out disobedience… I just don’t see that ever happening.
“Cleo, do you remember Milton Venable?” Taylor asked suddenly pulling me out of my deep thoughts.
“Milt?” I asked. This question was totally out of left field. In fact, this question basically came from another playing field. “That squinty kid who lived over on 77th street?”
“Yeah.” Taylor said his eyes locked on the road. His eyes had a preternatural shine to them, I could tell he was biting the inside of his lip.
“What about Milt?” I asked. Milton had always been very different. Actually, that wasn’t true. He had been normal when we were young, but then he’d had an accident when he was about 11 years old. After that he’d gotten strange. The last time I’d seen him, he was working in a comic book shop and wearing his Star Trek uniform.
“I remember once asking him about his accident.” Taylor said his voice as small and faraway as his eyes.
“Yeah?” Milton had climbed into an abandoned refrigerator while a bunch of the kids from the neighborhood had been playing hide and seek. He had almost died. But luckily, someone found him. He had suffered minor brain damage and he had to wear really, really thick glasses afterwards, but at least he’d lived.
“And he told me he had thought his heart was going to jump out of his chest cause he was so scared of the complete darkness inside.” Taylor said quietly. “He told me as his vision abandoned him, fear became almost like one of his senses. The fear seemed to heighten his awareness, sharpen his hearing. He said he could even taste his breath. That is how I feel right now.”
“Taylor, we are both of age, if we really want to be together we can be.” I said as he turned into the parking lot of the IHOP.
“Cleo, be honest.” He said as he pulled on the parking brake. “If they really, really wanted to, they could make it very hard for us to be together.”
“I know.” I said turning towards him as he undid his seatbelt. “But I don’t think that’ll happen. I just don’t.”
“I wish I was as sure as you are.” He said his head dropping forward, his chin resting against his chest. “I just know I’ll die without you.”
“No, you won’t. You’d be just fine, better than just fine, you’d be wonderful.” I said putting my hand under his chin. “Tay, I just don’t think your parents are going to try and separate us. I really, really don’t.”
“We’ll see.” He said leaning forward and placing a kiss on my lips, just as my car door popped open.
“Come on lovebirds.” Walker said holding his hand out to help me out of the car. “Dang Cleo, you are all scraped and bruised looking today.”
“Aww, it’s not that bad.” I said standing and flexing my sore knees. I dutifully followed Walker and Diana into the restaurant. My hand clamped firmly in Taylor’s. I wriggled my fingers trying to let Taylor know that he was hurting me. Then, he was dragging me across the parking lot, his long legs taking much, much longer steps than I could keep up with. It felt like déjà vu or like my dream becoming flesh. “Tay, slow down…” I said as he pulled the door open.
“What?” He asked as I walked into the restaurant.
“Never mind,” I said finally wresting my hand from his. I stepped through the second set of doors and was instantly immersed in the strong smells of coffee and pancakes. I closed my eyes and took a depth breath and let the years peel back. The sounds of the restaurant were so instantly familiar; I could have sworn I heard Thad laughing in the back. I could practically taste the too sweet chocolate syrup. My fingers ached not just because Taylor held my hand so tightly, but because I wanted to run my fingers through Thad’s messy hair. I opened my eyes. The world wasn’t the world of 1996. Thad wasn’t in the back waiting for me, I knew this. My eyes slowly swept over the wall of fame. I caught snatches of me, Ike, Thad, Jarrod, Tay, Zac… Really, all the people I loved were up on that wall.
“Sugar?” I heard a voice say. I was reading an article about Ike, Tay and Zac and their plans after they had cancelled the last tour.
“Hey Madge,” Taylor said, his voice sweet as sugar and smooth as honey. “How are you beautiful?”
“Who’s the beautiful one?” Madge said coming over and giving Taylor a big hug. He hugged her back not letting go of my hand. “It’s taken you long enough to come see me… I could just spank you!”
“Sorry, I’ve just been busy.” Taylor said shrugging his shoulders.
“Mm hmm…. Likely story.” Madge said patting his cheek affectionately.
“Well, you know, there is Ike’s wedding and mine to plan.” Taylor answered.
“You’re getting married?” She said surprised. “To who?”
“You know Cleo…” Tay said yanking on me, putting his arm around me protectively. “Show her your ring.”
“Cleo?” Madge said a note of total disbelief in her voice. I held my left hand out so she could see the gorgeous platinum and diamond ring. She took hold of my hand between her thumb and index finger, her nose wrinkled as if she were holding something disgusting. “Is your younger brother coming?”
“Uh, no. We came with my parents.” Taylor said nodding to where Walker was waving for us to join them. “Is that your table beautiful?”
“That it is sugar.” Madge said as we walked away from her and over to the booth.
“Why do I feel like an infidel during the inquisition?” I asked under my breath.
“Because, you are.” Taylor answered as I slid into the booth across from a smiling Diana.
“You are what?” Diana asked her voice sunny. But I swear behind her smile I could see her shark teeth glinting. I mean, Diana was being artificially happy and way too chipper.
“Nothing, I just told Tay that I thought I was dressed like a freak.” I said smiling back at Diana. The simple act of smiling making my head hurt.
“You’re so beautiful you’d look amazing in a paper sack.” Diana said as she looked over the menu. “The food here looks yummy. No wonder you kids come here so often.”
“Wow, some of these breakfasts are virtual pigs on a plate.” Walker said leaning back and rubbing his hand over his stomach. At that moment, I was struck anew how much Zac was built like his father. Or he used to be; now he was as skinny as Taylor. “I’m going to eat like a king.”
Madge walked up to our table at that moment and began to take the orders. Diana ordered the blueberry pancakes, Walker did literally order a pig on a plate. But I couldn’t see anything on the menu that didn’t make me totally sick. Madge stood at the end of the table snapping her gum and tapping her pen on the order pad. “Cleo, honey, I don’t have all day.”
“What are you going to get?’ Diana asked.
“Uh, I think I’ll just get some coffee and French toast.” I said my stomach revolting at the very idea of food. I smiled up at Madge. She returned the smile with a look that could peel paint. “Can I get some cream with my coffee?”
Madge grunted at me with all the charm of a warthog. She then turned her attention to Taylor. He had hooked his leg around behind mine, our thighs touching from our hips to our knees. We were sitting so close together, I could smell myself on him. I could smell the scent of the linen spray I’d bathed the bed in lingering in his hair.
“And you Taylor?” Walker asked.
“I was thinking toast and some orange juice. Nothing major, I’m not very hungry.” Taylor said.
“You’ve never been much of a breakfast eater.” Diana said laughing. “Now Zac, he can put away the breakfast foods. I think the only person I’ve ever seen eat more for breakfast was Thad. Now that boy could eat.”
“Don’t I know it!” Walker said. “I can remember watching him eat and wondering where he was putting it all. He was so skinny!”
“Yeah, well, I only think he ate like that at your house.” I said quietly.
“You know, some days I just want to move back into the house on 78th street.” Diana said the forced cheeriness still in her voice. “I miss tripping over children every time I turned around. I miss the boys fighting all the time because their room was so small. I miss knowing that almost every time the door opened the footsteps pounding across the kitchen was either you or Thad.”
“I know, even though we have a bigger yard now, it seems like the kids don’t play nearly as much soccer.” Walker said shaking his head.
Taylor and I looked at each other, our hands linked. What the hell was going on? What was this banal chatter?
“Do you remember…” Walker began.
“Dad, not to be rude, but why are we here?” Taylor asked his hand tightening again around mine.
The smiles seemed to melt off of Walker and Diana’s faces. Diana looked at me with eyes filled with apology and Walker heaved a deep sigh. “Tay, Cleo, we have something very serious to talk about.” Walker said quietly. “We think that maybe Cleo needs to stay in Tulsa while you go to New York.”
“What?” Taylor demanded.
“Taylor, your father and I had been thinking that maybe her traveling with you boys isn’t very healthy.” Diana said in a soft and calming voice.
“Why?” Taylor demanded. “Because of Zac’s appendix? That would have happened with you there.”
“No Taylor, no because of that.” Walker said looking around at the surrounding tables; painfully aware that Taylor’s voice was getting louder.
“Because of last night?” Taylor almost yelled.
“No, we actually expected that you would sneak out.” Walker said. “I did think you would try to sneak back in.”
“If you expected it then why are you punishing us?” Taylor asked, his grip again so tight I was trying to wiggle my fingers out of his grip.
“This isn’t a punishment.” Diana said the apology now in her voice, not just in her eyes. I looked at her closely and noticed for the first time that spidery wrinkles were shooting out from around her mouth, from around her eyes. Her eyes still sparkled with joy, but it wasn’t unbridled and endless. “It’s just that sometimes you boys forget that you can’t greet life as though it is a game of tackle tag. I mean, the actions of yesterday just drove home the fact that all of you have a serious disregard for Cleo and her health.”
“Mom, we told her we were sorry.” Taylor said. The little boy coming out again, his lip jutting forward, a whine in his voice.
“Taylor, that is so beside the point.” Walker said. “Cleo staying in Tulsa was actually brought up about a week and a half ago in a meeting.”
“A meeting?” He demanded. “With who?”
“A meeting with Chris, Ashley and I.” Walker said holding up his hand to tell Taylor to be quiet. “Chris and Ashley both think you are the best and logical choice to take over as office manager since Margot will be leaving soon to have her baby.”
“But then she wouldn’t be able to ever travel with us.” Taylor said. “And Emory is counting on meeting her in New York to choose bridesmaids dresses.”
“Well, maybe she can fly out for the weekend.” Diana said caving just a little.
“A weekend?” Taylor asked. “We’re going to be in New York for almost three weeks.”
“Tay, I think you can live without her that long.” Walker said. “And really, you’re going to be busy with business. Too busy to be running off for a cup of coffee or whatever it is that you two constantly do. Besides, Cleo works for Hanson.
“Fine,” Taylor said. “Cleo, you’re fired.”
“What?” I asked, the first thing I’d said since this argument had started.
“I’m firing you so that you can come with me to New York.”
“Tay, you can’t do that.” Walker said.
“Why not?” He demanded as Madge started setting dishes in front of us.
“Because, she is employed by the corporation, not just by you.” Walker said patiently. “And really, she knows Margot’s job almost better than Margot.”
“Fine, then Cleo quits.” Taylor said slinging his arms across my shoulders protectively.
“Excuse me?” I asked pushing away from Taylor.
“Yeah, you quit and then you can come with me to New York.” He said very matter of fact.
“If I quit how do I pay my rent? Buy food? Pay the utilities?” I asked pushing him away.
“I’ll take care of you.” Taylor said as though the answer was so obvious.
“What?” I asked. The heads of the patrons of the surrounding tables turned towards us. I hadn’t meant for that to be so loud, but apparently it had.
“I’ll take care of you.” He said quieter and less confident.
“Taylor, you will not take care of me like some “kept” woman!” I said sliding out my side of the booth. “You will not take care of me, I will not come crawling to you for money.”
“Cleo, that isn’t what I meant.” Taylor said jumping out of the booth.
“Then what?” I asked. “What did you mean?”
“I don’t know, I just thought that you would want to come to New York with me.” Taylor said trying to put his arm across my shoulder.
“Why? To tag along to photo shoots, to endless, mindless interviews, to MTV?” I asked striding through the restaurant with Taylor close on my heels. “Do you have any idea how unpleasant it can be for me with the teenies all around?”
“But, three weeks…” He started.
“Three weeks is not an eternity.” I said turning towards him.
“I know, but I just miss you so much.” He said his shoulders slumping, his hands buried in his pockets. He looked up at me through his eyelashes, his cheeks burning a bright pink, his eyes too shiny.
“But, I’ll come with your family for the weekend. It won’t even be three weeks.” I said sweeping the hair off of his face. “And really, I love to work for you guys.”
“Okay, fine.” He said shrugging. “Will you call me everyday?”
“I’d like to see someone stop me.” I said hugging him. I watched as Diana and Walker came scurrying out of the restaurant. I suppose they expected to find us in a huge yelling match, but instead we were hugging. “Tay, I promise it’ll be okay.”
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