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Fumbling Towards
Ecstasy
All the fear has left me now
Companion to our demons
Peace in the struggle to find peace.
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
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I had nothing to say, no reply to what Isaac had told me. How do you react when you are told you are well loved by someone you currently want to rip the head off of? I sighed deeply, the weight of Isaac’s head on my shoulder felt strangely reassuring and suddenly, I felt my anger melting away, washing down the drains in the street with the rain. My eyes met Taylor’s in the rearview mirror and he looked so sad and so repentant. I smiled slightly and relief flooded Taylor's face. He reached his hand up between the door and the seat and squeezed my shoulder. I leaned my head down and rested it on his hand. And as I drove along the familiar streets I realized I could never stay mad at Taylor or any of them really. I pulled up to their gate and typed in the code. I parked in front of their house just as the rain started coming down in earnest. I jumped out of the car and unlocked the trunk.
“Cleo, go inside, we’ll get the groceries.” Zac said as he grabbed a couple bags.
“Okay,” I said as I limped into the house. I could hear Diana on the phone in the kitchen. Her laugh high and clear as a bell rang through the house. I stepped into the warm kitchen behind Zac. He dropped the bags he was carrying on the counter, followed closely by the bags Taylor and Isaac were carrying. They all three turned and went tromping back outside to get the rest of the groceries. I pulled the receipt and the credit card out of my pocket and handed them to a still talking Diana. “Here, I hope we got everything.” I whispered.
Her eyes flipped up to my face as she accepted what I held out to her. “Good Lord, Cleo! What happened to you?”
“Um, I fell in the parking lot.” I said looking down at my blood stained t-shirt and the dried blood all down my leg, pooled in my sock.
“Bea, I’ll talk to you tonight.” Diana said hanging up the phone. “But, that doesn’t explain how you got so dirty and sticky. You look like you were rolling in dirt… What really happened?”
“I was messing around in the parking lot and I tripped.” I said suddenly unable to meet her eyes.
“Uh huh, sure.” Diana said inspecting my hand closely. “You tripped in the parking lot and fell into a vat of…” She sniffed me, her eyes narrowing. “Is that shaving cream?”
“Something like that.” I said leaning over and spitting another glob of bright red spit into the sink.
“Stick out your tongue.” She ordered and even though I was probably six inches or more taller than her, I complied. One just doesn’t ignore her. “Cleo, you could have bit the end of your tongue off. Tell me what happened, cause even if you cover their sorry butts, I will find out what really went on.”
“It was no big deal…” I said sticking my hands into the back pocket of my jeans. I leaned up against the counter as the boys came tromping back into the kitchen. Diana stood and watched her sons with her arms crossed over her chest, her foot tapping in impatience. “Seriously, Diana, it’s no big deal.”
“So, tell me, why does Cleo look like she was tackled in a parking lot?” Diana asked. Suddenly, her boys couldn’t meet her eyes. No one said anything; even I was scared of Diana’s anger. “Okay, one of you is going to answer me…”
“Mom, we didn’t think she’d run off like that.” Zac said after an uncomfortably long silence.
“So, tell me, what happened?” She asked again.
“Well, we were standing in the toiletries aisle and suddenly it seemed like a good idea to cover Cleo in shaving cream.” Isaac said looking at his mother through half-lidded eyes.
“Really?” Diana asked her hands moving to her hips. “Taylor, you have anything to add?”
“No, except, I’m really, really sorry.” Taylor said his lips twisting into a sort of half smile. His hands were buried deeply into the pockets of his jeans.
“Well, sometimes sorry isn’t good enough.” Diana said. “It seems you three have some fascination with torturing poor Cleo.” As all three of them started to protest, she put her hands up for silence. “You know, I’m not stupid. I do know why Cleo broke her arm and had to get stitches in her knee in Alabama last year. You were all present when she broke her leg back in ’96…”
“But Mom…” Zac started.
“No, no “but’s!” Diana said putting up her hand over Zac’s mouth. Just then, Walker came hopping down the stairs, his hair wet from a recent shower. He stopped when he saw an angry Diana, three repentant sons and me bloody and battered. “I am sick and tired of you treating her, or anyone, like a punching bag. You are all grounded.”
“What?” They said in unison. Harmony never sounded so good.
“You heard me: You’re grounded. And really, that is all there is to be said on the subject.” Diana said firmly. “In fact, I would cancel tonight’s party if it weren’t so close to time for it to start.”
“Mom, you can’t possibly be serious.” Isaac said, his eyes wide.
“Try me.”
“I’m 22…” He started only to be cut off by Zac.
“How are you going to enforce that? We have obligations…” And over Zac was Taylor’s voice.
“But Mom, it’s my birthday! Cleo and I have plans…”
“STOP!!” Walker yelled over the boys. “All of you stop right now. Your mother said you’re grounded, so you’re grounded. Any other questions?”
“Dad, that is so not fair!” Zac argued.
“I have to be to at the contractors tomorrow.” Isaac said a particularly unattractive whine in his voice.
“I have plans…” Taylor moaned his eyes straying over to me.
Diana put her arm around my waist and led me towards the stairs. “Come on honey, let’s get you in a warm bath…” She whispered in my ear. As we hit the landing that leads to her room, I heard the sound of car keys jangling. Walker had taken all of their car keys, they were seriously grounded. “Cleo, I am so sorry my sons are such jerks sometimes. I have talked to them and talked to them about having more respect for you. I swear, they are so dense.”
“I don’t think they meant to hurt me.” I said sinking down onto the toilet as she started a bath.
“Well, they did and they have to stop treating you like you’re a 13 year old girl and pulling on your pigtails.” Diana said pouring a generous amount of bubble bath into the enormous tub. “Now, you get in there and soak for a while. I think there must be some of your clothes around here somewhere… I’ll find some and send them up.”
“Thanks Diana.” I said as she stopped and kissed me on the forehead. She bustled out of the bathroom and left me alone with my thoughts. Which at that very moment revolved around how I was going to sneak Taylor out of the house tonight. I slid into the warm water, the soap in the bubble bath burning my wounds a little, but damn, it felt like a little bit of heaven. I leaned back and closed my eyes, breathing deeply the clean, earthy scent of lavender. What could be more enjoyable that sitting in a truly deep bathtub filled to the brim with warm, soapy water? Not much came to mind. I sighed as I heard feet stomping up the stairs. I wondered if they had argued so much with their father that they were now banned to their bedroom, restricted to bread and water. Or maybe, they understood the futility of arguing with Walker and Diana. Seriously, Walker and Diana were the best parents ever, but they stood by their decisions. No matter how much they whined or fought, if they were told they were grounded, they were grounded.
After about 15 minutes of soaking, I could bend my knee easily, the stiffness dispersing into the water. I slid under the water, soaking my hair and running my fingers through the stickiness left behind by the shaving cream. I sat back up, loving the feeling of the water running out of my long hair, the feeling of my hair down my back. I just leaned back against the edge of the tub again. I yawned and stretched not wanting to move an inch.
“Hey, you better be careful or you’ll catch fly’s in there.” A voice said very, very close to my ear.
“Oh shit!” I said sitting up and instinctively covering myself. I looked up and squinted at Taylor standing next to me. “You scared me!”
“I know.” He said sitting on the floor next to the bathtub. “Here, open up.” He said holding his hands in front of my face. I opened my mouth and he dropped some pills onto my tongue, before pressing a glass to my lips. “My mom found some of Zac’s antibiotics in the cupboard, so your tongue won’t get infected and some Advil so your knee won’t get too stiff.”
“Does your mom know you’re in here with me?” I asked taking the glass from him and finishing off the water.
“Actually, it was her who gave me the pills and told me to take them up to you.” He said his hands smoothing through my wet hair. “But, I think she meant for me to bring them to you when you were out of the bath.”
“Probably,” I said grabbing the bottle of L’Oreal kids shampoo and squeezing a generous amount onto my head. Taylor dunked his hands into the bathtub and began to gently massage the shampoo through my hair. “Tay, what did you tell Ike and Zac last night?”
“Nothing, really.” He said his voice soft and close.
“Well, if it was nothing, then why can’t you tell me?” I asked my eyes closing as his fingers began to massage my neck.
“Cause, you’ll think it’s cheesy.” He said pushing on my shoulders so I slid back under the water to rinse out the shampoo. I sat up after I was sure the soap was totally rinsed out. “And cause, I’ve already told you all of this before.”
“Ah.” I said as he slid down to the end of the tub.
“Cleo put your leg up on the side of the tub.” He said reaching down into the water and grabbing onto my ankle.
I balanced my leg on the edge of the tub. “Can I ask why?”
“Because, I’m going to shave your legs.” He said shaking the bottle of lavender scented shaving cream I’d just bought and squirting it into his hand.
“Oh really?” I asked loving the feeling of his hands on my leg, smoothing the thick cream over it.
“Yes.” He answered showing the razor he’d already taken out of the pack. “I want to make sure your legs are all sorts of sexy for when I come over tonight.”
“But Taylor, your dad took your car keys and I’m pretty sure they won’t let you just come home with me, you know appearances and all.” I said loving the feeling of his hand smoothing over the newly exposed skin. Diana and Walker had to know what we did together, but I think as long as we didn’t flaunt it they wouldn’t say anything.
“That is why you’re going to give me your copy of the key to my Beemer.” He said quietly, concentrating on his work. His hand was sliding higher and higher. To be perfectly honest, I don’t shave above my knees, but hey, this was Taylor’s thing right now. I just sat there in total silence loving the feeling of him touching me, my eyes closed and I sighed. This was heaven, a deep bath filled with wonderfully warm water and the man I loved attending to my every need.
After a few minutes of him moving the razor quickly over my skin, I dragged my eyes open and watched Taylor. He was a picture of concentration, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth. My eyes were so heavy a comfortable sleepiness coming over me. “I’ll give you the key, but only if you tell me what you told Ike and Zac.” I said my voice thick. I closed my eyes again, just going with the moment. The only sound in the room was the soft swish of the razor down my leg, the water dripping from the faucet and the gentle dunk of the razor into the water. I began to think he wasn’t going to answer me, so I thought I’d ask again, but a small telltale intake of breath let me know he was about to speak.
“I told them…” He stopped momentarily, his hand sliding somewhere it ought not to be in his mother’s bathroom. The silence stretched out again, but I knew he was going to answer me. And even though I knew what he’d said, I wanted to hear it from him. “I told them everything.”
“Everything?” I asked as he guided my other leg up onto the side of the tub.
“Yeah, we started talking about sex and naturally, your name came up.” Taylor said going slowly over my injured knee. He continued to work, his hand now massaging the clean strips on my leg. I watched him, small beads of sweat appearing on his forehead. The bathroom had to be unbearably hot for him. Suddenly, I noticed that he was smiling. “You know, I may not have come to your room in Mobile if I’d known how far you’d gone with Zac the night before. But, think of the accomplishment.”
“What?” I asked.
“You would have deflowered not just one, but two of the Hanson boys.” He said a mischievous grin on his face. I glared at him, trying to act pissed. But he just looked at me with his amazing eyes and batted his eyelashes at me. I splashed water at him and got the front of his t-shirt wet. He splashed back at me. But, I didn’t splash him again, because that was all we needed was to trash Diana’s bathroom. After a few seconds, he went back to shaving my leg.
“Is that all you talked about?” I asked wanting more than anything to hear him say the things Isaac had told me in the car. I watched as indecision danced across his face. I could see the thought process going on behind his eyes. He loved me, he told me all the time. But was he ready to admit to me that he believed we were true soul mates? His eyebrows pulled together and he swiped his wet hand over his sweaty face.
“No,” he sat still again watching me. He leaned forward, his arm resting along the edge of the bathtub; he rubbed his sweaty face on the shoulder of his t-shirt. When he looked up at me again, I saw the face of the young man sitting with me on top of the barn behind my house picking out constellations, the young man trying to help me mourn, of a drunk man wearing his heart so plainly on his sleeve. I saw the purity of who he was. The pure unadulterated Taylor. Not the rock star, but the boy I’d known forever. “I told them I had loved you forever. I told them I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it.”
“Yeah?” I asked smiling. Finally, we had gotten to the words I wanted to hear.
“Yeah,” he said sitting back up, finishing my second leg. “I think Ike is jealous, cause he says he and Emory love each other, but they don’t know each other like we do. I think he’s getting a little bit nervous, cause he told me he couldn’t even imagine the love we share. But Cleo, I’ve always known this day would come…”
“The day you’d shave my legs for me in your mother’s bathtub?” I asked.
“No, the day when I would be able to say you’re mine forever.”
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