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Grits
Ain't Groceries
Well, all around the world
I said, if I don't love you baby,
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After another hour of watching Jessica torture Zac. We were finally set free. We tracked down Isaac at Jarrod’s salon. Jarrod promised to come to Taylor’s party that night with his boyfriend. Taylor and Zac just climbed into the backseat of the car, no argument. Isaac sat next to me a beatific smile on his face, pleased he had ordered the couches for his new home. He showed me paint chips and chunks of wood telling me the walls were going to be deep sage and the wood trim and floors were going to be bleached oak. He showed me the picture of the carpet that was being handmade by an artisan in Maine specifically for this room. He was so happy and excited, babbling endlessly about the choices he had made. I think I learned more about couches and their various incarnations during that drive home than I ever wanted to know. Isaac was literally aglow with his accomplishments.
And he was driving me crazy.
And I wasn’t the only one. “Ike, what say we play the quiet game?” Zac said, his voice sounded so tired. My eyes flicked up to see him sitting his head hanging back over the edge of the seat.
“What?” Isaac said turning to look at his brother.
“Ike really, in the name of all that is holy, shut up!” Zac said finally lifting up his head and looking at his brother with enormous tired eyes. “I’ve had a horrible day…”
“Zac, dude” Isaac said shaking his head. “You got up at noon and it’s only 3:00. Tell me how 3 hours now defines a day?”
“You just don’t understand; she is evil.” Zac said his head falling back again.
“What is he whining about now?” Isaac said turning towards me.
“Oh, his regular physical therapist was sick so he had this woman who he claims is one of Satan’s minions.” I said.
“She is, you just haven’t seen the light yet.”
“Whatever, I liked her.” Taylor said from behind me. “I liked her so much I invited her to come over for my party tonight.”
“What?” Zac demanded as I pulled into the parking lot of Homeland Groceries.
“Yeah, I gave her our address and told her to be there around 6:30.” Taylor answered.
“No, tell me you’re kidding.” Zac said putting his hands over his face.
“I not only invited her, she promised she’d come. Taylor said as I pulled into a parking spot near the door. “She was actually pretty excited. It seems she just moved to Tulsa and she doesn’t have very many friends yet. She’s going to Oral Roberts.”
“You mean she isn’t an actual therapist yet?” Zac demanded as he tiredly climbed out of the sweet Sentra.
“Nope, she’s a physical therapy assistant.” Taylor said as he unfolded his long legs. He stood next to the car and shook his legs, trying to get the blood flowing to his feet again. I just smiled at him.
“An assistant?” Zac asked. Taylor nodded his head. “Damn, assistants are scary.”
“Hey, watch it Hanson.” I said. “I’m an assistant.”
“Like I said: Assistants are scary. I think I’m going to complain to someone.” Zac murmured under his breath as he followed me over the “Kart Korral.” I snagged a cart and started pushing it, noticing it had a definite yen to go to the left. “Hey, can I ride in the cart?”
“Um, no.” I said trying to steer the cart into the store.
“Why not?” Zac demanded jumping onto the front of cart facing me. The extra weight made the lilt to the left even stronger. I almost smacked into a very large SUV.
“Cause we all remember how well one of us in a cart turned out last time.” Zac just gave me a blank look. “Okay, I know I wasn’t the only one in the grocery store in Alabama.” When they all gave me blank stares, I had to roll my eyes. “Well, I guess Zac’s appendix was more impressive than my broken wrist and 16 measly stitches, but hell…”
“Oh yeah.” Zac said leaping off the cart. “Did I ever tell you I was sorry about that?”
“I think you did about a thousand times.” I said pushing the cart toward the fresh produce section. “So, consider the offense forgiven.”
“Cleo, have I told you lately how much I love you?” Zac asked as he jumped onto my back, his arms around my neck and his legs clamped tightly around my waist. “What say you dump my idiot brother and run away with me?”
“Hey! I’m not an idiot.” Taylor said taking the cart. “And you can’t have my girlfriend.
“Now she’s just your girlfriend?” Isaac said as he grabbed 4 loaves of Wonder Bread as we passed the bakery. “What happened to what you said last night?”
“Shut up!” Taylor said as I trudged behind them Zac hanging tenaciously to my back.
“No, I want to hear what he had to say last night?” I said trying unsuccessfully to shake a fragrant Zac. He had been very shiny while at the physical therapist and now, he plain old stank.
“It was nothing important.” Taylor said shooting a look to Isaac.
“You know what?” I asked finally managing to break free of Zac’s death grip. “I hate when you do that…”
“Do what?” Taylor said turning towards me.
“Make declarations about my life and won’t share them with me.” I said grabbing the cart and heading for the produce section.
“Cleo, don’t get mad at me.” Taylor whined jogging up behind me.
“Well, it just makes me mad when you make some comment about me and then when I ask what you say it’s not important.” I said stopping and facing him. We stood face to face locked in a stare down. He was the first to look away as he ran his fingers through his long blonde hair.
“Dude! No sex for you!!” Zac crowed directly into his ear jumping onto Taylor’s back.
“Get off, you freak!” Taylor said using his strength to shake off his brother. Taylor stalked off a look of thunder in his eyes. Zac, Isaac and I all looked at each other and burst out laughing. Taylor isn’t really all that formidable when he’s angry. Really, he burns hot and fast. Soon, he’d be back to his usual affable self, until then, we just shopped in relative silence. Soon, our cart was loaded with baby carrots, broccoli, celery, green, red and yellow peppers and pretty much any other vegetable that could be put on a relish tray. As we continued through the store, the cart became fuller and fuller. Until finally, I had every last little thing on the list, right down to a new pink toothbrush for Zoë and of course, lots of things not on the list but things one of the boys were sure they would never be able to live without. As I put the toothbrush in the cart, Taylor came up behind me and dropped a couple of items in the cart. “What’re those? Going to be shaving your legs tonight?” I asked noticing it was a package of Lady Bic and some women’s shave cream.
“No, but I thought you might want to.” Taylor said grinning sheepishly at me. He leaned in close and whispered in my ear. “You know for tonight…”
“What about tonight?” I asked, carefully eyeing where Isaac and Zac where trying to figure out what exactly the different smells were of a particular brand of deodorant.
“For the… You know…” He said blushing furiously.
“No, I’m sorry, I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.” I said smiling sweetly.
“Come on, for my present.”
“Oh, that.” I said smiling sweetly. “Why would I have to shave my legs to give you a lovely, new, handmade, acoustic guitar?”
“What?” He asked, his face falling. “But what about us, alone…”
“Taylor spit it out.” I said quietly leaning towards him. “If you can’t say it, it’s not going to happen.”
“Well, I thought you’d sleep with me tonight, for my birthday.” He said a pout marring his perfect lips.
“What?” I asked putting my hand on my chest. “But Taylor, it isn’t Saturday night? We can’t possibly change our routine…”
“So, I can’t come over tonight?” He asked his eyebrows knitting themselves into a look of genuine confusion and concern.
“Of course you can, I was kidding.” I said smiling as relief spread across his face. “In fact, I have something special planned.” I whispered into his ear before placing a single kiss on his silken lips. As our lips connected, I was hit solidly in the side of the face with something. It wasn’t hard, but it made us jump apart. I looked down at the ground to see what I’d just been hit with and saw a box of condoms. When I looked over to where Zac and Isaac were standing, they were watching us looks of glee on their faces.
“Cleo, don’t forget the condoms…” Zac said as he sauntered over to where we were standing. He leaned down to pick up the box on the floor. “Oops, sorry dude, I grabbed the magnums. Let me go see what they have in small.”
“Oh, so you’re picking these up for yourself?” Taylor asked, which dissolved Isaac into giggles.
“Dream on, magnums hardly fit me.” Zac said hanging the box back on the hook he’d pulled it from.
“Zac, that is so sad.” Taylor said putting his hand on his shoulder, in an apparent gesture to comfort him. “They have surgeries that will help with your small problem.”
“Boys, stop it.” I said rolling my eyes in disgust. “Please, can we just go and pay for this and go home?”
“Okay.” They all three said as I walked past them. As I got to the end of the aisle, it occurred to me that I couldn’t hear them teasing each other, or walking, or even breathing. I stopped afraid to turn around. I slowly pivoted around only to find that I was alone in the aisle. I heaved a deep sigh, what in the world were they going to do? I pushed the cart out from between the aisles, but they were still nowhere to be seen. Now this was worrisome. Still, it would be easier to get out of the store without them bugging me. And without Zac there I wouldn’t walk out with a full compliment of candy and soda from the front-end caps. As I walked towards a check stand, a girl popped out of one and practically wrenched the cart out of my hands in her eagerness to help me. As she scanned item after item, I continued to look around for Isaac, Taylor and Zac. And still, they were nowhere to be seen.
“Umm, that’ll be $243.17.” The girl with a nametag that read Muffin said.
“Really?” I said handing her Diana’s American Express card. “It costs a lot to feed a family of 9.”
“Oh, are you one of the Hanson’s?” She asked a little too eagerly.
“No, I’m their personal assistant.” I said my eyes narrowing. She hadn’t even looked at the credit card to see whose it was yet and the Hanson family couldn’t possibly be the only large family in Bixby. She knew something; she knew where the boys were. “Have you seen a Hanson in here today?”
“No, nope.” She said shaking her head. Her answer was just a little too quick to be real or sincere.
“Hmm…” I said taking the pen and signing.
“Thanks Cleo.” Muffin said in a truly sunny voice. I stopped and looked at her closely her enormous toothy grin faltered just a little as she pushed the cart out of the end of her check stand. “You have a great day.”
“You too.” I said getting the distinct impression that something was about to happen, something I would probably not like a whole lot. As I approached the automatic front doors, I noticed it had begun to sprinkle slightly. But really, these small little drops of rain were probably only a portent of the deluge to come. I walked towards my car expecting to see Isaac, Taylor and Zac inside it, but they weren’t. They were nowhere to be seen. As I got closer to my car, suddenly, I heard screaming. I turned and saw coming at me with two cans of shaving cream apiece my boys. “Oh shit!” I yelled leaving the cart in the middle of the driveway and taking off at a run. But really, where was I going to go? There was a small grassy knoll on the edge of the parking lot, if only I could get that far, the fall wouldn’t hurt so badly.
I was about 15 feet from my target when I felt the first hand on my shirt. I leaned forward, trying to pour on more speed, but my sandals betrayed me. I tripped just as another hand grabbed at my shirt and got more than a little bit of my hair as well. I tried to catch my balance, but it was just not going to happen. My first contact with the asphalt was my left knee, then my right hand. As my chin contacted solidly with the ground, I tasted blood in my mouth immediately. But more pressing was the amount of shaving cream being sprayed onto my body.
“Argh, stop!!” I screamed. Of course, my screaming and swearing had no effect on them. I struggled to stand up the whole time fighting to get them to leave me alone. Soon, their cans were empty. I was literally covered from head to toe with shaving cream. I pulled off my glasses and went to clean them on my shirt, but it was too wet to do anything. “You three are fully aware of what enormous assholes you are, right?”
“Here, let me have those.” Isaac said taking the glasses from me and swiping them on his t-shirt.
“Thanks.” I said and then leaned forward and spit a bright red glob onto the ground.
“Classy.” Zac said smashing the shaving cream into my hair.
“Bite me Hanson.” I said spitting another bloody glob onto the ground as Isaac handed me my glasses.
“Cleo, you’re bleeding.” Taylor said taking my hand into his.
“Well, Einstein, that usually happens when you fall onto pavement.” I said wiping the blood onto my shirt. “Oh man, look at my knee.”
“Cleo, do you think you need to go to an emergency room?” Isaac said following me as I limped towards my car.
“No, it’s just a scrape.” I said walking to where I had left the cart, but it was no longer there. It was up against my car perfectly filling the lovely new dent. My car was old as it was, but really, it didn’t look that bad. “Damn it!”
“Cleo, I am so, so sorry.” Taylor said trying to put his arms around me.
“You always are.” I said as I unlocked the trunk.
“Cleo, go get in the car, we’ll load the groceries.” Isaac said gently taking my shoulders and leading me over to my door as the rain began to fall just a little bit harder. “Seriously, we are all so sorry.”
I just shook my head and climbed into my car. Their happy banter was silenced. I started the car and waited for them to finish loading the groceries into the back. Why didn’t they think before they acted? When had this plan sounded like a good idea? The more I thought about it the angrier I became. My hand was scraped up pretty good and my knee was seriously aching, but my tongue just plain hurt. I leaned forward and looked at my tongue in the rearview mirror, it had a huge cut in it. I squeezed my tongue between my lips and the cut bloomed with blood. They all three got in the car without so much as a comment. As I pulled out onto the road, I was so angry, at that moment in time, just to get to them I wouldn’t hesitate to drive into oncoming traffic.
“Cleo…” Ike said softly putting his hand on my knee.
“What Ike? Are you still sorry?” I asked angrily.
“Yes and I know you’re mad and really, you have every right to be.” Isaac said.
“You’re right I do.” I said his complete reasonableness taking the steam out of my righteous indignation.
“Can I tell you something in all seriousness?” He said quietly leaning in close and putting his head on my shoulder.
“Could I stop you?” I asked.
“Not this time, I just wanted to tell you what Taylor said last night.” He said. My eyes flipped up to look at Taylor and Zac in the backseat. They both looked so repentant. “Last night Taylor told us all about everything, about the two of you on the day of Thad’s funeral, about the day of the hurricane, about how he’s loved you for as long as he could remember. Cleo, he loves you in a way I can’t even comprehend.”
“But, you must love Emory that way…” I started.
“No, Taylor loves you in a way that is all encompassing. One day, Emory and I will have that, but you? You guys are starting out there.” Isaac said as my eyes connected with Taylor's in the rearview mirror. “Taylor is sure that you were born to be with each other. He says that you are his destiny.”
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