More Than Sorry Goodbye Hasn't been so good to me Stepped out into the night Back against the moon I saw ten thousand hands with candlelight We all think that we're right It's hard to tell If the night is full of hope or doom My eyes Burn with unshed tears My body is weak From so many silent years Too many people say goodbye Before they say hello Step into the morning And disappear What more than sorry can i say What more than sorry can i be Before our love fades away What more than sorry Do you want from me

What more than sorry can I say

Without Taylor, the days moved slowly. I found myself moving bonelessly through a fog of days. With Christmas only days away, I was busier than I wanted to be. I needed to be here and there and everywhere. There were parties to go to, to take Annabelle to, last minute gifts to buy… All things I didn’t really want to do alone. Every car that I heard driving down the street made me hold my breath, hoping I would hear the garage door rattle up.

If the truth were told, I wanted to curl into a ball on the floor with Annabelle, luxuriating in the patch of sun she was sleeping in. I longed for the blameless life of my daughter… Or a cat. I wanted to move through my day just stretching, yawning, shifting, only acknowledging the sound of the can opener or treat can. I wanted to sleep until the world fell away from me.

I found my attention wandering aimlessly. My attention suddenly captured by motes of floating dust, a song stopping me mesmerized in the middle of the aisle at Target, the sight of snow drifting down making me forget to order in the drive-thru at Arby’s. On that second afternoon, I fell into the wallpaper of my computer wanting nothing more than to fall into the lush green meadow.

As I sat on the couch, my book forgotten in my lap I watched dust motes swim lazily around Annabelle. I realized how insanely lucky I was that I got to be a mom all day long, I didn’t have to work, I could spend all my days with my beloved family. My husband didn’t get up and rush out the door at the crack of dawn every morning. He worked, yes. But he was lucky enough to be home most mornings. We had breakfast together and he spent the morning with Annabelle. We were a family, a unit bound by more than just blood.

I really, really missed Taylor.

I mean I really missed him. But, if he needed space to think, I would give him space. After a few minutes of lying there, feeling sorry for myself, I decided that this was something that was out of my hands and I wasn’t going to worry about it anymore. I also knew that I was totally lying to myself. And really, just wallowing wasn’t making any of it easier. And by the time Annabelle woke up, she’d be starving.

So, I left her curled on the rug in her spot of sunshine. I opened the fridge and found myself staring at random leftovers, but nothing inspiring. I pulled open the pantry and saw a box of lasagna. Sure, it would take a couple of hours to make, but it would keep me occupied and distracted. Soon, the house was beginning to smell really good. I had noodles boiled, cheese grated, hamburger browning.

The phone rang and I leapt at it, not wanting to wake up Annabelle unnecessarily. “Hello?”

“Hello!” I heard Emory crow through the phone. I could hear the distinct echo and crackle of the international phone connection. “How are you?”

“I’m great!” I said back, happy to hear a friendly voice. “How are you?”

“I’m doing fantastic!” Emory said an undeniable enthusiasm in her voice. “Everything is just about perfect.”

“Perfect?” I asked knowing that perfect was not an adjective that she used often to describe her life.

“It’s strange, but I think perfect is the only word to describe all of it.” Emory said laughing. “It’s like our honeymoon all over again, only better.”

“Better?” I asked loving the sound of joy in her voice.

“Well yes,” she began. “I actually know him this time!”

“That’s fantastic.” I said hoping that the sadness in my response was tempered by the international call.

“Did you get the package we sent?” She asked.

“Not yet,” I answered.

“Oh dear,” she said sounding a little distracted and worried. “I hope it gets there before Christmas. I’d be so disappointed if Belle didn’t get her gift.”

“Don’t worry, she won’t know even notice.” I said looking into the living room and seeing the monster pile of gifts for one very spoiled little girl. “Tay and I have gone sort of stupid with the gifts this year. I don’t think there are any more toys or clothes for us to get for her third birthday!”

“Well, if all else fails, keep our gifts for her birthday.” She said sighing. “Although, there are a couple of birthday gifts in it as well.”

“You spoil her.” I answered adding another layer to the lasagna.

“No, I indulge her, her father spoils her.” Emory said laughing. “Speaking of Taylor, how are you guys doing?”

“We’re good.” I lied feeling my stomach sink down into my feet.

“Even with Zac staying with you?” She asked.

“You know about that?” I asked surprised. It had been decided that Isaac and Emory didn’t need to know about what was going on with Zac, especially not about the baby.

“Yeah, Zac let is slip that he was staying with you.” Emory said. “He let it slip to Ike last week that he had gotten in a big fight with Walker and Diana.”

“He did?” I asked wondering just how much she knew.

“Yeah, he told Ike that it’d gotten ugly.” Emory said sighing. “No details, just that he was sleeping in the guest room at your house. It’s the only thing that has brought Ike down at all. The idea that everyone is fighting.”

“It has been tense.” I said hating that it all felt like a lie. Calling the last month tense was like saying the ocean is a little wet.

“Well, hopefully Christmas will bring everyone together.” Emory said her voice filled with hope and joy.

“Hopefully,” I said wishing that were true.

“Ah, I’m sure it will.” Emory said her voice just brimming with happiness. “So, my friend Siobhan… She’s pregnant!”

“Really? That’s great!” I said surprised to hear such joy in her voice at her friend’s pregnancy.

“Yeah, we’re throwing her a huge shower next week.” Emory said her voice losing a little of her joy. “I’m hoping that I’ll have some news soon. I think being here in Ireland and eating meat and potatoes and strong yeasty bread with buckets of Guinness is just what I needed.”

“Poor Ike having to drink Guinness.” I said imaging his distaste at having to drink the strong dark beer. He was a Corona man. He liked light, sweet beer with a lime in the top, not beer you had to chew.

“He’s doing well,” Emory said laughing again. “The pub serves lots of good Irish whiskey.”

“Oh, he must be happy.” I said an image of him sitting in the pub with a fat cigar and a glass of whiskey discussing the ins and outs of the local government with the salty locals. “Does he get an Irish accent as he gets drunk?”

“Cleo, the funniest thing happened!” Emory said laughing. “We were down the pub last night with my cousin Paddy… You remember him, he’s the really loud one who pinched your ass.”

“How could I forget?” I asked. “I had a bruise on my butt for about a month ‘cause Zac thought that gave him permission to pinch me too.”

“Oh yeah! I forgot about that!” Emory laughed. “He’s quite the cad. And always on the make, as you well know…”

“Sadly, yes.” I sighed as she laughed again.

“Well, these two girls came into the pub the other night. And they were beautiful, young blondes from the US.” She began her voice still lilting, but the longer she spoke with me, the less I noticed the Irish accent. “And they were really, really beautiful.”

“Poor dears,” I said imagining him at his obnoxious best.

“Well, he was trying his very hardest to impress the girls, but they appeared to be unmoved.” She said.

“Which is as it should be…” I said distracted, because I realized that I was quickly running out of Parmesan cheese. I was pretty sure there was more Parmesan in the freezer in the garage. I went to turn on the light in the garage and sent the door rattling up. “Oh crap…”

“What’s that?” Emory asked at the noise.

“I had to get some cheese in the garage and I hit the wrong button.” I said grabbing the bag of shredded cheese out of the freezer.

“Ah, you’re cooking dinner…” Emory said.

“Yeah, pretty exciting stuff.” I said. “So, tell me what happened with Paddy and the girls.”

“Well, Ike has become quite the master of checkers… Something that really gets to Paddy ‘cause he likes to have that little bit of something that makes him special. And apparently, being local checkers champ is that thing.”

“Paddy is crazy.” I said distractedly.

“You don’t know the half of it.” Emory said with a giggle. “Well, maybe you do, since he was so fixated on you.”

“Yes, I remember, but really, that’s okay cause it’s how we got you.”

“Yeah, coming to your rescue was a great way to meet the handsome rockstar sitting at my bar.” Emory said. “Of course, he would have never had the balls to talk to me if I hadn’t started the conversation. So much for his cocky rockstar attitude.”

“Come on, you had no clue who he was!” I said rolling my eyes. I could clearly remember Isaac leaning in and whispering in my ear that he thought she was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. He had sat and watched her for a very long time, getting more and more drunk before he had the guts to blurt out “you’re really beautiful.”

“No, I didn’t, but the other girls in the bar seemed to think he was a big deal and you were hilarious.” She explained.

“Well, I’m definitely happy if I had any part of you and Ike finding each other.” I answered.

“I think you telling him no did more than anything else, but okay, whatever…” She said a snicker in her voice. “So, these hot, young, American girls came wandering into the bar and of course, Paddy started to say a lot of crazy things. Kept dropping the “I’m powerful in the Irish music scene” hints.”

“Ah, did he trot out his old standby?” I asked.

“Yeah, pretty soon he was talking about his meeting the day before with Bono and all this other garbage that is only partially true.” She continued. “He was leaning against the bar next to more beautiful of the two girls and says, “yeah, if you want, I can make it so you can meet Bono.” And I swear to God the girl turned and looked him in the eye and said “You can blow Bono for all I care… Now, if you can “make it” so I can meet someone from Hanson, then we’ll talk”.”

“Are you kidding?” I asked laughing.

“Absolutely not.” She said giggling.

“What did Paddy do?” I asked knowing that it must have killed him that they these girls were more impressed with Isaac than his tenuous ties to the mighty U2.

“Well, he was totally taken aback.” Emory continued. “He was completely silent for about 2 full minutes. He looked like a dolt, standing against the bar, his mouth hanging open.”

“So, his true colors were showing?” I asked.

“Now that you mention it…” Emory answered giggling madly. “The girls just stood there looking at him laughing at how stupid he looked. Then it was like someone hit the “on” switch in his brain and a smile came to his face. “So, it’s a Hanson you’d be looking for?” He asked really rolling his brogue.”

“You mean he can make that accent thicker?” I asked adding the final flourish of cheese to the top of the lasagna.

“If he wants to.” She affirmed. “The girls both looked at him suspiciously and said “yeah… why?” So, Paddy gets all smug and said, “you know that one of them is married to an Irish girl?” At which point, both girls got very interested.”

“I can only imagine…” I said standing in front of the oven waiting for the pre-heat light to go off.

“Ike and I were sitting at a table not even three feet away.” Emory said. “So Paddy raises his hand towards us and says “ladies, I introduce you to Emory and Isaac Hanson.” Their eyes got about the size of dinner plates. Ike, of course, smiled his biggest, cheesiest smile ever and shook their hands.”

“Yeah?” I asked as I put the lasagna in the oven. “I thought you didn’t want anyone to know you’re in Ireland.”

“Ah well, it’s all good.” Emory said sighing. “I can’t change who Isaac is and what he does for a living. And really, it got Paddy laid.”

“You’re kidding!” I said a little too loudly. I turned quickly to check that Annabelle was still asleep. She sighed and rolled over, but she was still sleeping.

“Not even a little bit.” Emory said. “Paddy said that marrying a rockstar would bring me nothing but grief and yet, now… He’s grateful! Oh, can you hold on a mo…”

“Of course,” I mumbled. I could hear her talking to someone in the background. Then there was a lot of shuffling and the sound of bedsprings squeaking and the sound of the phone hitting the floor followed closely by swearing.

“Cleo?” Isaac’s voice came onto the phone.

“Hey Ike!” I said genuinely happy to hear his voice. “How are you?”

“I’m fantastic.” Isaac answered. His voice had that timbre it gets when he’s smiling his widest smile. “How are you guys doing?”

“Ah, Belle and I are doing great.” I said ruefully. “She’s sleeping and I’m making lasagna.”

“Good, good.” Isaac said distracted. “Hey, I’ve been trying to get a hold of Zac and Tay all day and neither of them are answering their cell phones… Could I talk to either of them?”

“Um,” I said not exactly sure what to say. “They’re not here right now?”

“Is that a question?” Isaac said laughing at me.

“No, it’s not.” I said chagrined. “Zac left and Tay’s not home right now.”

“Where did Zac go?” Isaac asked. I could hear the concern in his voice.

“I’m not sure,” I said squeezing the bridge of my nose. I could feel a headache coming on. “He said that he needed to get out of Tulsa to think.”

“Oh, okay…” Isaac said his voice definitely filled with worry now. “Well, tell Taylor to call when he gets home.”

“I’ll give him that message.” I said turning to start the process of cleaning up. I stopped short; Taylor was standing in the doorway to the laundry room. “Oh shit!!” I said practically jumping out of my skin.

“What’s wrong?” Isaac asked concerned.

“Uh, nothing,” I said unable to pull my eyes away from him.

“Do you need to go?” He asked.

“Yeah, I have a mess to clean up.” I said pulling up and realizing how true that sentence was. Taylor snorted quietly, he obviously agreed.

“Okay, I’ll call later.” Isaac said laughing. “Tell Tay I called. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I said as the phone went dead. I lowered the phone and just stood there looking at Taylor. “You’re back.”

“I said I would be.” Taylor said pulling his hands out of pockets and crossing his arms across his chest.

“I know,” I said quietly. “It’s just when you were gone for longer than you said… I began to worry.”

“I told you I’d be back,” he said raising an eyebrow, “why would you worry?”

“I don’t know…”

“Is it because if you’d left like that you wouldn’t have come back?” He shot at me.

“Not at all…” I began.

“Or is it because you’re so used to running away from your problems that you can’t imagine that I’d come back and face mine?” He asked his voice filled with a bitter edge that I wasn’t used to.

“No, it’s not that…” I began.

“Or maybe, you realize that you’ve made some serious mistakes?” He asked settling back against the doorframe.

"No…” I protested feeling my eyebrows pulling together.

“No?” He asked his eyebrows rising. “You haven’t made mistakes?”

“No!” I protested.

“You haven’t?” He asked again his voice getting louder.

“No…” I began.

“No?” He asked starting to sound irritated.

“That’s not what I mean.” I said feeling the conversation quickly getting out of control. “Why are you badgering me?”

“Well, then, what do you mean by no?” Taylor asked again. His voice was sharp and not very forgiving. I felt the first hints of tears in the too warm oiling of my eyes. “I mean, honestly, how many ways can one person interpret the word “no”?”

“Tay, I am so, so sorry about what happened the other night.” I said fighting back the tears. The shake in my voice a tell tale sign I was fighting tears. “It was completely…”

“Not what I’m talking about.” Taylor said a little disgusted. I didn’t know if he was mad at me for crying or at himself for making me cry. “Cleo, this is so much bigger than just the other night.”

“Tay, I didn’t know…” I began rolling my eyes up trying to discourage the tears from escaping.

“I know and for that, I blame myself.” Taylor said his arms finally unfolding. “I never told you… I should have warned you that it was getting to a point where I couldn’t just ignore it anymore.”

“I wish you had.” I said watching as his hands flexed and loosened over and over compulsively.

“I do too.” He said shrugging. “I was thinking that I should have given you more of a warning, let you know that I was unhappy and yet, I wonder if you would have heard?”

“I would have…”

“Cleo, you only hear the things you want to hear.” Taylor said shaking his head. “It’s not that you are in denial, you just sort of push away the things you don’t really want to hear.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked confused.

“Because it just seems like you only hear the things that make you happy or the things you feel you can make fit into your world view.” Taylor said. “Because you shut down when faced with the cold, hard facts of things you don’t like.”

“What?” I asked confused by what he was saying.

“You have never truly dealt with Thad’s death…”

“That’s not true…”

“Cleo, you still call for him in your sleep!” Taylor snapped.

“I do?” I asked taken aback. He’d never mentioned before that I talked in my sleep, but I know that I dreamt about Thad a lot.

“Yes, you do.” He said quietly. “You call for him and moan in a way that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up straight. And as you thrash and cry I realize that I will never be enough. I will never fill that void.”

“That is not true.” I protested. “You have always been enough.”

“Cleo, why do you say things you don’t mean?” He asked. But as he shook his head, I knew that he didn’t want an answer. “You know that after his death, you spent almost five years letting someone punish you for something you had no guilt in. Jarrod dealt with his guilt by hitting you and you dealt with it by taking it. Instead of dealing with Thad, you let your life become hell.”

I stood there feeling like a deer trapped in headlights. There was no other way to describe how I felt. I could feel my heart stopping and starting in fits. I was sure that at any moment I was going to fall over dead from a heart attack. I stood there and knew the next sentence out of his mouth was going to be that he was leaving me. And if he left me, I knew I would die.

“Cleo, at times, you’ve been so fragile that I didn’t dare tell you that something was making me unhappy.” Taylor said his voice so low that I wasn’t even sure he was talking to me. “I worry that one more thing will break you and I love you so much I would rather die that watch you hurt.”

“Tay…” I began.

“And I wonder if you love me as much as you loved Thad…” He began a wave of pain moving across his face. “Then I realize how sad and pathetic that thought is. How can I ever ask you to compare how you feel about me to how you feel about someone you were created with. And I realize all my problems are just that, my problems and have nothing to do with you. But, I find myself wondering if you even love me at all. Cleo, do you love me?”

"What?” I honestly couldn’t believe he had to even ask that.

“I find myself wondering that a lot lately.” Taylor said his voice barely above a whisper. He was talking fast almost as if he had to speak as quickly as his mind was racing. “It’s like I married you thinking that by putting that ring on your finger I was finally going to get you. I was finally going to have you all to myself. You were mine, but not in a possessive way at all because in all reality I was yours as well.”

“Tay you have to know that I am totally yours.” I said wanting so badly to take a step forward and wrap my arms around his waist.

“Cleo, I think that maybe I was the one who was living under the delusion that fairytales could come true.” He said his eyes straying over to the sleeping lump on the floor. Annabelle was dressed in one of her princess costumes lying on her Cinderella blanket. “I truly believed that you and I were going to have our happily ever after. And then, you found out that you’re pregnant…”

“But you were so happy when we found out.” I said softly.

“I feel I owe it to you to be completely honest.” Taylor said holding his hands up like he was fending off a physical attack. “While, I was happy and excited, there was part of me that realized as soon as the baby was born, you wouldn’t be mine anymore. I would have to share you forever. There would never be another day when I could say that you were mine completely…”

“But, I am yours…” I started.

“Are you? Are you really?” He asked staring into my eyes.

“Of course,” I said my breath catching in my chest. I looked down at the phone I clutched in my hands, my knuckles white. I was terrified of what he was saying and what he was trying to tell me.

“Every time I felt that twinge of jealousy, I would feel like shit.” He said his voice filled with the disgust he must have felt for himself. “It was like I was a really bad husband and father and that I didn’t deserve either of you. Because if the truth be told, I would die without either of you, but… Without me, you would both go on.”

”Oh Taylor…” I said trying not to cry. “That is not true at all.”

“Is it?” He asked shoving his hand back into his pockets. “I’m not so sure.”

I stood there biting the inside of my lip trying to keep myself from bursting into tears. I don’t know why I didn’t want to cry, but it just felt important to remain calm, to listen to him. “You don’t have a very clear picture of how important you are to Belle and I.”

“I watch the two of you interact everyday.” He said shrugging. “You two have your own language. You both understand each other like nothing I’ve ever seen. You seem to just know when she needs you.”

“But she is the same with you!” I said my voice urgent. “There are so many moments when I watch the two of you together and know that if I were to walk into the room I would only be an intrusion. When you are playing the piano or singing to her, you are the love of her life. And those moments fill my heart. They are the moments I live for.”

“Cleo, don’t.” Taylor said sharply. “This is hard enough without this.”

“What are you saying?” I asked real fear entering my heart.

“I’m getting to that.” Taylor said a real sadness entering his voice.

“Tay…” I started shaking my head. I felt the strength going out of my knees. I leaned against the island hoping to stay upright and failing. I slid slowly down to the ground. “You don’t have to do this.”

“Cleo, I think I do.” He said sadly. “I have to tell you this. Please, just listen.”

“Okay,” I said leaning against the island while every atom of my body was yearning to jump into his arms.

“As I reflected, I realized everything in our lives began to revolve around other things. Our marriage became about everything and everyone else.” He said his eyes moving toward the stairs. “I began to notice that every conversation we had revolved around something… other.”

“What?” I asked wondering what he meant.

“Every single time you and I talked it was about Ike and Emory and their problems or about Zac and his problems.”

“But, only because I love them and worry about them.” I said my voice so soft I wasn’t sure he would hear me.

“I love them too, but I’m not married to them.” Taylor said just as quietly. “Then again, I wonder, am I married to you?”

“Taylor, don’t do this…” I said knowing he was leaving.

“Don’t do what?” He asked, squatting down in front of me.

“Don’t leave me…us.” I corrected. I couldn’t fight it any longer. One hard sob breaking out of my chest. “Please… Please, don’t leave us.”

“Cleo, I won’t lie and say I hadn’t thought about it.” He reached out and gently tucked one of my errant curls back behind my ear. “But only because we both keep failing each other.”

“You… You’ve never… never failed m… me.” I stuttered out. I was a mess. I had tears streaming down my face, my nose was running; I was sure I was drooling.

“Oh Cleo, I have… More than I care to think about.” He said reaching out and gently prying the phone out of my hands.

“N…N…No.” I said shaking my head. I could feel the water dripping off my chin. “It’s m…me. You… You’re r…right.”

“Shh.” He said putting his fingers on my lips. “I knew that no matter what, no matter how I explained, you would blame yourself. And I also know that I love you. I. Love. You.”

“I love you too.” I whispered. I reached out for him, but my hand stopped as he shook his head.

“No, Cleo, I need you to understand.” He said grabbing my hand in an almost painful grip. “I need you to fully comprehend that I love you. You are the oxygen I breathe, the blood in my veins. You sustain me. You are my everything. But, if I think it’s for the best, I will leave. If we become toxic for each other, I am out of here.”

I just shook my head. I could not conceive of a moment when we wouldn’t be perfect for each other. “No.”

“Cleo, I don’t want to grow to hate you, to hate this…”

“I’ll do whatever you want…” I whispered. Actually, I wasn’t whispering so much as my voice was entirely breathless.

“I don’t want to change you, but I need things to change.” Taylor said reaching out and touching my cheek, rubbing the moisture away. He pulled his hand back and smiled at me. “I want this to work forever, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness. Because there is more than just you and I to consider.”

“Annabelle…” I sighed. It was almost like her name froze us there on the kitchen floor, me with my back against the island, Taylor squatting in front of me. We just sat there knowing that no matter what either of us were thinking or feeling, she would always come first.

“Once, I said that music was the most important thing in my life… But I didn’t understand the meaning of the word important. I never knew that there would ever be something so all encompassing in my life.” Taylor said his eyes wandering over to where Annabelle lay on the floor napping. “Honestly, I think that no matter what, I will always be here for my baby, for our baby.”

“I know…” I said my voice catching in my chest.

“You are one hot mess.” He said finally smiling at me. He leaned forward and gathered me into his arms. As he pulled me close, I started to sob again. I could feel that he was quivering just under the surface. This was no easier for him to say than it was for me to hear. “And sometimes our life is insane, but really, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

I don’t know how long we sat there but it would never feel like long enough. I wanted the world to fall away. I wanted more than anything for us to just be. I wanted this moment to last forever. I buried my head into the crook of his neck. “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.” I began to say over and over.

He took my face in his hands and tipped it back looking into my eyes. I could literally feel him trying to look directly into my soul. His thumbs rubbed gently across my cheeks. After what felt like an eternal moment, he nodded his head once. “I love you, more than I can…”

“Mommy, I’m hungry.” A soft voice interrupted. She stumbled blearily around the island and stopped. “Daddy! You’re home!”

“I am baby,” Taylor said his chin quivering. His carefully controlled emotions finally broke in the face of his baby girl.

“Mommy didn’t tell me.” She said her lip jutting out. She hated to be out of the loop. At three, she had a very well honed sense of injustice.

“And yet, here I am.” He said smiling at her injured pride. “Aren’t you glad to see me?”

“Yes!” She said her face breaking into a big smile. She literally launched herself at her father. “I’m happy!!”

“I don’t think I’ll leave again.” He said hugging her close, rubbing his hand over her curly hair. “I don’t want to…”

“I don’t either.” I said tears springing to my eyes again, but for an entirely different reason than just moments earlier.

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