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Talk
Oh, brother, I can’t, I can’t get through I’ve been trying hard to reach you Cause I don’t know what to do Oh, brother, I can’t believe it’s true I’m so scared about the future And I want to talk to you Oh, I want to talk to you Are you lost or incomplete Do you feel like a puzzle You can’t find your missing piece Tell me how you feel Well, I feel like they’re talking in a language I don’t speak And they’re talking it to me So you don’t know where you’re going And you want to talk And you feel like you’re going where you’ve been before You'll tell anyone who’ll listen but you feel ignored And nothing’s really making any sense at all Let’s talk, let’s talk Let’s talk, let’s talk |
Oh, I want to talk to you
I took the longest shower in the history of man. I stood in the hot water and just let it wash all of the ickiness off of me. The sound of rushing water filled my ears, wrapping me in a virtual cocoon. I felt safe in there, secure in my life, sure of my love. This moment, this fight? It was just one bump in the road that had been relatively clear of obstruction. I was sure that Taylor and I were going to make it through this, make it past this. Because really, as desperate as it felt earlier, I just knew it would end up being nothing. As the water began to lose it’s sting, I quickly finished washing my hair, punching off the water just as it edged towards too cold to be comfortable.
By the time I was finished showering, I could smell something cooking down in the kitchen. My stomach flipped unpleasantly at the smell, but I also knew that I pretty much needed to eat. Taylor had gotten some clothing out for me and had them laid out nicely on the vanity. I slowly dressed, careful not to make any sudden moves because my head was fairly splitting. The sweats were cozy, the t-shirt well worn, a hooded sweatshirt he knew I loved… Taylor really was too good to me. And I’m sure anyone who knows us would agree.
I stepped out into my room expecting to find it all torn up still, but the water was cleaned up, the bed had been stripped, the picture of our family taken down, the floor swept, it was almost like nothing had happened. I slid on my slippers and headed downstairs. I walked into the kitchen to find Taylor setting up a breakfast of tea and biscuits. One thing that really stood out was that he wouldn’t meet my eyes. Usually, either of us will basically drop whatever we’re doing to look the other in the eye. Even if for only a second, if I walk into a room, Taylor will generally stop what he’s doing just long enough to look me in the eye, just long enough to let a small smile play across his lips. Mid-song, mid-sentence, mid-pouring coffee, it didn’t matter there was always that acknowledgement. And this morning, there was none of that. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I said sliding onto one of the stools facing him. “Those biscuits smell really good.”
“They are.” Taylor said sliding the cup of tea across the island toward me, still not looking up at me. “What do you want on your biscuit? Butter? Honey? Jam? I could whip up a little gravy…”
“No! No, just a little honey.” I said my stomach turning at the idea of the butter or gravy. “I’m not sure I’m up to more.”
“Okay,” he answered, busying himself with the task of preparing me a plate of biscuits. “Here you go.”
“Thanks,” I said sipping the cup of strong tea he’d made for me.
“How is your tea?”
“Perfect,” I said smiling at him. “I guess that is the advantage of being married to your best friend. They know how you take your tea.” At this comment, his face seemed to sag the tiniest bit. His face sagged so fast that I wasn’t sure if I’d seen it. He finally looked up at me and his eyes took on a strange unreadable look, not quite a smile, not quite sad. I hoped it was my hang over playing tricks on me. He busied himself with cleaning up the minor disaster that was always connected with his cooking. “So, how long does my dad have Belle?”
“As long as you want to leave her there I suppose.” Taylor said as he stowed his coffee cup in the dishwasher.
“Um, okay.” I said puzzled. “I don’t think you understand what I was asking…”
“Oh, I understood.” Taylor said softly. “The reservations at the Shiloh are for two nights.”
“Okay,” I said still confused.
“Cleo, I meant it when I said I was going to go alone.” Taylor said turning away from me and busying himself in the fridge. “I just think we both need some time to process what’s been going on.”
“Process?” I asked scared what that could entail.
“Yeah,” Taylor said finally turning back towards me.
“So, what does this mean?” I asked a cold sweat starting on my lower back.
“I guess it means that I’m going to go to Ardmore by myself.” Taylor said quietly. His eyes were heavy with sadness. Resolute and sad, I felt my heart skip a beat. “I think I need to be away for awhile.”
“What does that mean for us?” I asked steeling myself for an answer.
“Cleo, don’t jump to conclusions.” Taylor said softly. “I just… I just need to think. All of this is just a lot for me.”
“Tay, I just got drunk…” I started.
“Oh, it’s not about last night.” Taylor said slowly and thoughtfully. “Not entirely.”
“What is it then?” I asked.
“It’s that I’m not sure what I think about all of the craziness.” Taylor said. “I mean, this morning after you so gracefully passed out on me, I started thinking about things. And I just realized that I hadn’t made any of this right in my head. I know the facts. I know what happened. And yet, none of it makes sense to me.”
“What doesn’t make sense?” I asked. I felt so lost.
“Any of it.” Taylor said quietly after a few minutes. “It’s all so senseless.”
“But baby, it’s not for you to make sense of…” I said as I walked around the island. I put my hand on his back and he turned towards me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him. His arms snaked around me and pulled me against him. Soon, our breathing matched, the simple in and out of oxygen was in perfect sync. It just felt so right. We fit together like two puzzle pieces. As I breathed with him, it occurred to me that this was all that I needed. I just needed him for everything to make sense. “This makes sense.”
“It does.” Taylor said his voice thick with emotion. His breathing became erratic. “That is the crazy thing. We make so much sense. You fit in my arms so perfectly that I know we were made for each other. And at one time, I could look at you sitting across the room and be certain that if I walked over and said, “what are you thinking?” the answer would be exactly what I thought it was. But last night, I suddenly understood that I have no idea who you are anymore or what you think.”
“That’s not true.” I said leaning back and looking up into his face. “That’s not true! You know me now as well as you ever did.”
“No, I don’t.” Taylor said his fingertips moving slowly over my face. “The woman I married was always unpredictable, or at least were three years ago. But the woman you’ve become would have never done anything that would even remotely hurt her baby.”
“So, this is about me getting drunk?” I asked confused.
“I guess in some ways, it is.” Taylor said shrugging.
“Tay, please don’t let one mistake condemn us.” I said waiting for the feeling of a panic attack to come back, but this moment was filled with amazing clarity. I was definitely standing on the edge of something and this was not the time for panic. Facts and truth and real emotion, those were all I had. “It was one night and one moment. Zac really needed someone…”
“But don’t you get it?” Taylor interrupted turning away from me. “You aren’t his someone. You’re my someone.”
“I am your someone.” I said grabbing at him. “I will always be your someone…”
“But you haven’t been lately.” Taylor said shrugging my hand off his arm. “Cleo, every time I’ve reached for you to talk about this, to try to make sense of what is happening to my family, you’re so consumed with Zac and his pain. But what about my pain? What about me watching my family falling apart at the seams?”
“Your family isn’t falling apart…”
“Cleo, my father slugged Zac with a closed fist.” Taylor said his voice climbing. “Zac didn’t go to Thanksgiving… He isn’t planning on being at Christmas. My mother is a wreck. Every single time I talk to her she just cries and asks me how Zac is. Isaac had to leave the country to save his marriage. And he has no idea about any of this because no one is sure how he’ll react.”
“Taylor, none of that means your family is falling apart.” I said confused. “I mean, no one died, your mother is still a good woman, your father was always there for you…”
“Oh yeah, that’s right!” Taylor snapped at me. “All of this is nothing compared to your dysfunctional family. Well, fuck you!”
“What?” I asked taken aback.
“Fuck you for being so short sighted…” Taylor said tears standing in his eyes. His cheeks had high spots of color on them; he was so upset. “And fuck you for not seeing that my life is falling apart around me. I seriously don’t know what is going on. And I’ve needed you so much and you’ve been so... so... obsessed with Zac.”
“Baby, why didn’t you say anything?” I asked.
“I have. And I am, right now.” He said his voice catching in his chest. “I’m telling you that I really, really need you, have for a while and I feel like I’m having to beg you to even pay any attention to me. And I hate this feeling.”
“I’m sorry you feel like this.” I said not sure what else I could say.
“It’s like you’ve been so wrapped up in Zac, that you just can’t see anything else.” Taylor said. “It’s all about Zac.”
“No, it’s not.” I argued. “It’s always been about you… But he’s needed so much help lately. And I was careless…”
“Yes, you were.” Taylor said cutting me off. “You were unbelievably careless. And to be honest, I can’t ignore it anymore.”
“So, is this it?” I asked realizing my earlier fears that Taylor was on his way out weren’t all that untrue.
“No.” Taylor said thoughtfully. “I can’t imagine ever loving anyone other than you. I’ve loved you my whole life.”
“Nothing happened between Zac and I,” I said suddenly feeling like I needed to assure him that he was all I wanted or needed.
“No, I’m sure it didn’t.” Taylor said a ghost of a smile on his face. “In that respect, I know that your heart is true. Still, I just need this time apart. I need to think, to sort this out.”
“Tay, I can’t lose you.” I said feeling a desperation gripping my heart. “I will die without you.”
“You are the strongest person I know.” Taylor said tucking a loose hair behind my ear. “And really, it’s just a couple of days apart. This won’t kill you.”
“You don’t know.” I said feeling a chasm growing between us for the first time since the plane ride to Las Vegas. I was standing so close to him I could feel the heat radiating off of him, but he felt so far away that I had this irrational urge to yell at him. “I don’t think you understand how much I love you.”
“No, I think I do.” Taylor said smiling his hand reached out and caught mine. He squeezed it quickly then released it. “It’s because of how much I love you that I need this time apart from you. I need to find my place in all of this.”
“Okay,” I said wanting so badly to fall to my knees and beg him not to go without me. But I somehow knew that wasn’t the way to go. “You will come back, right?”
“Yes,” Taylor said. “I will come back. I will always come back to you. You are home.”
“I hope so.” I said my voice catching.
“You are.” Taylor said kissing my forehead. “I just need the chance to find my way back home.”
“Home has always been in the same place.” I said blinking back the tears threatening. “I’ve always been right here.”
“Maybe it’s my inner compass that can’t find you…” Taylor said stepping back, his fingers tracing the grout. “I think I’ve lost true north.”
“No, you still have me. And no matter what, you will always have Annabelle.” I said trying to smile through the threatening tears. He visibly flinched at the name of his baby girl. “Belle will always be my true north. She will always and forever be my home. And so will you.”
“Cleo, stop…” Taylor scolded softly. I could see his eyes shining. “I know that this isn’t what you expected, but it’s what I need to do. Please just give me this. If you remember back, you took two months to find yourself, I’m just asking for two days.”
“Okay,” I said not wanting to agree, but knowing that I just had to let him have this. “When are you leaving?”
“Actually, I thought I’d leave as soon as I was sure you’d be okay.” Taylor said gently. “You will be okay, right?”
I nodded my head, trying desperately to be brave. My breath stuttered in and out of me. “I just wish that you would stay and just talk to me… We could talk this out.”
“Cleo, that’s all we do is talk.” Taylor said cupping my chin. “We talk and talk and talk… But really, I think the time for action has come.”
“Taylor, don’t you remember that once you promised you’d never go anywhere without me again?” I hiccupped tears finally breaking free.
“I know,” Taylor said his thumbs rubbing the moisture on my cheeks. “But we also promised to support one another and I haven’t seen a lot of that lately.”
“I just think that if we could talk all this out…” I started again.
“We talk until there is nothing left to say.” Taylor said. “But in all that talking, we forget to listen.”
“I’m sorry.” I said.
“So am I.” Taylor said smiling sadly. “I’m gonna go, okay?”
“Okay.” I answered nodding.
“I’ll be back in a couple days.” Taylor said kissing my cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” I whispered.
He opened his mouth as if to say something more but thought better of it; he turned and disappeared into the laundry room. I stood rooted to the spot. I didn’t think he’d really leave. I kept waiting for him to step back into the kitchen. But, I heard the engine to the BMW roar to life, then the distinctive rumble of the garage door ratcheting up.
I rushed into the laundry room, yanking the door into the garage open. Taylor had already pulled out into the driveway. As his car bumped out into the street, he stopped for a moment wiping at the shine I could see from there on his cheeks. He didn’t seem to want to go anymore than I wanted him to. And yet, I watched his taillights disappear down our quiet suburban street. I turned and walked slowly into the house.
I rested my head against the door that led into the garage and sighed. He promised he'd be back. He promised that this was just to clear his head. As the garage door rumbled shut, a single gut-wrenching sob pulled out of me, followed closely by a flood of hot tears. The tears I had wanted to pour out of me and onto his feet. The tears I knew that would be of little or no use. In fact, I think that my calm was what broke down some of the barriers to a certain extent. He had been steeled against a huge flood of emotion, my solid resolve and rational response had thrown him. But the entire time we'd stood in the kitchen, I don't think he knew how close to hysterical I was. I was on the edge of having a meltdown of epic proportions.
But I didn't.
So now, I just stood my forehead against the door, tears flowing so freely that I could feel them dripping off my chin and onto my sweatshirt. There were two, wet spots just over my collarbones. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my crying, to even out my breathing. It was all too much to be taken in. I sighed my breath hitching. I just wanted to disappear.
I heard Zac clear his throat behind me. "Uh, Cleo?" I could hear the trepidation in his voice.
"Yeah?" I said my face still smashed against the door, my hand still clinging to the door handle.
"Are you going to be okay?" He asked.
"Yeah." I said with little or no conviction. I sighed as I pushed back from the door and turned towards him. I made no real effort to dry the tears that coated my face. I was sure that I was red and puffy and wholly unattractive. "He said he's coming back in a couple days. Just needs time to think."
"Oh God." Zac said his eyes swimming with tears. "Not only am I fucking up my life, but now I'm destroying yours."
"No, you're not." I said dully. Dull, that defined me right then. I was colorless. I tried to smile at him, but even from the inside it felt like a grimace. "It's just a bump in the road..."
"Yeah, named Zac." Zac said his voice filled with disgust. He stood there his body practically curled into itself, being pushed down by the self-loathing and shame. "I should have never come here..."
"Yes, you should have." I said watching him turn from me. "You are absolutely where you should be if you aren't going to go home." It was then I noticed the bag sitting on the floor next to him. It was the duffle of clothes that Diana had brought over a few days after Zac told her he wasn't coming home. "Are you going home?"
"No, I'm going where I should have gone weeks ago." Zac said his voice darker than I think I'd ever heard it. He was in a bad place, somewhere that I wasn't sure I wanted to know about. "It just wasn't fair for me to come here and expect you to deal with my problems and ugliness. It wasn't fair for me to think that you and Taylor could fix me."
"Oh Zac..." I began reaching out to him. But he pulled sharply back.
"No, this can't happen." Zac said reaching down and grabbing his bag. "I know that I'm the reason that he left. I know that my problems have definitely fucked with your lives. I'm just... I'm going."
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"To where I should have been all along." Zac said his mouth pulling into a grimace. I wasn't sure if he was trying to smile at me or not. But he looked so sad.
"Will you come back?" I asked concerned.
"I will, eventually." He said adjusting the bag in his hand. "There are just things that need to be done, things I need to take care of."
"I feel like I've done something so horribly wrong." I said my tears beginning anew.
"Naw, you're golden." Zac said the first hint of a smile on his lips. "Cleo, what in the world could you have possibly done wrong?"
"Pretty much everything." I answered. And it was true. I had been making bad decisions from beginning to end. I had been careless with a man who loved me. I had been too wrapped up in the wrong things. But I'd also been too disconnected from Zac to see that he needed more than I could offer. I had somehow missed all the signs... Signs that showed that his world was falling apart at the seams. I kept focusing on the wrong thing. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Zac asked.
"For not being able to fix what's wrong." I said shrugging, unable to think of anything better to say.
"Ah yes, that." Zac said raising an eyebrow. "You can't fix yourself, how can you fix anyone else?"
"I don't know."
I said slumping down on the couch. "I
just wish that there was some way I could make it all right."
"Cleo, you're talking about lives here." Zac said sitting on the coffee table in front of me. He reached out and gently took both my hands in his. "You're talking about real live, living, breathing entities... Who are by their very nature a mess. There are no I's to dot or T's to cross because the script of our lives is all over the place. Hard to define and hard to follow. Our bits and bumps can't be smoothed out and then tucked in, the uglier parts just folded and creased into hospital corners. You of all people should understand that."
"I do," I sniffled.
"We are all just stupid animals who want what we want and who do what we do." Zac said smiling sadly. "There is no way to make anyone fit into the mold you think he or she should fit in. And just when you think you have someone figured out... They do something completely unexpected."
"Like you, in LA." I mumbled.
"Exactly," Zac said sighing. "Or like Taylor this morning."
"Oh man," I said my head dropping back against the cushions.
"Do you remember when I told you that if you weren't careful, you'd use up all of your chances with Taylor?" Zac said slowly and thoughtfully. And really, I totally remembered it. I remembered helping him up to his bedroom. I remember how angry he was that I would even dare think about leaving. I remember his tears of frustration over the fact that he couldn't really control his body or make it do the things he thought it should. But mostly, I remember him being so angry with me because I was about to break his brothers heart. "Honestly, I didn't think he'd be this way anymore. But listening to him scream and yell and break things this morning, I'm not so sure."
"I know." I sighed. "What do you think I should do?"
"Just love him and be patient." Zac said shrugging. "And always, always, always be there. That was my mistake with Anne. Now, I have to make the wrong things right."
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"Where I should have been all along." Zac said simply. I opened my mouth to ask where that was, but he quickly cut me off. "And don't bother asking... You'll find out when the time is right."
"Fine." I huffed. "So, you could hear us fighting?"
"Cleo, the neighbors probably heard you fighting." Zac said raising an eyebrow. "Besides, your door was open and so was the attic door..."
"What else can you hear up there?" I asked, my heart dropping into my stomach.
"Not a lot..." Zac said looking out the French doors. "But each morning, I feel like I should congratulate Taylor..."