Untouchable Face think I'm going for a walk now I feel a little unsteady I don't want nobody to follow me 'cept maybe you I could make you happy you know if you weren't already I could do a lot of things and I do tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you too bad you had to have a better half she's not really my type but I think you two are forever and I hate to say it but you're perfect together so f**k you and your untouchable face and f**k you for existing in the first place and who am I that I should be vying for your touch and who am I I bet you can't even tell me that much I see you and I'm so perplexed what was I thinking what will I think of next where can I hide in the back room there's a lamp that hangs over the pool table and when the fan is on it swings gently side to side there's a changing constellation of balls as we are playing I see Orion and say nothing the only thing I can think of saying is f**k you...

...perfect together...

I was walking across the front porch after saying goodbye to a much happier Emory. The mood in the car had seriously lifted in a way that was gratifying. I knew that a change of one mood wasn’t going to fix everything, but it just felt so big. As I pulled my bags out of the back of the SUV, I heard Anne and Emory discussing the hotel manager in very detailed terms, most of which were very bad. She and Anne were laughing and talking as they pulled out of the driveway. I could tell by the way Anne had her face pulled down in a very exaggerated frown that she was making fun of the hotel manager and the lecture he gave us as we stood shivering by the pool. I think he got a very perverse joy out of all of us standing there in our underwear or less. I think it must have been a huge shock for all the teenies who had booked rooms in the same hotel to find us gone and the pool closed the next morning. But to be honest, the days of the “pool incident” had been some of the best. Everything was so new and so fun. A trip to a convenience store turned into an adventure. At times, Zac joked about getting some narcotic laced oxygen pumped into the bus to get us to bed at night. But that was mostly on the nights when I was totally kicking his ass at Trivial Pursuit.

Sometimes, I just had to wonder. How had we gotten to this point, this place? It was a mystery. We all just wanted to be happy. And we were, or we had been. I guess maybe we were like rockets shot straight up into the air. We climbed and climbed and climbed, often believing that we would soon be beyond the pull of gravity, hoping that we could just continue on and on into the ether. But as with everything, we hit our zenith and began that inevitable downward spiral. And through some strange quirk of fate, Taylor and I somehow evened out before we crashed and burned. But Emory and Isaac were still careening unchecked towards the Earth. And Zac had already hit the ground hard. Luckily for him, Anne had been standing by ready to help him put everything back together. Sometimes, as I watched the pain in Emory’s face or in Isaac’s voice, I felt so guilty that my life was as close to perfect as any life could be.

I shook my head coming back to reality. I had been standing in front of the door staring at the spot where Emory’s car had been a few minutes earlier. Since I hadn’t driven, I didn’t’ have my keys in hand. I shrugged as I reached to ring the doorbell, but if all had gone according to plan, Annabelle would be asleep. I set the bags down in one of the white wicker chairs on the porch, smiling. Taylor had been busy this morning, the outdoor furniture was all set up and the cushions were back on the swing. The leaves that had been scattered across the lawn last night as he scuffed through them were now in neat little piles and Annabelle’s pink tricycle was in the middle of the driveway. I could hear faint music coming from the back of the house. I would bet all that I had that he was out back winterizing the pool that we had only used two or three times this summer. Even if I rang the doorbell, he probably wouldn’t hear it. I sighed as I started going through my purse. I knew that there was a set of house keys in here somewhere. I had run across them over and over this past tour. And each time, it sent a wave of homesickness through me. I dropped my purse as I was digging through it to find my keys.

“Aw, shit…” I said as I watched my bag basically explode. I sighed as I watched everything roll towards the Southern edge of the porch. We had noticed the lean on the porch last spring and hadn’t worried about getting it fixed since we wouldn’t be around until the fall. I knelt down, crawling after the quickly disappearing stuff. I tried to gather together all of the detritus of my daily life, but it kept rolling just out of my reach. Soon, I found myself crawling around trying to not just gather but actually find my lipstick, lip-gloss, pill bottles, and all sorts of little trinkets and toys that belonged to Annabelle. “Come here!” I spat as one of Annabelle’s favorite princess rings rolled under one of the wicker chairs. I watched as it rolled closer and closer to a crack. I lunged, smacking my head on the chair sending all of the bags spilling down onto my back just as the ring slipped down into the crack. And of course, it had to be the one ring I knew that she’d ask for. “Damn it!”

“Nice angle,” Isaac said from behind me. “And really, what are you talking to?”

“Oh, hey,” I said sitting up and sweeping my hair off my face. Much of my stuff clutched in my fists. I must have looked ridiculous on my hands on knees on the floor of my front porch awash in shopping bags. “I dumped my purse out… And of course, the one thing that Belle would miss rolled into a crack and under the deck. Tay’s not going to be happy about having to crawl under there.”

“Ah, well, then your strange behavior is excused.” Isaac said settling in the chair moving the last of the bags out of the way. “Wow, did you leave anything at the mall?”

“Tell me about it!” I said looking at the pile of bags. The amount of bags was impressive. I counted each of them and was surprised to find that I had bags from twelve different stores. And thanks to my latest adventure, the bags were spread across the front porch. If I had made a ballpark estimate at how much all of this cost, I would have guessed well over two thousand dollars. And I spent way less than either Emory or Anne. I couldn’t believe that I’d spent that much money in that short of time. “But just you wait, Emory probably has twice as much as I do.”

“What?” He asked sounding amazed.

“Yeah, you have a whole new wardrobe waiting for you at home.” I said pulling myself up off the floor where I had been sitting. I started to gather up the bags and the things that had fallen out. “Apparently anything you’ve worn onstage during this tour is going to be burned.”

“Oh yeah, Emory was complaining about how no matter how much she washed them they still smelled like a peat bog.” Isaac said pulling at his soul patch. He stood up and took have the bags from me. “Why doesn’t Taylor have to get a new wardrobe?”

I shrugged. “I got him all new “foundation” pieces.”

“Wow, that sounds so girly!” Isaac said laughing.

“Well, what else should I say?” I said as I realized that I had never fished my keys out of the bottom of my purse. I handed the rest of the bags to Isaac, digging around again for house keys. My finger finally caught in the ring. “I mean, what else do you call underwear, socks and t-shirts?”

“Um…” Isaac said squinting off into the distance. “Underwear, socks and t-shirts?”

“Ha ha, smart ass!” I said as I unlocked the door. “Really shopping for Tay in a mall is pretty fruitless.”

“True, he most likely wouldn’t wear anything bought from a retail store.” Isaac said his eyes focusing on something far away. “So, I’m guessing you’re gonna have to hit a lot of thrift stores.”

“What’s the point?” I said laughing. “I may as well keep his skanky clothes rather than someone else’s!”

“Very good point.” Isaac said throwing his head back and laughing. I loved to hear Isaac laugh, but it was so rare these days. So, his unabashed joy at my comment made me warm with happiness. I had heard both Isaac and Emory laugh in the last few minutes. “I really envy Tay for that.”

“For what?” I asked as I unlocked the front door. “Because I didn’t buy him any new clothes?”

“For that and other things.” Isaac said as he set all the bags at the foot of the stairs. I wandered back through the kitchen and family room stopping in front of the French doors. Taylor was outside skimming the pool and singing with Annabelle. She was swinging as she sang along with Taylor. My poor beautiful daughter was cursed with my inability to sing a note. She was able to play the simplest songs on the piano beautifully, but when she sang, we all shrugged. I watched as Taylor did a little dance to whatever song they were singing. His booty shake made her giggle madly. The beauty of the moment made me wish I had my video camera. As they reached some sort of crescendo in the song, he skipped over to her and plucked her out of the swing, twirling her around and around. Soon, she was flying in circles around her father. Suddenly, Taylor collapsed to the ground dizzy. Annabelle stood up groggily and wove a drunken path across the lawn. Isaac sighed softly. “I hope you thank God every single day for your perfect life.”

“I do.” I said hugging him. “You’ll have this.”

“I sure hope so.” He said shrugging. “Sometimes, I just don’t know. Did Em say anything to you today?”

“Well, of course,” I said getting a couple of bottles of water out of the refrigerator. “Are you thinking of anything in particular?”

He just shrugged as I handed him a bottle of water. His eyes took on that far away look. “No, just wondering.”

“Is everything okay?” I asked watching Isaac as he watched Annabelle.

“Yes,” he said turning back to me. I was surprised to see a shine in his eyes. “What could possibly be wrong? I have a beautiful home and a beautiful wife and live the perfect life with a job I love and with co-workers I’m actually happy to see. What could possibly be wrong?”

“I don’t know.” I said my heart breaking just a little bit more with each word he said. “There must be something…”

But I never got to finish my thought because a flushed and breathless Annabelle came running through the back door followed closely by her father. “Ike!” Annabelle said launching herself into his arms. “It’s your birthday!”

“It is.” Isaac said balancing her on his hip.

“Are we gonna have cake and ice cream?” She asked the single most hopeful look on her face.

“I think that Grandma probably will have some at dinner tonight.” Isaac said smiling at her earnestness.

“Really?” She asked her eyes getting wide.

“Really, really.” Isaac said hugging her close.

“Can you take me to Grandma’s?” She asked batting her eyelashes at him. She was shamelessly walking that fine line between flirting and manipulating her poor uncle. It made both Taylor and I smile.

“Hey,” Taylor whispered in my ear as he kissed my cheek.

“Hey,” I said hugging Taylor. “Shouldn’t she be taking a nap?”

“Yeah, well, good luck with that.” Taylor said grabbing my water out of my hand. “She’s all sorts of wound up about being home.”

“Well, she needs to sleep a little.” I said looking over to where Annabelle had Isaac cloistered in a corner with an open book. She was apparently telling him a very detailed story. “I’ll put her in her bed.”

“Good luck.” Taylor said as I walked away.

“Oh, it has nothing to do with luck.” I said stopping and smiling. “Remember, I’m the bad guy!”

“True,” Taylor said nodding his head.

“Okay, Annabelle,” I said holding my hand out towards her. “Give Uncle Ike a kiss.”

“Why?” Annabelle asked looking up at me. The annoyed look on her face made me want to simultaneously laugh and slap her.

“Because, you are going to go and take a nap.” I said holding my hand out to her.

“No,” she said sticking her lip out in a very impressive pout.

“Oh, yes.” I said shaking my hand at her. “Come on.”

“I don’t want to.” She said crossing her arms over her chest.

“Come on.”

“No.”

“Come on.”

“No.”

Come on, now!” I said losing my patience.

“No!” She said losing patience right back at me.

“Annabelle Beatrice Hanson, you come right now!” I said finally reaching my breaking point. I watched as her lip began to quiver and big tears began to gather in her eyes.

“Don’t yell at me.” She said her voice hitching.

“Well, then do what I say.” I said reaching down and just picking her up. Her wails were heartbreaking and yet, completely ineffectual. “You know, your tantrum will do you no good. You are going to take a nap.”

“But I don’t want to take a nap!” She protested from where I had just set her down on her bed. “I want to go down with Ike.”

“Well, Isaac and I are leaving to go to lunch.” I said looking around and noticing that Taylor and Annabelle had cleaned the room. The bed was made, kind of. The toys were piled up on top of the toy box. Her clothes were in a jumble on the floor in front of the dirty clothes hamper. But I totally appreciated the effort. “So, he won’t even be here!”

“Is Daddy going with you?” She asked as I tucked her blanket around her.

“No baby, Daddy is going to stay with you,” I said kissing her forehead. “Will you take your nap?”

“Only if Daddy naps with me.” She said her eyes already taking on a heaviness that heralded sleep.

“Okay,” I said standing and walking to her door. I could hear Taylor and Isaac chatting in the kitchen, no real words just a gentle droning. “Tay?”

“Yeah?” He called back.

“Can you come here?” I called down. I looked over to Annabelle lying on the bed, her legs wrapped around her blanket, her thumb in her mouth, her eyes staring fixedly at a spot on the wall. She was so close.

“What?” Taylor said from the bottom of the steps.

“Baby Bea wants someone to lay down with her,” I said smiling. “And this gives you the perfect opportunity to take your own nap.”

“Sweet!” He said bounding up the steps two at a time.

“Why is it that I have to fight with her to get her into bed and you are more than ready to flop into bed at any moment?” I asked as he leaned full length against me.

“Because flopping into bed carries the promise of you.” He whispered against my neck.

“Daddy?” Annabelle called from inside her room.

“Her majesty awaits.” I said slapping at his hand as he grabbed my breast. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” Taylor said as I started down the stairs. “Hey, if I’m gonna lay down with you, I need some room!”

“You’re too tall for my bed!” I heard Annabelle say followed by a lot of giggling.

I smiled to myself as I bounced down the stairs, but the smile slid off my face when I came upon Isaac looking at the grouping of family pictures hanging just inside the front door. His finger was lightly tracing the dusty glass over a picture from his wedding. I walked up behind him watching as his finger left faint trails in the dust. Emory was completely dust free. “Ike?”

“Hey,” he said quietly. “She was so beautiful.”

“She really was gorgeous that day.” I said wrapping my arms around him. “She’s gorgeous everyday.”

“True,” Isaac said nodding. “She is the single most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. It’s just…”

“Just what?” I asked as his silence grew longer.

“I miss this woman.” He said his fingers sliding down the picture smearing a little grease down it. “I miss her with her hair down and wild. I miss her without any makeup so I can see all of her russet colored freckles. I miss the girl with fifteen extra pounds.”

“I don’t think she misses the extra weight.” I responded trying to get a smile out of him.

“I miss the softness.” He said shrugging. “I mean, I think you are way sexier now than you were before Belle.”

“Hey!” I said my hands on my hips. “I lost most of the baby weight… It’s just that Taylor likes me with a little more meat.”

“I think we all do,” Isaac said smiling at me. He sighed grabbing my hand. “But the thing is…” We stood there toe to toe in the foyer of my home, both of us just standing watching the other try to come up with something of interest to say, something to make the other feel better, something to help us find our way. It was so strange, but right at this moment, I felt lost. More lost than I had in years, I wasn't sure if I was just empathizing with him, but I could feel my heart breaking as I looked into his eyes. The sadness there caught me off-guard.

“Ike, what is the thing?" I asked squeezing his hand. “These protracted silences are getting annoying. And it's going to make lunch long and really, not much fun.”

“The thing is that I’m starving!” He said pulling on my hand. “Let’s go get some food!”

“Okay, hold on.” I said running back into the kitchen to grab my purse. “I need my purse if I’m gonna buy you lunch.”

“Hell yeah, you’re buying my lunch!” Isaac said as we walked outside. “We are fully going to Zio’s and we are eating until we pop!”

“What about your party tonight?” I asked as I climbed into Isaac’s brand new Mercedes. “Isn’t your mom making dinner?”

“No, I told her not to bother. I mean we got home yesterday. I figured she didn't need to go shopping and make a huge dinner tonight.” Isaac said putting his thumb on the smart key. The engine purred to life. “Just cake and ice cream, the important stuff.”

“Great,” I said pulling a face at him. “I guess I’ll pass since I’m so fat.”

“That is so not what I meant.” Isaac snapped back his voice filled with mocking. Soon, we were navigating the familiar streets. I found myself humming along with the music. But instead of the familiar rock, the car was filled with something sadder, something mellower, something truly out of the ordinary.

“What is this?” I asked as the melancholy sounds of classical music flowed over me.

“Yo-yo Ma.” Isaac said quietly.

“The cello sounds like mourning.” I said sighing as the car pulled out into traffic.

“It really does.” Isaac agreed. The silence that descended was total and oppressive. As the scenery flew by, I found myself fidgeting opening and closing my mouth over and over, trying to find something to say. But everything I thought of to talk about, I felt I had to disregard. Nothing seemed exactly right and I wasn’t sure what was safe. I glanced at Isaac and was surprised to see the muscles along his jaw line jump. Isaac had always been just a touch more uptight than his brothers, but not like this. As I watched him, he must have felt my eyes on him. "What?"

"Nothing." I said quickly. Maybe a little too quickly because as the car rolled to a stop at a light, he turned and scrutinized me. I felt my skin begin to prickle with a blush. "It's nothing."

"Okay," he said turning his focus back on the road. The deep, mournful sounds of the cello took over again, filling the car with something that felt like heartbreak and sorrow and despair. It seemed to echo the rise and fall of the hills we were traveling. But really, the landscape felt a lot more like one of destruction. I watched the early winter fields flow by empty, gray, seemingly without hope. They were such a contrast to how they had looked just weeks before. I was just imagining that in the dark, they would take on an eerie glow under a full moon, becoming more like a moonscape than the verdant hills of Oklahoma. I found myself wondering if this part of Oklahoma could ever become a dustbowl again when Isaac's voice made me jump. “Wow, talk about uncomfortable silences.”

“Jesus Ike! Next time clear your throat or something!" I said trying to make light of the situation. "And really, that wasn't really an uncomfortable silence. I think for the first time I have no clue what to say.”

“Cleo, you are the world’s worst liar.” Isaac said smiling sadly. “That is one thing about you that I’ve always appreciated, your inability to lie or hide what you feel.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a blessing or a curse.” I said sighing as he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. “But, the one thing I’m sure of is that I’m starving!”

“Me too!” Isaac said as he pulled up the parking break. “Ready?”

“For food? Always!” I asked as I climbed out of the fancy car. The gorgeous silver car had the most luxurious leather interior in a pale, pale gray. The doors had hand carved wood panels and the most delicate brushed chrome accents. Everything in this car would be scuffed, stained and destroyed within the length of a five-mile drive with Annabelle in the backseat. “You know, when you have a baby, you’re going to want to get yourself a little less fancy car.”

Isaac just snorted as he pushed his door closed. The sound was so harsh and totally unexpected. Surely, he still wanted to be a father. But as I followed him into the restaurant, I noticed that his jaw had taken on that same hard look he’d had earlier. “If we have a baby.” Isaac muttered under his breath as the hostess walked up to us. As he uttered those words, I felt myself grow cold.

“Two?” The young woman asked as she grabbed some menus.

“Yeah, just the two of us.” Isaac said his voice entirely melancholy. He grabbed my hand and I followed silently behind him. I felt like my heart was beating too quickly, my breathing shallow.

“How is this table?” She asked indicating a private table far away from the rest of the room.

“It’s great.” Isaac said smiling at her as she handed each of us a menu.

“There are some specials this afternoon,” she said her voice pleasant and breezy. “Would you like to hear them?”

“Actually, I’m pretty sure I know what I want,” Isaac said his voice smooth and charming. It was amazing how he could just turn it on. I wanted to grab him by the front of his shirt and shake him, ask him what he meant by his final comment, but I think it would have shocked the cute blonde hostess a little more than I wanted. “How about you Cleo?”

“I think I know what I want.” I stammered, the shock of Isaac’s comment fading.

“Can I get you each a drink?” She asked.

“Umm, yeah.” Isaac said his voice deepening as he looked over a wine menu. “Can you bring us a bottle of the Merlot?”

“Sure,” she said brightly. “I’ll let your server know. Enjoy your meal Mr. Hanson.”

We both watched as her back retreated. Once I knew she was out of earshot, I turned back to him. “What?” I demanded.

“Excuse me?” He said his eyebrows pulling together.

“What do you mean by “if we have a baby?” I demanded feeling the blood rushing back to my limbs.

“I don’t know if I have it in me to go through the loss again.” Isaac said shrugging.

“Emory was able to get pregnant, it will happen again.” I said. I could feel the heat of tears building behind my eyes.

“Cleo, we haven’t even slept in the same bed since the night she had the miscarriage.” Isaac said a single tear escaping. He swiped angrily at it. “Can’t have a baby if you don’t even make it...”

“Oh Ike,” I said with no clue how to even respond.

“Cleo, I am so frustrated.” He said watching as his finger traced the grain in the table. “I’m not sure what to even think.”

“Ike, it will happen.” I said reaching across the table and squeezing his hand.

“Would you be shocked if I told you I’m not sure I want it to happen?” Isaac asked pulling away from me and putting the palms of his hands over his eyes. “Not sure at all…”

I sat there watching him from across the table feeling totally helpless as his shoulders shook with silent sobs. Heavy tears raced down his face, dropping off his chin. I wanted to say something that would help him, heal him, reassure him. But in the end, I knew none of that would matter at all. There was nothing I could say or do that would mean anything. The waitress walked towards us, but I waved her away. She stopped, her eyebrows coming together before she turned away. “Isaac,” I said my voice just about a whisper. I slid out of my seat and slid in next to Isaac. I put my arm across his shoulder. At first, he recoiled from my touch. But as I smoothed my hands over his hair, he melted into me. I reached across him, pulling him into a hug. He allowed me to tuck his head into my neck. As I smoothed my cool fingertips over his hot face, his hand gripped at mine convulsively. His fingers tightened over mine, gripping like I was the only thing keeping him from going under.

He slowly quieted his crying, his grip on my hand loosening. "Isaac?" I asked.

He finally lifted his eyes looking directly into mine. I felt my lip quiver when I saw the absolute lack of hope there. He loosened his grip on my hand, smoothing his thumb over the obviously irritated skin. The silence stretched and stretched, threatening to create a chasm too wide to cross. He sighed. “Cleo, I need to go to the bathroom.”

“Okay,” I said sliding out of the booth. He walked back towards the restrooms. I watched until he disappeared before sliding back into the booth. I sighed rubbing my temples. I was definitely developing a huge headache. The waitress warily looked around the corner at me; I could see she was still holding a tray with a bottle of wine on it. “Hey, thanks.”

“Do you want me to take your order or should I come back?” She asked a look of terror on her face.

“Umm…” I said biting my lip. “Can you just bring me two baked lasagnas?”

“Sure,” she said smiling shyly. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I said smiling back at her. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Okay,” she said. She looked up right then and her smile grew. Her eyes took on the sparkle that I totally associated with the zeal of fans. Isaac must have been coming back to the table. He quickly slid into the booth across from me. “So, a baked lasagna?”

“Um, yeah.” Isaac said looking up at me a small smile stealing across his features.

“Great, I’ll put in your order.” She said not taking her eyes off of Isaac for a minute.

“Thanks.” He said smiling at her. She hesitated for a moment before turning back towards the kitchen. “You are amazing.”

“Why now?” I asked watching as his face fell again.

“Because, you knew exactly what to order me.” Isaac said pouring each of a glass of wine.

“Ike, I’m not amazing.” I said accepting the glass of wine. “I’ve just known you your whole life. And if you had wanted something other than baked lasagna, I would have been seriously shocked.”

“True,” he said softly, absently. “I guess I just wanted to think of you as this amazing creature who knew my every need and want.”

“Ike, no matter what you think or how much you want to believe it, we would have never worked.” I said suddenly more interested in my napkin than anything else in the room.

“Oh, I have no doubt about that.” He said so softly. “We were never meant to be together.”

“No, we weren't." I agreed with him. "But whether or not we were meant to be, I still adore you completely."

"I know and that is a comfort." He said quietly. "I think the one thing that kills me the most is that you and Taylor are so perfect."

"Oh please, we are hardly perfect." I protested.

"Ah, but you are!" He said holding his hand up stopping my protestations. "I think it's so funny, you did things in this really strange and backwards way and somehow ended up right."

"Backwards?" I asked not quite sure what he meant.

"You run off to Vegas, get pregnant before you're married, you do all of the things that our families find objectionable and yet come out smelling like a rose." Isaac said a crooked smile on his face. "When you told Mom she was going to be a grandmother a few short months after your wedding, it was like you were giving her the greatest gift ever, which in truth you were. If Annabelle isn't the most loved and spoiled child that ever lived, it's not our family's fault. In your strange and muddled way, you and Taylor truly have it all figured out."

"Seriously, we don't." I said remembering that phone call like it was yesterday. If Taylor had been excited about Annabelle, Diana was somewhere between ecstatic and rapturous. "We're just amazingly lucky."

"Lucky?" Isaac asked cocking his head in deep thought. He shook his head. "No, I think it's more than luck. I think you've somehow figured out how not to break each other's hearts."

"You don't break her heart...” I started.

"I do, because as much as I love her, I can't stop her from hurting." Isaac said plainly. "I want her to be blissfully happy, but I just always fall short."

"Ike...” I said shaking my head. I had never in my life seen someone so truly dedicated to someone else who wasn't their child.

"It's true, I just can't figure out how to make her happy." Isaac said gently, his finger again tracing patterns on the table. "Sometimes, when I look at her, I wonder who she is. I wonder who this beautiful, brittle woman is."

"Well, she's been hurting a lot lately." I said trying to reassure him.

"I know, but so have I." He answered quietly, "And as sick as all of this sounds, I've been pushing her away just as much as I've been grasping at her."

"Well, then maybe both of you just need to take some time to just be together," I said. Honestly, I had no idea what to do or say to him. This all felt like such foreign territory. What they needed was to rediscover why they even began to love each other. A light bulb went off, he once told me that he knew he loved Emory one night as they sat in a cafe on the Rialto in Venice. He said he fed her a linguine dripping in Alfredo sauce and as she licked her lips, it hit him. He said the realization took his breath away. "Maybe you can jet down to Italy while you're in Europe. Go to Venice, eat some pasta..."

"Ah Cleo," he said shaking his head with a smile on his face. His eyes focused on the table, a faraway look in them, probably lost in a memory. "Sometimes, I think it would nice to be with someone who knew me like you do...”

“Emory knows you.” I said assuring him and yet not fully sure that she did.

“It’s just...” He started then stopped. The faraway look in his eyes and the brilliant shine told me he was getting close to tears again. “It’s just…”

“Ike, please don’t cry.” I said watching his chin tremble. He pulled in a ragged breath closing his eyes tightly. “I’m here to listen, but I don’t want you to tell me anything that you don’t feel comfortable sharing.”

“It’s just,” he started again. This time, his voice was low and modulated. He seemed to have gained control of his emotions. My dear sweet Isaac sat there talking his voice barely a whisper. “I feel like all of this is my fault. It’s my fault that she’s in so much pain.”

“What?” I asked. “No, that’s not even close to true.”

“Yes, it is.” Isaac said looking at me. His eyes were wide and filled with the conviction of truth. “I am the reason she is in pain. If it weren’t for me, she would have never gotten pregnant and she wouldn’t have lost it and she wouldn’t have to live through the hell that she is currently living.”

“Ike, you have to know that isn’t true.” I said feeling my heart drop as I heard those words. "How can you even think that you have anything to do with the loss?"

"I don't know." He shrugged the look on his face literally a study in pain. He shrugged again, but didn't lift his eyes to meet mine. He chewed on the inside of his lip trying to stop his lip from trembling. Neither of us looked up or acknowledged the waitress as she set the two baked lasagnas on the table. She may have even warned us that the plates were hot, but I didn't hear a thing. The only thing in the world right now was this man sitting across from me in such obvious pain. To avoid meeting my eyes, he picked up his fork and began pulling the lasagna apart layer by layer.

"Isaac?" I whispered.

He stopped digging through the lasagna. He sighed. "Maybe... Maybe I just pushed too hard, pushed too hard for a baby."

"Oh you have to know that's not true!" I said reaching out and grabbing his hand. "You have to know that she has wanted a baby from the beginning."

"Well, maybe we should have just started from the beginning... Maybe we shouldn’t have ever used any birth control, just let nature take its course." Isaac said softly. "You and Taylor did and all it did was make your marriage more perfect.”

“Isaac, I think that the years have dulled your memory.” I said quietly. “It took twenty years for us to get to “perfect.” Are you forgetting that he pushed me out of the tree house? That we had a completely ill advised moment on the day of my brother's funeral? That I spent five years being abused because I thought he didn’t love me?”

“No, I haven’t forgotten.” Isaac said stabbing at his lasagna. “What I meant was from the moment you were engaged, everything just seemed to fall into place.”

“Okay, are you high?” I asked. I set my fork down and watched him eat completely dumbfounded by what he had just said. “Do you not remember your bachelor party?” He just shrugged. “Yeah, I didn’t think you’d forget him sobbing and puking in the parking lot of a strip club.”

“No, that’s not something I’ll forget soon.” Isaac said polishing off his second glass of wine.

“And you weren’t there when Taylor decided that he just couldn’t deal with me and my many moods anymore.” I said hating even thinking about that day in a lot of ways, one of my all-time favorite moments and also one of my least favorite. “Seriously, our life together did not start out perfect. That day in Las Vegas was horrible.”

“And ironically, the next day, you came to my wedding rehearsal all smiles and happy.” Isaac said.

“Oh man, you weren’t there when he told me he was done. You weren’t there when I suddenly realized that he meant it, he didn’t want to marry me anymore.” I said remembering the feeling of the cold sweat when I realized that he was leaving me.

“I think that Belle would have changed his mind.” Isaac said finishing off his third glass of wine.

“Oh yeah, that would have been fantastic.” I said imagining how bad it would have been if I’d married him after finding out about my pregnancy. “I would have spent the rest of my life worrying that he’d married me out of duty, not love. That is not something I would have wanted to worry about every day. And don’t be fooled, having Belle was the hardest thing ever. Why do you think we lived over the Greek restaurant for so long? Because every day felt like it could be the last.”

“But it looks almost too perfect from the outside.” Isaac said shrugging. “In fact, Emory said that she can’t even watch the three of you together because it’s like a knife to her heart.”

“I just wish you could see it all from the inside, just once.” I said pushing my food away. The thought of hurting Emory was more than I wanted to think about.

“We have,” Isaac said pouring the last of the wine in his glass. “I don’t know how much more inside we could be after living on top of one another on a bus.”

“True,” I said realizing that Isaac probably did have a lot more insight into my marriage, my family, my life then I wanted to admit. And to think that all of that hurt Emory was killing me. I mean, no wonder she couldn’t even be in the same end of the bus as us. Maybe our lives were sickeningly perfect to the outside observer. And really, I did have to admit my life felt as close to perfect as was humanly possible. “I’m sorry…”

“For what?” Isaac asked as he reached across the table and took my glass of wine.

“I’m not sure, but it just felt like the right thing to say.” I said shrugging. I’m not really even sure what I was sorry for, but I felt so repentant and so bad about whatever it was. “I feel like for some reason all of this is my fault.”

“What? Why?” Isaac asked his forehead pulling together.

“I don’t really know how to articulate it…”

“God Cleo, when are you going to stop this shit?” He demanded slamming his hand down on the table. “When are you going to stop blaming yourself for everyone who isn’t happy?”

“What?” I asked not sure where this was going.

“It’s your usual pattern.” He said leaning forward across the table. “If everyone around you isn’t perfectly happy, you somehow find a way to make it your fault.”

“I don’t understand…”

“Zac is sick and almost dies, so you pull up stakes and run away from the single best thing that has ever happened to you.” He said a fire in his eyes. “Your mother becomes more and more bitter and you start to apologize all over the place that you were the one who lived. For hell’s sake, you stayed with Jarrod about five years too long because he made you feel appropriately shitty for living. When are you going to just accept that sometimes, good things can happen to you?”

“But you just told me that watching my family makes her hurt.” I said protesting. The comment about Jarrod stung. In fact, it was most likely the single most painful thing Isaac ever said to me, even worse than the moment in the Piggly Wiggly in Alabama. “How else am I supposed to take a comment like watching my family is a knife to her heart? You tell me that I’m breaking her heart and when I feel guilty, you tell me I shouldn’t?”

“No, what I’m saying is to stop being selfish.” Isaac said quietly, pushing his food away. “Cleo, not everything is always about you.”

“Selfish? How is me not wanting to hurt her selfish?” I demanded trying not to give in to the tears I could feel building. “And, you’re making it about me by telling me I hurt her.”

“I don’t mean it that way. I just was trying to illustrate a point.” Isaac said swiping at the tears standing along his lashes. He looked so tired, so broken. “I love you, really I do. But, for once… Just this once, this is about someone else. It’s about Emory and I. And God help me for it.”

“Ike, I’ve never known two people who are more perfectly suited for each other.” I said quietly. “We’ve always thought that.”

“We?” Isaac asked absently.

“All of us, me, Tay, Zac, your parents.” I said reaching out and putting my hand over his hand that was smoothing back and forth over the tiled tabletop. “All of us.”

“At one time, I would have agreed with you.” He said looking up. His smile was so melancholy. “How did we lose that?”

“I don’t know baby.” I said biting my lip.

“Maybe,” he said lacing his fingers through mine. “Maybe we’ll remember by returning to the scene of the crime.”

“Crime?”

“Yeah, maybe we’ll remember why we fell in love by returning to where we fell in love.” He said a glimmer in his eyes that had been missing all afternoon. “In Ireland.”

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