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This woman's
work
Pray God you can cope. |
“Mommy, what’s wrong with your belly?” Belle asked placing her hands on my tummy. I looked down to see it expanding quickly, popping the buttons on my shirt, snapping the zipper on my jeans.
“It’s a baby.” I said putting her hands on the spot where the little foot was beginning to push out.
“Why is it in you?” She said putting her head against my tummy.
“Because it’s growing, just like you.” I said smoothing my hand over her hair. The pressure on my belly was becoming unreasonable. I had grown so fast. I was sure that I was about to pop. “I think it wants to come out soon.”
“Mommy, why is Zac in bed with you and daddy?” She asked looking up at me.
“Zac’s not in bed with me!” I protested looking to my right and seeing Taylor.
“Yes, he is.” She said climbing onto my belly and patting my cheeks. “Mommy, Zac is right here…”
“Belle, get off my belly,” I said picking her up off my belly and setting her next to me.
“Hey, careful where you put that lethal weapon!” Zac said from next to me in bed.
“Holy shit!” I said sitting up. In the process of sitting up, I somehow knocked Taylor out of bed.
“Cleo!” Taylor said as he hit the floor, hard.
“Oh man! Tay, are you okay?” I asked leaning over to where Tay was rubbing his head.
“Yes, but what was that all about?” He said pulling himself up off the floor. “Hey Zac… Zac? I thought you were going to go back to your room.”
“I was, but Cleo is so comfy.” Zac said sitting up and rubbing his already crazy hair.
“Mommy, you’re naked!” Annabelle said her voice thick with awe.
“I know,” I said pulling on the sheet making sure it covered me completely. “Don’t you think that Anne is going to be wondering where you are?”
“She won’t notice until she wakes up and sees my bed is empty.” Zac said stretching his back cracking.
“You don’t share a bed?” Taylor asked lifting Annabelle off the bed.
“Oh no,” Zac said shaking his head. “That’s the tragedy of all of this… Anne and I never… Well, you know.”
“Mommy, why are you naked?” Annabelle asked wiggling to get out of her father’s arm.
“You never?” Taylor asked finally giving in and setting Annabelle down.
“No, she won’t.” Zac said sighing. “And no amount of begging changes that. Why else do you think Mom doesn’t care about us sharing a room?”
“Wow, that’s amazing.” Taylor said almost like he couldn’t fathom someone having that sort of strength.
“You know Tay, lots of people have relationships based on things other than that…” I said as Annabelle began pulling on the sheet wrapped around me. “Belle, stop that!”
“Mommy, why are you naked?” She asked putting her hands on either side of my face.
“Seriously baby, give it up.” I said looking at Taylor and giving him the “help me with this” look.
“Baby Bea, have you been potty yet?” Taylor asked as he scooped the bouncing baby off the bed.
“Yes!” She said her voice lisping over the sibilant consonant. “And I got Zoë up to help me potty last night!”
“Really?” Taylor asked his voice filled with excitement. “You are becoming such a big girl!”
“I am a big girl!” Annabelle said as they went into the bathroom. Zac rested his head on my shoulder as Annabelle chattered companionably with her father. Soon, Taylor and Annabelle reappeared, the baby twirling under her father’s hand.
“Hey big girl,” I said as she climbed up onto the bed and over Zac.
“Hi Mommy,” Annabelle said climbing into my waiting arms.
“Cleo, I’m gonna jump in the shower.” Taylor said stretching. “I can feel the funk…”
“Well, I can smell it.” Zac said from where he was curled around me. “I thought it might be Cleo, but I definitely think it’s you.”
“Why must you always try to get on my woman?” Taylor asked as he wandered into the bathroom. “Really, you would think you didn’t have your own woman to go get on.”
“How are you doing, really?” I asked Zac quietly as the door clicked shut behind Taylor. I held Annabelle tightly against me. I looked down at her peaches and cream skin, so smooth and clear like her father’s and smiled at the wiggle just under her skin. Even as she lay still in my arms, I knew it was driving her crazy that she couldn’t get down. But I also knew she loved being held and being close. Her soft, moist fingers were on my face, tracing my eyebrows and smoothing over my cheeks. I took her chubby, perfect hand and kissed the fingertips. Zac watched me, a strange, unreadable look on his face. “Zac?”
“I’m not sure…” Zac said rubbing his hands roughly through his messy hair. “I thought I’d figured it all out, but now… Honestly, moment by moment everything changes.”
“What changed?” I asked loving the weight of Annabelle in my arms.
“How can I watch how much you love Belle and not be affected?” Zac asked. “All I know is that Tay was right about one thing: everything seems so much less desperate this morning. Hopefully, I can figure something out. Really, I’ve asked Anne to forgive me for Symphony already… This just gives her a name and tie to me forever.”
“I love Symphony!” Annabelle crowed finally breaking away from me. Zac visibly flinched.
“How do you know Symphony?” I asked as Annabelle bounced up and down on the bed.
“They are Anne’s favorite candy!” She exclaimed as she launched herself onto Zac. “She told me that she loves Zac almost as much as chocolate!”
I watched tears gather in the corners of Zac’s eyes as Annabelle started going through his pockets obviously looking for a treat. He suddenly wrapped his arms around Annabelle, hugging her tightly. “I don’t think I can do it… I can’t lose her…”
“I know,” I said my hands on my belly. Symphony would be far enough along she would definitely feel the baby moving. Maybe she had made her appointment to have an abortion and then it happened. She had been lying in bed and felt it move; perhaps that is why she contacted Zac.
I had only known I was pregnant for a week. Seven very short days ago, I had found out my entire life was going to change. Taylor had taken the positive pregnancy test and taped it to the mirror over the sink. He was giddy with excitement and I was terrified. The idea of becoming a mother was so foreign. I lay in bed, a sleeping Taylor tangled around me. His body a furnace generating more heat than I could ever need, except for his hands and feet, which felt icy cold against my skin.
I shifted gently trying to find a balance between the hot and cold. I sighed my mind drifting closer to the inevitable edge. I could feel sleep settling into my bones, my brain just nanoseconds behind when I felt it. There was the barest fluttering of butterfly wings in my belly.
Instantly, I was fully awake, my hands resting on my belly. The gentle fluttering was so soft, it almost wasn’t there but it was. So soft and yet, so real. What a week ago I would have dismissed as indigestion was in truth my unborn baby.
Against the palms of my hands all I felt was the bump on my belly rising and falling with my breathing. But inside of me, it was dancing a virtual mambo. It was that moment, that precise moment in time; I knew I would die for this baby. I was in love. In love in a way that changed me so essentially that I became a different person. I lay in the generic hotel bed in a featureless, anonymous city and understood nothing ever would or even could be the same.
I didn’t even realize I was crying I was so entranced with the little stranger inside of me, until Taylor spoke. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“N…nothing.” I hiccupped.
“Why are you crying?” Taylor asked propping himself on his elbow, concern etched on his face. “Are you okay? Are you in pain?” I shook my head unable to articulate what it was I felt. “Is something wrong with the baby?”
“No,” I said taking his hand in mine and placing it on my tummy. “It’s moving.”
“Wow,” he breathed his hand applying gentle pressure on my belly. “I think I can feel it.”
The memory faded as I snuggled with my sweaty baby, so happy to have her, unable to imagine a life without her. I looked at Zac as he lay on the other side of Annabelle. His face was contorted in misery as Annabelle merrily sang her alphabet, off key and in the wrong order. Zac’s eyes were heavy; it had been a bad night for sleep for all of us, especially Zac who cried himself to sleep. As I watched his eyes close, I slowly felt myself drifting back towards sleep.
I don’t know how long I’d been lying on my bed, eyes closed listening to Annabelle regale us with all of her favorite songs. When I became aware that Taylor was talking to me. “Cleo, can you get that?”
“Huh?” I grunted sleepily.
“The door?” Taylor asked sticking his head out of the bathroom. “Never mind.” He said coming out of the bathroom, towel around his waist. Can I tell you about Taylor’s curve? He has this way of standing with his hips forward and his shoulders back, his spine this perfect, carelessly sexy curve. I smiled at him as he pulled the door open. “Hey Anne.”
“Is Zac here?” Anne asked her voice worried. “When I fell asleep he was sitting on the bed reading a letter and when I woke up this morning, he was gone.”
I watched Zac’s eyes pop open at her voice. “Anne!”
“Oh man, Zac!” Anne said rushing into the room and grabbing Zac in a hug. “I was so, so worried about you!”
“I fell asleep in here talking to Tay and Cleo.” Zac said into her hair. He pulled back from her and put his hands on either side of her face. He gave her such a look of love and longing, it was heartbreaking. He leaned forward and kissed her lips softly. “I was wide awake and feeling lonely, so I came to see if they were awake.”
“Zac, why didn’t you wake me?” Anne asked her eyebrows knitting together as Zac pulled her into another tight hug.
“Because you were so tired when we went back to the room.” Zac explained.
“I know, but Belle slept with Zoë,” Anne whispered. Her eyes met mine. “Tay and Cleo had plans.”
“No, they were just talking.” Zac justified.
“Zac, Cleo and Tay don’t talk naked,” Anne whispered.
“Anne, it’s okay.” I said sitting up as Annabelle decided that jumping on the bed was something she wanted to do. I had to get out of her way. Taylor came wandering out of the bathroom dressed. “We were done.”
“Baby, you need to jump in the shower so we can go get some food.” Taylor said as he walked over. “I think the buffet closes at 9:00, it’s almost that now.”
“It is, that is why I was looking for Zac,” Anne began grabbing Annabelle out of the air where she was bouncing.
“Okay,” I answered gingerly getting out of the bed, so as not to expose anything to the masses. “I’ll just be a second.”
“Nice ass Cleo,” Zac said as Anne slapped his arm. “Well, it is nice.”
I just rolled my eyes as I shut the door to the bathroom. Zac is just the most amazing creature ever. One minute he’s near tears completely upset and unsure of what to do, the next, he’s hyper and making his patented smart-ass remarks. I stepped into the shower and let the warm water wash over me, washing away last night and all the nights before. I stood wondering if Annabelle were going to be a big sister soon.
One thing for sure, she was about to become a cousin, maybe.
I was so worried for Zac. This really was a no-win situation. No matter what he decided to do, it would change him irrevocably. He was a father no matter what happened. He was about to either gain or lose a baby. Was he ready to be a full-time father? Would the guilt kill him if he let her abort the baby? How could he possibly make this situation anything but bad? I sighed as I rinsed my hair. I was so glad that I didn’t have to make this decision.
Although, I knew that I was going to be asked again what I thought he should do. And to be honest, I had no clue. I love Anne and would hate to lose her forever. But I just knew that the guilt over the baby that almost was would eat away at him until he wasn’t the man I knew now. This really was the worst thing that could happen.
I stepped out into the room to find Taylor sitting with Annabelle reading her a book. He held her chubby baby hand in his, pointing to each word with her finger. “I do not like them in a box, I do not like them with a fox…” Taylor looked up at me standing in front of my suitcase looking for something to wear. “Sexy.”
“Thanks,” I said smiling as I pulled on some shorts and a t-shirt. “Miss Belle, you look lovely in your dress.”
“I picked it out myself!” She said hopping off her father’s lap and twirling for me. “Daddy, I’m hungry.”
“I know sweetie,” Taylor said scooping her up into his arms. “Are you ready?”
“Sure, I said hurrying and pulling all my hair up into a bun. I followed Taylor and Annabelle on their leaping and spinning journey down the hallway. “Wait! Wait for me…”
I ran down the hallway after their swiftly disappearing backs. I turned the corner to find them standing in front of the elevator Annabelle very interested in the buttons on the front of the panel. As I approached, I realized Taylor was talking about up and down in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Elmo. “Mommy!”
“Hey sweetie!” I said as her face lit up with my appearance around the corner. She wiggled down out of her father’s arms and ran over to me. “What are you up to baby?”
“Going to breakfast.” She said coyly as we walked onto the elevator. Taylor reached out to press the button marked “L.” “No! I want to do it!”
“Sorry,” Taylor said stepping back so I could get up close to the panel with Annabelle. Taylor and I locked eyes over her head, both of us trying desperately not to laugh.
“Which button?” She asked looking up at me. I pointed out the right button and she commenced to punch it over and over the entire ride down. As the doors slid open, she announced, “I need to potty.”
“I’ll take her," Taylor said swinging her into his arms. He sauntered across the lobby holding her hand. She skipped from tile to tile. I heard her admonishing Taylor to not step on the green tiles and laughed as he tried to follow her counsel, his feet so large that they covered several tiles. The host seated me at a relatively private table before pouring two cups of coffee. The comforting smell of morning wafted over me. After all the years of waking up with Taylor, I had learned to love my coffee strong and black. I wandered over to the buffet getting food for Annabelle and I. It was easier if I just picked her food for her, given this much choice, we would be here all day.
I had just sat back down when Taylor and Annabelle returned. He was holding her in his arms kissing her forehead. After each kiss, she would promptly wipe off the spot he had kissed. He would then kiss her again. And again, she would wipe it off. He was about to laugh and she was getting irritated.
"Stop kissing me!" Annabelle protested as Taylor set her in the booster seat next to me. As he secured the belt around her waist, he planted a last kiss on the top of her head. Her face was beginning to turn red with anger. "Stop it!"
"Yeah Daddy, stop it." I said handing Annabelle the juice cup she was reaching for.
"You girls are no fun." Taylor said sticking his tongue out at me as he walked away.
I just had to roll my eyes. He was so funny and so sweet and such a big kid. I thought back to the early days of our marriage, back when it was just us... For those brief few weeks, we had that huge honeymoon period. We literally couldn't get enough of each other. It was quite literally a trial for us to have to get up and out of bed to even go into the kitchen to get food, let alone climb on a tour bus. Zac started a running total on the mirror in the bathroom with a grease pen of how many times we were caught doing something naughty. And I will admit the number was much higher than I'd ever thought possible. Isaac and Emory? No need to keep a running total on them, they were smart and discreet. I guess Taylor and I just wanted to enjoy every moment and didn't really care who was around.
And, it was funny, but I was one of the happiest pregnant women out there. I didn't have huge mood swings and I never had morning sickness. Which I thought was kind of surprising considering I have mood swings and general bitchiness when I'm not pregnant. But there was something in Taylor that just clicked over when he found out he was going to be a father. He suddenly had this air of maturity and gravity about him. It wasn't that the fun had gone out of him or our life, but... He seemed to understand that there were bigger things than finding time for a quickie before he went onstage. Although, he was never averse to finding a corner for a little something. But the reality of Annabelle was so huge and immediate. I mean we went from discovering my pregnancy to being parents in a very short span of time.
"Mommy?" Annabelle asked putting her hand on mine.
"Yes baby," I answered softly brushing her escaping curls back off her forehead.
"Why is Auntie Emory so sad?"
"Emory's not sad." I smiled loving the concern in her voice.
"But she's crying," Annabelle said pointing over to where Emory stood patiently waiting for Isaac to finish signing an autograph. I looked at her and sure enough, there were big tears sliding down her cheeks, her eyes hidden behind sunglasses.
"Belle baby, you stay here and wait for Daddy," I said taking my napkin off my lap and heading over towards Emory and Isaac. As I got closer, Emory held out her hand and I clasped it. She was ice cold and shaking. "What's wrong?"
"Not in here," she said pulling me towards the doors. "Isaac, will you go sit with Belle?"
"Of course," he said a note of sadness in his voice.
As we hurried through the automatic doors, I could hear soft sobs escaping Emory. She didn't stop until we were on the bus, out of sight of the gathered masses. "Emory, honey, what’s wrong?"
"Oh Cleo," she sobbed throwing her arms around me. I held her quivering body. I just stood there holding her, she felt so fragile. "I... I lost the baby."
"What?" I asked pulling back looking up into her face.
"We hadn't told anyone because we weren't out of the danger zone yet," she sobbed. "But, we were getting so close. It was going to be three months next week. Ike and I heard the heartbeat. It was real this time."
"Oh man," I said tears in my eyes.
"It all feels so desperate." She cried.
"But hey, at least you were finally able to get pregnant." I said putting a hand on either side of her face. "You've never even gotten this far before. It will happen again."
"I just want to go home," she said slumping down onto the couch.
"The tour is almost over," I said settling down next to her.
"No, home, to Ireland." She said covering her face with her hands. "I love Ike, I really do. And the whole family has been just more than supportive, but I want to eat bad food and drink warm Guinness and just be with people who understand me."
"It must be so hard to be so far from home," I said rubbing her knee. "I wish there was something I could do for you."
"Find me a baby," she said pulling her hands away from her face. "I know that Ike loves me no matter what and I know that everything will work out for the best, but right now? I feel like my guts are being ripped out. I want to love someone the way you love Belle and have someone love me that way as well."
"It'll come," I whispered hugging her. As I rocked her, a very tired looking Isaac got on the bus. "Hey."
"Hey," Isaac said rubbing at his very red and bloodshot eyes.
"I'm so sorry," I said feeling tears welling in my eyes.
"Thanks," he said sitting down on the other side of Emory.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" I asked giving Emory over to Isaac for comfort and yet, he looked like he was the one that needing comforting.
"No," he said his voice hollow and sad. He reached out and grabbed my hand, clinging to it as if it were an anchor, holding him up, preventing him from slipping away.
I leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead. "I love you."
"I know," he said smirking slightly. I held his hand for a moment longer then let go turning to leave. "There is one thing..."
"Of course," I said stopping on the steps of the bus.
"Don't tell anyone yet." Isaac said as he smoothed his hand over Emory's hair. "Let us get used to the loss."
I opened my mouth to speak, but I knew that saying anything would result in me sobbing, so I just nodded my head. I walked back into the hotel to find a near riot of activity. The entire family was now down in the cafe eating. So were all the fans that had camped out in front of the hotel all night. I wended my way back to mine and Taylor's secluded table. Taylor and Annabelle were sitting there deep in some conversation, each of them listening to the other as if there was no one else around. Taylor ignored the flashes going off every once in a while across the room as he listened intently to his baby. That bond, that unspoken love, was so complete between the two of them. I stood on the outside watching them. I needed to be on the inside sharing with them.
As I reached the table, I quickly undid the buckle around my baby's middle and lifted her out of her booster seat. I pulled her in so close; I could feel her struggling to get away from me. I kissed her. "I love you more than life itself." I whispered in her ear.
Taylor looked at me, his eyebrows knitting together. "Are you okay?
"Yeah," I said sitting down with my baby in my lap. I buried my nose in her neck, loving the sweet, sleep smell of her. I felt the tears beginning to threaten behind my eyes. "What are you doing?"
"I was eating and telling daddy about what I want for my birthday." She said.
"Birthday?" I said surprised. Here it was mid-October and she was a New Year's baby. "That isn't for a long time."
"Yes, but..." Annabelle said a gravity to her voice. "Zoë told me to make sure that I made a list for both Christmas and my birthday so Santa didn't bring the same thing as you and Daddy."
"Yes, Belle is very concerned that we will get our wires crossed with Santa Claus." Taylor said a laugh in his voice.
"Oh, that is very important." I said nodding. "I would hate to think of you not getting everything you wanted."
I looked at Taylor and tried to smile. But it just wasn’t coming. “Cleo, are you sure you’re okay?”
I shook my head gently. “Annabelle, baby, maybe you need to go talk to Grandma about your birthday.”
“Yeah, I think you should.” Taylor said helping Annabelle jump out of my lap.
“Okay,” Annabelle said kissing both Taylor and I before running over to her Grandma.
“Now Cleo, tell me what’s wrong?” Taylor said reaching for my hand. “What happened in the bus?”
“Now Taylor, you cannot freak out over what I’m about to tell you.” I said gripping his hand tightly.
“I won’t,” he said shrugging.
“No, I want you to promise me that there will be nothing.” I said looking into his eyes.
“Okay,” Taylor said his eyebrows coming together in a look of concern.
“Taylor, I am deadly serious about this.” I said quietly. “I want you to tell me that you will support Zac no matter what his decision is.”
“Cleo, I don’t know if I can do that.” Taylor said shaking his head.
“Yes, you can and you will.” I said. “This is the single hardest decision Zac will ever have to make and we will support him.”
“But Cleo, what if things had been different?” Taylor whispered urgently. “What if you had never had Belle?”
“That isn’t even a fair question…” I started.
“Yes, it is!” He said his voice getting louder. “How can you even say that? We almost didn’t get married. Would you have had her if we hadn’t?”
“The point is this: Belle is here. Her reality has no effect on whether or not Zac wants this baby.” I said through my teeth. “You and I were going to be married. We love each other and there was never any question of that. Zac hardly knows this girl… I would bet he couldn’t even tell us her last name.”
“Then what was he doing with her?” Taylor demanded.
“Getting his rocks off obviously.” I said. "Exactly what you were doing when Belle was conceived."
"That makes it sound so tawdry," Taylor said a look of disgust on his face. "I was not getting my rocks off... I was making love to the woman I adore..."
"Regardless, this is not about us!" I said a little louder than I meant to. "This is about Zac. And about Symphony. And you have to promise me that you will respect Zac’s decision no matter what it is.”
“Cleo…” Taylor began shaking his head.
“Tay, seriously, this is the hardest thing Zac has ever had to decide. Do not make it harder.” I admonished. “You have to remember that what is right for you may not be right for him.”
"Still, it's his flesh and blood." Taylor argued.
"It is, but he isn't the one carrying it." I reasoned.
"True," Taylor said shrugging.
"And having a baby is a huge and emotional thing." I continued. "This girl doesn't want to be a mother at all. Do you honestly think Zac is ready to raise a baby on his own?"
"He isn't alone," Taylor argued. "He has Anne and all of us..."
"Sweetheart," I said softly, the knowledge that Anne would definitely leave when she found out stealing over me. I felt the hot tears burning in my eyes and my lip quivered slightly. "When Anne hears, she will be gone. She has forgiven Zac a lot, but this may be too big."
"Do you really think she'll leave?" Taylor said reaching out and cupping my cheek. I nodded mutely. The thought of losing my best friend was pretty so sad. "Aw man... That is harsh. Still, I can't get over the idea that it's a baby. And when I look at Belle... I just imagine all of the things I would have missed out on if for some reason you had decided not to have her. I just want to tell Zac that he can't kill his baby. It's just not right."
"Taylor, when did you go all pro-life on me?" I asked getting frustrated. "When did you become a woman so you can say what's right and what's not right for a woman's body?"
"I'm not saying that I know what's right." He said softly. "I think a woman should have a choice. But..."
"But, this woman shouldn't because it is the baby is someone you know you'll love?" I asked.
"Yeah," he said looking down at the table. "I just keep imagining you making this choice..."
"But I didn't." I said kissing him. "And I would never have to, because I know you love me. But Zac does not love Symphony and never will. If he calls her, then we will all be happy and will love this baby more than life itself. If he doesn't, then... You have to allow Zac and Symphony to make this choice."
We sat in silence for a few moments. I watched him closely, his eyes straying over to the table where Annabelle was regaling her grandparents with a very dramatic story that involved dancing around. The love in his eyes was palpable. I wonder if Annabelle could feel the warmth of his gaze on her skin. Almost in answer to my question, Annabelle turned towards Taylor and blew him a kiss. Just then, Zac came into view. He looked downtrodden and heartbroken. His shoulders slumped forward. He looked like a beaten man; he had accepted his defeat.
When Annabelle noticed Zac, she ran over to him, throwing her arms around his knees. He leaned down and lifted her up, giving her a big hug. I could only imagine what they were talking about as he carried her outside with him. Annabelle is the luckiest child in the world. She is surrounded by people who love her. And Zac's baby would be just as lucky. I sighed. I didn't envy Zac this choice. Not even a little bit. As they walked out the front door, Zac had Annabelle on one hip and was holding Anne's hand.
“Okay, fine.” Taylor said after thinking for a few moments. He was watching Zac as he said that. He could see the heartbreak written plainly on his face. “I see what you’re saying."
"Good," I said smiling.
"Whatever decision he makes, he has to live with." Taylor said softly.
"We all do." I said.
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