I am convinced that every girl has one guy she'll do crazy over. There is one guy that makes a girl enter what I like to call "The Demented Zone". I found my guy and this is my story. It was written back in May of 2001.
More Exciting Than Fiction
About
a year ago I met a guy at work who seemed like an a*s. I felt he was spoiled and
rude and could not believe that my friends would talk to him. I should have
known there was something wrong when I realized it was the most used storyline
in history. Girl meets Boy. Girl/Boy hates Boy/Girl. Feelings change. Girl/Boy
falls for Boy/Girl. Bedlam ensues. For a year I flirted, I hinted, I all but
wrote out my feelings for this boy on my forehead. He was graduating from
college in May and I was getting nervous. He was so excited to leave and go home
six states away he failed to see that I was going to miss him. As his last day
grew closer I was trying to decide whether or not I should tell him how I feel.
Friends told me to go for it. Everyone had a glorified story of happiness to
accompany his or her story.
About two weeks before his last day I started hinting to him about a problem I was having. I said it was about a "guy" I liked but didn't know if I should say anything or not. Asking him what he'd do, how he'd react, etc, etc.
He tried to give me advice but basically he said "do it. It won't kill you." He never asked who it was but I hinted that it was someone in the office. He didn't take the bait.
Wednesday afternoon he was working on an electrical part and I sat down next to him. Me: "Remember when I kept saying 'I know something you don't know?'"
Him: ::not really paying attention to me:: "Yeah, are you going to finally tell me or keep teasing?"
I started feeling queasy and stopped for a few moments. Waited for him to look at me and said "The guy. Was you." Time stopped for a few seconds I swear to God.
His face froze. He blinked a few times. He "ah"ed a couple of times and I freaked. I jumped up and started walking away.
I waited on the other side of the room as his face contorted into about fifty-two different expressions of shock, surprise, amazement, embarrassment, everything.
I just stood there in complete shock. I was CONVINCED he knew. I would have bet my paycheck he knew. He *had* to know. Everybody knew. He didn't know.
He came over and the first words out of his mouth were, get this: "I'm flattered."
My brain froze. What? Flattered? Are you kidding me? I just poured my heart out and you're FLATTERED? That was the best you could come up with!!
"Ah, that's sweet." WHAT?!? OHMYGOD! Sweet? What am I, a four-year old? Am I a dog that just retrieved a bone?
I just wanted to die. I just wanted to be swallowed up by the floor by some Divine "Amanda has suffered enough, let us take her from this horrid situation" Intervention.
That didn't happen. Then his boss came over and I was forced to make small talk with him and a dark-haired gorgeous elfin creature who wouldn't know a fat molecule if it bit her in her non-existent a*s. I spoke to one of the other guys at work and he helped me though. I mean, this wasn't the end of the world and in all honesty what could he say? He obviously didn't know and this was a pretty big thing to lay on him.
Or at least that was what I was trying to tell myself. I was hugged and pitied for the rest of the day but I held on. I was strong.
Until I left the building. I put on my sunglasses, turned on my diskman and cried my eyes out. I was damn near hysterical. I felt so....stupid. Ugly. A failure as a girl. I berated myself and picked apart everything I said, did, didn't do and didn't say until I was a big blob of emotions and used tissues.
My father knew all about this and I warned him ahead of time to have Kleenex at the ready for the ride home. I walked him through it and he made me see the positive side. He didn't laugh at me. He didn't hurt me...other than his bad choice of wording but... My father is still convinced I will hear from him months down the road out of the blue.
Thursday came and went but I lost my appetite and hadn't really slept all week.
By Friday morning at 3 am I was exhausted and emotionally drained. I grabbed my book and read until I had to start getting ready for work. I should have known it was going to be a bad day when I tripped over the book getting out of bed. And it went downhill from there. If it could have gone wrong it went wrong. The fruit juice I usually get in the morning wasn't there so I had cranberry juice. This may not seem like a big thing but try taking caffeine from a coffee drinker and you'll get the idea.
I bought a bagel but was choking it down in the car. I just wasn't in the mood to eat.
While we stopped to get gas, I flipped through the channels and found Vertical Horizon's "Best I Ever Had" song. That did it. By the time my father got back in the car I was holding my picked-apart bagel in one hand and my nasty cranberry juice in the other while tears streamed down my face.
I tripped over myself getting into work. Instead of just dumping the cranberry juice I thought I'd be nice and pour it down the drain first. The juice splashed up and my nice new white shirt now had stains all over the front of it. How could this be happening to me? I just burst into tears, absolute hysterics in the middle of the bathroom.
Standing at my desk, I spilled water all over it. It was almost comical at this point. If I had had a sense of humor I would have laughed but I just wanted to sit down and cry. I couldn't help acting like a spoiled child but I just wanted to go home. No can do though. Must work on.
I was working at my desk when I heard a knock at the door. I knew who it was and my stomach was flipping over itself. The urge to crawl under the rug and ignore the knocking was strong but I took a deep breath and opened the door. Why does he have to be so damn perky? He was standing there with a huge grin on his face. “Morning!”
I grunted, shifted my eyes to the floor and walked around him. After handing him his keys he asked if the cat got my tongue. I shrugged my shoulders but kept my eyes on the floor. He was pissed. He stormed down the stairs and threw open the door. I couldn’t help it! What could I say? I was so embarrassed and still feeling hurt that I couldn’t say anything. I shut the door and fought the urge to just sit and cry again.
At one point in the morning he has the shadow me and act as a bodyguard of sorts. That was pretty sad. We stood in complete silence. When people say you can feel the tension in the air you could honestly feel the tension.
I knew this wasn’t going to do either one of us any good and I knew he wasn’t going to break.
I all but screamed out, “Say something!! You haven’t said anything!”
“WHAT?! Me? You won’t talk to me!”
So opened the lines of communication. We talked a bit but it was strained. I had to admit that was the saddest part. We could always talk about anything and now…there was this thing that was between us.
There was so much I wanted to say but just didn’t know how to say it. I was afraid if I said anymore it would only make things worse but then again at that point did it matter? He was leaving for good in only a few hours.
We ate lunch together but it was obvious he was just going to ignore the whole thing and pretend I never said anything. I said as much also but he just shrugged his shoulders.
By three o’clock I realized it was now or never. I had bought him a card for his graduation and gave it to him. We laughed (nervously) about my wise-ass message inside and kind of fell into uncomfortable silence.
I took a deep breath. “Okay. I just want two minutes. Please just listen.” He agreed.
My mind was just spinning. Everything I had thought about and practiced just flew out of my brain. I stumbled, I fumbled, and finally some coherent thought came to my brain. I will try to recreate my public embarrassment for you:
“All right.” ::deep breath:: “What I said may not have meant anything for you but it meant so much to me. I never tell people I like them. No. Never. I go to my grave with stuff like this. I am so afraid of getting hurt that I never say anything. Don’t you know I’m going to miss you? God I’m going to miss you. I’m going to walk out that door and I will miss you. You are so quick to leave that I am so afraid you’ll just forget us all. I’ll tell you now are part of the reason I’m leaving. (Random aside: I handed in my resignation last week) When I needed you you were there for me and I tried to be there for you. You make me smile.” Oh and I said so many more things that just are so embarrassing. He honestly didn’t seemed scared though. A little overwhelmed? Yeah but who wouldn’t be? I spent the last year calling him lovely nicknames like Lardo and Chunkybutt and now I just poured all that out. I’d be freaked….I am freaked!