Portland review

or

What NOT to do when you meet Hanson

I drove up to see a friend of mine and attended a concert in Portland, Maine. The concert was Hanson. Why did I try to hide that fact? Because it's socially unacceptable to like Hanson and I just did not want to hear the comments from others: "why the hell would you do that?" "God, you still like them? Why?!" It's easier to not say anything. "I am going up to visit a friend." Or, "it was a local band." Well, screw that.... at least for now. This review may or may not make it past my journal at home. Sunday morning my friend Amanda and I drove to Portland for the concert. She had won a meet & greet pass to go backstage so we needed to be at the venue early. The venue wasn't all that difficult to find. All you needed to do was look for the hundred or so girls camped out, clutching homemade signs & wearing the standard "fan" attire - white tank top with colored bra straps on display & brightly-colored ruffle short skirt. Seriously, is there a store that all of these girls shop in that I don't know about? They all look like a perma-tanned army with technicolor uniforms. Amanda & I found parking in a public lot and openly grimaced at the other cars in the garage with "Ike! Tay! Zac!" written on the car windows with soap. Is publicly displaying "honk if you like Hanson” really necessary? Hmm....I wonder why people tend to get annoyed by Hanson fans and their behavior. It's a mystery to me.

I had yet to buy a ticket for the concert so I went in search of the box office while Amanda looked for the other meet & greet people. Apparently I looked like some one in search of a ticket because before I even found the box office, a mother approached me and offered to sell me a ticket for cheaper than face value. I bought one from her and moved along.

After standing around for a half hour, trying not to look obvious and Hanson-fanish, I left Amanda with the rest of the m&g people and headed to the used bookstore to kill time. I found a comfortable spot and read for a bit before I moseyed back to see if Amanda was done. They hadn't even gone in yet. I did, however, get to meet up with Amanda's friends, Laura (who I had met once before), her sister Stef, and Alena. We all chatted for a while when Alena disappeared and produced radio station stickers that were backstage passes for all of us. She had previously won three backstage passes and, while we were chatting and getting acquainted, asked the radio station DJ if she could have an extra one for me. Folks, she had just met me! That’s why one of my kidneys has her name stamped on it. She gets first dibs! :-)

The tour manager, Machine, I think his name was, came out to get the m&g winners and bring them inside. About ten minutes later, he corralled the radio winners, including a very giddy me, into the lobby of the theater and explained what was going to happen. We would be let in to see sound check from the back of the theatre. We were not allowed to walk around the theatre, take pictures, etc, as we would be kicked out. Essentially, we could stand quietly in the back and watch. We were ushered in past Amanda and the rest of the m&g people, venue people, roadies, and various family members of the band. They lined us up along the back of the theatre and we were at the end of the line. The band was rehearsing, "Strong Enough To Break" and frankly, it was pretty amazing to see. With everything that surrounds a band, sometimes it is easy to forget that they are musicians.  Standing in the back of the theatre, it was all about the music…well, that and Taylor yelling at the sound guy, Fern. If I heard, “Fern!” followed by random complaints about the sound of the keyboards once, I heard it a hundred (no hyperbole necessary) times. The band moved onto "Cried" and my jaw hit the floor, so much for trying to act cool and calm. The song sounded amazing live and I can scratch that song off my “obscure Hanson songs I want to hear live” list but after about fifteen minutes of working on the second verse, Taylor said, "I think the song has lost its ______." The word that he used escapes me now but basically he said that they had grown past the song. Even though I love that song in an unhealthy way I had to agree; the band can’t sing the song the same way that they could back in '97.
By that point, I was damn near doing the pee pee dance. Leave it to me to need to go to the bathroom during freaking sound check!! After begging the roadies to let me use the bathroom without getting kicked out, I all but ran. Using the bathroom was not on Machine’s “things that will get you kicked out of the theatre immediately” list but I didn’t want to take any chances. Of course I had to pick the bathroom with no lock so I spent a few seconds calming myself, with eyes trained on the doorknob, waiting to scream bloody murder to avoid a horrifically embarrassing moment.

During the sound check, one of the roadies explained that the band would come off-stage, sit at the table and autograph CDs, and pose for group pictures. We would then be ushered into a separate area in the venue to wait for them to let us stake out our area in the theatre for the concert. We were at the end of the receiving line but that was okay with me. I was just happy to be in there and not in the back of the line of freaky fans.

The tour manager motioned to the band that it was time to finish up with the sound check. Of course, the band ignored him and continued to argue about the speed of the chorus of "Deeper." After a few more urgings from their handlers, the band ended their rehearsal (“Fern!”) and started to pack it up.

We were told that we were at the end of the line of people meeting the band so we were completely unprepared for them to walk up to us and meet us first. The guys walked up the side of the theatre and all I could think was, “All right. Be cool. It’s no big deal. It’s only three guys. Be cool.” That lasted a total of .02 seconds. I don’t know why but I become a complete moron around celebrities. Taylor motioned for us to come forward and my mind went blank. I had all sorts of questions I wanted to ask and comments I wanted to make but nothing. Absolutely nothing came to mind. And, of course, when I did think of something to say I sounded like Rain Man, randomly shouting out words that had nothing to do with the conversation. For instance:

Hanson: “How did you like, er, soundcheck?” They seemed less-than-pleased with the rehearsal.

Stef: “Kinda uneventful.”

Zac: “Uneventful?” He seemed taken aback.

Hanson (perhaps Isaac?): “Well, soundcheck is where we…” blah, blah about practice and stuff.

Me, in a super, unnecessarily LOUD VOICE: “Well, maybe NOT FOR YOU, BUT FOR US, YES!” It made no sense at the time and it makes no sense now. I don’t know what I was talking about. No one spoke. No one knew what to say. They all just looked at me, embarrassed for the poor, retarded girl. Awkward.

I also asked everyone around me, including the band, if they had a camera for a group picture. WTF??? Why would the band have a camera? Ohmygod. I’m an idiot. Taylor seriously thought I was mentally slow.

So, as I was completely unprepared for meeting the band, I had nothing for them to sign. I apologized to Taylor for it. Again, retarded behavior. He didn’t care. He did, jokingly, motion to sign my forehead with a Sharpie though. Haha… did I come up with a witty retort? No, I stood there. Gaping at him. No “yeah, like my boss wouldn’t be too pissed about permanent marker so prominently displayed.” Or “I’d be afraid someone would try to steal me and sell my on ebay.” Nothing. Blank. More awkwardness.

Taylor did go around the group to ask everyone’s name, except mine. I am apparently not cool enough for a name…. but, then again, maybe he felt bad for me and thought I was incapable of remembering my name. It’s a possibility. I was that retarded.

Taylor signed a magazine for Alena and she must have asked if this was their first time in Portland. Alena, unlike me, retained the ability to communicate in an appropriate manner. He replied, “No we were here before…” blah, blah. Finally my mouth worked properly and I asked….wait for it….it’s crucial information here, people… “Are there any states you guys haven’t been to yet?” WTF???? *This* is the question I come up with!?!?!?! No “I love the new video. Why did you choose Boston as the location?” “Is this your last tour?” “What is the next single?” “Is ‘Get Up and Go’ about a stripper?” “Can I carry your children?” Nope. Nothing. I ask the *lamest* question ever; a question that even a 12 year old casual fan wouldn’t ask. Ugh.

They racked their brains for a few seconds. Zac piped up with “Alaska” and Isaac jumped in with “Montana.” Taylor, clearly unimpressed with the question, said “North Dakota. North and South Dakota” and sort of shrugged his shoulders. He was *so* done with me and I couldn’t blame him. Awkward.

At that point the tour managers attempted to corral everyone together for a picture. Alena, the prepared one, brought a camera. I really, really, really, really, really, REALLY (did I mention really?) did not want to be in the center of the picture. I attempted to sneak between Isaac and Taylor in an attempt to hide behind them but they were having none of that. They were both all “what the hell are you doing?” Taylor kind of yelled, “Turnaroundturnaroundturnaround” as I desperately tried to get between them so I could stand behind them. I did not pushed to the front; I hate that damn picture too. I want to crop myself out of it, which is difficult considering I am the DEAD CENTER. I look like the proverbial deer in the headlights. Everyone looks casual and “yeah, we’re chillin’ with Hanson.” I’m all, “OHMYGOD help me!!” I turned back to thank the guys again but they had already moved on to the next group of fans.

We all moved along to the front door, tickets in hand. The beefy security guard took our tickets and instructed us to sit on the stairs and wait. There was a bit of confusion as to whether we were at the front of the line or the back but he assured us that we were the front of the line. I have never been at the front of the line. Usually there is such pushing and shoving at the front that it’s not worth the hassle.

While we waited, Alena passed the picture, taken with her digital camera, around and confirmed my fears: I looked like a freak. Hansons are recoiling away from me in horror.

We chatted about how insane and crazy the whole day had been – scoring backstage and the possibility of front row. The security assembled as we sat there and the women security frightened me more than the guys. The guys are no big deal. To them, it’s a job. The women looked like they would take it personal.

In a surprisingly short period of time, a roadie motioned to us to come forward and WALK into the theatre. All the security and roadies kept telling us to walk. I think they were afraid, justifiably so, that there was going to be a stampede; they’d seen it happen before, I’m sure. Stef, Laura, Alena and I walked to the first raised area, about fifteen feet from the stage, as a security guard informed us that we could come forward and stand on the floor, mere inches from the stage. Holy sh*t! We were two feet from the stage. I parked myself in front of Mr Isaac Hanson’s microphone with my best “don’t mess with me” stance. No one was going to get past me. I would never camp outside a venue for front row but when the opportunity like that arose; I’d fight for it. Laura was to my left, Alena to my right. Stef was behind Laura and Amanda behind her. A metal grate barrier separated us from security. We were not allowed to stand on the barrier, thus moving even closer to the stage, until the security guard said so. No one listened to him and, to save our spots, we stepped forward when everyone else did. He yelled at us to move back and we did but somehow a rather large girl maneuvered herself next to Laura. I feared for Laura’s safety. This girl hovered over the barrier and let all her little friends up next to her. The girl was pissing us off and the opening act hadn’t even started yet. Laura had to lean all of her weight just to keep this girl from pushing her over. It was ridiculous. Hanson fans are crazy. Laura told them to knock it off but of course, Amazonia was all “it’s not me. I’m getting squished too.” Mind you, she had stiletto heels on! What crack addict wears stiletto heels to a concert? I don’t think she was dealing with a full deck. Contorted and cramped together, we tried to keep the blood flowing by shifting our weight in the miniscule space between bodies.

The guard signaled that we could step forward and everyone damn near threw elbows for ideal viewing/front row access. I stood just to the right of Isaac’s microphone – my ideal location. :o) Laura was still having issues with the Amazonia on her left pushing and shoving. The show had not even begun and Stef was smooshed like a pancake. That poor girl must still have bruises. Meanwhile, on my right there was no pushing, no shoving, nothing. That’s because those girls flirted with the security for whatever reason. They stood dead center in the front row – one Hanson is married with a child, one is halfway up the aisle and the other has a girlfriend also. Please! Security told the girls that all three guys came with girls attached but that didn’t stop them. Bizarre.

Security was made up of dumba*ses also. They were sort of funny before the show but they mocked the band right to their faces and I’m not down with that. One security guard bitched about child support to the girls and showed them pictures of his kids. Bizarre. The other security guard bragged about how much money he makes under the table, wink, wink. He was missing a front tooth. It was difficult to take him seriously when all I could think of was Alfalfa. Every other word was “f*ck” with him too. After a while it lost its potency. “F*ckin’ because of you guys, I had to f*ckin’ get in here at f*ckin’ ten a.m. F*ckin’ campin’ out! F*ckin’ crazy, all of ya! F*ckin’ fans.” Every time the crowd screamed he got angry also. Did he really think that we’d remain silent for the whole evening? He’d put earplugs in when the crowd screamed but then take them out again. Dumba*s, leave them in! The screaming wasn’t going to stop. It’s Hanson for Pete’s sake. Does he not know that the band carries the World Record for the world’s loudest audience ever?

The opening act, Tyler Hilton, was really cute in a pseudo-John Mayer kind of way. He had strange hair but he wasn’t bad. He was totally gobsmacked by the audience and its fervor. I guess no prepared him for the insanity. He sang a song “about kissin’” and one about wanting peanuts instead of pretzels on airplanes, cute and totally gobsmacked. He finished up his set and announced that he would be out at the merchandise table if anyone wanted to say hello. He was good and all; and I would have liked to look into his CD but God himself could have descended Heaven and I wasn’t leaving my spot. *So* glad that I went to the bathroom when I did. No potty breaks for those in the front row, people. :0P

The lights came up again and the roadies moved equipment around. At this point I just wanted it to begin, I anticipated the fervent push forward that happens when the band steps onstage. I feared that cracked ribs I would receive might somehow impair my ability to jump around and yell like an idiot. The energy at a Hanson concert is intense and most people reading this have felt it before. For those inexperienced ones, the screaming, literally, distorts your eardrums.

The lights went down and the crowd reached a new level of deafening. The crush forward was not as bad as I imagined but we were still tossed around like rag dolls. Laura, Alena, and I grabbed on to the metal barricade and held on for dear life. If we let go, we were lost. It’s like getting tossed around in the ocean in a hurricane. The band meandered onstage and all Hell broke loose. No real introductions or grasping attempts at stage banter – the boys got right down to it. The opening chords of “Rock n Roll Razorblade” began and we were off.

I always thought that RnRR was a blasé song full of cliqued lyrics but live the song is insane, absolutely insane. “Watch me. Watch me.” The whole crowd screamed, jumped, and sang along. There really is nothing like a live concert.

Here is the set list, thanks for Alena for remembering to type it up the day after the show:

-Rock 'n' Roll Razorblade
-Dancin' in the Wind (I have absolutely NO memory of them playing this song at all.)
-A Minute Without You (Yay! An Isaac lead song)
-You Never Know
-Deeper (Another Isaac lead)
-Every Word I Say (Awesome song. Love it. Love it. Love it.)
-Look at You (Eh. I’m over it.)
-Zac solo: Need You Now (So sweet and passionate. Who knew he had it in him?)
-Isaac solo: Being Me (There’s nothing I can say about this song that won’t make me sound like a 12 year old with her first crush. Suffice it to say, I loved it)
-Underneath
-Love Song (I died, gooey puddle of girlie ooze on the floor, died)
-Hand in Hand (Yay! More Isaac)
-Where's the Love (Awww! I still love this damn song.)
-AC/DC cover: Long Way to the Top (Good but I prefer their original material)
-Crazy Beautiful (Nothing can compare with the DVD version)
-Penny & Me
-Mmmbop
-Man from Milwaukee (Still love this song)
-Lost Without Each Other (I thought the place was going to come tumbling down around us)
-In the City (Eh)
Encore:
-Hey (Kinda clunky. I like the acoustic version better)

I could go through every moment of the concert but that would take hours. I’ll just give you some highlights:

-Looking around every few minutes to make sure that my fellow concertgoers were, indeed still with us and not, bleeding away under the stomping feet of a mob of screaming fans.

-Isaac singing, “Being Me” as his solo and following up with “Love Song” and “Hand in Hand.” Portland was truly the Isaac Hanson show and I was more than okay with that.

-Zac smirking at us from behind his drum kit. He knew we were trying out hardest not to look teenie but failing miserably.

-Isaac going over to the keyboard and playing alongside Taylor. I wish I could remember which song that was but I have no clue.

-The crowd, including the girls and I, going absolutely bonkers for LWEO. I mean, as if the crowd was not fired up enough, LWEO threw us over the edge. I thought the floorboards were going to give way. I lost a sandal and my bra strap unhooked it was that intense. I have been to concerts before and never, never, never have I seen a crowd go crazy like they do for LWEO. I mean, back in the Hanson hey-day, the crowd didn’t go as crazy for Mmmbop as it did for LWEO. The fact that this song has not caught on on American radio is a shame. It pisses me off no end that the only reason radio isn’t playing it is because it’s Hanson. Move on, people, move on!

-Oh the shameful things we did, which include but are not limited to: thrashing our hair around just because we could; devil horns; singing along loudly, very loudly; fist pumping in the air; booty shaking; the “round and round” dance during WTL; synchronized clapping; lip synching along to the music. Hahahaha…. embrace the teenie. You know you want to.

-During one of the songs, hell if I know which one, Isaac looked at me and made a motion, as if to say, “here, catch.” First of all, the fact that Isaac Hanson looked me in the eye was enough to make my little heart stop for a moment but then, to see his guitar pick leave his hand in a tossing motion, in my direction was, well, insane. Obviously, the boy is not well versed in my well-documented history of lack of hand-eye coordination. I was always the last person picked during gym class, with good reason. I’ll break here for this information to sink in……………………………….I caught a guitar pick…in midair…with me hands! I don’t catch anything and I’m not lying, no hyperbole necessary. My childhood was marred by memories of being picked last in gym class. I only lasted in softball for one season because my coach banished me to the outfield where I spent my time doing cartwheels and swatting at flies with my mitt. I am not blessed with hand-eye coordination at all.

The only thing that spoiled my moment was the face that I made when I went to catch the pick. It was horrific. Isaac Hanson still has nightmares about it, I’m sure. It was a full on, slow motion, cheesy underdog sports movie “magic moment” grimace. It was bad. Bad. Not, “oh, that’s too bad” bad but rather, “that hideous image is burned into your retinas forever” bad.

-Taylor, stepping on top of the piano, singing, jumping up and down. When he finally jumped off the damn thing he landed on his knees in the front of the stage. Ouch. He lay on the ground for a good few minutes, trying to catch his breath and I’m sure, questioning why the hell he did that and whether he would be able to walk the next day.

-Covering my head with my hands as Taylor decided to step to the front of the stage and touch fans’ hands. Yeah, that’s what I assume the Blitz was like during WWII. I just leaned over the barrier, put my arms over my head to protect it, and prayed that I lived through it with all appendages intact. Hanson fans are a scary bunch.

-Zac, stepping up to the microphone somewhat tentatively and singing, “Need You Now.” I didn’t think the boy had it in him. There was such intensity. His passion for the song, and its subject, sweated off of him. Who knew? I certainly didn’t. He’s only eighteen!

-Isaac, at the end of the concert, moving to the front of the stage and handing Alena a guitar pick. Somehow it dropped and he shrugged his shoulders as if to say, “sorry.” After a few ten moments we located the pick and dove to retrieve it. The girl next to us went to grab it but I damn near elbowed her out of the way for it. He meant to give that pick to Alena. No one else was going to get it. Haha.

Too soon the concert ended and we had to head for the exit. The usual mob scene ensued but we made it through. I think Laura had the best quote with “it’s like we were at war.” It did, indeed, feel like war. All of us limped out of the theatre.

We ate at a small bar/restaurant next to the theatre. It was great to have personal space again. We traded stories about the evening and interesting moments. Isaac’s shirt had a rip in it but we didn’t know if it had ripped before the concert or, in one of his pseudo-intense rock star-wannabe moments, he ripped it during the show. Chatting and gossiping with the girls felt good. We all talked about post-college life and the perils of life along with dissecting every moment of the concert over and over. I forgot how much fun a night out is. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.

Toward the end of dinner, we noticed the tour bus drive by. It stopped across the street and backed up a bit. We noticed it and went back to our gossip session. Standing on the curb, we debated crossing the street to find out what was going on with the tour bus. It was hard not to notice: huge bus, out on the street on a Sunday night in the middle of Portland with its flashers on, waiting.

We walked by the bus. From behind me I heard someone say, “We have to go back. Isaac’s in that bar.” Some debate followed as to whether or not to go in. I voted not to go in but I was overruled. We showed our IDs and slid into a booth. Isaac stood by the bar with drink in hand with a size zero brunette at his side. We sat in the booth, trying hard not to look fan-ish and probably failing miserably. The waitress took our drink order and made some joke about a Hanson being in the bar. My side of the booth faced the opposite direction so I couldn’t see what Isaac did but rather, relied on Alena, Amanda, and Stef to relay what he was up to.

We tracked down the waitress and had her send over a shot of bourbon.  Isaac stood over by the door with a booth full of girls from the concert. He bought them a round of shots also. For a while we thought he was going to ignore us and I thought that was crazy. At least come over and acknowledge. As the minutes ticked by, the more anxious and annoyed we got. I mean, come on, at least say thank you. Grr.

I blathered on about something when behind me I heard his unmistakable voice. “Was that you guys?” He came over to thank us for the shot. Suddenly, Isaac Hanson was standing next to me. I didn’t know what to do. That has never happened before. It was so random and so amazing at the same time. Of course, my unnecessarily LOUD VOICE came back. “WAS IT (the shot) WHAT YOU WANTED?” Poor kid. He was totally thinking, “Oh, it’s her again.” And then silence. All that crap about wanting to talk to him and complaining that he didn’t come over and we couldn’t think of a damn thing to say to him. He stood there awkwardly for a few seconds and finally said, “I’m glad you guys liked the show” blah, blah. And left. Oh man. I have thought of eighty million things I could have said since then but oh well. It was damn funny anyway.

The waitress gave us the heads-up a few minutes later. I guess the brunette attached herself to him when he came in the door. She had, apparently, turned 21 a few days before, hence the round of shots for her and her friends. When the waitress came over with the shot we got him, the girls at the booth freaked out. They felt threatened, I guess. Thought we were trying to steal him. “I can’t believe they did that.” “That’s so wrong.” “Give me the shot. I’ll do it right in front of them,” etc. The waitress said, “I don’t think there’s anything to it. I don’t even think they want him to go over there.” The waitress said that he seemed a bit hurt by that. You know, “What? They don’t want me to go over?” Anyway, the girls kept freaking out, or so the waitress told us, and Isaac said, “You need not concern yourself with things that have nothing to do with you.”  He came over then. Hehehe. The waitress was hysterical about it too. She was not a fan of the drunken booth girls. She made fun of them to us and gossiped. I loved it.

Isaac ended up leaving a bit later. The booth girls left after that but not before the brunette attempted to walk to the bathroom. She was pretty far gone at that point and bumped into just about every thing between her booth and the bathroom. Oh man. We, and the waitress, had good times mocking the drunk girl.

There was an awkward moment in the bar also when the theatre manager tried to pick us up too but that’s not interesting. He seemed nice but turned out kind of sleazy.

I loved the whole day. Reconnecting with old friends, making new ones. Good music. Lots of laughs. So fun.

[Home] [Email me]