Fashion: Joan Rivers' style
"Honey, do you even know what Woodstock is? Were your *parents* old enough to be there??"
"Honey, we hang curtains. We do not wear curtains!"
"Leather in shoes and coats, yes. Leather pants, a no-no"
"Unless you're Hercules it's just not gonna work honey"
"A muscle tee should only be worn if have actual muscles to fill it out."
"Taylor! What were you thinking? Tammy Faye Baker doesn't wear that much jewelry!"
"I can understand your love of primary colors but please, you're blinding me."
"Isaac, I'm confiscating your blow dryer."
"HONEY! NO!! Orange leather is against the law in New York City"
"Zac, our shoes MATCH the rest of our outfits. You are no exception."
"I don't know how they do it in Oklahoma but here in New York there is no, and I repeat no need for orange leather."
"Unless, of course, you're in the Village."
"I know it's not widely known but we do have stop lights and stop signs; we do not need to look like a crossing guard."
"Honey, this is the 90's, there are products out there for frizzy hair. We do not need to be ashamed of our curls anymore. Natural is in."
"Be kind to your hair. What did it ever do to you? Don't you take your voice mails anymore. I left you a message."
"And speaking of hair, it DOES need to be trimmed every now and then, ZAC."
"Zac, honey, yellow is not our friend. It's evil. Say it with me now, yellow is evil."
"And pleather just doesn't belong on a 13-year-old boy."
"Does your mama know you dress like that?"
"And Isaac, there IS such a thing as TOO MUCH earth tones. You don't want to blend in with the background."
"Worse yet, did she dress you like that?"
"Taylor, it is hip for girls to wear guys' clothing. HOWEVER, it is NOT okay for guys to wear girls' clothing."
"Honey, I've seen the tapes of your concerts. I need you to understand that even though you are a rock singer, you do not need to act like one. Jumping from the drum kit is not an acceptable way to behave. It makes you look crude and base. A simple male grunt or perhaps even a peace sign would be sufficient. No jumping in the air, Taylor, either. I've seen you do it and it's not pretty. We're going to lose you one day. The floor boards can't take that much pressure."
::Joan looks quizzically:: "Doesn't it hurt to have that much silver on your neck? Can you bounce radio signals off that much metal? Do you set off metal detectors in airports?"
"Why do you wear so much black? Have you been taking tips from Marilyn Manson?"
"We should not be able to see our reflection in your pants."
"Why do you wear so much black? Are you in mourning for someone?"
"I have three words for you boys, 'Simplify, simplify, simplify'"
"Meet the sneaker boys. It's okay to wear them. All teenagers do."
"Hehe....Nike is our friend."
"Denim is your friend."
"Have you not heard of Tommy Hilfiger?"
"Delia's is a GIRL'S catalogue."
"Boys, now, I know you're from Tulsa and that's a warm state but please, when you're in L.A. or the Caribbean could you please wear shorts? Just looking at you, I get a hot flash. Shorts are good. I know you have some issues with so-called chicken legs but it's okay. Not everyone is perfect. Tom Cruise had chicken legs once, too."
"And what is this about no girlfriends? I know we've had some fashion issues in the past but any well-bred American girl will beat good fashion sense into you anyway."
"And Zac, I've heard a horrible rumor and you and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, please tell me it's not true."
"Taylor, please, the rumors about you and LeAnn Rimes are fake right? You really aren't dating that straw-chewing, blond in a bottle, chunky, country hick, are you?"
::Joan leans in close:: "Taylor, honey, the Pilgrims landed in America in 1620. Their shoes went out of style around 1820 or so. Give it up and get some Reeboks."
"Boys, there is no need to be wearing shoes with lifts in them. You are tall enough already. Lifts only make you look feminine."
"Boys, you're no 'Baywatch' hunks. Lay off the tight shirts."
"Taylor, honey, the long tights shirts have got to go. I saw footage from Taiwan and it wasn't pretty! You looked...frankly, honey, you looked anorexic." :::Joan hands him some twinkies::: "Eat two of these twice a day, and call when you've filled out."
"You've had enough. You're brother is starving. Sally Struthers is going to be calling soon."
"Taylor, dear, it seems one leg is more muscular than the other. Stop stamping the right one so much."
"Isaac, you're not so chunky yourself though I am worried about your obsession with broccoli. It scares me."
"Isaac, sweetie, Puff Daddy just isn't 'in' anymore. Give it a rest."
"Boys, now I know you like Wendy's and McDonald's but would it kill you to eat a vegetable or two? Granted, you may not want to go overboard with the green veggies like Isaac but honestly...."
"Taylor, you do not need to wear every shirt a fan gives you. Just because she's a fan of yours does not mean she's equipped with the genius fashion sense that I have."
"And you need to stop hanging out with older women who wear shirts tighter than yours. To be seen with Pamela Lee is just poor taste."
"I know she tried to get her credibility back with taking the plastic out but she's just too far gone now. The peroxide has sucked her brains out."
"Isaac, please stay out of Mr. Roger's closet!"
"I'm not even going to comment on your ABC special! I like to think that those Christmas outfits were a joke. I honestly do but there have been rumors. I'm an old woman, boys, you're killing me."
"Taylor what size shoe are you? I know men have big feet but, sweetie, when Bozo starts calling for fashion tips, it's bad."
"Taylor, honey, I know Steven Tyler is someone you admire, but you just can't pull off his look." ::Joan takes Taylor's hand:: "He's just....more flamboyant than you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You're a nice boy...you can't just pull it off. He's a special man."
"Boys, you are celebrities now. You can not roll out of bed and show up at the MTV Movie Awards in you pajamas."
"Velour! NO! There's nothing more to say."
"Do you honestly want to influence a nation with your orange leather pants and your yellow shoes and your WAY too many necklaces? Role models, boys, you are role models."
"Stick with cotton and denim. It's simple, it's....dare I say it? Sexy."
"Isaac, are you camera shy? Why is it that in all pictures we only get to see half your face?"
"Boys, you are three individuals. So, please, do not make anymore posters where you try to color coordinate yourselves."
"Zac, honey, the Grammys may not be the Academy Awards but I still think they deserve more than an old sweater and a pair of cargo pants."
"Perhaps a comb or a brush through your hair, maybe. Or am I asking too much?"
"You cannot color coordinate, don't try it. It only makes you look....::pause:: like a boy band....I know I didn't want to say it either but it had to be said."
"Granted you're not Oscar contenders, but mouthing your brothers' lines, Taylor, has to stop. Even Milli Vanilli knew when to quit."
"Isaac, honey, stop and think before you speak. You have your foot in your mouth more than you have food in your mouth. Think before you speak. Remember, less is more."
"And those tuxes? What was with those tuxes? 'Welcome Back, Kotter' has been off the air for twenty years now."
"Taylor, a leather suit? How many cows had to die for you to pull that off? Bessie lost half her herd because you wanted to look like a rock star."
"Taylor, you are not five. Do not stick your tongue out at the camera."
"Zac, who dressed you for the 'Where's the Love' video? We could have fit five of you in that orange T-shirt."
"Zac, orange button-down shirts SHOULD NOT be worn under black sweaters."
"Boys, even *I* wouldn't appear on 'Melrose Place.' WHAT were you thinking?"
"Wasn't you appearing on Melrose Place illegal in some states??"
"Buddy Faro? Who the Hell thought that was good publicity?"
"Zac, outfits like that are only a good thought on Oct. 31st and even then it's a stretch"
"Did you boys have traumatic cow experiences as children? No? Then why do
wear so much leather?"
"Zac, we know that you are not a sanitation worker for any major metropolis, so please leave the jumpsuits to the sewer men who really need them."
"and please, sweetie, leave the landscapes on the walls of the hotel rooms? Stop wearing them as shirts... "
"and Imelda Marcos has fewer shoes!"
::Joan whispers:: "Taylor baby, I'll pay 10,000 for that hair.. it would make me an amazing wig.."
"Taylor, dear, be a gentleman and close your legs."
"Isaac, honey, I know that Taylor is attractive, but you really should give the *girls* a chance to monopolize him.. after all, they traveled all this way to see you live.."
"Boys, we really don't care what sound Zoo makes when she poops."
"Zac, please keep your feet out of the furniture. You shouldn't do that in your home, let alone on national television."
"Your little sister really needs a make-over you know, boys. She must be what.. ten? By that age I had already had my first three plastic surgeries!"
"And Zac, if you'd like to quell those rumours about your gender preference, might I suggest not saying 'I love you man'?"
"Taylor, I think you need a new math tutor. When Ike is 32, Zoe will be 15, NOT 5."
"Ike, we really don't give a damn what 'MMMBop' means."
"Zachary, celebrities don't slouch. So the next time the mic is to low, just raise it, dear."