Chapter 31 Chapter 32

Hanson Through My Eyes

Chapter 30

On a random Tuesday in October, I received a dozen purple roses at my front door. Actually, correction-My mother received a dozen purple roses at the front door. They were sitting on my dining room table when I got home, the name Samantha Dervan written in careful cursive lettering. The card that stood out in the bouquet of beautiful flowers jumped out at me. I dropped my schoolbag that was slung over my right shoulder to the floor and reached for the card. It was a tacky Teleflora card, ordinary in every way but the hand written words that made the card stand out from any other in the world, "I Miss You, Isaac" Without even realizing it I stopped breathing for a few moments. When I shook my head and brought myself out of my trance-like state I was sitting on the floor with the card in my hand. I couldn’t tell if it was Isaac’s handwriting or not but I flipped the envelope to the card over and read Rosetta’s Flowers 3 Center Plaza, Boston. They must have written the card themselves if the order was phoned in from out of state.

I sprinted out of the kitchen and up the stairs to my room. I had mastered the great art of climbing the stairs three at a time from my brothers. I crossed the threshold to my room and vaulted onto my bed. I sat there for over an hour before I blinked back to reality and picked up the phone. Of course, you all know who the first person I called was, right? Liz. A girl cannot jump into situations such as love without equipping herself with all the knowledge she can find. And only a best friend could help her become better equipped. The Navy Seals and James Bond have nothing on two best friends equipping themselves and readying themselves for the battles of commitment and love. Liz and I had become much closer after Essa’s death and grew from the grief we shared. We talked on the phone for a solid three hours, talking about what I should say, how I should say it. At least I didn’t have to face him or then we’d have to get into the whole discussion of what to wear and that just takes forever

The flowers were gorgeous. I sat on my bed and stared at them for a good half an hour. He remembered that my favorite flower was a purple rose. There were thirteen roses and I couldn't help but wonder if the florist couldn’t count or if Isaac just planned to give me thirteen. My mind wandered through pretty much everything that happened throughout the summer. My mind crawled back to the first time I met the family in the airport. I had no idea that I would be brought on such a journey. I laughed to myself when I thought of how strange they looked. They look like miniature versions of themselves. The hair color might be a bit different but they all look alike. If they sat down in a row it would look very much like Julie Andrews and her singing troupe of munchkins in The Sound of Music.

My mind wandered through the movie musical and I laughed at the thought of Taylor or Isaac in German suspenders; it didn’t quite look right. I couldn’t see Mrs. Hanson singing away at the sewing machine either somehow I think Candace would have a coronary if she found the boys in drapery. I wonder if some of the outfits she’s picked were drapes though? I wouldn’t be surprised, Candace goes for weird clothing. It felt good to reminisce for a bit. I had thrown myself into schoolwork in an effort to get my mind off the family. I was receiving wonderful grades and I could tell you anything you needed to know about the governmental system of any European country, but if you asked me anything that involved music or a social life I was stumped. I didn’t turn on the radio in the car for fear of a song coming on and I didn’t watch MTV for fear of their videos. I was pathetic, yes but that was my survival plan. Block it out and you won’t think about it. My eyes started involuntarily watering and I rolled over on my bed to face the wall. I hid my face in my pillow and cried myself into a fitful nap.

The front doorbell rang and of course the dog started flipping out. "Knock it off, Schultzie." I grabbed for the handle while giving the dog the evil eye. I turned my head to see who was at the door and Louis was standing on the front porch.

"Louis!! What are you doing here?" The jacket he had on was definitely not heavy enough and he was shivering underneath it. He turned around and raised his arm in a ‘come on’ motion. The sliding door of a large SUV vehicle opened and out jumped one blond head, followed by another and yet another. By the time Mackenzie jumped to the curb it looked like they were their own army. I walked to the edge of the porch and raised one eyebrow in question. Of course, Mr. Hanson couldn’t help but tease me, "Sami, you keep doing that and your face is going to freeze that way."

"You think you’re funny, don’t you?"

"I know I am." So I did the mature thing. I stuck my tongue out at him.

The welcomes ensued and we moved into the house. ‘We needed to see friends’ was the only reason they gave as to why they came. Louis wasn’t much help either, he only told me not to question it. The family took up most of my living room and I couldn’t help but notice that Mrs. Hanson walked a bit slower and wasn’t as spirited as she normally was. Avery sat on my legs as I was sitting cross-legged on the floor leaning against the wall. The family has a way of taking up a room to themselves by sheer numbers they can fill a room to capacity.

"So, how is school going for you? Your mother said that you have a shot at President’s honors."

Ahh yes the ever-impressive bragging ability of my mother. "Yeah, there’s a possibility. The only thing that might keep me off is Spanish. Senorita McDonald needs to get a clue. She bounces around the room with a sombrero on her head conjugating verb forms."

Jessica laughed, "I’m sure she doesn’t bounce."

I looked her, "No. No, I wish I was exaggerating but she actually does bounce. She’s not a small woman either we have bets going as to when the floor boards are going to give out."

Even though Mrs. Hanson was laughing she had to reprimand, "Sam, you’re terrible. I’m sure she’s a nice woman." I rolled my eyes.

Avery whispered that she had to visit the ladies’ room so I pointed up the stairs where to go. She tentatively glanced up the stairs. "Sorry, I forget." I walked to the bottom of the stairs at yelled at the dog, "Schultzie. Get down here." Schultzie is part Great Dane/part English something or other. He’s a big baby but to a seven-year-old I'm sure he’s scary. He likes to sit at the top of the stairs and glare at guests. I excused myself to let him out to the backyard.

I sat back down on the floor to join the conversation. "How is everything going? Liz tells me that you’ve been running yourselves ragged."

"Yeah, we’ve been doing radio promos forever." Zac rolled his eyes for the extra effect.

"The CD comes out, what, November 12th?" I threw the question out to all of them.

Taylor answered, "Something like that. We just want it to get there so we can breathe easy."

They were cheery and excited but I knew that behind those innocent eyes were very tired minds. Zac is the easiest to spot, he wears his exhaustion all over his face. He gets huge black circles under his eyes and looks like a panda bear.

We were talking when I saw Mrs. Hanson’s head start moving around the room. I could see her lips moving a bit while she took a mental headcount of all the children, "Avery" She had been up in the bathroom for over twenty minutes.

I started up the stairs two at a time and jogged down the hall. I slipped on the rug and almost missed the bathroom entirely. Backtracking, I saw that the door was open but no one was in there. I started back down the hall and peeked into my brothers’ room, my parents’ room and mine. Avery was sleeping away curled up in a ball on my bed. I quietly closed my door and headed back down the stairs. Mrs. Hanson had moved to the bottom of the stairs and was visibly relieved when I told her where her daughter was. The contentment didn’t last long though, "She knows better than to go snooping in other people’s houses. We’re going to have to have a talk when she gets up."

"It’s okay. I’m sure she didn’t even think of it. You guys all look really tired."

Mrs. Hanson turned around and motioned me into our front room. She looked behind her, a bit difficult when you’re almost seven months pregnant. "We are tired. The boys have been getting restless lately. Zac is getting better but Isaac and Taylor are now becoming more depressed. It’s harder to get them out of bed in the morning. I know they love doing this but it’s taking a toll on their bodies. They’re not eating what they should and definitely not getting enough sleep. Sami," Mrs. Hanson looked up at me, "I’m getting worried." She barely got the words out and I was ready to send them up to bed with chicken noodle soup.

My immediate concerns were the younger children, "Are they okay? Have they been sleeping?" Mrs. Hanson smiled, "Yes, they have. I’m less worried about them than I am about the boys. The girls and Mackenzie I can deal with because no one tries to tell "help" me with them." I could tell that she wanted to say something but she kept back. I didn’t want to push so I asked about the boys. "Yes. They are okay but I am just waiting for one of them to come down with the flu. They meet so many people and shake so many hands that I am sure they are going to catch something." Her hands started going and she was off, "Some girl coughed right in her hand just as Taylor was about to shake it. He didn’t see but yuck, the reaction on his face when he realized her hand was clammy." She shook her head, "Who raises children to be so impolite? If one of my children did that…." She went on for a good few minutes before Louis called us back into the living room. He leaned over to me and whispered, "Your parents are home."

This could get interesting. They did offer our house to the family whenever they needed it but I don’t think they ever thought the family was going to actually take them up on the offer. My parents tried their best to not look shocked when they came into the living room. "Uh…hi. How are you…all?"

"Mom, they were just staying for a bit. Avery is asleep on my bed and we were all just talking." It’s not that my parents don’t like the Hansons, they just don’t really have much in common with them. My mother looks at Mrs. Hanson as if she were some strange alien for wanting to home-school her children. She would never tell her this but she mentioned to me that it just seemed ‘odd.’ My dad is better. He gets along with Mr. Hanson, not that they have a lot to chat about but they’re friendly.

My mother asked if anyone wanted anything to drink, someone mentioned cocoa so of course, they all wanted cocoa. My mother turned to me and the smile on her face faltered a bit, "Do we have enough mugs for all of them?" You’ve gotta love Mom. When we got into the kitchen the twenty questions started.

"Honest, I don’t really know why they’re here. I think they cut a few days out of their schedule. I was talking to Mrs. Hanson when you came in. She is worried about them because they’re so tired."

My mother was putting the teakettle on the stove, "Did you notice how big she’s getting? She’s got to be close to term by now." She stopped for a moment to think, "God, if I was pregnant at her age I would have slit my wrists-"

"Mom! I can’t believe you just said that. " My mother just didn’t really understand how Mrs. Hanson has such patience. Sometimes I feel I have to be a buffer between the two women. The few times they had met each other it was difficult but standing in my kitchen was torture. There was nowhere to go and it looked like the family was staying for at least the evening. "Mom, please, be nice. I don’t know why they’re here but I’m sure it’s important or they wouldn’t come." My mother was not pleased but she made a motion of retreat. We finally finished with the cocoa and I excused myself with a cup and a few cookies. I climbed the stairs quietly and slipped into my room without too much noise. Avery was still asleep so I let her be for a few moments. I had only slipper socks on so I was quiet on the old, creaky floorboards. I sat down on my carpet and watched her sleep. I couldn’t help but wonder what had made them run from the thing that they all seemed to want so badly. I know the guys love music more than anything but I also know that they value their privacy and their ability to go unnoticed in public. What had changed in a month since I last saw them? I stared at Avery and couldn’t help but sympathize with her. They had only been to Tulsa once after they got back from England and it was obvious they were overtired. Most likely, for their own beds and home. My eyes wandered around my room and I wondered if she envied my room, if she envied my anonymity. When we were in Sydney and someone mentioned how they wanted a snack I was the only one who could leave the hotel because everyone else was being closely followed. I left through the back entrance with one of the waitresses and went into a small store looking for chips or something. The children wanted nothing more than to just leave the hotel. Just go out and not have to worry about being followed or watched. They’re not looking for too much but I think privacy is something they deserve.

Avery stirred on my bed and I nudged her. "Come on, Ave, this is getting cold."

Her sleepy eyes opened a bit but her head never left the pillow, "Where is everyone?"

"They’re all downstairs watching movies and stuff. You’re welcome to stay up here if you’d like. We made cocoa for everyone and I brought some up to you." Avery wasn’t looking at the mug though, her eyes were fixated on the jelly cookies that were on my dresser. I followed her eyes and smiled, "I brought those up for you too. You may have them." I didn’t even have to say anything, her arm was outstretched and back under the blanket before I even finished the sentence. She rolled over and faced me where I was sitting on the side of the bed. "These taste like homemade."

"They are homemade, silly." I did have to go baby-sitter on her a bit though, "Sit up. I don’t want you choking in my house." She groaned a bit but sat up to eat. She was fascinated at the cookie itself though, "What is this?"

"Jelly"

She wasn’t amused. It’s amazing how fast a seven-year-old can shoot down an attempt at humor. "I know it’s jelly but it’s good. The cookies you get in bakeries have fake tasting jelly."

"That’s because it’s fresh. My grandmother used to make them. Even I can make them, Ave, they’re very easy. You just roll dough out and plop the jelly into it."

While we were discussing the various types of jellies and jams, it was a bit too quiet downstairs. When Avery and I finally finished our bonding time and joined the rest of the kids in the living room. I followed the adults’ voices and walked into the kitchen. My parents, Mr. and Mrs. Hanson, Louis, Susan and Jason were all chatting amongst themselves. I heard them discussing what everyone wanted for dinner and a few other essential topics.

As always the boys were fighting over the clicker and arguing over what they were going to watch. I broke up the fight by pulling rank on them, "My house. My clicker. Hand it over." I fought the urge to take the seat next to Isaac on the couch. The couch wasn’t meant for so many people to sit on so I opted for the floor. Taylor was sitting on the arm of one of the chairs in the room and moved to sit next to me on the floor. "Want some company?"

He’s a sweetie. "I thought you’d never ask." I remembered the over-sized pillows we had and grabbed a few out of the closet. I plopped them on the floor in front of the television and Avery and Mackenzie laid their heads down on one of them. Taylor and I were leaning against the wall, sitting on our respective cushions.

And so began our night of rediscovering the joy of Disney movies. Our first adventure was Beauty and the Beast.

I kept stealing glances at Isaac, hoping he’d want to talk about the flowers. My father motioned for me to come into the kitchen and asked what I thought would be best for dinner. I looked around the kitchen and counted heads, with my parents, Mr. and Mrs. H, Louis, Jason and Susan plus the kids that was way too many to cook something. My brother Joshua was staying at a friend’s house because he was studying for his PSAT’s so we at least didn’t have that mouth to feed. We took an informal poll on whether pizza or Chinese would be better. Of course, we were split right down the middle but with my mother raving about the Chinese restaurant down the street, Mr. and Mrs. Hanson decided for the family. We broke out the take-out menu and started down the list. The poor cashier at the Chinese restaurant had to flip the page of her memo book twice before we were finished giving her our order. Mom cleared off the table and started to set it. She put out the glass plates but then put a few back and got the plastic ones. The children were allowed to eat in the living room but had to keep their drinks in the dining room. The adults grabbed various chairs and sat around chatting while the rest of us watched movies. Avery had come over when I stretched my legs out and curled up between Taylor and I. Avery got this devilish grin on her face and said, "Tay, did you know that Sam has your picture on her mirror in her room." My eyes narrowed, "Snoop! I have your picture there too. I have bunches of pictures in my room." I avoided looking at Taylor but noticed that Isaac had turned to look at us. I saw that he was getting up with his empty plate and rushed to stand up and get a few minutes alone with him. I followed him into the kitchen and casually asked him how he was doing. "I’m okay." He stretched and yawned as he spoke, "Tired but otherwise okay. How are things here?" I leaned back against the counter and thought about it, "Okay. School is going well." I smiled a bit, "Lonely though. I miss all the noise you all make."

He returned the smile, "Aww…we miss you too. Susan just doesn’t have the same schizophrenic quality that you have."

He was definitely stressed, anyone looking at the family could see that. His eyes looked so sunken and tired. "Isaac? What can I do to help?"

"Wanna take a walk? Sometimes just getting out helps me."

A small smile, "Yeah, do you mind?" I grabbed my coat and handed my brother’s sweatshirt to Isaac. "Are you kidding? I love being outside for long walks. You should know that from my frequent late night excursions." Another one of those smiles. How I missed those smiles.

Zac came around the corner, "Are you going out? Can I com-?" In unison, Isaac and I answered, a bit too eagerly, "No!"

Outside on the street I waited for Isaac to talk first. We made it to the corner of 5th and South Main when he started talking. His shoulders sagged and he just started blurting words out, "I’m so tired. I just want to sleep. I don’t want anymore hotel food or take-out." I wasn’t sure I should take offense to that but he was already onto another subject, "Avery and Jessica are arguing constantly and our tempers are flaring." He stopped walking and put his hands in his pockets, "Susan tries to keep us occupied but the plane rides and the down time is just too much. When we’re needed they rush us around like you wouldn’t believe but when we’re done they drop us like we’re yesterday’s news. The Deejays are getting more and more vulgar too. They ask questions that I really don’t want to answer and make us feel guilty for not answering." He straight at me and it was shocking to see him so frazzled. Isaac was always so calm but now he looked horrible. The circles under his eyes were more prominent and more defined. I sat him down on the sidewalk and quietly slipped my hand into his. I stayed silent and waited for him to talk again. It took a few minutes but he started again in a softer tone, "I know we have obligations. No one knows that more than we do but it’s killing us. Our dream is slowly killing us, Sam." I thought that was a bit drastic but kept my opinion to myself. "It’s just that the fans want so much from us. We go to a radio station and we get mobbed and clawed at just trying to get in the door." He shook his head and pulled his knees up to his chin. His mood changed again. Now he was becoming agitated. He stood up quickly and kicked at a piece of concrete, "Oh I just get so annoyed!!"

"Hun, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I can do. The girls could stay here if your parents would allow that but I doubt that." I shrugged my shoulders a bit, "You’re welcome to stay here whenever you need it. Even if you just need to get away from it all for a few days. You are welcome anytime." Jason had started walking toward us and we took that as our signal that there was trouble. We hurried back to the house and saw that my neighbors were trying to be subtle in their eavesdropping.

Inside my mother was trying her best not to pull her hair out. Her youngest was already 15 and no grandchildren yet. Mackenzie just blew her mind. She thought he was the smartest child she’d ever met. He was a hellion, but my mother loved it.

"Honey, do you want some milk?" She leaned down to where he was sitting on one the couch.

"Yes, please. Thank you." My mother’s heart melted. She walked back into the kitchen, "Not that I’m rushing grandchildren any time soon but he is just adorable." She eyed me closely. I knew that look, it was Don’t even think about getting pregnant anytime soon. Not that I had any reason to but my mother is paranoid.

My mother handed Mackenzie a cup of milk-skim milk. He gallantly and politely gave the plastic cup back to his mother and whispered something in her ear. Mrs. Hanson sniffed the milk and took a sip of it. She laughed and turned to dump the milk down the drain. She turned to my mother, "Leah, Mackenzie’s not used to skim milk. Do you have anything else?"

My mother gave him a taste of 2% and that seemed to satisfy him. He walked back to watch movies with the rest of the Hanson brood while Isaac, my parents, the other adults and myself were in the kitchen. The conversation was getting stale so I went back to watching movies in the living room. After 9:30 or so Mr. Hanson came in and told everyone to get their stuff together because they needed to get going.

I signaled to Isaac to follow me into the kitchen. "I just wanted to thank you for the flowers."

He looked at me and moved his head slightly for a second. Even before he said the words I knew I had made a huge mistake. I just wanted to hide.

To deepen the hurt he added, "Why would I send you flowers?" If there was any way I could have crawled under the floorboards I would have.

I tried to brush it off, "Oh weird, must have been a joke." I smiled but behind it my heart was heavy. My mind was reeling with the possibilities. I wouldn't put it past Eric to pull a stunt like this.

Isaac looked confused, "Did they sign my name?"

"Yeah." I laughed and tried to make sweeping gestures with my hands to hide the hurt, "Probably just a joke from Liz or something. Eric probably did it."

Taylor came bounding into the room, "Your mom mentioned the flowers. Weren't they cool?"

We both turned on him. "You sent them?"

Isaac was annoyed, "Why did you sign my name then?" Taylor blanched, his joke didn't go as well as he had hoped, "I just thought it would have been funny."

I smiled that fake Mrs. Brady 70's 'I don't want to be here' smile, "Taylor they were beautiful flowers none-the-less."

Standing in my room minutes later was tough. The echo of Isaac’s words was resonating off the walls of my brain. Why would I send you flowers?

I tried to block the sound out but my mind was focusing on the negative words.

A knock on my door brought me back. Isaac was standing with jacket on and a sad grin on his face, "We’re heading out. I just wanted to say goodbye."

I smiled, "Thanks for coming by. It was great to see you. I hope you get some rest and you’ll be fine." My eyes started to fill with tears when my mind replayed the words one more time. I smiled again even though my heart was breaking in half.

Those brown eyes saddened, "What’s wrong?"

"Nothing really. I just hate good-byes." He walked over and put an arm around my shoulder.

I sniffled a bit. He pulled back, "Okay I know you Sam, what’s up? Good-byes don’t put you in this bad of a mood."

I pushed my hair back behind my ear and quietly said, "You said you’d never write anything like that."

"Oh Sam! I’m sorry." He sighed, "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to come out like that. If I could I’d write you letters all the time but you just take all the words out of my head." He shrugged his shoulders but pulled me into a hug.

Curled up against his chest I felt safe. The impact of his words was working its way into my mind. My old embarrassment gone I went for it. Looking up into his eyes I asked, "Do you like me?"

"Of course I like you." He smiled and laughed as if I were asking if two plus two equals four.

My eyes grew dark as I asked the question again, "No Isaac, do you like me?"

Suddenly those joyous brown eyes turned into the deer in headlights look of a caged animal. After long moments of studdering followed by longer moments of silence. He tightened his grip on my shoulder and rested his chin on my head. Sighing inwardly and fighting his own emotions he breathed out his answer. "Yes Sami I do like you." Several moments of silence passed as I breathed for what felt like the first time in my life. I opened my mouth to say something when I heard. "Very much." He kissed the top of my head and squeezed me a little tighter.

We were deep in silent conversation when Susan yelled up the stairs, "Isaac, we've got to go. The plane leaves soon." He turned his head toward the doorway, "I'll be right down. Give me a minute."

"Sam, are you that nervous?"

I looked up with raised eyebrows, "No! What do I have to be nervous about?"

"I don’t know but you look like you’re about to start squirming in a second. Would you sit still and stop fidgeting!" He was introspective for a moment, "Sam, how come it took us so long to get here?"

"You’re male. Your brain doesn’t function as fast as mine. I’ve known this is what I want for a long time. I’ve just been waiting for you to catch up." I smiled.

Isaac sighed, "I bet I knew before you did." He paused for a minute and when I didn’t say anything he continued, "I knew about thirty seconds after you introduced yourself to me."

I was shocked, "No you did not." I blushed a bit, feeling self-conscious. "You’re lying."

He looked right into my eyes, "No Sam, I’m not." His eyes were piercing right into me, "You didn’t know us yet you came right up and talked to us. We didn’t intimidate you even though we had guards all around us and people were screaming. You walked right up and laughed with us. If we were just any other family on vacation you would have talked to us too. I’ve never met anyone like you, Sam, you’re brave enough to survive living the way we do and can do it with a great sense of humor. We need that. I need that. I know you are here because you like me and not because I’m-" He used his hands to make quotes in the air, "‘Isaac Hanson.’ I love that."

I could hear Susan moving around downstairs making sure that everything was in order and I was praying that she didn’t break our moment.

I wanted him to just keep talking. I guess I’m selfish like that, I want to hear all about me. Looking over my shoulder I heard a very small voice. "When did you know?"

I had to think about it, really. I honestly didn’t have an exact time that I could give him, "Well, I hope this doesn’t disappoint you with this but we didn’t have the same flash of realization." I shook my head a bit, "I can’t tell you because I don’t know. I just knew one day that you were someone that I wanted to grow old with." I started gesturing with my hands a bit, which is a horrible habit of mine, I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to say without feeling foolish, "To me being in love with someone means you care more about them than you do about yourself. I love my family and would do anything for them. I love your family and would do anything for them but with you it’s a bit different. I don’t want to get too mushy on you but I guess it’s just that I’d do anything you asked me to." I shrugged my shoulders to play off my embarrassment.

The question that was on both our minds was spoken finally. "So what now?"

I scrunched up my face and sighed, "I have no idea. I really don’t. I’d like to think that we can stay just friends but I don’t see that happening. I don’t know how comfortable your family will be with us dating either. It’s going to be a bit awkward don’t you think?"

~*~*~

I reached for the phone while I was conjugating verbs for my Intermediate Spanish class.

"Hello?" I heard a breath on the phone and then a click. I was home alone, up in my room so I was taken aback for a few seconds. Studying was out because all I could think of was whether or not I locked the front door. I grabbed my slippers and headed for the stairs. My car keys were sitting on small table at the doorway and I grabbed them. In our high school we were required to take a short self-defense class. We learned simple techniques to protect ourselves; one being how to hold our keys offensively. I arranged the keys in the offensive position and headed for the front door. I checked the lock and made sure the bolt was secure. I turned to run up the stairs but Rajah came out of the darkness to cut in front of me and scared the living daylights out of me. After many colourful retorts, I was back in my room studying. The phone rang again and I debated on whether or not to answer. After the fourth ring, I picked it up and gave a careful hello. This time I heard a, "ah…" before the voice on the other end hung up. This was scaring me more and more. It was dark and I was home alone; I thought of driving to my cousin’s house just for company but I knew I wouldn’t get my studying done there.

Again the phone rang, "Hello?!"

No reply

"Please, stop this you’re scaring me!" I slammed the phone down and ran for the door. The phone rang again but I didn’t bother answering it.

I spent the night at my cousin’s explaining that some wacko was calling me and that no one was home. I called my parents when I got there and left a message on the machine.

After classes the next day I went home and found a note on the kitchen table, "Check the answering machine." The light was blinking so I rewound the tape and listened. A few bill collectors and then Taylor’s voice, "Uh, Sam, this is Taylor. I’m sorry I scared you. It was me calling. Isaac came into the room so I didn’t want to talk to you while he was within hearing distance and the other time I just didn’t know what to say. I wanted to apologize. I’m sorry. I’ll call you later in the week."

Later that week when he called he apologized and we talked about the flowers and how sorry he was.

"I thought it would be funny." He yawned and sighed a bit.

"It would have been if I hadn't been studying for midterms. Sorry babe but things just aren't funny when you're living on two hours sleep."

Snickering, he added, "Tell me about it. I can relate."

"How's things? Where are you guys right now?" I had to stop myself from yawning along with him. School was killing me mentally and my sleep was suffering because I spent so much time studying.

"Uh...England. Yeah, we're here for another day or something." Another yawn, "Then it's off to Sweden for, like, a day. Then back to New York. Man, I so just want to go to bed."

"You sound like you're getting a cold." That tell-tale snuffy nose, wheezy, coughing hacking, I can't really breathe deeply flu was taking over.

Another yawn and a stretch to match, "Yeah, we're all getting kind of sick. Everyone around us is sick so we've just been waiting for it to happen."

"Hun, you're falling asleep on the phone. Get some sleep. We can talk later."

"No, I want to talk. I'm going out of my skull talking to Isaac and Zac. Not that I don't love my family but there's only so many times we can discuss the British monarchy and surrounding goverments." He laughed at his own joke.

"Taylor, I luv you and I'd love to stay on the phone chatting all night but it's four o'clock here which means it's almost 10 there. Sleep! Now!!" I raised my voice a bit, "Don't make me come over there and tuck you in." I am famous for my tucking style. I can usually make it so that you're trapped within your own blankets. It works well when Mackenzie has had one too many chocolate bars.

"Oh man Sami you have no idea how much I'd love to be tucked in." He sighed, "You never know how much you miss your childhood until it's gone."

I raised my eyebrows, "Well aren't we getting introspective all of a sudden. Taylor you just totally bummed me out."

"Yeah, me too actually." He laughed a little. "I am just so damn tired."

"Sweetie get some sleep. We can talk over the weekend. Please get some rest."

"Yes Mom."

"Is Isaac around? I wanted to say hello before I hung up."

"He is but he's in the next room. I'd have to get up and I just got comfortable under the covers."

"No, let it go. Just tell him that I'll talk to him at some point. Get some sleep."

~*~*~

"Hey Sam, Taylor told me you wanted to talk." A wide-awake Isaac called me at 8 o'clock on Saturday morning.

"Uh, Isaac? Hun? Can you call back? It's only 8 and my brain hasn't gotten up yet."

"Actually Sam it's now or never. We get on the plane for Sweden in about a half an hour and then I have no idea when I'll be able to get near a phone after that."

"Yeah, okay, give me a sec to wake up though. I really am not awake yet." I set the phone down on the rug and stretched to bring the vitality back into my lifeless body. I focused my eyes on the mirror and cringed. How the heck does my hair stand up on end like that?

 For Christmas, we all exchanged gifts through the mail. I sent a huge box with little gifts for the whole family. On Christmas Eve, a huge box arrived via UPS and I tore into it. The children had gotten me a pair of bright pink Doc Martens from England. During their time in England while they were recording we had gone into London to the Doc Martens store. I personally hate Doc Martens and think they’re ugly. Needless to say I was a minority. Zac took it as a personal slam that I refused to try the big clunky shoes on. I had to laugh, leave it to Zac to remember something like that. Not only that I don’t like the shoes but I also especially blanched at a pair of pink boots.

"Oh man! Look at those! Who would wear those things?" Avery was sitting next to me, laughing. "Maybe a ballerina who decides to ‘rough it’? I’m sure those would match perfectly with a nice pink tutu."

I thought Avery was going to fall off the bench she was laughing so hard. I can remember smiling at other patrons and begging her to stop giggling.

I snapped out of my memory euphoria and looked down at the bottom of the box. There was a large envelope with ‘For Sam’s Eyes Only’ written on it. I had to laugh; Isaac gets so anal about weird things. I sat down on the stairs and tore into the envelope. There was a videotape inside and a CD with it. I looked in again and I found a card. The card was basic, nothing special and I was too excited to see what was on the video to read it thoroughly. The family was starting to oh-so-subtly walk around to find out what I received for gifts. I put everything back into the envelope and brought it up to my room. Walking back down the stairs I noticed my mother already tearing into the box and nosing around.

"Mom! Nosy much?"

"Well you left it in the middle of the floor. I was just moving it into the corner." I rolled my eyes, leave it to my mother to try to fib her way out of it even though I caught her red handed.

I stuck my hand into the shipping ‘popcorn’ to find out if there was anything left in it. Nothing else so I let my mother take over and nose her way through it. I almost called over my shoulder, "It’s cleaned out." but I thought better of it.

Back in my room I opened the CD cover and found a letter. The CD was pretty basic. It was an import single from someone called Robbie Williams. The name didn’t ring any bells but I put the CD in as instructed in the letter. Did I mention that Isaac gets anal?

The soft lilting song that came over the speakers overtook me. I totally forgot about the letter that was dangling from my fingers until the last chord of the song was over. I shook myself back to reading the letter and couldn’t help the tears that formed in my eyes.

Sami,

I’m sorry that I can’t be there for Christmas but when we were in England this song was very big. We were sitting in the van, waiting in traffic when it came over the radio. I couldn’t help but think of you. So I have to ask the question, are you my angel?

"Do you contemplate my fate?" All I know is that you make me think of life outside of this bubble that we’ve created for ourselves. You are my unacknowledged angel.

"And through it all she offers me protection, a lot of love and affection…And down the waterfall wherever it may take me. I know that life won’t break me." I know that it can’t hurt me when I know that you’ll always be there for me. You’re getting us through this just by being with us. I love how even though you’ll never admit it you still travel and sleep with a stuffed animal.

"When I’m feeling weak and my pain walks down a one-way street I look above and know I’ll always be blessed with love." I just have to look at you. I know that even if we don’t work out as boyfriend/girlfriend, you’re still one of my best friends and I can always count on that. It gets tough sometimes but you always make us and me feel much better.

So this thing is completely repetitive but I just thought I’d tell you that this made me think of you. It’s not much but it’s what I thought. I luv you and I’ll talk to you when I can.

Isaac and I had laughed once about how people can like each other and love each other but there’s no real in-between. I came up with ‘luv’ it’s more powerful than like but not as powerful as love. I like a lot of people but I luv my best friends. I love my family but can’t really say I "love" him yet. That’s a huge step that I don’t know if I can make yet. So we settle for luv. We like it. It suits us.

After everyone had gone to bed I slipped downstairs to watch the video. I laid down on a pillow in front of the TV while the tape clicked on. In front of me, images of the summer flashed across the screen. I laughed as the image of Liz and I walking away from the group in London showed. Isaac and I laughing hysterically in the hotel room in London. Taylor and Zac looking devilish on the plane to Australia, the camera panned to show Jessica asleep against my arm with rolled-up tissues in her hair. The camera pans over to me whispering, "You two are evil. Knock it off." Quick editing over to Isaac pelting a man with a cricket ball. Camera pans to the girls and I trying to control our laughter while Mr. Hanson gives the camera to me and goes over to make sure Isaac didn’t kill the guy. There is a wonderful shot of the family and I walking through the zoo in Melbourne and of course Mr. Hanson had to get the shot of me walking into the lamppost. I shifted my weight on the pillow and noticed that the pillow was wet. I didn’t even notice that I was crying.

The video stopped and I took it out of the VCR. I grabbed onto the cellular phone as I walked back up to my room. I shut the door and climbed under the covers, clutching the phone and the video. My nose was getting cold but I wasn’t ready to go to sleep yet. Reaching into my pocketbook I looked for my address book. Because the phone numbers change so many times I have basically given the whole "H" section to the family. The most recent entry is one of the mobile phones the family has. I focused my eyes on my scribbled handwriting and fingered the corresponding numbers on the phone.

I pulled the comforter over my head in an attempt to find warmth.

Zac’s hurried greeting convinced me that the world was still awake, "Hello?"

"Hey Zac, it’s Sam. Is Isaac there?"

"Umm…yeah. Why do you sound so muffled?"

"I’m underneath my covers. It’s freezing here. We live in a ‘four season’ area, remember?" Zac and I had had mock arguments about which city was better: Boston or Tulsa. My ‘four season’ theory was a constant debate.

"Yeah but at least we’re not freezing. I think you ought to move to the Bahamas where it’s always warm."

"Unless there’s a hurricane and then the whole country is literally annihilated." I smiled, Zac is never one to back down, "Point taken but what’s a little wind anyway?"

"You are a freak."

"You love it." I could hear the phone being passed around. Isaac came on the phone, "Hey Sam, what’s up?"

I came out of my flannel haven of warmth, "How’d you know it was me?"

"Who else argues with Zac that much? Besides he hates talking on the phone and he’ll only stay on to argue with you."

I laughed, "I’m touched." Silence on the line told me that we hadn’t yet passed our uncomfortable stage. Leave it me though, the world’s biggest chatterbox, to completely blank on what I was going to say.

"I take it you got the box?"

I smiled, "Yes I did. Thank you so much. The video is wonderful. I just finished watching it. I thought my parents were going to kick my butt for ruining their "Santa" routine."

"Yeah, we’re winding down here. The family is leaving Zoë has been asleep for a couple of hours."

I shifted the phone to my other ear and pulled the covers over my shoulder, "I’m sorry you gift won’t make it til after the holiday but the post office was really busy."

He laughed, "Post office? Busy at Christmas, no way!?"

"Well, I should let you get back to your family but I just wanted to thank you. It meant a lot to me."

"I knew it would. That song just makes me think of you every time I hear it."

"It’s beautiful." Uncomfortable silence

"I’ll see you soon though. I know you guys are going to be in New York soon so hopefully I’ll see you then."

"Yeah, we’re filming the video for Weird. We’ll be there in a few weeks."

I hated this silence that fills both of us. It sucks not be able to be together when we want to be but I had school and he had, well you know his life.

~*~*~

Stepping off the plane was really weird. I had never been in Oklahoma before and didn’t really expect it to look so…normal. I think of anywhere west of Virginia as Old-West, Clint Eastwood, gunslinger, desert area. I know it’s ignorant to think so but I live in Massachusetts, we don’t get out much.

Mr. Hanson met me at the airport in Oklahoma City. There are no normal flights from Boston to Tulsa so I had to fly to OK City and drive to Tulsa. It was a two-hour drive and we caught up on all the news while we were driving. The roads weren’t that congested considering it was two days before New Years.

"How is school going?"

"It’s going okay. I missed Dean’s List by one class though. I’m peeved about it too because it was a C+. I mean, would it have killed the guy to have given me the B-?" I had gotten my grades the day before I left for Oklahoma and obviously my day was shot.

In typical fatherly fashion he asked, "Did you try your best?"

"I did. It was a hard class but I tried my best."

"Then that’s all that matters." I thought my eyes were going to fall out of my head I rolled them so hard.

I turned to Mr. Hanson, "Can I ask you something?"

"Do you actually believe that? I mean, no offense but my parents say the same thing. I can’t really imagine every parent believing it."

He shrugged his shoulders, "Do you believe that you did your best?"

"I think so. College is a lot different than high school and I think I did what I could. All professors seem to think that their class is the most important though. They each give pounds of homework each night." I was flipping through the tapes in between the seats, "Kenny G? I don’t even want to know."

"There’s a song that I like on there. Don’t tell me you’re biased against Kenny G, Sami."

"Well, no offense but I’m not a huge instrumental music fan."

"I’m not really either but there are some songs on there with well-known singers."

~*~*~

I stood behind Mr. Hanson as he turned the lock on the door. No one was waiting patiently for my arrival as it was a surprise but Mackenzie soon attacked me, his spaghetti stained face smearing all over my jeans.

"Hey munchkin. Can I help you wash your face?"

Mr. Hanson took my bag and pried Mackenzie away. Mackenzie made me promise not to leave until I saw him first. You’ve got to love it.

The girls were still at dance class and the TOT were in their studio, banging away at a melody.

Mrs. Hanson came down to say hello but was whisked away on parental bathtub duty with Mackenzie. I was left alone in the living room so I took out my book and sat down on the couch.

I had signed up for my freshman seminar and wanted to get ahead with the reading before the class started.

I was entrenched in the book when I heard thumping footfalls against the floor. Mackenzie attacked again with a new Dr. Seuss book.

Halfway into the book I felt Mackenzie's head fall against my shoulder. I started to inch myself away from him without waking him when I heard the side door open. I heard voices in the backroom and turned to see who it was. Zac passed by and started down the hallway with Taylor in tow. Isaac turned the corner of the hallway when Mackenzie started to stir. "Sami, why aren't you reading?"

I turned to look down at Mackenzie when I heard the collective gasp. I smiled and looked back toward the three brothers. Isaac was the last to step into the room and his look of astonishment said it all.

I laughed, "Happy New Years."

All the questions came at me but Mackenzie explained it best, "She’s here. Who cares why?" You’ve got to love that four-year-old logic.

"We set it up a few weeks ago and I landed in Oklahoma City this afternoon. You’re dad picked me up. I’m here until Saturday."

Taylor had taken up residence on the couch with me, "You’re here all week. That’s cool. Is this really a vacation though? You know mom’s gonna drag you into babysitting at some point."

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don’t mind. They have all their toys here so it should be fine."

~*~*~

I leaned back against the cushions of the couch, "So…Merry Christmas." My parents felt bad that I wasn’t going to get to be with you all for the holidays so they contacted your parents. I didn’t know about it until a few days before Christmas."

Isaac was next to me on the couch and we caught up on each other’s lives for a few minutes. The inevitable silence fell on us and burrowed further into the couch. Staring off into the room sadness befell me. They didn’t have a Christmas tree because of lack of time.

I stood staring at a corner of the room trying to imagine what a normal Christmas for the family would be. I couldn’t do it. All I could envision is an empty set of drums, a silent keyboard and a neglected guitar resting on the floor.

"Yeah, I know. We were bummed that there wasn’t a tree for us when we got home. Not that we had time to decorate it but it would have been nice."

I looked up at him and leaned against his shoulder, "It’s okay. You guys will do okay without it." I looked over at him while he was staring at the empty space. "The big sucky thing is the lack of snow. I should have brought some with me."

"Do you have any snow?"

I looked over at him, "Do you really want to talk about the weather in New England?"

That goofy grin took over his face and he looked down toward the floor.

"I didn’t think so." I pulled my Looney Tunes socked feet up on the couch and grabbed for the clicker.

An hour later, we were one big mass of blankets. So, granted it wasn’t necessarily freezing but, hey, any chance to get closer, I take it. The kiss on the top of my head made me burrow even closer.

~*~*~

Underneath my flannel comforter I heard a quiet noise and then felt the weight of one giggling eight-year-old on my stomach. "Avery, honey, ouch."

"Morning. Want some Cheerios?" I crawled out from under the blanket and looked to find my scrunchie. "Think I could get out of bed first?"

I shifted my weight and she thudded against my hip. I sat up to put my hair in a ponytail and pulled my feet out from underneath the behemoth of a child. "You weigh too much."

She followed me up the steps to the bathroom, "I do not. I did just eat though."

"There ya go." I stopped in front of the bathroom door, "This is where you stop. I don’t need help, thanks." Her laughter was heard even through the wooden door. I leaned against the closed door and yawned. I took my watch off the night before but by the light in the window, I assumed it was still early. It’s too early for this.

Back outside the bathroom, Avery was waiting for me. "Don’t you have siblings to bother? I’ve got to get my bag and then I’ve got dibs on the shower."

"Want me to stand here and guard it for you?"

I raised an eyebrow, "Why?" Avery stood in the bathroom doorway with her arms braced across her middle. "Well, if ballet doesn’t work out, Ave, fear not, you’ll have a wonderful career as a bouncer."

I grabbed my oversized duffel bag and headed back toward the bathroom. I heard Taylor’s voice, "She can wait five minutes until I get out."

I started up the stairs and laughed, "Taylor, the day you spend five minutes in the shower is the day they start playing ice hockey down under and I don’t mean Australia." He was standing in front of Avery, with clean clothes in hand.

"Come on Sam. I really smell."

"I’m sure you do but trust me, I smell more." I stepped around Avery and started to close the door. Taylor’s foot was wedged inside the doorframe. I snickered, "Unless you wanna lose some toes I’d move it."

His fingers started to pry the door open, "Sam I have to meet friends in twenty minutes."

"And you’re wasting my time and yours by not allowing the door to be shut. Why not use the other bathroom?"

"Isaac is in that one and Zac is next in line."

"Sorry hun, I’ll be quick. I promise." I shut the door to his whining.

"I hate you."

I laughed, "Deep felt emotions are good for you."

~*~*~

"Why aren’t you guys outside playing?" It was Wednesday and it was a great day for freeze tag.

Jessica shrugged, "Just don’t feel like it."

"It’s so nice out though." I sat down at the table where Jessica and Mackenzie were coloring.

"Mom’s resting and Dad’s working with the guys."

"So?"

"We really shouldn’t be outside without an adult." She said it so matter-of-factly.

"Oh. Well, I’ll go outside if you’d like. I thought I saw a sandbox out there yesterday."

Mackenzie was warming up to the idea because I saw his crayon slow and his fingers itch to go outside.

Two sweaters, three trips to the bathroom and a glass of juice later, we were on our way outside.

The lawn was pretty damp from a snowfall earlier in the week. Mud and Mackenzie is not a good combination. I don’t know what chemical reaction happens with children and mud but it’s binding; Mackenzie was covered head to toe in it.

I stood in the doorway, holding Mackenzie at arm length and trying to get my muddy sneakers off, "Don’t touch anything."

He got this bored look on his face, "I can’t. You’re holding on to me, Sami."

"Yeah, I know I am. No more cookies for you buddy. You weigh a ton."

I snaked through the house, keeping Mackenzie from inadvertently touching anything. I placed him in the shower and turned the water on, with clothes on and all.

~*~*~

We were laughing and the wood floor was cold on my bare feet. All six of the older children and I had been fooling around dancing for awhile but slowly, the kids started migrating out of the room. This was definitely a scheme by Isaac because it was the last night I was in Tulsa.

We were pathetically attempting the jitterbug to an old Beatles song when I called him on it, "You know you are a pathetic excuse for a brother."

He spun me out across the floor, "Yeah, why?"

I was pulled back against him, "You kick your family out of their room just because you think you’re gonna get some action."

His eyes lit up as he spun me counter-clockwise, "You think so? I mean we are in my parents house."

My hair spun out around me as my body turned to the music, "Dream on Redneck."

He grinned like a Cheshire cat, "You stuck up Yankee snob." A sly smile spread across my face, "Didn’t you know that good Christian Yankee girls don’t ‘conduct in inappropriate behavior’?" I batted my eyes to further the effect.

The radio betrayed me by finishing the uptempo beat and bringing in the slow ballad.

We gravitated into a somewhat awkward but otherwise romantic dancing position. No I freely admit that I am not Ginger Rogers and as much as Isaac tries to convince me otherwise, he ain’t Fred Estaire.

Over the radio we heard the DJ announce, "Here we go, the song that launched a thousand relationships. The Association from 1967." I hit my forehead against his shoulder, "No pressure or anything."

I could feel him laughing, "Pressure? Samantha, come on. I know you can look past the whole pop/rock musician thing but you think I don’t feel pressure?"

I lifted my eyes and looked at him, "Yeah but I’m just me, a nobody in your world of somebodys."

He pressed his forehead against mine, "Samantha, shut up. I mean this in the nicest way but shut up." And I did.

You wonder if this heart of mine will lose its desire for you, never my love

The song was so ironic. I felt that way a lot. I would feel that way a lot more over the course of our relationship too. My inability to see myself in his life caused many fights. Isaac would continue to show me otherwise though. He constantly tried to make me feel as much a part of his life as…well anything.

What makes you think love will end when you know that my whole life depends on you

I was thinking so hard about how we were going to survive after that night that I didn’t notice that Isaac was pulling me closer. I was so worried about having to leave in the morning that I didn’t feel his fingers pulling my face around to look at him.

I was there but my mind wasn’t, until I felt his lips on mine. Instinct made me jerk my head back but sheer courage brought me back to kiss him again.

He laughed as the song ended, "Where were you?"

"Not where I wanted to be." An upbeat song blared at us from the speakers and Isaac walked over to the radio to turn it off. I looked down at my feet again, trying not to draw attention to myself.

Isaac was looking right at me, "What are you afraid of?"

"I’m afraid you’ll find out that I’m just a tomboy from up north who got lucky one day."

"You know what I’m afraid of?" I looked up at him, questioning. "I’m afraid that you’re gonna realize that I don’t know all the chords on the guitar. You’ll realize that I’m just someone who got lucky because he’s photogenic. I love what I do but I fear that someday no one else will like it." He paused, "And then you won’t like it anymore either."

"Oh, Isaac no, never. How could you think that?" He shrugged his shoulders.

I frowned, "So basically you’re telling me that you’re just as scared of this as I am?"

"Yup." I laughed, "Well, we’re certainly a pair, aren’t we?"

I tried to walk by him into the kitchen but he caught my arm and started to pull me around for another attempt at the jitterbug. "Yes we are."

I silently agreed as I was pulled across the crayon-streaked floor.

Chapter 31

My bags got heavier as I moved closer and closer to the terminal.  My parents had brought me to the airport to say good-bye yet again.  My father had one bag slung over his shoulder while my mother had one small suitcase dangling from her hand.

Standing at the gate with my ticket in hand I knew that I was not the eighteen-year-old woman to my parents.  They were looking at their little Sami, the pig-tailed mud puppy who lived in overalls.

I tried to smile, “Time to go.  I’ll call you when I get there.”

My mother’s eyes started to water and I cringed.  “We’ll stay up until you call.  Don’t forget.”

My dad pulled me into a hug and whispered, “Just have fun.  This is as new to them as it is to you.”

I smiled and picked up my carry-on luggage.  I turned to my parents one last time as I stepped into the makeshift hallway; my mom waved and my dad held her hand.  Through years of training wheels, braces, learner’s permits, and graduations my parents watched pieces of their little girl slip away.  That day one more piece slipped away.

~*~*~

Getting on the plane was tough because it was going to be a long, hard journey that I didn’t know if I was ready for.  The guys didn’t even know if they were ready for it.

I was talking on the phone with Zac a few weeks earlier.

“I don’t know.  I feel like I should be so excited but I’m just-“ I could hear him sigh, “not.”

“Aww…hun.  It’s hard to get psyched up when you know you have thousands of miles to travel and very few people with you.  They always say it’s loneliest at the top and right now, you can’t get more ‘top’ than you.”  I smiled even though he couldn’t see me.

“Yeah, I guess that’s true.  I just want to stay home and watch TV.”

“Yeah, well, I’d love to do that too but I’d be the size of a house and never get anything done.  Trust me, when it’s over you’re going to have a feeling of accomplishment that you can’t even imagine right now.  I guarantee it.”

He grumbled some more but when we finished talking I think he felt a little bit better.

Back on the plane, I looked out at the clouds and just laughed at all the happenings from the past months.  I laughed to myself as I remembered the Grammys.  The man next to me moved a bit further away but I was too far into my own mind to notice.

“Sam, you’re gonna love this outfit.  It’s not boring black!  I don’t want to look like everyone else” I cringed when I thought of the outfit that Candace was putting him in.  I swear that woman does it just to watch my blood pressure rise.

“Isaac, you never look like anyone else.  Put the other two on the phone so I can wish them luck too.  I luv you.”

“I luv you too.  Thanks for calling.”  They were in their limousine, traveling through New York City with the cellular phone attached to their side.

Taylor was next in line, I could hear his distant voice get louder as the phone was passed to him, “Why are you handing it to me?  I don’t want to talk to her-oh hi Sam.”

“Yeah, I never liked you anyway.”

“And you’re under the impression that I liked you?”  I could hear Taylor’s ‘attitude’ starting up.  Taylor loves to give me mock ‘attitude’ and I give it right back to him.

“Yeah, obviously you like me.  Geez Taylor, it’s so obvious that you want me.”  I could hear his hysterical laughing and couldn’t help but smile.  We go through this routine every time we talk.

“Okay…you know what?  You’re not doing my self-esteem any good.”

“Yeah, whatever Sami.  You’re self-esteem is plenty high enough.  Thanks for calling though.  Zac’s peeing his pants over there.”  Of course, Zac retaliated with, “You liar!  You’re the one who’s been jittery all night.  At least I’m not wearing orange leather.”

“You’re wearing orange leather??”

“Zac’s an idiot.” I could hear the two of them swatting each other in the car, “It’s not really orange.  It’s cool. You’ll like it.”

“I…uh…hope so.”

“You will.  Here, talk to Zac.  I gotta put my jacket on ‘cause we’re almost there.”

“Hey,” he was talking between bites of something, nothing unusual for Zac. “What’s up?”

“What are you eating?”

“Pringles.  Dad’s getting peeved though ‘cause I’m getting grease and crumbs all over my shirt.  I think Candace told him not to let me eat.”

“Candace needs a swift kick to the head.”

“Yeah!” but then he started to choke on his Pringle.  Nothing much, just coughing but it was enough to scare him into putting the chips away.

I could only imagine Mr. Hanson’s face.  That man has the patience of a saint.

Watching the show from home, I was getting angrier and angrier as the awards went to others.  Really, I mean, I’m from Massachusetts and all and I know I am supposed to support my own but Paula Cole is like nails on a chalkboard to me.  After the ceremony the mood was somber but the guys seemed okay with the outcome.  I was upset for them but they seemed to brush it off.  Taylor’s quiet voice on the phone was hard to take, “Our time will come.”  I guess he was right.  No need to box them into their Mmmbop band status anymore than they are.

~*~*~

As the plane landed I was getting more nervous.  Why I don’t know, I just was.  This was a huge step for me.  Spending months at a time with the family was something I had done but add a small enclosed space like a bus into the equation and it just gets downright scary!  I’m about to let you in on a little secret…I’m a b*tch. Or at least can be when I’m not in a good mood.  The thought of spending hours and hours on a bus with the same thirty people was not something I was looking forward to.  Time with Isaac - something I was looking forward to.  Trying to find fun games to play after staring at the same four walls after thirteen hours - not something I was looking forward to.

I stepped out onto the make-shift hallway and was attacked from behind.  My initial thought was “Oh my God! The world is ending and I’m going to die because some freaky person with an agenda is going to make an example out of me to put whatever radical paraphernalia .”  Obviously, as you may have guessed, I have an active imagination.  It was Louis pulling me into a bear hug.

All I heard him mumble was, “Thank god.  Please, please, play Barbies.  Please.  I just can’t take it anymore.” Okay so maybe that was my imagination running again but…

“How’s the TOT?”

“Oh, getting into trouble again of course.  Some press leaked out that the boys were letting some girl group open for them and that’s not true.  It’s making their life here a living hell because the media is harping on it.  The boys are tired and sniping already.  Paris was a disaster.  Isaac got shocked because the equipment wasn’t working or something.”  His hand fluttered through the air as he went down the list of the latest disasters.  “I mean he’s okay but he’s strumming away in rehearsal and, ‘Ow! Dangit!’  He was really cool about the fact that his hair could have frizzed out to the point of no return.”  Louis smiled.  It was just another day in the world of Hanson.

The doors at Heathrow Airport were almost prophetic to me.  I had once gone through them just as a seventeen-year-old kid without many plans.  Now I was almost nineteen, in (dare I say it) love and on my way to another adventure, which I couldn’t even, begin to imagine as I stepped out onto the streets of London.

~*~*~

The hotel was in absolute shambles as I expected it to be.  The entourage had the whole top floor, most of which, was in a constant state of movement.

Many new faces, which I had never seen, moved in and out of rooms.  I stayed close to Louis as I rolled my suitcase down the hallway.

I almost made it to the end when I caught Avery midair as she threw herself up for a hug.  She knocked the wind out of my lungs but Louis saw it coming and braced me so my butt didn’t kiss the floor.

“Hun…hun…Ave….Av’ry…I CAN’T BREATHE!”  Louis pried her petite yet unbelievable strong body away from mine as my suitcase slipped off my shoulder.  I gripped the wall for support as I gulped in huge amounts of air.

“Ave…great…to…” I gave her the thumbs-up sign. “But…NEVER!” I cut my hand through the air like a knife, “do that….again.”  I sputtered and tried to form sentences using my hands but finally just plopped down on the floor and laid there.

Faces started to pop into my vision and it wasn’t until Zac nearly spit on me because he was chewing gum and trying to talk while leaning over me did I feel I could stand up again.  Gravity can be so harsh sometimes.

“Sorry Sam, it’s raspberry and lemon gum though.  Definitely worth the whole ‘almost got you to try it too’ incident.”

I rolled my eyes as Zac pulled his hair away from his face to blow a bubble.

I sat up and moved against the wall as the Hanson crew sat around me.  The questions started immediately and I was trying desperately to answer them all.  I yawned a bit and asked Jessica to show me off to my room.

“You’ve got a room of your own but it’s connected with ours…” She was off on a new topic before I could even follow the conversation.

I stood up to brush the dirt off my shorts and the full impact of my jet lag started to set in.  I apologized to everyone and pushed my way through to my room.  Never a group to be ignored easily the children followed me in and continued talking.  I dropped my luggage at the door and they continued talking.  I slung my tired body over the edge of the bed and threw myself under the pillows yet they continued talking.  Last I remember was Jessica and Zac fighting over who had the remote control last.

I slowly came back into consciousness and cursed the soul who left the curtains open.  Darn the bright sunshine.

I rolled over and stuck my head under the pillows when I heard someone moving around.

“Avery, please, I promise I will read to you when I get up.”

A deeper voice answered, “Will you read to me too?”

I groaned, “Isaac, really I’m half-awake.”  I pulled the pillow away and strained to open my eyes against the harsh light. “Is this necessary?  Can we turn the sun down just a bit?  My eyes are burning out of their sockets.  I can’t see anything.”

He moved over to shut the curtains, “Ms. Drama Queen.”

I rolled over, “Bite me.  Come talk to me in thirty six hours when you’re still awake and cranky.”

He sat down on the bed, “I’ve been down that road.  I get very cranky after no sleep.”

I smirked, “I know I’ve been near you before your coffee.  Tis not pretty.”

He sighed but didn’t say anything.

“Uh Isaac I luv ya hun but I’ve been sleeping for God knows how long and you’re blocking the only route to the bathroom.  Please.”  I shoved him off the bed and ran.

I flopped back on the bed and let Isaac flop next to me.  There was a pretty long uncomfortable silence before one of us was able to talk.

“So, how’s the tour going?  Louis told me you had come tech problems in Paris.”

“Yeah, I don’t even know what happened there.  It was so weird.  I felt like I was being strapped to a big lightning rod.”  He yawned himself and settled himself against my pillows.

“My parents said to say hello.  They’re coming to the Boston show.  They’re excited to see you live for the first time.”

“I hope it’s good for them.  Are you going to sit with them or stay backstage?”

“Isaac! I have no idea!”  I laughed, “That’s weeks away.  I don’t even know what time or day it is.”

He seemed a bit hurt by this.  I put my hand on his arm, “I’m sorry.  It just seemed so odd for you to ask that.  It’s so long away.”  I smiled and he seemed to accept that.

More silence.  It was going to be a very long summer.

I started picking apart the pattern on the wallpaper when Isaac finally spoke again, “Is it always going to be this awkward with us?”

I was so shy I couldn’t even look him in the eye, “Probably.  I think so.  This is all really new to me.”

“It is to me too.”  He rested his head on his arms, “I wish this wasn’t part of the deal.”

“Nope it’s part of the deal.  Someday we’re going to know each other so well that we’re going to be bored.  For now let’s enjoy the silence.”

That lasted about two minutes, “Do we have to?  I’m kinda bored.”

“Go and find your brothers.  I need to go and take a shower anyway.”

I stood up and stretched, “Go.  I’ll be here when you get bored with them.”  I smiled but he didn’t return it.

I remember the smell of his shirt as smelling like it just came out of the washing machine.  He stepped in and gave me a soft kiss on the forehead and wrapped his arms around me.  Silence can be a wonderful thing.  My hands were caught between my chest and his but I loved it.  I felt protected and loved for one of the first times in my life.  Something in Isaac makes me feel like I’m the only one in the world at that moment.  I’ve searched a very long time to find out what it is inside him that makes me feel so wonderful but have yet to find an answer.  I guess I just keep trying.

Chapter 32

I sat on the edge of the tub in the bathroom and just let the pain in my head take over.  I forgot how the kids can run around and wasn’t quite as boisterous as normal due to the lack of sleep.  Last I left the children they were fighting over who got to sit next to me in the van on the way home.  I thought I was going to jump out of the van if they didn’t stop.  Honestly if Mrs. Hanson isn’t put up for sainthood soon it’ll be a travesty.

“She’s not in here!”  I cringed as I heard Jessica come through the door.  I stopped breathing for a few moments, praying for just three more minutes of precious silence.

 “Is she in the bathroom??”  Ack, Avery too, no way can I hide from both of them.

I closed my eyes and tried to tell myself that there were only seven more hours until sundown.  It was only my second day in London and I already I wanted to throttle the children.  The boys had been on a whirlwind promotional tour of the city and it felt like they had microphones shoved in their faces the whole time.  A female reporter came to stay with the boys for a few days for a Spanish magazine so I stayed in the background until ‘free time’ after dusk.  One reporter made the mistake of asking Avery a question and I thought Zac was going to pummel the man.

“Please, stick with the three of us.”

“Oh, I just wanted to know what it’s like to be a sibling-” One look at Zac’s face told the man to step back before Zac picked him up and made him step back.  That boy is just an absolute wonder to me sometimes.  He can be drawing daisies one minute and then be crashing into the wall the next in an effort to make his sisters laugh.  I strive to understand that boy occasionally.  Sadly I couldn’t even begin to imagine what would befall the relationship he and I have in the future.  My favorite little Zac turned into a bitter teenager for a time and there was nothing I could do about it.  During that time I finally understood what it was to be a parent.  I didn’t like it then and still don’t like it now.

Back in the bathroom though I was debating on the best excuse to get out of reading to the girls.  The sound of my own voice was making my head pound all the more and thoughts of Dr. Seuss were making it even worse.

 “Sami?” The innocence behind Avery’s question made me rethink my rash opinions.

 “Yes honey?  Sorry I was just tying my shoes.”  I looked down at my sandaled feet and hoped she didn’t notice the small lie.

 “We wanted to know if you wanted to read with us.”  My ears perked up “with us” and not “to us” was a definite possibility.

 “That would be wonderful!” I was up and out of the bathroom so fast I almost knocked Jessica over in the process.  “I have a new book that I wanted to start called The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks.  My mother read it and cried for days afterward but she said it was amazing.” I would have cut off my left arm at that point if I thought it would get the girls to quiet down.

~*~*~

“Shh.” I didn’t even look up from my book.

 “But-,” I could hear the disappointment in Jessica’s voice.

“Shhh…it’s quiet time.”  This time I made a subtle ‘all sounds will end’ movement with my hand.

"But you’re sitting on my book.  What’s up with you Sami?”

I put the book down, “I’m sorry.  I just need sleep.  I was wide awake last night because I was still not on London time yet and now all I want is to sleep.”

Avery gave me a Duh look that really would have stopped a clock, “Well why didn’t you say something?” If her hand could have found her hip while she

was sitting on the bed I’m sure it would have.  Avery’s like that sometimes, she’s not snobby just…opinionated.

 I raised an eyebrow, “Really Ave, do you practice that look?”

“What look?” Now we moved from the Duh look to the Are you talking to me look.

“Nothing.  I’m sorry I’m in a bad mood.” I tucked my feet up under my legs and read on.

 I heard Mrs. Hanson moving around out in the hallway but was too busy becoming engrossed in the novel.

 “What are you girls up to?”  She was standing in the doorway with Zoe on her hip.

 “We’re reading but Sam’s in a bad mood.”

 I rolled my eyes and pried myself away from the book, “I am not in a bad mood.  You know that I’m not good with jet lag.”  I turned and stuck my tongue out at Avery.

Mrs. Hanson sighed, “Do you want me to take them?”

“Oh no, we’re fine now.  We had a chat about the wonders of migraines.”  A cheesy grin and I was back to reading.

~*~*~

 I slept through dinner and would have slept through breakfast if Mackenzie hadn’t found out how to work the inter-hotel telephone system.

Ring.  I grabbed at the phone but only managed to drop it to the floor.  In my haste to try to find it I realized a bit too late that I was wrapped into the sheets.  Thud.

 “Sh*t….ow….damnit.  Hello?!”

 “Uh…Sam, it’s time to get up.”

 “Good morning Mackenzie,” I sighed, “I’ll be up in a few minutes.  Please don’t ever call me before ten a.m.”  He mumbled a good-bye and I dropped the receiver to the floor.

Staring up at the ceiling wrapped in the hotel sheets I thought about my life and where it was going.  My friends were spending the summer at internships or office jobs while I was traveling the world yet again.

I pushed my hair out of my eyes and let my arm fall to my forehead.  I know I should feel blessed and feeling anything less would just be rude on my part but, hey, what can I say?  Other than, did you know that there are an average of 172 patterned tiles on the ceiling of a London hotel?

~*~*~

 Isaac and I were having a friendly argument. I had gone out and bought the B*Witched CD because I wanted to know what everyone was getting so freaky about. That girl group was booked to open for the boys Wembley Arena show but the boys wanted a band. It was a simple request but somehow it turned into an international incident. Even to this day the boys are asked, “Why didn’t you want B*Witched to open for you?”

“We just don’t want them opening for us.”

“Yeah, but who cares?” I just didn’t understand why it was such a big deal.

“We just don’t want it.” Isaac shrugged his shoulders.

“Yeah, but, I repeat: Who cares?”

“We do.” Tempers were flaring a bit. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that it was an issue and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t identify with their

reasoning.

I looked down at the CD. It seemed okay to me. I mean was it going down in the songwriters’ hall of fame? No. It was just fun poppy music. And I told Isaac so.

He didn’t like that, at all. Our little argument between friends was turning into a full out brawl between Isaac and me.

“Sami, why are you making such an issue out of this? It’s our choice. No offense but it’s really none of your business.”

“Uh…. okay. Well then fine. Don’t complain to me when the journalists eat you up and spit you out today as they have been all week.”

“When did I complain? I thought you were supposed to be supportive?” We shut the door and started yelling even louder.

“All I’ve heard since I got here was ‘I’m tired.’ ‘They won’t let it go.’” I threw my hands up in exasperation, “OBVIOUSLY they’re going to be angry, Isaac. You

just said no to one of the most popular groups in the country!!”

“We never WANTED them to open for us.”

“Well WHY were they booked?!” Much as I wanted to understand I knew there was no dealing with him when he gets like that. He’s very stubborn when it comes

to his music and his career.

I lowered my voice, “What, because they aren’t a band you don’t want them?”

“Honestly, yes.” The pointing of fingers started, “We have worked so hard to distance ourselves from the boy band status and we sure as heck aren’t going to buy into it now.”

“They write their own stuff.”

“I’m sure they do but I just don’t want them to open for us. Plain and simple.”

“Uh…okay and when did you become the authority on which all decisions are made?”

“Oh Sami, knock it off.”

“Knock what off? Do you know how pompous you sound?”

“Pompous? For not wanting to be stereotyped?” He turned to stare out the window.

“They are musicians just like you. What makes you think your dream is any better than theirs?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Isaac, just because you play your instruments and write songs doesn’t give you the right to judge everyone else?”

“It’s OUR CHOICE!” He all but yelled that last line.

“All right.  Enough.”

"No, not enough. What is wrong with you?"

"I'm tired."

"Oh well I'm sorry you're tired.  Heaven forbid poor Samantha be tired." His voice was dripping with sarcasm, "Let's all ignore the fact that I almost got electrocuted in Paris or the fact that we haven't slept a full night in over two weeks but poor Sami has jet lag and everyone needs to kow tow to her."  He used a baby voice to further his point.

My migraine was coming back full throttle.  I tried reasoning with him, "Isaac please, my head feels like it's going to explode."

"I've had a headache for three days but all you care about is yourself.  My sisters have been coming in to talk to me because they can't even go near you you're such a bitch."

That was it, "Excuse me?  There is no need for name-calling.  If it's that much of an issue I can go home.  I thought it would be good to be together for the summer but obviously I was mistaken."  I picked up my sweatshirt off the bed and started for the door, "Heaven forbid I go against the Almighty Isaac Hanson."

"Oh please, you've had your nose in the air since you got here.  You're acting as if we should be honored that you took the time out of your busy schedule to be with us little people."  He was patronizing me now and I was pissed.

"Pardon me for not kissing your ass.  I didn't realize it was required!"  I would have slammed the door on my way out but it was a hydraulic door and they don’t slam.  I hated that.  Every good fight should have at least one door slamming.

~*~*~

The next morning was interesting.  I avoided all human contact until after breakfast when responsibility came looking for me.

“Uh, Samantha.  Can we see you in our room?”  Mr. Hanson came up behind me as I was pouring orange juice.  He only called me Samantha when something was wrong.  I turned around but couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eye.

It was a long elevator ride to our floor.  I kept praying for Divine intervention or maybe a big hole in the ceiling that would suck me up into the atmosphere never to be seen again.  Neither of those things happened.  The ding of the elevator announced we were there.  I let him walk first and I followed, slowly.

I kept thinking of all the stupid things I had done in the few days prior.  It’s hard to explain.  I knew I was acting like a jerk and an idiot but I couldn’t do anything to stop myself.

Mr. Hanson opened the door and let me walk through.  I saw Isaac sitting on the edge of his parents’ bed, trying desperately not to look nervous.  I sat down as far away from him as possible and faced the wall.  He wouldn’t look at me so I didn’t look at him.

I remember Mr. and Mrs. Hanson pacing back and forth in front of us for quite a long time before any words were spoken.  Looking back I think they were as nervous as we were.

 Mrs. Hanson was the first to speak up.  She leaned against the table and took a deep breath, “All right.  We heard the…noise last night and frankly we’re appalled.”  She seemed to get control of her thoughts and started the parental lecture, “Isaac I’m ashamed of you.  Yes you are seventeen but, no, that does not mean you can go off yelling as you want to.  And Samantha, really, was that language necessary?  What exactly was all the arguing about?”  She folded her arms across her chest and started.  First her eyes moved to her firstborn and then on to me.  Her mouth set in that someone had better start talking way.

I stared at the side of Isaac’s head and looked to him to speak.  They were his parents, you’d think he would know what to say but he only shrugged his shoulders.  Note to self: Never leave the important stuff to Isaac.  I inwardly rolled my eyes and opened my mouth to speak, “Honestly Mrs. Hanson, I have no idea.”  Her head swiveled to look to me again and suddenly I lost the ability to think.  Anyone who doubted her disciplinarian skills should rest easy.  When she wants to, she can make you feel like you’re three inches high.

 “I…uh…he…uh….Isaac….we…..”  I couldn’t believe it.  I have faced my own mother in punishments much more severe than this but I lost the ability to form coherent sentences.

Mrs. Hanson’s eyebrow went up and I knew I was dead.  “Samantha, I hate to remind you of this but you are a guest here.  I do not wish to pull rank on you but this has got to stop.  You have done little more than mope around the hotel for three days now and frankly, I’m tired of it.”  My head bowed in shame as I listened to her.  “We brought you here to help out with the children and also offer companionship to them but I have seen nothing like that since you stepped off the plane.  I hate to say this but-”

I feared the worst but Isaac finally spoke up, “Mom it’s not her fault.  She’s just coming off finals from school and she didn’t even have time to slow down before she got on the plane.”  I could have kissed him.  He was sticking up for me against his mother.  I almost smiled.  Almost.

“Isaac, would you like to add to this conversation?  Where exactly are you in this whole thing?  Why were you arguing?  Samantha can’t seem to speak for herself at the moment.”  Ouch.  I cringed at that last comment.  I know I deserved it but still.  It hurt.

“Mom, please.”  He looked embarrassed.  Why should he be embarrassed?  I was the one who was getting lectured by their employer.  “Honestly.  Please.”

He turned to face me and I could have died.  He turned those huge brown eyes on me and I just melted, “Sami, I’ll talk to you later.”

I smiled.  Then I saw three faces staring back at me.  I got confused.  What?  My eyes darted around the three faces.  What were they thinking about?  I was scared.

Isaac said quietly, “Sam, I’ll talk to you later.  I wanted to talk to my parents alone.”  The light bulb went off in my head, “Oh!  Right!  Oh gosh, I thought…right.  Oh I’ll just…. oh. Bye.”  I reached for the door handle and prayed that something large and heavy would land on me so that I wouldn’t have to explain my inability to pick up seemingly blatant signals from others.

~*~*~

I stood in my room with nothing to do.  The children were off with Susan -- not that I wanted to see them anyway.  I felt so embarrassed.  I really didn’t mean to

get cranky.  I just had a migraine that was pounding in my head.  Even standing in my darkened room, alone with no sound it was hurting.

I lay down on the bed and tried to block out all light.  I threw my arm over my eyes while trying to drift off to painless sleep.

Do you know that foggy area between awake and asleep?  I was somewhere in there when a six-foot tall teenager with a penchant for making noise came bounding through the door, “Sami, I talked to my parents!!”

I sat straight up in the bed while waves of nausea attacked my body.  I think I would have been okay if Isaac hadn’t jumped on the bed after yelling through the door.

“Ohmygod.”  I clamped a hand to my mouth and ran for the bathroom.

I think my heaving stomach turned Isaac off and frankly I couldn’t blame him.  I tried my best to stop the room from spinning but wasn’t having much luck.

I picked myself up off the floor some time later to find my clothes soaked in sweat.  I called through the shut door to Isaac, “Can you get your mother?”

I heard a very quiet, “Yeah” and the sound of the door.

I turned the cold water on and stepped into the shower.  Hearing a tap on the door I prayed for Mrs. Hanson.