Chapter 27  Chapter 28  Chapter 29

Hanson Through My Eyes

Chapter 26

The next few days went by in a flash; There were tons of interviews and shuffling to get the guys ready for England. The kids, along with Mrs. Hanson were taking a few days off and going back to Tulsa for rest while the guys and Mr. Hanson continued on to England. I tried to stay out of everyone’s way and kept the children quiet in one of the spare hotel rooms. The girls and Mack begged for me to fill up a water balloon but after the stern looks from the hotel staff, I decided against it.

"I’m sorry guys but you know what Jason said. We were lucky not to get kicked out the first time, if we do it again I’m sure they won’t be so nice. A few more days and you’ll be on your way back home anyway." I tried to smile but it was obvious everyone was in a somewhat solemn mood. The toll of the last few months was creeping up on the kids by the hour. They played and joked but it was not the same; They no longer begged me to continue reading when I stopped at night. They were tired and no one could blame them.

The rehearsal day for the Beacon Theatre concert was exciting. The entire entourage was staying in the theatre for the whole day. Camera crews and lighting technicians were moving around, setting up their equipment. It was pretty cool standing in the center of the theatre imagining what it was going to look and sound like filled with people. I sat down in one of the seats and was listening to the guys do a sound check. They were just fooling around but it sounded pretty good. Zac was yelling into his microphone and his voice was hitting various levels of loud as the engineer fiddled with the theatre’s sound system. Leaning back in the chair, I started to drift off to sleep while watching the on-stage antics in front of me. Somehow Isaac saw me falling asleep and he cranked the volume on his amplifier; He thought it would be funny to wake me up by hitting an earsplitting note. I nearly jumped out of my skin and sat bolt upright while everyone on-stage thought it was hysterical. From that point on, I stayed with the children. Just before lunch, friends of the guys were brought into the theatre; They were flown from Tulsa to see the concert. Lunch was a bit uncomfortable though, not that their friends weren’t nice but I really didn’t know what to say to them. The guys had to finish rehearsal till after two so I, the girls, Mack and the friends from Tulsa were shuffled into one of the back rooms to eat. The children weren’t in a very talkative mood so the room was pretty silent. I didn’t know what to say to the people from Tulsa so I silently ate my sandwich. They talked amongst themselves a little bit but mostly it was uncomfortable silence throughout the meal. By the time the guys sat down to eat it was getting near time for me to bring the children back to the hotel.

Zac looked up from his sandwich to ask what I was doing. "I’m getting the kids’ things together, we’re leaving in a few minutes. I need to finish packing and they said you’d just be filming for the rest of the day. The girls and Mack are kind of restless so I thought they could come back to the hotel with me."

"Oh. Well we should be back by 7 or so. I guess I’ll see you then." The other two were engrossed in conversation but Zac waved as I left the room.

Back in the hotel, the children were little terrors. Every time I tried to put something in my suitcase, they’d take it out to look at it. Or they’d pull me away from packing by asking me to look at something.

"Guys, I’m never going to get done if you don’t leave me alone. Here, play with your dolls while I do this."

Mackenzie was utterly offended by this, "I do NOT play with dolls!"

"I know Mackenzie but your brothers aren’t here right now and I don’t have anything fun for you to play with so just sit with your sisters." He lasted a total of about thirty seconds sitting down. He climbed up on my bed and stared at me while I packed. When he got bored with that he decided jumping on my bed was much more exciting. I didn’t mind him jumping, he didn’t rattle too much in my suitcase, it was when the two girls started jumping that made my suitcase hit the floor. Everything I had put away was now scattered across the carpet. I tried to calm down but was rapidly losing patience. I took a deep breath and headed out to the balcony. Try to stay calm, Sami. Don’t take it out on them. My mind was spinning and I tried to remain positive. I didn’t mean to get snappy. I just wanted to get this over with and get home before I broke down and cried like an idiot. Isaac had been so incredibly nice for the last few days. I am not sure what Taylor said to him but apparently it worked. I let both Isaac and Taylor stay in bed for as long as I could.

I knocked on the door the morning after our little party; Taylor answered the door and to put it nicely he looked horrible. His clothes were rumpled and his hair was...well....grossly tangled.

I smiled a little bit, "Umm...good morning?" He walked back to his bed and collapsed onto it. "I let you sleep in as long as I could. Your parents and everyone else are almost ready. To save time, Taylor, you can use my shower. My friends are all ready to go and if you’d like to say good-bye you better get up. If not, they’re going to be gone in about three minutes." Isaac was still asleep and I walked around the bed to wake him up, "Isaac? You need to get up." I shook his shoulder but he was still out cold.

Taylor rolled over to face us, "You can talk all you want, he’s not going to get up. A bomb could go off next to him and he’d sleep right through it."

A few futile attempts at calling him were getting me nowhere so I walked into the bathroom and turned on the light. I took a cup out of the plastic wrapping and turned on the cold water. I stuck the cup underneath the running tap and walked back to Isaac’s bed. I turned to Taylor and smiled. He sat up and gave me a look of shock, "He’s going to kill you."

"I know." I held the cup over his head and let a little spill over. It took him a few seconds to figure out what was happening and when he did, he wasn’t happy. I jumped onto the bed and over Taylor, spilling the rest of the water in the process, in my haste to get away. Isaac was right behind me as I got out into the hallway.

"You are so dead." I hit the wall but tried to keep running. It was no use though, Isaac held my elbow tightly.

"It’s your fault. You were the one who wasn’t getting up." His hair was all wet and actually didn’t look attractive at all.

"It’s my fault? Haha...I don’t think so." Before he could retaliate, Mrs. Hanson came out of her room, "Isaac? Samantha? Knock it off, you’ll wake up the whole hotel. Isaac why aren’t you dressed yet? Get going, now!" Our fun was put on hold for the moment but as soon as Mrs. Hanson turned, Isaac started dragging me back to his room, "I am going to get you back for this. You are so dead."

"Hehehe...dream on, I got you good." Taylor was awake by now and fishing through his suitcases for clothes. Through a yawn he asked, "Sam, did you say I could use your shower?"

"Yeah, are you ready? Let’s see if I can sneak you past your parents’ room."

"How come he gets to use your shower?," Isaac looked a bit hurt.

"Because he’s ready and because he was awake first." I stuck my tongue out at him as we left the room, "Hurry up. Your parents are going to be ready to go in, like, ten minutes."

Taylor and I quietly crept down the hall and into my room. My friends were congregated on the floor, getting ready to leave. A soft round of hellos was exchanged before I shoved Taylor into the bathroom, "Hurry up. Your mother will freak if she finds out you’re not ready." When I heard the water running, I started sneaking my friends down the hall. We were standing in front of the elevators, saying good-bye when Jessica came down the hallway, "Hey I thought you guys left last night?"

"Shhhh...no, they stayed here. Now keep walking down the hall and forget you saw them."

"No, I wanted to say thank-" I put my hands on her shoulders and guided her down the hallway to my room, "Stay here for a sec, they know you thank them. I’ll be right back." She looked none-to-happy to be dismissed like that but I had no choice. By the time I got back to the elevators, they were already on them. I waved good-bye just before the doors closed and I heard my brother say, "I’ll call you when I get back home."

I walked back into my room and Taylor and Jessica were talking. Taylor looked up at me from where he was sitting on the floor, tying his shoes, "Are they gone already? I wanted to say good-bye."

"Don’t worry, I’ll say good-bye for you. Jamie said he’d call tonight when he gets back home."

Standing out on the balcony, I smiled at the memory.

The guys were exhausted that day but they made it through well. We were sitting in a van, waiting to go back to the hotel and both Taylor and Isaac had fallen asleep. I had Isaac on my right shoulder and Taylor on my left. It was only about a 15 minute ride back to the hotel but both boys were out cold for the whole ride. I kept putting my finger to my lips when one of the girls started getting loud. They were not happy to be shushed into silence so they sulked for most of the ride.

I took a deep breath. I had had enough of reliving the last few days and walked back into my room. I had calmed down and was ready to continue packing.

The children were sitting quietly on the bed. Avery spoke up, "We’re sorry Sami, we didn’t mean to knock your stuff over."

"It’s ok. I have time to pack again. There isn’t very much anyway. Here, go sit on the floor and I’ll go get some sodas." Three sodas later, the children were munching happily on stale potato chips and chatting amongst themselves.

The guys came in awhile after that. They had their friends with them and got the official OK from Mr. and Mrs. Hanson to go swimming for a little while before it was time to go to bed. I really had no intentions of swimming because I had already packed my suit and really didn’t feel like it.

"Please Sami. I want you to come down. Please." Jessica was giving me her pouting face and trying her hardest to get me to come.

"Don't pout. I’ll come down but if I end up in the water, I’m not going to be happy." Jessica ran off with the other two down the hall to get their suits on. Actually, I thought that they had left so I walked into the bathroom to pull my hair up. I saw a flash run by out of the corner of my eye and stepped back into the room, "Mackenzie, put them down. If you’re going to go swimming you can’t have any more chips."

The little guy had run back in the room in hopes of stealing a handful of chips while I wasn’t looking. He looked extremely guilty but also adorable with his hands in the bag. He pulled his hands out and walked slowly back toward the door but not before wiping the excess oil from the chips on the hotel bedspread though. "Mackenzie you are too much," I was laughing out loud, "You can have them when we get back from swimming."

We all met in the hall and the girls took each of my hands. I pulled Isaac aside before we got the elevators, "Isaac, I really don’t want to go in the water tonight. Please don’t pull me in or make the others. I really don’t feel like swimming."

Mackenzie was pulling at his hand but he slowed down to answer, "Yeah, are you okay? Usually you love swimming."

"Yeah, I just don't feel like having to take another shower before bed." I smiled politely and let myself be dragged onto the elevator by the girls.

Swimming was fun. The kids had a lot of fun and they loved having the guys’ friends play with them. I smiled to myself and laid my head back against the chair. I felt myself start to fall asleep and couldn’t fight it much longer. I could hear the playful screams of the girls as I was falling into sleep.

It wasn’t a pleasant dream, I woke up startled in the chair. I couldn’t have been sleeping for very long because everyone in the pool stopped to look at me. I felt like an imbecile, out of breath and sweating over a stupid nightmare. I smiled uneasily and grabbed the magazine I had been reading. After everyone had turned back to swimming and I knew that the children were being watched, I quickly went for the exit back into the hotel lobby. I hate nightmares and this one felt so real that I needed to escape from the suffocating atmosphere in the enclosed pool area. I trudged back toward the elevators and practically collapsed against the back wall. I stared up at the ceiling and almost scared myself. The ceiling was made of mirrored tiles and I looked extremely pale. When the elevator made it back to our floor, I practically opened the doors myself. Susan tried to talk to me as I was walking down the hall but I put my hand up to stop her and continued back to my room. Unfortunately she followed, "Samantha are you all right? No offense but you look awful."

I gulped down the soda that was on the desk, not caring that it was lukewarm, "No, I’m fine. I just had to get away from the chlorine smell downstairs, it was killing me."

"Well, geez, make sure you keep drinking. It’s so hot that you can dehydrate quickly." I smiled sweetly but felt like saying, Thank you Dr. Mom.

After I had assured her that I was not going to turn to dust, she left. I climbed back out onto the balcony and sat on the ledge. After a few minutes of the breeze cooling me down I went back in to get my CD player and take off my shoes. I popped one of my mother’s CDs into the player and listened as Billy Joel sang, She’s Got A Way. When I’m in a depressed mood for some reason I like to further my dark mood by listening to sad songs. I am not a die hard Billy Joel fan but for some reason that song got stuck in my head when I was younger and it’s gotten me through some utterly disheartening times.

Everyone says that New York is the city that never sleeps and they’re right but to watch it change from the workaholic commune that it is when the sun is up to the party central spot in the evening is amazing. Wall Street is deserted after 6 but the streets that have very little traffic during the day become jam-packed with excitement-seeking Nightcrawlers at dusk. It makes me smile to think how the three piece suit businessman turns into the club-hopping groupie when the sun goes down. I was going to miss getting to see the world from above. It’s almost as if I was given the opportunity to see the world as most people would never think to see it. I heard a noise and turned my head to see Zac standing in the doorway. I pulled the headphones out of my ears, "Hey, are you spying on me?"

"No, just seeing what you were up to. I was going to throw a pillow at you but I thought you’d hunt me down for it."

Zac is too funny, he just cracks me up, "You’re right. I would have. Did Taylor tell you about what I did to your brother?"

His eyes lit up, "Yeah! I can’t believe he let you get away with it. Sam, he wouldn’t let anyone else but you get away with that." I was struck by that comment. What did he mean by that? I only had a moment to think before I realized Zac was still talking, "And then Taylor slipped. It was too funny." Oh damn, what did Taylor slip on? I would have liked to know. I made a mental note to ask Avery about it later.

"Why aren’t you with your friends? They flew all the way from home to be here with you." The word home slipped off my tongue so easily now. It was as if I had known them for years and we were old friends; when in reality I had never stepped within 300 miles of Oklahoma.

"They’re taking showers and stuff. I think Dad is going to let us stay up to watch a movie tonight." He seemed all too excited about the prospect of staying up.

"Are you feeling better? You look a whole lot better now."

"Yeah, I feel fine. I had to take a nap today, actually I fell asleep in the back room of the theatre but you know."

"Well that’s good. At least you’re feeling fine. Are you guys all packed?"

"Yeah, I packed yesterday and the other two are just finishing now." Packing according to the TOT is throwing everything you brought with you into the nearest suitcase. Whether it be yours or someone else’s is not a concern of theirs. They normally rifle through each other’s suitcases looking for this or that. It’s amazing to me how they can look so neat and clean when they are on-stage because if you saw what their suitcases looked like you’d probably go into cardiac arrest. Neat and tidy are not two words that describe the guys.

Zac gestured to the CD player, "What are you listening to?"

"An old song that I like."

"Can I listen?" He walked over to the ledge and I gave him one of the ear pieces. I hit the play button and forwarded to track 5. I turned to him and said, "It’s called She’s Got A Way"

He listened to it for about a minute before he said, "Cool. Kind of slow though."

"Yeah it is. It’s one of the few Billy Joel slow songs that I like."

He meandered back inside and I went back to my visual, birds eye view of the city. I didn’t make it very long alone before the oldest member of the TOT came out to pay me a visit. I was looking over the edge, when I noticed someone standing to the side of me. I hit pause and pulled the headphones out again, "Hey."

"Hey, Zac said you were out here. What are you doing?"

"I’m just taking in the city. It’s pretty amazing if you think about it. Just two weeks ago I was looking down at the other side of the world. It’s kind of mind-boggling."

"Yeah it is. Hey, what happened when you were sitting in the chair?"

"Oh," I laughed self-consciously, "I started to fall asleep and I had a bit of a nightmare."

"You did? I thought it was something like that, you looked so scared when you sat up. What happened?"

I looked up with just my eyes, "Do you really want to know? You’ll probably laugh at me."

"Sam, you really scared us when you just left, I wouldn’t laugh. Jessica wanted to go after you but I thought you might want to be alone for awhile."

"Yeah, I’m glad she didn’t follow me. It wasn’t too bad, I get nightmares when I don’t get enough sleep."

"You haven’t slept a full night in awhile, Sam. You didn’t sleep at all when your friends left."

"I know. That’s why it’s even silly to repeat the nightmare."

"Well, if you don’t want to talk about it fine but I’m here if you need me." I turned my head and stared out at the city. Several unsteady heartbeats later, I spoke up, "I couldn’t get to you."

His head jerked forward to look at me, "What?"

I laughed a little, "No, I mean I couldn’t get to you guys." I took a deep breath, "You were playing on-stage and I walked into the room. The crowd looked a lot older, not really the teenies that attack when you usually play. I started to push forward to see you and I spotted Jessica, Avery and Mackenzie sitting on the amplifiers at the back of the stage. They were clapping with you. Something went wrong with your instruments though, they didn’t sound right. You guys kept playing on but the crowd thought you were doing it on purpose. I could feel the energy in the room go from supportive to angry in a matter of seconds. I was about halfway through the crowd when it surged for the stage. I screamed and kept trying to push people out of the way but it was no use. There were too many of them. I looked up at the stage just in time to see you all engulfed in a sea of angry people. That was as far as I got when I woke up. I didn’t scream out loud, did I?"

"Ah, no." He stopped for a second, "Wow, Sami please don’t worry about us. At every place we play at there are a line of security guards, you know that."

"I know but still, what are seven guards going to do against thousands of angry teenies?"

"After the Hard Rock, Jason and the others told us that if the crowd starts getting restless to just get off the stage. We have escape routes out of every place we play. Please, don’t worry about us. We’re gonna be fine."

"I know but the girls and Mack were there too. I couldn’t even see them. The thoughts of something happening to one of them turns my stomach."

"Yeah, right, do you really think my mom would let anyone touch any of them? Any of all of us, really? She’d lay down her life for us-Dad would too. So please, don’t worry. It was just a nightmare, it’s not going to happen."

I kind of felt a little silly after telling him and he noticed. He grabbed my hand, "Hey, knock it off. It wasn’t silly. You were scared, that was evident. Just try to forget it." He smiled. It was the smile that could melt ice, "Besides, you are rid of us tomorrow-no more screaming fans, or hotel bathrooms or lumpy pillows. You get to sleep in your own bed."

"Yeah, I guess. You guys need rest though, I can’t believe they’re making you fly to England without a vacation."

"Bali was our vacation. England is somewhat of a vacation-we get our own house."

"I know, Susan was telling me. It’s gonna be great for you."

"Hey, you get to go to college! You’re going to be a college student in, what, a week?"
"Nine days. Yeah, I’m excited but scared too. I mean, I’ll be starting college. It’s all just a lot to take."

He leaned over and swung his leg over the ledge to face me. We both had one leg hanging down toward the door and the other dangling over the side of the hotel, "But it’s college, that’s pretty cool."

"Yeah it is. I just feel like I’m not ready for it. I mean I know I have the academic credentials to go but I don’t know if I’m mature enough and stuff. I don’t know, I’m just being weird I guess."

He really seemed to care what I was saying and looked straight into my eyes as he talked, "No, I can see where you’re coming from. That’s gotta be a scary thing. You have to move away from everything you know and stuff. Though if I could add my two cents, I’d have to say that you’re definitely mature enough to go." He inched a little closer, "You have more patience and maturity then a lot of people I know that are going to college. A guy we used to know started college two years ago and he was so much less of a person than you and he made it. You’re gonna do fine."

"I know. I just can’t shake the nerves. I’m going to be a walking basket-case for the next nine days." I laughed a little, "I’m going to get so lost there. I’ve been to the campus before but I know I’m going to get lost."

"You won’t get lost, you’ll do fine."

I smiled at him, "Thanks, I’m going to miss you. You guys better rock in London or I’m gonna be so angry. I can’t wait to hear it."

He laughed, "We haven’t even recorded it yet. I’ll call you and play you the songs over the phone."

"Thanks. I’ll sit by the phone, waiting. Speaking of that, your mom said she’d call my house to get my new phone number at the dorm before she left for England."

The silence that followed was a bit discouraging. I let my legs swing back and forth, "You do realize that if your parents found us out here they’d kill us, right?"

"Why? I don’t think they’d mind their oldest child dangling from the thirty-seventh floor of the hotel, do you?"

"Oh, no. Not at all." I smiled, "Hey, what time is it? Are the little rug rats ready for bed yet?"

"Yeah, they were just pulling their pajamas out when I came out here so they should be getting ready to find you soon."

I started to swing my leg over the side to jump down, "Well we better go then."

Isaac surprised me when he grabbed for my wrist to help me down. I wasn’t sure what to think so I just smiled and self-consciously pushed a hair away from my eyes. Of course, I wanted to scream out, I love you. Marry me! But I thought that would be a little forward. He kept his hand on my wrist until he had to let go because, well, we both couldn’t go through the door together. We were standing in the doorway, talking when Mackenzie came in.

"Hey Mackenzie, what are you up to?," I stepped forward to talk to him.

"Tay needs to talk to Ike. He’s in your room." Isaac crossed behind me and pressed his hand against my back to move me forward, "Sorry, I’ll be right back." He walked to Mackenzie and without even slowing down, bent down and scooped him into his arms. Damn, no one should look that good. There really oughta be a law.

I went about my task of getting ready for bed. I went to grab my pajamas but remembered the TOT’s friends were staying in the hotel and I thought seeing me in my P.J.’s was not something they’d really want.

I walked down the hall to see how the kids were doing. The two girls were sitting on the floor, drawing, "Hey, you guys want me to read to you? I think it’s getting near time for bed."

"Yeah, my mom has a book in her room; I want you to read that one."

I knocked on Mr. and Mrs. H’s door and asked for the book. "It’s not very long but they like it." I looked at the cover, Oh! The Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss. Interesting choice. I scanned the book as I walked back to the girls’ room. The girls were piled onto their bed but it dawned on me that Mackenzie was nowhere in sight, "Wait a second, where’s Mack?"

Avery rolled her eyes, "Where else would he be?"

So off I went in search of the missing Hanson child. I knocked on the TOT’s door, hoping that he wouldn’t make too much of a fuss about having to go to bed. Taylor answered the door, "Hey Sam."

"Do you have a certain refugee 3 year old in here? He’s wanted at the other end of the hall for jumping his bedtime curfew."

Taylor looked over his head at the clock on the wall, "Wow, it’s that late already? Hold on, let me get him." I stepped into the room a little and heard Mackenzie’s pleas to stay up with the guys. I waved to everyone in the room and took Mackenzie’s hand, "Come on Sweetie, I know you don’t want to go but if you don’t it’s my head your parents are going to ask for if you stay up."

One last feeble attempt to stay was offered but I had to tell him no. We walked back down the hall, "I’m really sorry but you know the rules. Besides you’re gonna be back in your own bed in two days."

He looked up at me with his big, puppy dog eyes, "Yeah but my brothers won’t be there. Dad’s going too."

"I know Sweetie, I know. You’ll see them again next week though. They’ll miss you as much as you’re going to miss them. Tell you what, if you let me tuck you in and let me read the story quickly, I’ll get your brothers to come in and say goodnight to you."

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart." The story wasn’t too long. Keeping up with the tongue twisting rhymes that Dr. Seuss is famous for was a bit difficult though. I had to read one line four times before I finally got it right. The children thought that was incredibly funny. I left the bathroom light on and shut the door when I heard a little voice speak up, "Sami? You promised."

"I know I did. I’ll be back." As I shut the door I could hear him and his sisters whispering about my "promise."

I trudged down the hallway once again and knocked on the door. The guys’ friend Rebecca answered the door, "Hey, can I talk to the guys for a second?"

"Ummm....yeah, hold on a sec."

I waited in the hallway til all three boys were out in the hallway. Zac was gnawing on a Twizzler and Taylor was carrying a soda. "What’s up?"

"I know you guys want to be with your friends but can you just go in and say goodnight to Mack. He’s kind of bummed that you’re going to England, I think he wants to go with you. As much as he loves Jess and Av’ry, I think he wants to go with you guys."

Taylor put his can of soda down on the floor, next to the door, "Yeah, we’re not looking forward to having to say good-bye tomorrow either."

I followed them down the hallway and Zac said, "That’s the only bad part traveling is when they can’t come with us."

Isaac, the voice of reason, added, "Yeah, but they need the rest though. I caught Jess falling asleep at lunch yesterday."

"Yeah, well, tomorrow isn’t going to be a good day for them. I’ll see you guys later, ok?"

They turned back to me, "You’re not coming in?"

"No, you guys go. I need to change anyway. Goodnight."

I called my family when I got out of the bathroom from changing. I needed to give them the flight information and when my plane was landing. I was watching television by myself when I someone knocked on the door. I crawled across the bed and went to answer it, "Hey. Did they like it that you went to say goodnight?"

Isaac smiled, "Yeah, Mack answered the door. He was waiting for us."

"That little devil. I told him to stay in bed," I was smiling though.

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing much. I was watching TV but there really isn’t much on. Where is everyone?"

"Our little party got dispersed by Susan. She wants us to get some sleep before tomorrow."

"She’s right. You do need sleep. Tomorrow is going to rock though. I can’t wait."

"Neither can I. I’m not in the mood to go to bed yet though. I’m too psyched to sleep."

"Well you can watch TV with me if you want." I backed into the room and grabbed the clicker before he could get it though, "Not on your life. Do you really think I want to watch you channel surf all night?" He stuck his tongue out at me.

We sat and watched in silence for a little while. I channel surfed before I finally handed the clicker over to him, "Here you try and find something worth watching."

"Gladly." And so we were off. My eyes were straining to focus as he flew through channels.

We laughed and joked for a while. We were talking about the songs they did before Middle of Nowhere. I had still not heard either Mmmbop or Boomerang so Isaac was kind of telling me what the CDs included and stuff.

"So I’ve heard that the first song you wrote was about the rain?"

"Yeah, kind of. I’ve always had song ideas in my head, that was just the first one I wrote down." He amazes me; He’s so casual about songwriting, like it’s no big deal. But I guess if it comes naturally to you, you don’t think much about it.

He went on to talk about Boomerang and how Mmmbop was really the first CD that was all stuff of their own, no covers. He told me the stories behind a few of the songs and what they were about.

"Would you sing one? Kind of hum it or something?"

"Which one?"

"I don’t know, what was that one about crying or something?" I had my chin on his shoulder, trying not to fall asleep.

"Umm....Two Tears? That one?"

"Yeah, any one really. I don’t care." I grinned mischievously, "I just want to hear you try to hit the high notes you once could."

"Gee, thanks." I thought he wouldn’t sing after my little slam but he cleared his throat and started singing for me. I was blown away, first at the fact that he was singing to me and that he was so good. Not that Isaac ever sounds bad but I guess it just shocked me a little that it sounded so good to me. The song was amazing, I can’t believe how much talent they all had at such young ages. He was looking at the blank TV screen, singing quietly. I loved it, I had him all to myself. No screaming girls, no nagging people wanting him for some reason or another. I wondered what the song sounded like with music. It wouldn’t be as good as Isaac doing it off the cuff but I wondered what the music sounded like. I started to get tired and stifled a yawn.

He turned to face me, "You should get some sleep."

"No, I’m fine. Really, I can sleep tomorrow night. Have you worked on any more stuff for the Christmas CD?"

"Yeah, I have a few ideas in my head and Taylor and I were working on an idea a little while ago."

"What does it sound like?" He looked a little confused, "Which one? The one Tay and I were working on?"

"No," I sat up and faced him, "I heard you fiddling with your guitar the other day. I walked by your room with Avery and Mackenzie when I heard it. You were sitting on your floor, playing."

"Why didn’t you ask what I was playing then? I wouldn’t have been mad."

"No, we didn’t want to disturb you. You really looked like you were trying to get a beat right, I think. It was slow though, not fast at all."

"Oh, yeah. I know which one you’re talking about. Yeah, I was fooling around. It doesn’t have words yet but I have a sound in my head for it."

"Well, it sounded good. Whatever it was."

"Well, umm...stay here for a second. I’ll be right back."

As soon as he left the room, I curled up in a ball on the bed and stared at the door. I was humming Two Tears when he got back with guitar in hand. He closed the door behind him and sat Indian-style on the carpet in front of the bed. I slid forward so I could see him.

"Here. It’s not much yet but I think it’s going to be something soon."

I smiled and quietly said, "Thank you." The smile he returned was enough to put my heart at ease. He looked so right sitting there-like he was built for music or something. He can rock a huge amphitheater just as well as he can also play someone to sleep. His head was bent down over the guitar and he started to play a few chords. They were a little jagged and his fingers weren’t quite as fast as he would have liked them but it was incredible to say the least. I sat up and crossed my legs to listen more intently. I could tell he had words in his head but he wasn’t singing them. He started mouthing a few words but I couldn’t make them out. I quietly got off the bed and went for my notebook. I took the hotel pen and pulled the cap off with my teeth. I put both on the floor in front of him and he smiled. He stopped for a few minutes and leaned forward to jot down some random marks. I sat back down on the bed and soon I realized he was in his own world. I crawled back into a ball on the comforter and watched. It was quite enjoyable actually, I don’t think he even knew I was there anymore. It was like he shut the world out around him. His eyes focused on the paper then back to the neck of his guitar. He put the pen in his mouth as he attempted getting a chord to come out the right way. His sonorous strumming was the last thing I remember from that night.

I woke up the following morning with a pillow under my head and the comforter wrapped around me. I have no idea how it happened but I was content. I looked down at the floor and the guitar was still there but Isaac was nowhere to be found. He must have gone back to his room. I got ready for the day quickly and went out to the hall to find out how everyone else was doing. I walked down to the kids’ room and they were in various stages of getting ready. Avery didn’t want to stay in her room so I let her tag along with me while I went in search of the TOT. Their room had music blaring out of it so they were obviously awake. We walked up to the open door and knocked. Zac came around the corner and smiled, "Good morning."

"Hey, is Isaac in here?"

"Yeah, he’s tying his shoes." Just as he finished talking Isaac came up behind him, "Mornin’"

"Hey." Zac wanted to show Avery something so she was long gone before I even noticed she wasn’t standing next to me, "When did you finally go to bed?"

"When you started snoring." Oh no, how embarrassing. I cringed a little, "Was I really loud?"

"No, you were fine. You yelled at me when I tried to wake you up though."

"Why did you wake me up? I don’t remember waking up."

"That’s probably because you didn’t fully wake up-just enough to yell at me for waking you. I was trying to give you a pillow and you grabbed it out of my hand to told me to ‘Go to Hell.’ I found it quite humorous actually."

"Well I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you and thank you for giving me the pillow. Your guitar is still on my floor if you’d like to pick it up."

"Yeah, come on. I need to give that to Susan anyway. If I forget it, we’re in big trouble." While we were walking down the hall I asked about the song, "Did you get anymore of it written?"

"Yeah, I got some words down too. Thanks for the notebook; I left it on your table, I don’t know if you saw it or not. I just ripped out the pages I wrote on."

"Thanks. I’m glad you got some more written down. It sounded really good last night."

He laughed, "How do you know? You were passed out cold."

"No, I listened for awhile. It sounded really good. All kidding aside, it did."

Breakfast went smoothly; my and the guys’ luggage was put in a van ready for the airport. The guys, Mr. Hanson, Susan and I were all going to the airport directly after the concert. Mrs. Hanson and the rest of the brood stayed at the hotel and their flight was not until the following morning. I took tons of pictures of the children to remember them. Not that I could forget them but I liked the thoughts of having keepsakes.

The day went without many mistakes. The guys had a few interviews in the morning and the concert started in the early afternoon. The crowd was so loud but it was great to see so many people excited. The guys were bouncing off walls they were so thrilled. You could hear the crowd chanting from anywhere in the building and probably inside the surrounding buildings as well. The friends from Tulsa had almost front row tickets but the rest of the family and I were given seats inside a little enclosed area in the center of the floor. It was awesome but SO hot!! I thought I was going to die from the heat in the building. The guys taped not only the whole concert but they taped the live video for I Will Come To You that afternoon. When the guys got off-stage to change and relax for a second before starting the taping of the video we went backstage to see them. They were beyond ecstatic. I stayed backstage with the children while they taped. The children were going to go back to the hotel after they were given the chance to say good-bye. That was a hard time but it was nothing like saying good-bye at the airport.

I hugged all the children after they said good-bye to their brothers and father. The boys and Mr. Hanson had to do an interview in the limo so I was taking a cab to the airport with Susan. "Bye guys. I’ll talk to you in a few days. Just think of how good it’s going to be when you get home." The mood was solemn, even with my attempts at lightening it. The children were not too bad. They all gave me hugs and then we were off. I waved to Mrs. Hanson and said, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For giving me the opportunity to see the world."

"Well we got to see it right along with you. It was our pleasure. I’ll let the kids call you when we get home." She looked over at them, "I know they’ll feel better when they get to sleep in their own beds."

"They will." Susan was quietly but frantically signaling me to hurry up, "I’ll see you later, bye." We all but sprinted out to the taxi and then it was off. The airport is always a great place, I love it. It’s the start of a new adventure. For me it was college and for the guys it was recording. We met up with Mr. Hanson, the guys and Jason somewhere in the back of the airport. It was similar to the back room when we first left for London two months before. We didn’t stay long because their Concorde flight was leaving in a matter of minutes. Mr. Hanson was looking through his bag searching for the passports and Jason, Taylor and Zac were talking. Isaac came up to me while Susan went to talk to Mr. Hanson. "Hey, did you say good-bye?"

"Yeah, it wasn’t too bad. No tears or anything. Your mom said she’s going to call when they get home."

He made a reserved, "Hmmmm" sound. I didn’t really say anything. I put my bag down on the floor in front of me, "I’m gonna go say good-bye to the others, I’ll be right back." He didn’t say anything, just nodded his head.

Good-bye to Taylor and Zac wasn’t too hard. Mostly because Zac was making me laugh. I didn’t really have time to think about the fact that I probably wouldn’t see them again. Mr. Hanson just smiled and said that he’d talk to me later. Susan gave me a hug and Jason shook my hand. I had said good-bye to Bob and Louis at the theatre. I was definitely going to miss those two, they were funny. I took a deep breath and walked back to Isaac. "Hey, I should go. Susan just gave me my tickets and my gate is on the other side of the airport."

"Yeah, I know..." His voice kind of trailed off. He didn’t really say anything for a few seconds, "Umm....you’re going to call, right?"

"Your mom is going to call for my number at the dorm before she leaves for England." I wish I could have called but no one knew the number yet, so it was up to them. I sighed a little, "Well it was a great summer. Thanks for the memories. You’re going to have so much fun in England." I could feel the tears starting to well up but I fought hard to keep them down. I didn’t want to start crying in front of him but I couldn’t leave yet either.

Jason and the others starting congregating towards the door at that point. "So is that it?," He sounded a little bitter.

"I guess so. I have to get going. Don’t worry, you’re going to be so busy by tomorrow that you’re going to forget all about me." I tried smiling and passing it off as a joke but it didn’t really work.

"Trust me, Sam. I’m not going to forget you."

I smiled again, "Thanks. I’ll never forget this summer. It was probably the best of my whole life. I’ll never forget you either." Fighting the tears was getting harder. Susan signaled for us to hurry up so we could go, "We’ve got to go." I picked up my bag and turned. Something made me stop for a second. Millions of thoughts were going through my mind at that point, most of them making me realize that I was most likely never going to see Isaac again. Somehow my brain took that as a reason to do what I did next. I don’t remember turning around and I sure as heck don’t remember leaning forward. All I can remember is pressing my lips against his for about three split seconds. It felt amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. I didn’t really stop to think of it at that point. I shocked myself by being so bold. The image that will be ingrained in my head forever was the look of shock in his eyes. I fumbled with my bag and all but ran out the door. I kept my eyes cast down at the floor as I hurried past the curious glances of the others that were in the room. I didn’t get very far when a vice grip attached itself to my arm. I was spun around before I knew what was happening. The eyes that were shocked only moments before were now a few inches from mine and angry to say the least. The voice was not pleasant either, "What was that for?"

I snapped out of my euphoria and stuttered, "I...I..don’t know."

"Why?" His eyes were cold. He was hurting my arm also but I don’t think he even knew it.

"Why what? Why did I kiss you?" I backed away a little, "God you’re dense, Isaac." I got defensive and lashed out, "I’m sorry but if you haven’t figured out that I have a huge crush on you then you have to be the dumbest person I’ve ever met."

He didn’t say anything. His eyes relaxed, they weren’t as cold as they were. It looked like he’d been slapped. He was baffled and I wasn’t sure what to think about it.

Jason came up behind him and was trying to get Isaac to hurry. Isaac’s grip of my arm slowly relaxed until he let go. He looked a little defeated, his whole body was slumped and looked as if it had the life sucked out of it. For a split second our eyes locked. My breath was taken away when I realized the severity of the situation. Dear Lord Sami, you just admitted it. Jason grabbed hold of him and pulled us both back to reality; The quiet serenity of my mind was corrupted by the harsh sounds of the airport. I didn’t really think I was leaving. I guess for a few short moments, I thought he was coming back for me. I blinked a few times and took one last look at him before I fled. I had to get away, I couldn’t deal with him and everyone else leaving. I had no idea which way I was going, I just kept walking. I accidentally bumped into a man but my apology was just an automatic sound that came out of my mouth, there was no feeling behind it. I didn’t care who I walked into or where I was going, I just wanted out. I felt like a fool and an idiot. After a few minutes I began to realize how heavy my bag was and dropped it to the floor. Sometime after I started walking, the tears came; I don’t know exactly when, I just remember wiping them away. I stopped in the middle of the airport only to get nasty looks from people. I didn’t care, I searched for an information monitor above my head and strained to read it. The tears prevented me from seeing clearly and I frantically tried to clear my eyes. Finally, I was able to read it and picked my bag up. I trudged to my gate and collapsed into a metal chair. God only knows how long I was sitting there; My sense of reality had slipped a bit. I dragged my bag across the floor when I realized the droning voice over the loudspeaker was calling my flight number. The clerk at the gate was going to say something to me about my dragging my bag but became extremely concerned when she saw that I was crying. Her face went from snobby to caring in a split second, "Oh my God! What’s wrong? Are you hurt?" I laughed to myself a bit, "No, I’m not hurt. Thank you." I took my boarding pass and started walking down toward the plane. I wish I were hurt. At least I’d be able to heal. You can’t mend a broken heart. There are no Band-Aids to tape across a heart. I found my seat and silently prayed that no one was sitting next to me. I normally don’t like the window seats but for some reason the dark sky was comforting. Apparently word had spread about me around the flight crew because a stewardess timidly leaned across the seats toward me and asked, "Umm....can I get you anything?" I sighed and turned my head, "Yeah, do you have anything to mend a broken heart?" I smiled at my feeble attempt at humor. The woman looked horrified, "Oh God, I’m so sorry. I wish I had something, really I do." I tried to put her at ease, "No thank you. It’s okay, I’ll be all right. Do you have any tissues though?"

"Oh, of course," she snapped out of her comforting mode and hurried to get me tissues.

I turned back to look out the window. Maybe I’m blowing this totally out of proportion? I thought, Maybe I’m being unreasonable. I figured I deserved at least a little while to indulge in self-pity so I went back to staring out the window and crying. The stewardess came back with tissues and then made herself scarce. The rest of the flight I was pretty much left alone. I went through every emotion possible-from hurt to angry and everywhere in between. I stared out at the window and let the tears run down my cheeks. I licked my lips and wondered it if was worth it. Was it worth it to ruin a great friendship for three split seconds? My mind wandered back to the shocked look on his face. At least he didn’t laugh, I thought, I guess that’s a good thing. I walked to the bathroom just before the plane landed and tried my best to look presentable for my family. I didn’t really want to talk about anything but I knew my family would have tons of questions. I made it through the ride home and the rest of the night surprisingly well. I got up from the dinner table and excused myself by saying I was tired and needed sleep. I laid down in bed and stared at the wall. I stayed like that for at least three hours before I finally succumbed to the impending sleep.

Chrissy and I were standing in my room the next day, "Sam, what the Hell is wrong with you? You are totally out of it."

I turned to face her, "I’m sorry. I guess I’m just a little tired."

"Bull Sam, I’ve seen you take final exams on thirty minutes sleep for five nights straight. Don’t lie to me, I know you too well." That did it. The tears started. I just started blubbering and babbling incoherently. "Oh my God Sam, what the Hell happened?" I tried my best to explain and she listened well. "Well I have to congratulate you for kissing him. I didn’t think you had the guts. We all had bets going to see which one of you would crack first. I guess that means Taylor won."

My head snapped up, "WHAT?!?! You talked to TAYLOR about me?!?!"

She laughed, "Oh please Sami. Don’t get mad at me. He was the one who started talking about it. He was ready to kick Isaac’s butt for being such an idiot when we first got there and we wanted to slap some sense into you. We compared notes and I guess it worked."

I started whimpering again, "It didn’t work though. He left, he’s not here."

She laughed again, "Sam, what did you expect? Him to fall to his knees and beg for you? Get real. He’s male, he’s not that smart. You kissed him while everyone was watching right?"

I thought about it for a second, "I don’t really know if they were watching but we were in the room with a bunch of other people."

"If Taylor saw you then I guarantee he’s having a similar conversation right now. Guaranteed."

"Chrissy, I could kill you for talking about me behind my back" I wiped my eyes with a tissue.

"Sam, when did Isaac stop acting like a jerk? After Taylor talked to him, right?" It all made sense once she started talking, "If we hadn’t talked. Isaac would have continued being the jealous idiot."

"Thanks but that still doesn’t solve my problem. He’s still in England and I’m still here. God only knows where he’s going to be after London."

"Well Sam, I can’t help you with that. We warned you two months ago to be careful when you left with them. It’s up to you two, I can’t do anything about that."

"I know. You can’t help who you fall in love with though." Chrissy just shrugged. I knew she couldn’t do anything anymore than anyone else could.

The day got better after that. I ventured outside of my room and even let Chrissy rent a movie. That night most of my friends were sitting in my living room watching an old, horror movie. Chrissy told everyone what happened and they were smart enough to not ask about it. They were a bit reserved but still friendly.

A few days after I got home, I was running through the house with shopping bags in my hands when my brother called to me from the living room. I dropped the bags in the hall and walked into the room. Jamie was sitting on the couch and he tossed me a package. It was a large manila package that looked like it had a video tape in it. The writing didn’t look familiar but I tore into the package anyway. I pulled out a video tape and a piece of notebook paper.

Samantha, I knew you wanted a copy of this so here you go. Hope to talk to you soon. Mr. H

Jamie was looking at me from the couch, "What is it?"

I flipped the tape over but it wasn’t labeled. "Umm...I think it’s the concert in Canada but I’m not sure."

I put the tape in the VCR and Jamie and I sat on the couch as he pressed play. It was the tape from Toronto. Mr. Hanson apparently made a copy of the concert for me and Jamie and I sat and watched it.

"God, does he jump like that at a lot?," Jamie was eating a bowl of ice cream and commented on Taylor

"Umm...sometimes, yes. He just has a lot of energy."

He took the spoon out of his mouth and was pointing it at the screen, "You know if he doesn’t knock it off he’s gonna topple those keyboards over."

I laughed, "I think they’re bolted to the floor for that reason. He broke his tooth on a microphone when they were in Germany for the first time."

I thought Jamie was going to swallow the spoon, "Are you serious?" He stopped for a second, "Which tooth? I didn’t notice it."

"His front tooth. They fixed it so you don’t notice it. Don’t say anything to him, I don’t think he even knows that I know."

Later that day my mother got a phone call from Mrs. Hanson. I was out of the house for most of the night but when I got home, I noticed the note my mother left on the table.

Mrs. Hanson called. She wants to talk to you tonight if you get home early enough. If not, give her a call in the morning.

About eight million thoughts went through my head. She wants to give me the phone number in England. Haha...dream on Samantha. She heard about what I did at the airport. She wants to yell at me for kissing her son. I was convinced that Mrs. Hanson had heard and was going to hate me forever and never let me see any of them again. I thought about calling her that night but considering it was after midnight in Boston and after eleven in Tulsa, I decided to wait until the morning. I didn’t get much sleep that night. All I could do was worry about what she wanted to talk to me about.

Chapter 27

How do these things always happen to me? Why can't I fall for normal, non-famous people? Even someone who lives in the same time zone as me? I was sitting on my bed, thinking of ways to apologize for my behavior at the airport. Maybe I'll just say I had a muscle spasm and my lips just happened to touch his? Or, maybe I'll just say that my friend dared me to do it?

I was stressing and when I stress I get the urge to bake. So three hours and four batches of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies later, I still had no solutions. The family was kind enough to take me with them on a trip that ultimately changed their lives and my life as well and I repaid them by betraying their trust and annihilating their faith in me. I felt about as big as a gnat that morning. Standing in my kitchen munching on warm cookies, I came to the realization that I had to tell her the truth. Mrs. Hanson was not a stupid woman and she'd probably just want some explanations. My brain was flying at a million thoughts a second. I paced back and forth barefoot mumbling to myself; "I'll tell her the truth and say that I have no idea what happened that afternoon and that it will never happen again…" I stood motionless. That was the difficult part, I wanted it to happen again; more than anything, ironically enough. Isaac wrote that song and now it took on a whole new meaning for me. He sings about loving a girl and wanting to give her anything just for her love in return. That morning I was the one humming that song, not him.

I picked up the phone and dialed the number that Susan had given me before I left. I was quietly praying that Mrs. Hanson wasn't going to yell at me while I heard the ringing. After the third ring, Mrs. Hanson answered, "Uh…hello?"

"Mrs. Hanson? It's Samantha. You called?"

"Oh, yes. I'm sorry. You called Mr. Hanson's cellular phone and I couldn't understand who would be calling." She laughed a little bit, "I was sitting at the table drinking tea and trying to figure out why my purse was ringing."

"Oh, I'm sorry. This is the number that Susan gave me. I thought it was your home number."

"No, it's okay." She cleared her throat a bit, "I called to talk to you about something." The amusement in her voice left and I cringed visibly. "I'm sure you know why I'm calling…"

"Yes, I do." I really didn't know what to say after that. How do you apologize for something like that? There really is no Hallmark card for it though I wonder what it would say if there were one, "I'm sorry for mauling your son in public. I'll be sure to keep my hormones in check from now on."

I could hear Mrs. Hanson take a deep breath on the other end of the phone, "I don't really know what to say, I guess this is between you and Isaac but I do feel I have the right to voice my opinion. You are a wonderful girl and Mr. Hanson and I feel we made the right decision bringing you with us this summer. I'm really not sure what to say about what happened in the airport. When Mr. Hanson called me to tell me what had happened I can't say I was shocked we both knew that there was something between the two of you." I just started blushing from total embarrassment. It was really an awkward moment for the two of us. "Isaac is old enough to make his own decisions but I do ask that you two talk about it and realize the severity of what could happen. Mr. Hanson and I try to keep the children's lives as normal as possible but it is hard sometimes."

"Mrs. Hanson I'm sorry for the way I acted and I would like to speak to Isaac about it. I really don't know what happened…" I shrugged my shoulders, at a loss for words.

"Umm...Sam, I think you know what happened." She laughed a little.

"Well, yeah, I know what happened but I don’t really remember…um...if you don't mind, can I talk to Isaac about this? Not that I don't like talking to you but it's a bit embarrassing." Mrs. Hanson found this quite funny and she started laughing out loud, "Sam, you are too much. You make me laugh. Yes, of course you can talk to Isaac about it. From what Mr. H has told me he's been unbearable since you left. I hope you talk to him soon because if he doesn’t snap out of it soon he's going to drive his father insane." I closed my eyes and thanked everything I could think of that Mrs. Hanson was so candid about it all. I did want to change the subject so I asked how the children were. "They're fine. They're at their aunt's house right now playing with their cousins but they should be home in awhile. Would you like me to have them call you when they get home? I know they're dying to tell you about everything that has happened since they left New York."

"Yeah, if you don't mind. I'd love talking to them."

"Umm…I'm not quite sure how to say this but the real reason I called was to ask was if you…I don't know how you would feel if I asked if maybe you'd consider coming to London with us."

I got off the phone in shock. I expected to have the phone cord wrapped around my neck but instead she wanted me to come to London with them. I couldn't even believe my good future. Unfortunately my excitement was short-lived.

"No. No way, Samantha this is your future. You cannot give up college to be a baby-sitter. Is that what you want to be for the rest of your life? I thought you wanted to be a journalist." My mother was dampening my spirits faster than a downpour.

I was trying to remain as calm as possible, "I don't want to be a baby-sitter but I do want to help them out for now."

My mother flipped, "Help *them* out?!? Samantha, they're multi-millionaires. They could pay for a fleet of baby-sitters. Why do they have to pick you? Why don't they pay for a professional to take care of their kids? Samantha, you leave for college in less than a week."

My calm was slipping, "What if I don't want to go to college?"

Oops…that did it. I thought my mother was going to go into cardiac arrest in the middle of the kitchen, "How could you say you don't want to go to college? That's what your father has wanted for all of you since you were born." I wanted to roll my eyes because I could feel the "I didn't go to college and I have regretted it since then" speech coming on. My brothers and I have been forced to sit through that speech since we were old enough to sit up in high chairs.

"Mom, it's not that I don't want to go to college but they've given me so much. I have the chance to see more of the world. I want to take it." I tried one of Zac's little ditties, "Instead of reading about all the places around the world, I can go and visit them."

Unlike the rest of the world, my mother wasn’t buying it, "You have the rest of your life to experience the world. Right now, your job is to go to college. What's going to happen to all the money your father and I have put into the school already? Are you just going to throw that away?" Uh oh, here comes the guilt "We've put almost your full semester's tuition into the school. We worked hard to give this to you."

"I don't know. I'll call the school and see if I can get it back or at least delay it for a year."

"And what happens next year? What happens when they're not ready to let you go and they want you to stay with them next year? She's pregnant, isn't she? Are you ready to give up the next 15 years of your life to baby-sitting that child?"

"Mom, that's unfair. Mrs. Hanson is a capable mother I just help her out a little. How would you like it if millions of people were trying to get to one of us? You'd want someone you trusted looking after us, wouldn’t you?"

My mother turned around and snapped back, "I would never put any of you in that position." Ouch. She stormed out of the kitchen to leave me to stew in my own anger. I heard her on the stairs and the proverbial slamming of her bedroom door.

I still had one chance to go and that was to get to my father before my mother did. Not that I like using the "daddy's little girl" method of persuasion but I felt it was necessary. I started pacing around the room, I can't seem overly obnoxious because he'll see through that but I have to get the point across…I have to get to him when he comes in the door also...

My persuasion worked only as far as my father not having steam come out of his ears or breathing fire out of his mouth. He wasn't happy but he at least offered to think about it. Granted I wanted an answer right then but I'd settle for anything other than an immediate no. I did contemplate packing my bags, taking my passport and just leaving (I was 18) but I knew that would only make more trouble than necessary.

I sat on the floor next to the heating vent that connected my parents' room and my room straining to hear what my parents were talking about. I knew that it had to do with me considering they had just gotten off the phone with Mrs. Hanson but I wanted to know if I had any chance of seeing any of the Hansons ever again.

"Leah, we can't make her stay here. She's 18. If she wants to go then we have to let her go. She's only going to hate us if we keep her here."

"I can't believe you. I thought you of anybody would back me on this. She's your daughter, John. You've been looking forward to her going to college since she was born. She's throwing her life away on this."

"No she's not. I don't think so at all. I think they are being more than reasonable about this. If she wants to put off college for a year or two we have to let her. She'll be happy, isn't that what we want above everything else."

I couldn't believe my parents were fighting over this. I just thought they'd smile and let me go. I felt incredibly guilty for pitting my parents against each other. I needed to get out of the house so I went for a walk to clear my head.

Walking back into the house, my parents were waiting for me. There was much crying and screaming but I won out. Needless to say there were way too many phone calls made between Tulsa, England and Boston. My parents let me go but it was a bittersweet victory, the family treating me like the plague for a few days. I lived in the house but for some reason the family just ignored me. The plan was that the Hansons would take me under their wing for at least a year. I had to be home for all major holidays though, my parents stressed that. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas I had to be home, in my house.

The next few days went by extremely fast. I had to pack for England while *unpacking* everything from college. Everything had been packed in egg crates and boxes because of lack of space in my suitcases. I had no idea how long I was staying in England Mrs. Hanson said, "You might want to pack for awhile." Another small problem, my passport, I had no idea where it went. It got me home from Japan but then disappeared. My room had been ravaged way too many times since then so I had no idea where it went. After six hours of exhausted searching, in the drawers under the bed and Zac's favorite hiding place-in the suitcase. I finally gave up, I walked down the stairs, tearing streaming down my face, "Mom, I can't find my passport. I can't go to England."

"Samantha, it's in the drawer." That's all my mother had to say, you know you all have them…"the" drawer. It holds everything-bills, important papers, pencils, pens, just about everything in the house has at some point been in "the" drawer. I walked into the dining room and sure enough my passport was sitting in the drawer staring up at me.

The plane ride was not the best. As most of you remember on August 30 Princess Diana died. I don't know how Mrs. Hanson got me plane tickets to England but she did. The plane was crowded beyond belief and there was a quiet understanding among all the passengers. I got to the airport and found a seat outside the gate. I opened an old copy of a magazine from the summer that the guys were on the front of. I was flipping through the pages, skimming until I found the article. I was reading when I realized the woman sitting next to me snickered. I was a bit confused but ignored it until she pointed to a picture of Hanson and said, "I can't believe them." I was totally floored, I thought, Umm…excuse me…mind your own business, but then my aggressive side took over. "Excuse me?" I was as snide and as obnoxious as I could be.

"Those kids, it's so horrible what's being done to them." Okay, why do I always end up sitting next to the fruitcakes?

"Hanson? They're good kids."

"Oh, I'm sure they're good kids but it's horrible what their parents are putting them through." Oh, no here we go again.

"Do you know their parents? How do you know they don’t love it?"

"How could they know what's going on? Look, look…" She pointed to the picture of Zac, "How old is he? 10?"

"He's 12 and he likes performing. He's an excellent drummer."

She rolled her eyes, "Oh please, he's 12." That was it. I flipped.

My eyes narrowed and I gave her so much attitude, "So…because he's 12 that means he's incapable of being any good at anything."

She looked me square in the eye and we proceeded to have WW3 in Logan Airport in NYC. "No but how can his parents condone this though? He's throwing his childhood away."

"Umm…no, I'm not going to do this." I slammed the magazine shut and grabbed my carry-on, "Ma'am I don't know who you are but you have no idea what you're talking about." I started to walk away but I turned back and stood in front of her. I leaned down a little and said, "I do have just a few words for you though." I sneered at her, "Beethoven, he was only six."

I had a stupid smile on my face throughout most of day. I had a window seat on the flight and kept to myself. I did successfully read my magazine without anyone attacking me though. That was a plus.

Airports usually have an exciting buzz, at least to me. When I got off the plane and into the airport there was nothing. There were no droned voices speaking over the intercom, infectious laughing or people talking much at all. People had these shocked looks on their faces; they talked a little softer and walked a little slower. It was sad. I kept thinking that this must have been what it was like when Kennedy was killed. I walked down the corridor, trying to find a bathroom to wash my hands. I found it and attempted to walk through the door. My bag got caught on the doorframe and I was almost squashed by the huge metal door. After putting the bag down and washing my hands, I turned to get a paper towel…only there weren't any. There was a white towel hanging from a dispenser. I must have looked like a total idiot staring at a towel, dripping water all over the floor. I was shocked. I had never seen anything like that before. I was amazed that people actually used *towels* in the bathroom. After I got over my shock I dried my hands in wonder. I must have still had a stupid look on my face because when Susan found me she asked, "What's with you?"

"They have towels in the bathroom."

She gave me this weird look, "Yeah, I know. And?"

"I've just never seen that before. I thought it was neat."

She laughed, "Samantha, you're a nut. It's a towel, let it go." Well I felt like a moron. Susan wasn’t finished embarrassing me either. Oh no, she wanted to make sure that I was thoroughly humiliated. Susan had a car waiting for us and she told the driver whom I assume she bonded with on the way to the airport. I wanted to crawl underneath the seat and stay there. First thing she told Louis when we got to the house was how fascinated I was at the airport. I was finished being embarrassed though; I just wanted Susan to come down with a severe case of laryngitis and a small case of amnesia. Everyone thought it was hysterical though. They laughed for hours about it. Every time Louis would look at me for the rest of the day he'd snicker.

Susan gave me an impromptu tour of the house. She showed me where my room was and pointed out the rest of the rooms. The family was nowhere to be found but as we got further down the hallway on the first floor, I could hear them. Zac was going off on his drums and you could feel the floor shaking a little by the time we got to the door. My stomach was flopping all over the place. I thought I was going to pass out but somehow remained conscious. I wanted to ask Susan if I could just go and unpack but I figured that would only make her more suspicious because I kept saying how much I wanted to see the children. She pushed the door open and I tried to hide behind her. I didn't really want to be seen but as soon as the door opened the kids came running. Much as I love them, they're not the quietest children in the world. You can't really "shush" them either. They were excited to me and I them but I really just wanted to get out of the studio. The guys were playing and really didn't hear the noise but I knew that as soon as they stopped they'd notice I was there. The girls were circling like sharks around my legs, looking for attention and Mackenzie was standing on a chair waving. Baby-sitter instinct took over and I motioned for him to get down. His face fell and he stopped waving.

I walked over to him, "Hey Mac, I'm sorry but you know that you're not supposed to be standing like that. You could fall and hurt yourself."

He turned very matter-of-factly and said, "Sam, I'm not a baby I know that! I just wanted you to see me."

I had to laugh, Mac was a trip sometimes, "I would have seen you if you had both feet on the floor. Just be careful, I don't want to see blood on my first day back, okay?" I winked at him. "Eww…Sammy, yuck." He scrunched his face up but I knew that he loved it. Mackenzie basks in attention.

The girls were just about ready to burst so I had to turn my attention to them. Jessica was talking incessantly and would not let Avery get a word in at all. Avery was watching her sister but you could tell she just wanted her to shush so she could talk.

"Jess, slow down. I can't even understand you." I put my hand over her mouth to try to get her to quiet down but she was not stopping. I tried another approach, "Jess, if you stop I can show you the things I brought for you." Those were the magic words. She clamped her mouth shut like a steel trap. Of course that meant that Avery nearly tackled me in her effort to get to the backpack strapped to my shoulder and I think Mackenzie borrowed Tarzan's vine for a few minutes because he came flying at me at the same time. "Okay, stop! One second…I need to get the bag off of my shoulder before you open it…Ouch! Avery! Mackenzie that's skin you're grabbing." They were ravenous. I inched closer and closer to the door, dodging the flailing arms. Mr. and Mrs. Hanson were watching the guys practice but with all the noise the children were making Mrs. Hanson turned around. She was not happy and walked over to assess the situation, "Excuse me. Remember me? Your mother? What is going on here? You look like a pack of wolves." They stopped dead and looked at each other for support. Avery, the self-proclaimed leader of the group, spoke, "Samantha said that she had things for us." Mrs. Hanson assumed the "mother" offensive position by putting her hands on her hips (not easy for a woman five months pregnant), "What things?" The children knew they were in trouble so they let go of my bag and assumed the defensive "doe eyes" formation. Avery lost the battle when she answered, very snottily, "That's what we were trying to find out!" I thought she was going to really go over the edge by rolling her eyes but she didn't. Mrs. Hanson was not happy about that comment at all. Her eyes got really big, "Really, is that right? Well, if you keep speaking to me like that you're never going to find out." She gave Avery the "lose the attitude" look. Jessica and Mackenzie backed away from Avery a little bit as if getting away from her saved them from being punished. Mrs. Hanson spoke to the other two, "Do either of you two have anything to say?" Eyes downcast, they mumbled their "no's." Mrs. Hanson sent them all to their room for an undisclosed amount of time. As they were walking out of the room I could hear them blaming each other, "You started it…No! Jess did…You were the one who jumped at her…Avery why'd you say that? Now we're all in trouble!" "Yeah, good going Av'ry!" Mrs. Hanson apologized for them; "I don't know why they're being so snippy. I think it's the lack of sleep though. The jet lag really did them in this time. They were zombies until you got here. I guess it's good that they were at least functioning." She nodded to herself, "It was like 'Night of the Living Dead' or something; they were zombies" She made a really funny, zombie face. I laughed.

"How come you're so awake then? Aren't you exhausted?"

"I'm the mom. I can handle six kids with a minimal amount of sleep. It's in the job description." We chatted for a few more minutes while I tried not to stare at "you know who." Mrs. Hanson leaned forward a little and said, "He's practicing now but tonight I'll try to corral everyone so you two can talk. There's no telling how he'll react to you but I know he'll be happy even if he won't admit it out loud." She rolled her eyes, "Men! They're so stubborn."

I found my way up the stairs and looked around to a bunch of closed doors. "Hey guys. Which room is yours?" Of course, they answered like any normal child would, "This one!" "That really doesn't help me because I can't tell which door you're hiding behind." Mackenzie opened his door and poked his head out, "I'm in here. I'm playing by myself because you got me in trouble!"

"I didn't get you in trouble, you know you aren't supposed to grab like that. Your mother had a right to punish you."

He tried brown-nosing, "But Sam you wouldn't have sent us to our room…"

"Yes I would. Don't suck up, I can't do anything about this. Your mother already made up her mind. You need a nap anyway, you look like you're about to fall asleep standing here."

Whining was his next try, "Please! Sam, come on. What if they play something really good and I'm not there?"

"Then you'll see it on video and hear it on the CD. Your dad is taping everything and if it's that good it'll be on the album. Now if you get some sleep you'll feel much better."

"I'm not tired." "You will be. Trust me."

"Which room is the girls'?"

He pointed across the hall and when I turned back around I got a face full of wood, "Mackenzie. Stop it! You know you need a nap so just give it up and get in bed."

The girls gave me basically the same treatment but somehow I got them to take at least a little nap.

My room was on the second floor but you had to go through the kitchen and up the back stairs to get to it. It was pretty cool; kind of like a second floor apartment. My windows faced out the back of the house and looked out on the fields on the backside of the property. I understood why no one else took the room after only a few seconds in the room. The floorboards shook with every beat of Zac's drums. The room was right above the studio the guys' were recording in. It wasn't that bad but it took a few minutes to get used to. I was keeping time with the beat without even realizing it half the time. By the end of our stay I could tell when Zac messed up. I attempted napping but gave that up after about an hour of lying on the bed staring at the wall. I was stressing once again. I walked back down the stairs to call my parents to let them know I made it and found Louis in the kitchen. Of course, he snickered when he saw me but got serious when he looked at me. "Sam, you look horrible," he said between bites of his sandwich. "Gee thanks, I luv you too."

"No, seriously, are you okay?" I was touched because he honestly seemed concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just really tired. I can't sleep though so I thought I'd come down and harass you guys."

"All right, but make sure you take time to get some rest. If you get sick we'll all get it and I don't want to see Chris' face when Zac starts sniffling."

"Yeah, I know. I'll sleep later. Where's the phone? I need to call my parents before they send out the National Guard."

"Hey, how did your parents take the news of you coming?"

"They flipped. I had a huge fight with my mother and we're still not really speaking right now. They'll get over it, they just need time."

I checked in the folks and wandered around the house. It was a large house that suited the family well. There was enough room for everyone to have their own space. I walked through a small room with a couch and a lamp sitting on a small table. It looked like the crossroads of the house because you had to go through that to get to the TV room from the kitchen. The hallway also lead into that room. I heard voices starting down the hall and I froze. Nothing much I could do without looking overly suspicious so I picked up the magazine sitting on the couch. Isaac and Taylor walked into the room as I was flipping through the pages.

"Sam! Hey!" Taylor was excited to see me, which made me feel a little better.

"Hey, miss me much?" I kept my eyes glued to his face.

"Yeah, you're all the girls have talked about since they got here. When did you get here?"

"We got here around 1:30 or so. I saw you guys playing, it sounds good."

"Were you in the studio? I didn’t even see you." Isaac was sort of holding his arm and standing back a bit. "I just stopped by for a few minutes. No big deal."

Taylor wanted to make himself scarce so he politely made up an excuse and left the room. I watched him leave and kept watching the door. "Hi." "Hey. You guys did sound good." I turned to look at him and he was staring at the floor.

Awkward silence

That was about the extent of our conversation. I think we were both so shocked to actually talk to each other that we were tongue-tied. I fled the room via the TV room and he went back down the hall.

Chapter 28

I was organizing my room when the thundering elephants came running up the stairs. There are fifteen stairs from the kitchen to my room, Zac and Taylor hit every one. At least once, if not two or three times. I thought they were going to come *through* the door leading to my room. "You two are nuts. I think my brother heard you and he's still in Boston." A little out of breath, Taylor said, "We raced from the girls' room."

I had to ask, "Why?" The two looked at me as if I had a flashing "idiot" sign on my forehead. Neither gave me a reply mind you, just a few shrugs.

Zac walked over to the front edge of my bed and flopped down on the comforter. He let out quite a howl. I cringed, "Sorry." I walked over to the bed and lifted the floral comforter; there was a wooden footboard underneath, "I'll try to warn you next time." Zac, nursing his sore backside was not amused. He sulked out of the room and thundered back down the stairs.

I felt bad, "Is he gonna be okay?" Taylor turned to the empty doorway, "Yeah, he'll be fine. He just likes milking sympathy." He walked over and gently sat down on the bed careful not to hit the footboard, "So have you talked to Ike yet?"

"No and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal life. I could wring your neck for talking to Isaac." He looked surprised, "Why? It's obvious he likes you and I know you like him." I laughed, "Oh and how do you know that?" I though he was going to laugh in my face, "Oh Sam, it's *so* obvious! I don't know why it took you so long to suck face with him anyway." I almost fell off the bed. "TAYLOR!!! I cannot believe you just said that." I was totally flabbergasted, "How? What? Taylor?!?" He was laughing hysterically, "Sam, your face is all red." "Well, duh! Taylor, if you even think of saying anything even remotely like that again, I'll wash your mouth out with Dove." "Yeah right, you don't have the guts. Besides you know it's true. We all had bets going as to when one of you was going to crack and make the first move." He sobered a bit, "Honestly, I thought Isaac was going to be the one to do it though then again he is a bit dense sometimes." We went on talking for quite awhile about how the recording was going and other new news about the guys. Apparently Zac suffered quite the whack on the head when a cameraman decided Zac looked much better lying on the floor than standing. The cameraman was shooting the boys for a television special and Zac needed to get a tissue and as he was walking back turned his head to speak to his father. The cameraman (who was also not watching where he was going) backed into Zac and gave him quite the bump on the side of the head. From what Taylor told me the poor cameraman sat in a chair and filmed there for the rest of the shoot. He wouldn't speak to anyone and refused to eat lunch. Can we say embarrassed?

Taylor and I walked back down to the kitchen to find out what the children were doing. I walked by Mrs. Hanson who informed me that my mother had called to make sure that I was okay. I painted a smile on my face and quietly remarked that I would call her back later. Mrs. Hanson let me almost get away with that. She almost let me out of the room before she called me back in to start the twenty questions, "What's going on? I don't want to start a family war. Every time one of us has asked about how your parents are dealing, you mumble that it was fine and change the subject. Follow me." We walked into the living room for privacy and by the look on her face it was obvious that she wanted answers. "My mother and I are in the middle of an argument, it's nothing serious so don't worry. It's between the two of us. We fight all the time but we get over it." "Sam, I just don't want to start trouble for you."

"Mrs. Hanson, I know you want to help but please just leave it alone. My mom and I fight sometimes but we always make up-" She cut me off by saying, "Sam, I just don't want-" I put my hand up to get to her stop talking.

Later in the day after we had all eaten dinner, I sat down with a cup of hot tea. I don't normally like tea but as the old saying goes, 'When in Rome…" Mrs. Hanson came to sit next to me on the couch while I read. She had a magazine but I could tell she didn't sit down just to read. After about ten minutes or so she casually asked if I had called my parents back yet. "Not yet. They're still not home from work yet but I will call them. Don't worry." End of subject. Unfortunately for me we were on to a more painful subject. "Have you seen Isaac lately?" I looked up from the book I was reading and looked over at her, "Nope, haven't seen him since dinner. We really haven't talked so I don't know what he's up to."

She was reading and pretending not to pay much attention to the conversation, answering with a half-hearted, "oh, okay." "Would you like me to go find him for you?" "Oh, no. I just wanted to know if you had seen him."

The nasty part of babysitting children is that you somehow before you even realize it you morph into some twisted version of your mother. I could here one of the upstairs doors open and slam shut while two pairs of feet came crashing towards the stairs. Before I knew what I was doing and without even looking up from the book I yelled, "WALK! You'll fall down the stairs if you don't knock it off." It took me a few minutes to realize that Mrs. Hanson was staring at me but at the same time I noticed she was looking I realized I was starting to sound like my mother. We both laughed quite heartily about that one. I swear sometimes I think the only reason they let me travel with them is for comic amusement.

"Isaac? Your mom wants you in the kitchen." He was sitting at the desk in the front room when I walked into the room. I started to walk back towards my reading spot when he called me back in. He had turned around in the wooden seat and was leaning his arm over the back of the arm of the chair, "Do you know what she wanted me for?" "No, she just said she wanted to see you." He continued looking at me so I wasn't sure if I should leave the room or stay to see if he wanted something else. I stood in the corner of the room trying to blend in with the wallpaper. Moments like those are the ones you just want to forget. I was off in my own world thinking of whether or not my sweatpants and sweatshirt would really allow me to blend in with the wallpaper or not. Oh stop laughing, we all space out sometimes. Of course, I didn't realize I was spacing until I heard Isaac's voice pull me back. Snapping my head back to the desk I turned bright red with embarrassment, "Yeah? I'm sorry."

He really didn't say much else; he just laughed at me. Walking by, he brushed against my side a bit and I was somewhat overcome with sadness. I wanted to talk to him but it was hard because it was so embarrassing. Another lost opportunity to talk…

How do I keep doing this? I was mentally beating myself up when Isaac came back down the hall and scared me back into reality. "Damnit Isaac!! You just took ten years off my life! Warn me when you sneak up on me like that."

Laughing through his braces he said, "But then we don't get to see you jump three feet in the air like you do." I swatted at him and he ducked just in time. I took a deep breath and calmly walked back toward the book lying open on the couch. We can be civil to each other. Yes. I turned my eyes upward and said a quick silent thank you to whoever was listening to my prayers. "Sam? Where you goin'? I thought you might want to watch a movie. I guess Louis bought some movies for us to watch and we were going to start them soon."

My heart jumped about eighteen feet in the air but I calmly answered yes, "Where are you all watching the movies? I didn't think you had a VCR here."

"They hooked one up in our room. I think we're going to move it down to the living room tomorrow but this way if we get tired watching the movie we can just fall asleep."

"Your mother wants me to call my mom but I'll be up in a few minutes if you can wait." "Yeah we still have to make the popcorn anyway." And with that he was gone again yelling at Taylor to get the drinks. I fell back against the wall and just smiled. I wasn't sure how awkward it was going to be coming back but it seemed as though we could be the same way we were before.

"Mom? Mrs. Hanson wanted me to call you to say that we're doing fine and I'm okay." Unfortunately Mom was not in a good mood so we butted heads for a few minutes before I finally gave up and hung up the phone after a pathetic goodbye. I plastered a fake smile on my face and went out the side door through the kitchen. I was just standing in the driveway when Taylor leaned out the door to ask me to come in. I looked back at him and told him I'd be in in a minute but he insisted on coming out to see what was wrong. Unfortunately the driveway was not paved, just loose gravel and Taylor had no shoes on. All I heard were screams muttered under his breath and I am almost sure I heard him curse too. "Dangit. Ouch. Umm…hey Sam? What's wrong?" He was trying to keep his weight from moving to one foot without collapsing. I looked down at his feet and gave him that "what are you thinking?" look. He tried to act cool and folded his arms across his chest, "What?" He could have fooled me too if he hadn't grimaced when a rock shifted under his foot. Sit on the car, you're gonna puncture your feet and I don't want to be around when Chris finds out. He'll start screaming and I'll end up getting blamed for it somehow. I'll be known as the girl who broke up Hanson and scarred Taylor for life." Taylor was laughing and grimacing at the same time, "Sam. You're overreacting." Of course, he did sit on the hood of the car though, "You look sad out here. What's wrong?" "I don't know. Just tired, I think. I'm still jet lagged and all." I wanted to tell him about my mom but it just didn't seem right. Granted Taylor's a great guy but he can be a bit spacey sometimes. And, frankly, how do you open up to a person who is picking pebbles out from between his toes?

I was going to suggest going back inside but Taylor had other plans. He wanted to have a heart to heart and who was I to tell him no? Thirty-five minutes later we were still outside talking. I told him a little about my mother and he opened up to his fears about the recording. "It's just that we're going so fast. I'm so afraid something is going to go wrong and our voices will sound like chipmunks or they'll send the wrong cut out and it'll be a CD of our bloopers." I smiled, "You worry too much. There are an army of people around you who have to worry about those things so don't lose sleep over them." He interrupted and furthered his point, "I know but it's us that look like fools if it comes out wrong. We had so much more time the first time around." He put his hands up to his face and gave a sigh of frustration. I was starting to get a bit nervous for him. I'd never seen him so out of synch before. "Taylor, honestly, engineers have to worry about that stuff, not you. You can't worry about it all; you'll go nuts. I think you're just tired. Go in and get some rest. Maybe the movie tonight isn't the best idea." His shoulders slouched a bit, "No, I think it's just stress. After this we have a bunch of mall dates and stuff. I just didn't have any idea it would get to be so much so fast." Another sigh, "I'm sorry. I didn't know I was going to put all this on you. We should get inside now anyway." I pulled at his shirt as he slid off the hood of the car, "No, I want to talk about this. You need to talk about this." I didn't want to scare him or embarrass him by acting like his stress was a huge deal but I wanted him to understand that he really didn't need to worry about every little thing. "Taylor, people around you are paid very well to worry about the CD." I tried to make it humorous by adding, "Do you really think Chris would let anything happen anyway? He'd rather cut his arm off." He laughed a little and I relaxed.

Sitting out there felt good. It felt good to think of something other than Isaac for at least a few moments. Taylor was swinging his legs across the side of the car with his head bent down and his shoulders slouched. He looked sad but not crying sad, just sad in his heart. Taylor had always been the one who took things so seriously. I worry about the most. Isaac can rise about it all and Zac never lets anything get to him. "I'm a middle child and I always worry about not getting attention but you get *all* the attention. I guess I kind of envy you for that." He didn't look at me but spoke to the ground, "That's the problem though. I wish I were you sometimes. To be able to go anywhere you want and not worry about getting bombarded by people looking for autographs or pictures. I don't want to sound ungrateful but it just gets to me, you know?" He finally turned his head up to look at me. He looked so sad.

"Taylor, I wish you could be me some days. You all work so hard and you can never get away from your job. It follows you everywhere. If there was any way I could help you, I would. All I can do is just try to make you forget about your phenomenon for a few minutes and be anonymous." He smiled but I could tell it wasn't genuine, "Thanks. You do make things go smoother sometimes. You can stand up to Candace when we can't. That alone should get you nominated for sainthood." I playfully blushed and laughed. "I know your parents worry about you, all of you. I worry about you too. I fear so much, that one of you is not going to be able to take the pressure and crack. Not only that but I worry about the others too. This is hard on them too." Taylor turned and looked back at the house, "Yeah, they haven't snapped out of the jet lag yet and I can't help but worry about them. Is it good for the baby to travel this much? I mean, is the altitude from flying, like, sucking up its brain cells or anything?" "Taylor, now you're just being weird. Of course, it's not. Do you think your mother would endanger herself or the baby by flying? If it were even the slightest bit questionable, she'd stay home. I know she would. Now stop thinking so negatively." I patted him on the leg and slid off the car. He was a bit more reserved about letting the conversation go, "I just worry about everything. I just don't want to let anyone down."

"Taylor you can't worry about things you have no control over. You sing and play keyboards. After that recording tape leaves the studio there is nothing you can do, it's in someone else's hands. Everyone has problems, no one is immune to them and I honestly, hun, you're scaring me." He snapped out of his daze quicker than anything, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm not going to do anything drastic." I know Taylor too well. He was lying through his teeth. "Taylor don't you even try to pull that on me. You wanted to talk so spill it." I wasn't mad but I didn't want Taylor going back inside without getting everything out that he wanted to talk about. "Sam, I'm cold. Can we go back inside?" I folded my arms across my chest and narrowed my eyes a bit, "I can see right through you. Don't even try it." He tried another approach with his puppy dog blue eyes, "Sam, I'm cold. Please?" I saw right through it, "Nope. Just for that I'm not going to get your sneakers either. You can walk across the driveway in your bare feet." He stuck his tongue out at me but I was not amused. "I'm going to get something to drink. Meet me in my room in five minutes. If you're not there I'll drag you up the stairs by your hair." I turned to walk back into the house when I heard him speak, "You're funny when you're mad." I reached the door when I heard him slide off the hood and make a run for it. He ran as fast as he could across the rocks but it didn't do much good. He was still muttering curses under his breath when he jumped into the back hall.

Up in my room, I searched for my house-appointed mug. "Sam, you up there?" I walked over to the top of the stairs where Mr. Hanson was calling me. "Mrs. Hanson just wanted to make sure you were okay. It's getting cold out and I wanted to make sure you were all right. We wanted to make sure you didn't go walking this late." "No, I'm fine. Taylor came out and we were talking. Hey, have you seen my mug? I can't find it." He turned his head back toward the kitchen and surveyed, "No, I haven't seen it and it's not in here. What color are you?" "I'm metallic purple." "Nope. I'll keep my eyes open for it though." Due to the lacking in kitchen utensils someone decided on a system of use; everyone was given a color-coded mug to use for drinking. Heaven forbid if you were caught using anyone else's mug. No excuse was going to save you either, "Honest, I just needed a drink of water. We were playing basketball." Nope, didn't cut it. It was around the house faster than the wind that someone was drinking from someone else's mug. Even Mackenzie's doe eyes didn't get him out of it.

In the kitchen rinsing out "my" mug when Taylor came, "Are you really going to make me go upstairs? I'm tired." "Taylor I think we ought to talk but if you'd rather go to bed, that's fine." He thought for a minute and then shook his head, "You and your reverse psychology, I hate it." I finished getting my drink and headed up the stairs behind him. We were chatting away about his status of living at that moment and he just felt pressured. He wanted to make everyone happy and in the process was making himself miserable. They were all tired but knew there was really nothing they could do about it other than get as much rest as they could when they could.

I got Taylor to stop worrying at least for that moment and we were on to more upbeat conversations. "Hey, do you think they miss us yet?" I laughed, "I'm sure they're all sitting up in your room trying to figure out where you went. I'll give them about five more minutes and then they're going to start the movie whether you're there or not." I flopped down on the comforter into that comfortable "lying on your stomach, feet in the air" position, "Have you guys gotten any pictures developed from the summer?" Taylor rolled his eyes, "I think we should invest in Kodak stock. You know Dad, he's got the film on the way to the store when we're only halfway through the dang roll." He folded his arms and leaned back against the dresser, "You get yours developed?"

"Yeah, they're under the bed. I picked them up on my way to the airport actually. You guys didn't give me a lot of time to prepare for this trip." "Wasn't my idea, I didn't even want you to come back." Whack! Smacked right upside the head with a throw pillow. "You're gonna pay for that!" I held my hand up, "No! Look at all the stuff in this room. If you break it, you're mother will throttle you." He looked around, "Oh well." Then he threw it back at my head. "I want to look at the pictures." I scoffed at him, "Yeah right, after hitting me in the head with a pillow? I don't think so." I turned my head toward the wall teasingly. Of course he threw the blankets up, crawled under the bed to get the pictures and plopped down on the bed next to me. "Excuse me? What do you think you're doing?" "Looking at the pictures. I know you're not going to deny me. I am a famous musician, you know?" "Yeah, I know. We have to grease the door frames to get that gigantic head of yours through the doors all the time." I stuck my tongue out for extra emphasis. He pulled the pictures out of the plastic bag and frowned, "What? No photo albums? How rude!"

We were laughing at some pictures of Isaac trying to negotiate with a girl to let go of Taylor's tail. "That was funny. I remember that. Isaac was so funny, 'Please Miss, it's hurting him. Let go.'" Taylor almost fell off the bed laughing about the picture taken of him with his toenails painted. Zac and I were the only two awake one afternoon and we got bored so while Taylor was asleep on the couch, we painted his toenails with my Ice Pink Fantasy nail polish. It was fun; Taylor spent a half an hour in the bathroom muttering under his breath, scrubbing his toes with remover, "Taylor it could have been worse, I could have used my glitter nail polish. That stuff takes forever to come off." A few minutes later we heard footsteps on the stairs and soon saw Isaac materialize in the doorway, "Oh there you are." My laughter died on my lips when I saw him. Taylor kept it nice and light and asked him to join us. He declined and asked if we were planning on watching the movie. Taylor thought for a minute and looked over at me, "You wanna watch it or stay here?" Damn, the pressure, I was having fun with Taylor but I wanted to watch the movie with Isaac too. "Umm…I'm kind of comfortable here and I'm kind of tired. You guys go, I'll stay here," I smiled. Taylor climbed off the bed and headed for the door, "We'll finish looking at those tomorrow. I forgot you haven't gotten over the jet lag yet." Isaac hadn't left down the stairs, "You okay? You look pretty ragged." "Yeah, I'm okay. Just tired. I'll be in a better mood tomorrow morning. Tell the kids I said goodnight." We smiled at each other and he was down the stairs. I picked up the pile of pictures and put them on the rug.

Thump, thump, crash, "Shh...she's asleep! Go back downstairs." I opened my eyes to see all seven of the Hanson children trying to quietly walk down the stairs. "Way to be subtle guys. You can come back up. I'm awake now." The girls jumped onto the bed but Mackenzie wanted to be cool like his older brothers so he stayed across the room and even folded his arms across his chest like Isaac. "What are you all up to? Is the movie over?"

Avery answered, "It wasn't that great. The TV we have in the room is small too." Taylor jumped in, "So I told them about your pictures and we all wanted to come up here and look at them." We were all piled on the bed and passing pictures around though I did have to speak to Avery about his sticky, candied fingers getting on the pictures. We had a great time until Mr. Hanson came upstairs around 2 o'clock and sent everyone back to their rooms.

The next morning while I was getting my mug from my room Isaac called up the stairs. "Yeah, I'm up here." He ran up the stairs and I met him at the top, "What's up?" "Nothing, just wanted to see what you were up to." He moved into the room a bit so I gathered we were going to talk.

Chapter 29

How do you know? How do you know when your heart is breaking? I didn’t actually feel pain but I knew it was happening. It was as if I had this innate feeling inside of me that said, "This is it." He looked at me with his sad brown eyes and tried to break it to me slowly. He let it slip out of his mouth calmly, even took my hand as if that would comfort me, "Sami, I’m so sorry. I really am."

I snatched my hand away. I didn’t want to be touched. I wanted to be alone, alone with my thoughts for awhile. I didn’t say anything. Just stood up, walked over to the door and pointed down the steps. He didn’t argue but got up and walked towards me. He lifted his arms up as if to hug me but I turned my face away and shut my eyes to try to stop the tears. I quietly closed the door behind me, trying to stop all sound. If I stopped the sound, maybe I could stop the world. The world would stop and then I could reverse what happened. I knew better but I didn’t want to admit it. Leaning against the back of the door, I cried. Starting silently and then building until I was gasping for breath. I cried myself to sleep on the floor in front of the door; just curled up in a ball exhausted from my own tears.

It was time. She didn’t want to hear it but it was time. Time to move on with my life and let them go on with theirs. Mrs. Hanson was sitting with me on my bed and gently trying to get me to change my mind.

"No, I should go. I had a feeling when I was flying over that it wasn’t right. I was chasing after something that I know I can never have." I shook my head a bit and tried not to cry, trying to shake away the tears, "I’ll pack my things and be ready to go in a bit. Is Susan calling the airport? I’ll do it if she hasn’t called." I got off the bed and pressed the palms of my hands to my eyes. Pressing to ease the pain from the crying. "Are you okay? Can I do anything?" She didn’t wait for me to answer; she got up and took my suitcase from the corner of the room. I smiled to myself. I was going to miss her, miss everything. Miss it more than even I knew at the time. I let her pack away my things. Funny, I thought, I just finished unpacking last night. It’s sad how life turns in a split second.

It didn’t take long for word to spread around the house. Figures slipped up the stairs and around the corner to watch me gather my things. The children didn’t say much. There wasn’t much to say. After it looked like I had everything, I sat down on the bed and let myself be taken away by the thoughts in my head. I wasn’t thinking of one particular place or time. Just letting my mind take me where it wanted to go. Someone once told me that your mind protects itself. It hides memories that you cannot handle and when it knows you can, it lets them come to the surface and be remembered. It’s amazing, isn’t it? There are some memories that looking back now, I know I could not have handled that day, memories that surface at the oddest moments. Sitting at a red light in traffic or when looking up from my seat in class-they just come out of nowhere.

A creak of the floorboard brought me back to the present. Isaac was sitting at the top of the stairs looking at me "You okay?" I shook my head. My eyes filled up with tears I didn’t want to come. He stood up and sat down next to me on the mattress. "I’m so sorry." I stayed silent until I felt myself being crushed under the silence.

"Isaac, how could it happen? She was so little." Isaac had a purpose when he came into my room that morning. Apparently, my mother had called Mrs. Hanson and had given her the details. I still to this day don’t know why or how Isaac was chosen to be the one to tell me but he was. Nikki’s three-year old sister Vanessa had gotten food poisoning and it killed her. Isaac didn’t know all the details but there weren’t many that mattered. Essa, as I called her, was dead and nothing was going to bring her back, definitely not details. The funeral was two days after I had been broken the news. I was flying out as soon as I could. I had called Liz and we cried for an hour, "Liz, how are we going to do this?" There was a silence for a few minutes and then a small weak, "I don’t know Sami, I really don’t know." We talked about how close we all were to Essa because of how young she was. We were there from the time she was born and it just wasn’t fair that she was taken so young.

"Sam?" Isaac again had pulled me from my memory "You okay?" I was leaning my head down on his shoulder. I laughed a little bit, "Isaac you can stop asking me that. You act like I’m going to crumble right in front of you." I squeezed his arm a bit to further my point. "I’m worried about you." His brown eyes always had a way of making me feel better and looking into them it felt like it was really going to be all right, "I just want to make sure you’re going to be okay. I wish you would come back but I know you don’t want to." His eyes clouded for a second, "Is there another reason you’re not going to be coming back?" He sounded so little, so young. I thought for a minute. Should I tell him the truth or lie? I could say no and it would be a warranted answer. I decided to lie. I know it is the cowardly way to go but the truth was, I was a coward. I didn’t want to know the answer to the question that I wanted an answer to since the beginning of this whole Hanson journey. I wasn’t sure what the answer would be and I was too damn scared to ask for fear of rejection.

I sighed, "No there’s no other reason. I need to be there for Nikki and her family. They’ll be so crushed. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. They’re holding the funeral back until Saturday so that we can all get back home. Dana is driving down from Manchester and it looks like I may have to pick up Liz from school in Vermont. I’ll fly home and stay there for them. Nikki may drop out for the semester to stay with her mother. I know it’s going to be hard on both of them." I was rambling but I didn’t really know what to say. What do you say? Isaac squeezed my shoulder and pulled me closer, "Did you call Liz? I know she really loved Vanessa."

I smiled at the memories that came to mind, "Yeah, I did. She’s beside herself. Outside of Vanessa’s family, I think it’s going to be hardest on Liz. Essa was the sister that Liz never had."

"Sam if you need anything please let us know. I know mom will do anything for you." I sniffled and reached for another tissue, "Yes, I will. I promise. I need to get going though."

Isaac looked at me with surprised eyes; "Your flight isn’t for seven more hours, why are you leaving now?" I shrugged my shoulders, "I guess I just need to know that I’m getting closer to Nikki; to know that I’m getting closer to home." He didn’t get up when I picked up my last suitcase and my teddy bear sitting on top of it. I started down the stairs with the suitcase in my hands fighting back the tears that wouldn’t stop coming.

Standing in the kitchen was a bit difficult with so many people. Mackenzie thought it was nifty that he got to stand on the counter due to lack of room. Mrs. Hanson had made me sandwiches to eat on the plane but thinking of food was only making me nauseous. The children all said good-bye one by one. They were told earlier in the afternoon that I wasn’t coming back. They seemed quiet and not as boisterous as they normally were. Finally just as I was hugging Mackenzie I said, "Guys, come on! I’ll see you again. I’ll just be in the crowds screaming my head off for you." My eyes sparkled with mischief; "I’ll do the worst thing in the world I could possibly do…." They had taken the bait and all leaned forward wondering what I was going to do. I bent down to speak a devilish grin on my face, "I’ll go teenie." They giggled and it put me at ease. I hugged Mr. and Mrs. Hanson and promised to call when I could, "I don’t really know what I’m walking into but I’ll try to call when I can." Mrs. Hanson shook her head and said, "It’s all right. Just be there for Nikki, she was such a sweet girl I can’t even imagine what she must be feeling right now." The guys were not as strong as I thought they were. Taylor gave me a big hug and I whispered, "Be safe. I’ll email you when I get home. Please keep positive." I thought I saw a tear in his eye but couldn’t bet on it. Zac had his hands in his pockets with a bored look on his face when I leaned over and gave him a hug. A thought popped into my head as I was hugging him, "Zac, where is my grey sweatshirt?"

"Oh come on, Sam, you can get another one. It’s comfortable." I stuck my tongue out at him and he gave me that Cheshire grin.

Moving on, I got to the door and Isaac picked up the last suitcase, "I can get that. You don’t need to carry my stuff for me." Man, I was going to miss that smile. "Sam, I’ll get it. I’m going with you to the airport anyway." He all but shoved me out the door and down the stairs. I wasn’t about to resist I did quietly enjoy my time with Isaac. Driving to the airport we saw a family of five sitting out on their front steps. I just couldn’t even think of what I was going to face when I got back home. I’d known Nikki for years, what was I going to say? I was there when Vanessa came home from the hospital. Isaac leaned across the seat and grabbed my hand for support. I squeezed his hand while fighting off the inevitable tears forming in my eyes. I sat back and closed my eyes, praying for next week to come soon. I just had to make it through the weekend and then I would be okay.

Standing at the gate, I had my backpack sitting on the floor in front of me with my stuffed bear perched on top. I had turned to look out the huge glass windows and hope that it wasn’t as bad as I knew it was going to be. "Sam, a teddy bear?" Isaac had pulled me out of thoughts once again. I turned my head back to him. "This is a time for teddy bears." I took the bear from Isaac’s hand and held it close to me. Once in a while stuffed animals are the only thing that can get me through a crisis. This was one of those times. I set my chin against Isaac’s chest when he pulled me into a hug. No one questioned his display of affection.  Susan and Louis could only look on sadly. Louis was scanning the crowds walking past us to make sure a "situation" didn’t erupt around us. My flight was called over the intercom and Isaac kissed my forehead to attempt to ease the pain. "I’m sorry I can’t go with you. Please tell Nikki that we are all thinking of her and her family." I nodded an agreement and picked up my bag. Stumbling to hand my boarding pass to the attendant, I dropped my passport. The attendant found this less than amusing and let how a heavy sigh of annoyance. I did something that, looking back, I shouldn’t have done; I told her off. It felt good at the time to get some of my anger out but she could very easily have torn my boarding pass into confetti if she wanted to. She didn’t, her eyes opened wide in surprise and I grabbed the pass and stormed down the makeshift corridor to the plane. The plane ride was tough. Not much to do other than curl up in the seat and let my mind take me away.

~*~*~

I was walking in a daze as I got up to the customs counter. They asked if I had anything to declare and if I had any food or beverages with me. I started to say no but then opened my backpack to show the customs officer the two peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwiches that Mrs. Hanson had packed for me. You’d think I was trying to smuggle a freaking arsenal of artillery into the country. The customs officer was being a jerk too. He made me stand in front of him and eat both of the sandwiches or I wasn’t allowed into the country.

"You’ve got to be kidding me? Can’t I just throw them out? I don’t feel good and if I eat them it will probably make me sick." The stone-faced officer was not going to budge so I looked him straight in the eye, with my teddy bear tucked under my arm, and ate the sandwiches. I promptly got past the office and asked nicely for a trash barrel. I politely leaned forward and threw up the sandwiches. Needless to say, the customs officer was not pleased with me. My parents picke